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OK, this is an embarrassing question.

@Bolletje @Aspychata

I have posted it somewhat rude because I see a tendence on @Metalhead to move from "I will do it all" to "I cant do a single thing". From "I am going to save money" to "I have the pulse to buy stuff that I will regret later".

To my limited understanding he needs to build confidence in himself and his skills. The guy has been repeated by his mom and by himself that he cant do a thing for years.

If we were to ask his mom: Would your boy be able to wash the dishes without help? She probably would say no, he is unable.

If we were to ask the drunk and depresed self part of @Metalhead : Would you be able to wash the dishes yourseld without help? That self-saboteur part of him would probably say no, I need to post for help.

It happens I trust him. I do trust he can do it by himself with some practice and efford. I do trust that he can do it and build confidence. He does not need help before trying for a couple of months. He does not need external help.

What he needs its to validate that he is a self sufficient adult who is able to wash his dishes properly without external help. Or at least trying for a couple of months.

Any external help is an indirect way to validate that he cant do stuff by himself, and I dont want to contribute to that. I would like him to know that I do trust him and I think he will be able to properly wash his dishes without any external help. As the adult he is.

I may be wrong, of course, but Im not trying to hurt him. Im trying to help him in my own way.
 
Executive function can shut down in us for other reasons like ptsd, anxiety, depression. Perhaps some may see a outright critique as harsh and unjust when this person on somedays might be struggling. Sometimes l ask questions to help with being avoidant, needing support, being in denial. There is a whole slew of thoughts that bring up issues. This forum member is a valued member such as everyone else who took time to answer this post, let's show him respect.
 
Dog. You need the old school plate cleaner called, a dog. Relentless they are. Your plates and such that once had food on them...spotless. Then you simply soak them in the soapy water a bit, hand wash slightly, towel dry and you can put them away.
 
To remove stubborn stuff I use a sponge covered in plastic mesh. In scrubbing stainless steel, remember that stainless is soft. Always use a stainless steel wool rather than something like Brillo, which scratches the surface.
 
I try to clean as I go. The knives and cutting board are cleaned and drip drying while the food is cooking, etc. Pans that resist quick cleaning get any oil and particles removed and are soaking in hot soapy water with any last-minute items.

I absolutely hate doing the cleaning, and it’s a big reason I don’t like to cook. So I break it up and get it done before a serious mess begins to gather. That, for me, is a second key. Keep the dishes caught up because nothing demolishes executive function like a pile of aged dishes. The pile stares at you as you walk by, daring and demeaning you. Don’t let it get the upper hand. Just say no to a dirty sink.
 
@Bolletje @Aspychata

I have posted it somewhat rude because I see a tendence on @Metalhead to move from "I will do it all" to "I cant do a single thing". From "I am going to save money" to "I have the pulse to buy stuff that I will regret later".

To my limited understanding he needs to build confidence in himself and his skills. The guy has been repeated by his mom and by himself that he cant do a thing for years.

If we were to ask his mom: Would your boy be able to wash the dishes without help? She probably would say no, he is unable.

If we were to ask the drunk and depresed self part of @Metalhead : Would you be able to wash the dishes yourseld without help? That self-saboteur part of him would probably say no, I need to post for help.

It happens I trust him. I do trust he can do it by himself with some practice and efford. I do trust that he can do it and build confidence. He does not need help before trying for a couple of months. He does not need external help.

What he needs its to validate that he is a self sufficient adult who is able to wash his dishes properly without external help. Or at least trying for a couple of months.

Any external help is an indirect way to validate that he cant do stuff by himself, and I dont want to contribute to that. I would like him to know that I do trust him and I think he will be able to properly wash his dishes without any external help. As the adult he is.

I may be wrong, of course, but Im not trying to hurt him. Im trying to help him in my own way.
Frankly, I didn’t take it as rude. It sounded to me like a halftime pep talk from the coach.

Not knowing I’m autistic, I drove myself into the ground trying to keep impossible standards. When I finally broke, I lost almost all executive function and my confidence went with it. By God’s grace I am healing and am independent. In the healing process, I observed and experienced all levels of EF failure and how it can fluctuate.

I understand your post as very affirming, actually. You also see in @Metalhead the swing back and forth between levels. I suspect it’s good for him to be reminded of his own abilities, even when he’s down.
 
Metalhead:

Do you have trouble being in a house with people talking while the tv is running and someone is playing music, even if you’re trying not to listen to any of it? I do. And, crazy as it sounds….. washing dishes is how I handle it.

It puts me in the corner of a room, usually in the corner of the house. All of the noise is coming from one direction. And the sound of running water is soothing. In addition: as a grown man, women absolutely love me. Nobody wants to do the dishes. But when I’m at the party and it’s getting time to go home, there’s never any dishes left to do! I spend maybe 1/2 of my time there scrubbing food off everyone’s plates, clearing the table, and making the kitchen spotless.

It’s a way for me to be there without ‘being’ there. I have something to focus on that takes my attention away from the confusion that doesn’t seem to bother anyone else but me. And every one of my wife’s single girlfriends (some of the married one’s too) are quietly fighting over who gets first crack at me when my wife dies. And they are all telling my wife how lucky she is, while kicking their own husbands under the table. It helps my wife to forget some of my annoying quirks as well.

Just practice at home. All of the advice that’s been given here is great. But give it a shot when you’re alone. Turn on every noise making thing in the house and go wash a few dishes. If it helps you think without hearing some of the noise, then you’ll have fun washing dishes.

When it’s fun, it stops sucking. Then you won’t have to work at it. It will come naturally.

Edit: The older I get, the better this works with the ladies. At 20 years old, women want a guy with muscles and great hair. But at 50, they only care if you have a stable job and know how to fix a car. The dishwashing thing is like being a good mechanic.
 
If you've got a pot with burnt on gunk, fill it halfway with water, and put the pot on the stove to boil. Once it's simmering, turn down the stove, and stir every now and again, like you're loosening the pot liquor. Once all the gunk is off the bottom of the pot, shut off the heat and allow the pot to cool.


Allow all pots and pans to cool on the stove before washing. Do not put any hot pot in the sink. The pot can warp, because you've suddenly took a hot metal object and plunged it in cooler water. Heat softens metal. It can warp even if you put the pot on top of another dish, or any uneven surface, before it has had time to cool.
 
If you've got a pot with burnt on gunk, fill it halfway with water, and put the pot on the stove to boil. Once it's simmering, turn down the stove, and stir every now and again, like you're loosening the pot liquor. Once all the gunk is off the bottom of the pot, shut off the heat and allow the pot to cool.


Allow all pots and pans to cool on the stove before washing. Do not put any hot pot in the sink. The pot can warp, because you've suddenly took a hot metal object and plunged it in cooler water. Heat softens metal. It can warp even if you put the pot on top of another dish, or any uneven surface, before it has had time to cool.
GREAT advice!

Also, use a little screw top from a disposable plastic water bottle as a ‘scraping’ tool. It won’t get all of the thick stuff, but it will get 90% of the thick and dried-on food bits. And it won’t damage metal (don’t use on plastic!)
 
Oops. Disturbing answer?

Paper plates instead, then?
Paper plates are an awesome solution…. until they aren’t. The cheap ones fall apart before dinner even starts, and the good ones usually start a conversation about the environment.

There are situations when paper plates and plastic spoons are the best solution of course. Those days are rare.

I’m not trying to say you’re wrong. Just that it’s not a ‘one size fits all’ solution.
 
Metalhead:

Do you have trouble being in a house with people talking while the tv is running and someone is playing music, even if you’re trying not to listen to any of it? I do. And, crazy as it sounds….. washing dishes is how I handle it.

It puts me in the corner of a room, usually in the corner of the house. All of the noise is coming from one direction. And the sound of running water is soothing. In addition: as a grown man, women absolutely love me. Nobody wants to do the dishes. But when I’m at the party and it’s getting time to go home, there’s never any dishes left to do! I spend maybe 1/2 of my time there scrubbing food off everyone’s plates, clearing the table, and making the kitchen spotless.

It’s a way for me to be there without ‘being’ there. I have something to focus on that takes my attention away from the confusion that doesn’t seem to bother anyone else but me. And every one of my wife’s single girlfriends (some of the married one’s too) are quietly fighting over who gets first crack at me when my wife dies. And they are all telling my wife how lucky she is, while kicking their own husbands under the table. It helps my wife to forget some of my annoying quirks as well.

Just practice at home. All of the advice that’s been given here is great. But give it a shot when you’re alone. Turn on every noise making thing in the house and go wash a few dishes. If it helps you think without hearing some of the noise, then you’ll have fun washing dishes.

When it’s fun, it stops sucking. Then you won’t have to work at it. It will come naturally.

Edit: The older I get, the better this works with the ladies. At 20 years old, women want a guy with muscles and great hair. But at 50, they only care if you have a stable job and know how to fix a car. The dishwashing thing is like being a good mechanic.
 
Always hand wash all dishes. And usually before I actually sit down to eat my meal.

Not big deal given "dinner for one", but there ya have it.

Weirdness courtesy of my OCD. :rolleyes:
 
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