Oh, this is brilliant on my mother's part.

[Metalhead]

My mother now claims that every time she ever broke my boundaries in the past and I got upset over that, I was just in a bad place when I got upset at her because clearly she never did anything wrong at any of those times, and since I take antidepressants, she can weaponize that fact against me.

Bloody brilliant move on her part.

She never has to take any personal responsibility.

 

[Alexej]

we rewrite the past to fit what we can live with

 

[elgat0verde]

My family is like that dude

Sorry you have to put up with that... I know it's hard and super crappy

Hope you can get out of that environment soon...

 

[Metalhead]

we rewrite the past to fit what we can live with

My mother accuses me of rewriting the past all the time - she claims I was never being bullied when I was in school, that I was never sexually abused when I was a child, and that my talking about it is me rewriting the past to make it "darker than it actually was".

 

[Alexej]

is that projection on her part?

There is also to be an element of denial here

 

[Metalhead]

is that projection on her part?

There is also to be an element of denial here

That is projection on her part. Yesterday, my mother was telling me how happy I was as a child - I don't remember it being anything like that at all, but I chose not to contradict her to her face since she would just use the fact that I take antidepressants against me and claim that I have cognitive disabilities (even though my doctors recently proved that claim of hers to be very wrong).

 

[tree]

You're still having face to face interaction with her.

 

[Aspychata]

Narcissists never take blame for anything. That's a giant pill to swallow. I am sorry, you will be waiting until the cows to come home, before that happens. You will be dead and buried, and it will never happen. Their whole facade is built on insecurity, they have nothing left for you. My mom is pretty much the same. I can have zero conversations with my mom about anything in the past, anything in the present. It's pretty much in stone. Quit searching for that validation, it's not happening. But starting today, with loving yourself, stepping forward to take care of your emotional wounds that happened, but you have to take responsibility for your lost childhood. You have to grieve and let go. The more you engage her with why? The more you are feeding the toxic emotional vampire, your mom. The more you continue emeshment of abuse by her.

 

[Rodafina]

She continues a pattern of behavior that you have noticed is extremely detrimental to your life right now.

You can change your patterns of interacting with her.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Rewriting the past. My mother did the same thing. Fortunately for me, I had my siblings to back me up. Now that I think about it, it's one of the last times I spoke with my father before he died. Evidently, I was recalling events that never happened (even though us kids discussed this time and time again in the past). He came to her defense, publicly giving me a "good talking to" on Facebook, which I never saw because I wasn't on Facebook, but he loved to air out the family's dirty laundry in a public forum for all the rest of the family to see. It was literally the four of us, sitting in a group in my parent's living room at Christmas (we were all in our 40's and 50's as adults) laughing hysterically at all the "traumatic" events of our childhood.

Keep in mind, it was the group of us, and we were able to laugh because we had discussed it several times before since we were kids (granted, it wasn't funny when it happened). This is how our family coped, with humor. Well mom wasn't happy this time, obviously, upset because "none of this ever happened" and was talking with dad. Dad to the "rescue" and singled me out, never saying a word to my siblings, but thought it was "safe" to vent on Facebook since I no longer had an account, but he was more interested in my reputation destruction in front of the rest of my family who would read it all. Thanks mom and dad. That was the last straw that broke the camel's back.

 

[Aspychata]

Sorry to read this @Neonatal RRT . It's amazing how many here had toxic families.

 

[DaisyRose]

Anyone who weaponizes and pokes fun of someone who takes medication for mental illness is the scum on the bottom of my shoe. Many people cannot function without their medication including me. Medication is the only way I was able to get a job and get out of the house. Medication is the only thing that made me happy and be more productive. I’m so sorry you have to deal with your toxic mom. She is evil and lacks compassion and empathy.

 

[Metalhead]

Anyone who weaponizes and pokes fun of someone who takes medication for mental illness is the scum on the bottom of my shoe. Many people cannot function without their medication including me. Medication is the only way I was able to get a job and get out of the house. Medication is the only thing that made me happy and be more productive. I’m so sorry you have to deal with your toxic mom. She is evil and lacks compassion and empathy.

The thing is, when I was in high school, I was acting out with behaviors I learned from my stepfather, which included yelling out profane words at people over the tiniest of things. My mother decided I needed chemical restraints as a result of that while my stepfather continued his profane tirades against me on a daily basis.

But when I took control of my own mental health care, all of a sudden she started telling me that I relied "too much" on mental health care, simply because I cut her out of my mental health care plan.

 

[DaisyRose]

It’s important for you to do your own mental health care plan because you know what type of help and care you need. You are experiencing mental health troubles, not her. I hate when people claim you need this and that when they have no knowledge of what your feeling and how your feeling. That’s totally manipulation and gaslighting on her part. Don't forget you have people on this forum that care and support you when you need it. We are all together in this.

 

[Metalhead]

Yeah, I know this is exactly what I am going to get from my entire family. I am officially the "lovable retard" in the family tree. Everything I say is wrong according to them. I always "remember things differently than they actually happened" - they will always say that to wash their hands of personal responsibility.

They are losers.

I can choose not to be a loser.

 

[Metalhead]

I need an emotional divorce from all of this. Seriously. I know I will never get anything different from them. I should stop letting it burn me. I should make my spirit bulletproof and move on with my life.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

@Metalhead At least in my situation I was hours away from my family and only saw them occasionally. It was relatively easy to just disconnect from them. Sure, there was a little bit of guilt initially, and then, it all went away once that weight I had been carrying was suddenly lifted off of me.

I'm trying to figure out how I might cope in your situation. My only coping mechanism is shutting off the emotion switch and flip into "logic mode" as a "defense against the dark arts". To be able to quietly, calmly look into my mother's eyes, into her soul, and just not react to her toxicity. Let her poke and poke and poke, and then receive no reaction from me. That might drive her to madness, much to my quiet delight.

Obviously, you're not me, and I'm not you, so you do what you have to do to cope with or avoid this toxicity. I know this is an ongoing thing with her and it probably won't go away unless there is some way you can shut her down emotionally, or you can move away and just stop having contact. I suspect you probably know what you have to do.

 

[Rodafina]

I need an emotional divorce from all of this. Seriously. I know I will never get anything different from them. I should stop letting it burn me. I should make my spirit bulletproof and move on with my life.

I agree with you. Do you have a plan or method to make this happen?

Not ideas. Actions.

 

[Metalhead]

I agree with you. Do you have a plan or method to make this happen?

Not ideas. Actions.

I think I will start by slowly backing away and letting the phone ring when she calls. Keep just enough contact to not have her call the cops on me. And slowly back away until it was like when I was in my early 20s and weeks would go by without any contact with her because I worked and I kept myself very busy most of the time.

 

[Rodafina]

I think I will start by slowly backing away and letting the phone ring when she calls. Keep just enough contact to not have her call the cops on me. And slowly back away until it was like when I was in my early 20s and weeks would go by without any contact with her because I worked and I kept myself very busy most of the time.

You have a plan. That’s good. You don’t have to be chained to this forever.