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Arbust

New Member
I’m an NT married to a high functioning aspie. Sorry to keep saying I ,
so I’ve had 12 surgeries over the last decade including having a spinal cord stimulator implant for nerve damage the causes me excruciating pain.
My spouse doesn’t help me post op and leaves heavy chores up to me. I’m supposed to not lift stuff but he does stuff like leave something over 40 pounds in front of a door. He just doesn’t get it at all.
I have had to call an ambulance because he won’t take me to the doctors etc.
He has everyone thinking he is very helpful and a super nice guy.
If I ask him to do the dishes or cook because I’m in too much pain he pouts like a toddler, wobbly lip and all. He blames all of this on Asperger syndrome. However he is very effective st work and briefs high ranking military officers and is the life of the party at social events he wants to attend. I’m pretty frustrated in all this.
I’m terrified to get divorced because when he hates someone he is terrible. He punishes me with passive aggressive behavior. Is the Asperger’s or just a selfish abuser?
 
I'm going to have to say that he's a selfish abuser, aspie or not.
 
I have Aspergers am ASD1.

My wife prefers to cook and is better at planning meals, but I can heat something up when she isn't up to it.
 
Arbust said:
I’m an NT married to a high functioning aspie. Sorry to keep saying I ,
so I’ve had 12 surgeries over the last decade including having a spinal cord stimulator implant for nerve damage the causes me excruciating pain.
My spouse doesn’t help me post op and leaves heavy chores up to me. I’m supposed to not lift stuff but he does stuff like leave something over 40 pounds in front of a door. He just doesn’t get it at all.
I have had to call an ambulance because he won’t take me to the doctors etc.
He has everyone thinking he is very helpful and a super nice guy.
If I ask him to do the dishes or cook because I’m in too much pain he pouts like a toddler, wobbly lip and all. He blames all of this on Asperger syndrome. However he is very effective st work and briefs high ranking military officers and is the life of the party at social events he wants to attend. I’m pretty frustrated in all this.
I’m terrified to get divorced because when he hates someone he is terrible. He punishes me with passive aggressive behavior. Is the Asperger’s or just a selfish abuser?
Click to expand...

Hi Arbust! Welcome to the forums! Sorry about your situation. :(

I'd go with selfish abuser as well.. I'm AS married to an NT woman for the last ~20 years. I would never treat her like that. I also don't think Asperger's/AS is an excuse for poor behaviour or to treat others poorly in any case.. Yes, it's often a struggle for us to understand others' feelings/needs.. But that's not the same as being completely insensitive, unkind, uncaring..
 
I do the cooking/chores now for my working NT wife (and 4 Chihuahuas). There is no way on earth she would put up with me trying to get out of doing things, nor would I ever want to do that. Life of the party might be an extrovert Aspie, but is uncommon. Sure he is on the spectrum?
 
From your description, they sound abusive, manipulative, and completely lacking in empathy. Whether they're Asperger's/ASD or not, "selfish abuser" seems to be the primary identifier behind this behavior.
 
Tom said:
I do the cooking/chores now for my working NT wife (and 4 Chihuahuas). There is no way on earth she would put up with me trying to get out of doing things, nor would I ever want to do that. Life of the party might be an extrovert Aspie, but is uncommon. Sure he is on the spectrum?
Click to expand...
Yes , I got him to got to get an assessment last year it took 6 hours and cost a lot . It was done by a specialist, who has a PhD.
 
Crossbreed said:
I have Aspergers am ASD1.

My wife prefers to cook and is better at planning meals, but I can heat something up when she isn't up to it.
Click to expand...
Do you expect her to fix a leaking 14 foot high ceiling 3 weeks after surgery and make you diner too?
 
He may be on the spectrum, but, what you're describing I would call an abusive personality.
That is not a part of ASD. It is a personality that could be a co-morbid diagnosis of it's own.
Wonder if that lengthy test included personality disorder tests?
Mine did when I was diagnosed.
 
Hi and welcome. From the extreme examples you are giving, it sounds like you know he's abusive, but are afraid to leave. Do you have children? Do you have family or friends who support you? Careful planning seems needed here.

:helicopter::runner::helicopter::runner::helicopter::runner:
 
Does he hit you? If so it will only get worse. Better to endure a divorce than continuing to take abuse that could end up with you severely hurt or worse.
 
Arbust said:
I’m an NT married to a high functioning aspie. Sorry to keep saying I ,
so I’ve had 12 surgeries over the last decade including having a spinal cord stimulator implant for nerve damage the causes me excruciating pain.
My spouse doesn’t help me post op and leaves heavy chores up to me. I’m supposed to not lift stuff but he does stuff like leave something over 40 pounds in front of a door. He just doesn’t get it at all.
I have had to call an ambulance because he won’t take me to the doctors etc.
He has everyone thinking he is very helpful and a super nice guy.
If I ask him to do the dishes or cook because I’m in too much pain he pouts like a toddler, wobbly lip and all. He blames all of this on Asperger syndrome. However he is very effective st work and briefs high ranking military officers and is the life of the party at social events he wants to attend. I’m pretty frustrated in all this.
I’m terrified to get divorced because when he hates someone he is terrible. He punishes me with passive aggressive behavior. Is the Asperger’s or just a selfish abuser?
Click to expand...

Arbust - I'm NT, too and assure you that the behavior you describe is not typical of people on the spectrum. There is a lot more going on in your relationship than ASD. Please take care of yourself while you figure it out. He is blaming autism for his actions, and you shouldn't let him off the hook by also blaming autism.
 
To be honest I don't think somebody autistic would keep acting like that because of our neurology we just wouldn't have that ability angry yes the deceit no that is a form of mental illness to me
 
SusanLR said:
He may be on the spectrum, but, what you're describing I would call an abusive personality.
That is not a part of ASD. It is a personality that could be a co-morbid diagnosis of it's own.
Wonder if that lengthy test included personality disorder tests?
Mine did when I was diagnosed.
Click to expand...
His assessment shows some Borderline Personality traits. I know he was abused by his mother and has only brought it up in therapy once.
 
Arbust said:
Do you expect her to fix a leaking 14 foot high ceiling 3 weeks after surgery and make you diner too?
Click to expand...

This was kind of a strange question since normal women don't accept that kind of treatment.

Are you aristocratic? Who the hell has 14 foot high ceilings?!
 
AloneNotLonely said:
This was kind of a strange question since normal women don't accept that kind of treatment.

Are you aristocratic? Who the hell has 14 foot high ceilings?!
Click to expand...
have you never lived in a house that has tall ceilings ,my sister lived as a lodger in one room in a Victorian house that was even higher.
 
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