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OK, this is a reason why I should die right here.

Metalhead said:
I return to the office on Monday. I would rather commit harakiri than show my face there again.
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There will probably be a lot of anxiety today (Sunday). It might be helpful to try to go for a walk, see a movie, or hit up a farmer’s market. Lots of water should help, too. Maybe you can plan and prepare a fancy healthy meal. Doing something to engage your mind and move your body could help you feel less anxious and get through the day.
 
I know you are anxious and embarrassed but these feelings will diminish over time if you will just move forwards. We have all made a mistake somewhere on something. It doesn't mean you're stupid much less worthless. It just means you're not 100% perfect and none of us are.
 
Metalhead said:
I return to the office on Monday. I would rather commit harakiri than show my face there again.
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Just keep remembering that you weren't fired on the spot. And of course, don't be late. Go early if need be, especially given that public transportation isn't always reliable.

I recall my first day working in insurance. Uncertain of using public transportation every day for a long distance. Ending up running like OJ Simpson in an airport commercial....from the BART station to the office. Made it in time, but I was a mess.

Had to do that commute for ten years, from Walnut Creek to San Francisco. Not fun. But we had so many people commuting on BART that management knew when the system occasionally failed.
 
I feel like ordering 100 buffalo wings off Uber Eats, and popping in the saddest movies I own.
 
If you need to embrace your feelings then do so, but I would say avoid overindulging in food, as that will make you feel worse/guilty. Engage your brain - not your stomach.

When I feel bad I watch comfort movies - not necessarily sad ones though. My favorite genre is horror. Don't ask me why but horror movies soothe my anxiety.
 
Masked Man said:
If you need to embrace your feelings then do so, but I would say avoid overindulging in food, as that will make you feel worse/guilty. Engage your brain - not your stomach.

When I feel bad I watch comfort movies - not necessarily sad ones though. My favorite genre is horror. Don't ask me why but horror movies soothe my anxiety.
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OK, I will order 20 wings instead of 100. And I will watch Requiem for a Dream.
 
Twenty wings is more acceptable, although still an indulgence. Requiem for a Dream - haven't watched that one in a while, although it's a good onscreen representation of mental illness and drug addiction. Not my favorite Darren Aronofsky film - for a more downbeat Aronofsky film I would personally choose The Wrestler.

Anyway take care of yourself.
 
Masked Man said:
Twenty wings is more acceptable, although still an indulgence. Requiem for a Dream - haven't watched that one in a while, although it's a good onscreen representation of mental illness and drug addiction. Not my favorite Darren Aronofsky film - for a more downbeat Aronofsky film I would personally choose The Wrestler.

Anyway take care of yourself.
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Even with 20 wings, I would get full before I ate them all and have some for later.
 
I never should have been born to begin with. What am I doing here? Still existing?
 
Metalhead said:
I never should have been born to begin with. What am I doing here? Still existing?
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Dude... I mean this nicely, but stop.

If I were to hear someone speaking like this to a friend, I would call out that person and tell them to stop bullying my friend.

You're bullying yourself. So I'm telling you to stop it.

Do whatever you have to do to manage emotions, but stop the negative self-talk. It's wrong when others do it to you, and it's wrong when you do it.
 
Masked Man said:
Dude... I mean this nicely, but stop.

If I were to hear someone speaking like this to a friend, I would call out that person and tell them to stop bullying my friend.

You're bullying yourself. So I'm telling you to stop it.

Do whatever you have to do to manage emotions, but stop the negative self-talk. It's wrong when others do it to you, and it's wrong when you do it.
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My own mother told me I was supposed to be born dead, and she was disappointed that I was born and not accepting my stepfather who looked for reasons to slap me around,
 
Metalhead said:
My own mother told me I was supposed to be born dead, and she was disappointed that I was born and not accepting my stepfather who looked for reasons to slap me around,
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Dude...sorry I'm bowing out. I will not watch you flagellate yourself. Take care of yourself.
 
That was a very cruel thing to say. I'm sorry that was said to you. That doesn't mean it is true though just because someone was cruel and said it.❤️‍🩹
 
I think people are trying to help, but you are also shutting it down by constantly hitting yourself with your words. Like, I get it. You made a mistake, you got yelled at, it's kind of dire atm. You don't know how to get rid of the guilt, so you hurt yourself.

But you're also... hurting yourself. You can be mad at yourself for a mistake like that, but constantly saying that you're going to kill yourself/hurt yourself with food/people hate you despite the opposite on the forum. That's just going to be worse in the long run. I honestly think your manager forgot what happened with your timeslot this weekend and is just sitting around, watching TV. You are putting a lot of thought and pain on yourself when it has long passed.

You're taking it out on yourself because it's what you learned from abusers. I think this is something you should talk to your therapist about - how to give yourself a little grace when you make a mistake, and to safely express that frustration NOT ON YOURSELF.. Days of long belittlement and suicidal ideation, drinking, eating, etc. That's not what you should be doing at all, dude.
 
I was talking with somebody else here through DMs, and one thing occurred to me.

I need to get the bloody hell away from my blood family. Like right now. ASAP.
 
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