Odd things we dwell on...

[Chance]

First off I want to say something... I am grateful for a place I can say stuff, and just let stuff out that I cant do out in the real world. Sadly this digital place is more real world than that place out there is... I feel safe here. I am grateful for that.

I'm gonna tell a secret about myself... Don't worry its nothing juicy, its just another one of my ultra weird quirks. I hope I am not the only one with weird glitches like this...

I always have this thing about death and an eternal deafening silence. This may be more on my mind than usual since a close family friend passed away this week, and another person I know who is deeply involved with drugs and drinking.

Its not like I dwell on death constantly, but its always lurking in the background. Its not like its a monster, or a demon - nothing like that. More like a gentle guardian of how I use the time I have been given...

Silence is utter loneliness to me, just like useless noise is utter chaos to me. It has that same deep sick feeling of being unloved at both of its extremes.

I don't need people as much as I need deeply meaningful non-material. Music is quite possibly the best friend I have ever had, and it has helped make some of my friends that I have. It can say stuff that I cant seem to say without making a total mess of the whole thing.

I will set back at times, and just try to burn music deep into me. I will memorize every note, every instrument, every echo, every pause, praying it will be in me when I leave this life.

I do this so much that I can go to this place in my mind and make what I have burned into my head, come back alive when I have no music. I do the same with words of knowledge. Its like nothing is more important than whats deep within me... The other stuff not so much.

Its sort of like this inner treasure chest that has all the great stuff I find in this life... Thats where I put what I find valuable, and I protect it by opening it up and keeping it alive in my memory.

Maybe I fear too much, maybe I think too much, but I simply cant help it... Deep down I fear this nothingness, this blank void... This self explanatory silence that states I was nothing more than a waste of time, in a physical narrative. It sometimes even scares me a little to think I might be worth zero to anything or anyone.

It has nothing to do with being known, being rich, famous, or powerful. It has everything to do with how I use every minute of everyday I get to be here... I just want my reward be that, I get to take what I love most with me, (the stuff I try and burn deep within me) then I will never be truly alone.

Maybe its like I am planting this "memory garden" deep within me to use for some other time and some other place... Maybe I am just some crazy damn fool, but I have never been able to get past it.

I guess only truly lonely people would ever even be able to grasp something so weird. Its just odd that I see so many people who LIFE just works so easy for them. I always wanted that. I tried over and over and over, but it just never seems to work out.

I try to see a world not falling apart all around us... I really do, but I cant seem to find where people even really care anymore. They say they care, and just go back to what they are doing. So, honestly I see humanity just not caring so much about LIFE here, or LIFE after here...
I never want to be one of those people.

I have a guy I know... I am worried deeply about him. He is back to using drugs, drinking, and he's lying and slipping up all over the place... I worry about him, but its not my place to "save" him. He's very intelligent and has abundant ability to be anything he wants... Yet he's on a very dark path going no where fast and I don't know what to do. He doesn't respect himself or anyone else. I don't understand??? Its this stuff that makes me so grateful for who I am, and yet I somehow feel selfish or weird over it.

So maybe I just use my love in the best way I know... Hopefully it make sense to me someday and it will have some use that I can somehow use in this life and past this life.

I want to so bad to help him, maybe as much as I want to help myself... I'm not GOD or a miracle worker so I just sit and think... and try to figure out this thing we call LIFE that has a death sentence.

I want to send this to my friend but I fear it might blow up on me... so I post here to get it off of me a little...

I'm not judging him. I hurt for him, we all have our struggles. I don't understand his, just like he cant understand mine... But it never means I don't care. I do care and thats what hurts.

 

[LucyPurrs]

It's not weird, it's wonderful that you have the ability to lock away inside you all the treasures in life you have discovered.
Maybe send your friend that last loving sentence.

 

[Streetwise]

when you are lonely think about how much your dog wants to be with you think about her staring at you when you are in the car

 

[Chance]

when you are lonely think about how much your dog wants to be with you think about her staring at you when you are in the car

She's asleep right beside me... all at peace and not a problem in the world that I know of...
I would nearly trade places with her.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

There was a charles bukowski poem which I only remembered one line.

'and no-one will know the treasure of my escape'

So i looked it up :

Old man,dead in a room - its called that. And its not exactly where your post comes from but it rhymed in my head. Perhaps a negative yin to your positive yang (have to eat the yang in the mongolian yurt)
So that was enough to post it!

this thing upon me is not death
but it’s as real
and as landlords full of maggots
pound for rent
I eat walnuts in the sheath
of my privacy
and listen for more important
drummers;
it’s as real, it’s as real
as the broken-boned sparrow
cat-mouthed, uttering
more than mere
miserable argument;
between my toes I stare
at clouds, at seas of gaunt
sepulcher. . .
and scratch my back
and form a vowel
as all my lovely women
(wives and lovers)
break like engines
into steam of sorrow
to be blown into eclipse;
bone is bone
but this thing upon me
as I tear the window shades
and walk caged rugs,
this thing upon me
like a flower and a feast,
believe me
is not death and is not
glory
and like Quixote’s windmills
makes a foe
turned by the heavens
against one man;
…this thing upon me,
great god,
this thing upon me
crawling like snake,
terrifying my love of commonness,
some call Art
some call Poetry;
it’s not death
but dying will solve its power
and as my grey hands
drop a last desperate pen
in some cheap room
they will find me there
and never know
my name
my meaning
nor the treasure
of my escape.


I edited the word 'not' to exactly which is what i thought i wrote!

 

[Progster]

Silence is utter loneliness to me, just like useless noise is utter chaos to me.

I have never really experienced true silence. Even when I'm alone and in a very quiet place, I can always hear something. If I can't hear anything from my environment, I can hear my breathing or my heart beating, my blood circulating. Then I become acutely aware of my own mortality, how dependent I am on these biological functions, that they could stop at any time, and what will happen when they do. It's scary, I don't like it.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

First off I want to say something... I am grateful for a place I can say stuff, and just let stuff out that I cant do out in the real world. Sadly this digital place is more real world than that place out there is... I feel safe here. I am grateful for that.

That,in itself, is to be treasured.

I'm gonna tell a secret about myself... Don't worry its nothing juicy

No mongolian yang stories? Disappointing.

Its sort of like this inner treasure chest that has all the great stuff I find in this life... Thats where I put what I find valuable, and I protect it by opening it up and keeping it alive in my memory.

What is in my heart is like the last page of a manuscript on the edge of a fire.
The page is burnt, but you can still see the words written.
You know if you touch the page the wordss and paper will crumble away.

So, the piece of burnt paper is like the treasure in my heart that i know
If i express it in words the treasure will be lost.

So I hope I remember as one day that last piece of manuscript will crumble.

A bit like that.

 

[Streetwise]

She's asleep right beside me... all at peace and not a problem in the world that I know of...
I would nearly trade places with her.

if you think about the way we are dogs are a lot like us ,there are certain things she just doesn't have the ability to tell you ,dogs for instance can have cancer and nobody would know ,I probably don't have to tell you why but I don't want to presume the psychological theory is its weakness and a predator would know that they were weak.
that's why dogs are one of the ultimate pack animals .probably again like us they may not have the capacity to understand how bad it is I'm nearly 48 and have I Learned anything no!
probably going to suffer from refeeding syndrome tomorrow as usual if you want to look it up you can do so but I don't want to make anybody feel nauseous.

 

[Sabrina]

« In a few years we will all have the same ghost consistency of any fiction character » (Hector Abad Faciolince).

I remember that all the time. Actually, fiction characters will even be more alive than us in a 100 years.

Everybody will know in a 100 years who Harry Potter is, as we know who Sherlock Holmes is today, but nobody will know who we were, not even our great -grand-children.

It’s as if we are already dead.

I don’t mean to be a downer, just the opposite. We should take life a little bit more lightly.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

It’s as if we are already dead

I liked your post.

Perhaps a lot of us already live life like we are dead - a lot of the time we are invisible.

But the NTs may say,like some low grade horror film

'They are among us'.

But everytime I lift my hands above my head my pants fall down.

Metaphorically speaking. (And very much a worse thing if you're in england)

Which is more in line with my attitude overall.

 

[wadorama]

seems to me like dark eternity fear is shared by almost everything that is capable of conceiving of it. certainly shared by me. what if every hard-fought lesson or deeply-felt moment amounted to nothing?

also seems like much has been lost over history due to that exact fear. truth is likely that we don't know and never will. agreed that it sure would be a waste though, so maybe that alone makes it unlikely.

 

[Gritches]

Wow, you're really truly concerned about your friend. I wish I could tell you exactly what to do to fix that situation, but it's never quite that simple is it?

What I can offer are some of the things I learned in my younger years:

I met a whole lot of people in my journey through "Never-Never-Land", if you know what I mean, and everyone's circumstances are different but I found one common thread among EVERY SINGLE USER that seemed to be their reason to continue using: they all carried a very deep, dark, wounding pain that tortured their sober minds but went away when they escaped down the rabbit hole.

This is just arm-chair theory, but I highly suspect that's the reason that, sadly, the vast majority of hard drug addicts will remain addicts for life: because that pain rarely gets resolved. I got extremely lucky to have a counselor who was an old master of her craft and invested in me personally. Most people aren't that lucky.

Getting clean is easy: you just don't use your fingers, hands, or arms to ingest drugs. Staying clean is the hard part. Because that pain? It's like a demon screaming in your head and the "mute" button is a few bank notes and the flick of a lighter away. Willpower is only half the equation with staying clean. The other half is actually sorting yourself out, and some people just feel like they're just too broken to do that. And that makes me really sad.

Just be there for your friend. Don't enable him, but don't cut him out either. Just make sure he knows that he's loved.

 

[Mia]

Have helped (interfered) in a few friends lives. Two of whom in their twenties were doing so much in the way of alcohol and drugs that it became obvious that they probably wouldn't survive into their thirties.
One I took into my home, after I found her sleeping in a locker in the laundry room of my building with her puppy. She was doing heroin in my bathroom, and as naive as I am, I never knew until she had moved out and told me.
Got her a job, apartment, into school. For three years, she was ecstatic, happy, then she self-destructed again. Disappeared from my life, and returned once or twice since, a tragic shakespearean ophelia. Little I could do for her, picking her up and beginning again, was my only thought. Then I realized she'd had a lifetime history all along, of doing it over and over. I couldn't help her, until she helped herself and recognized her own birth was not her fault, and the death of her mother as a result. I'm still there for her, and she knows that.
The other friend had family who cared about her, and her sister and I put her in rehab for several years. That turned out well, she came out of rehab and began again. A different life from the one she envisioned, but perhaps the life she needed.

Some people can be helped, others may have to find their own way. Until they stand straight and face down their difficulties, or find peace with them, they keep walking in never ending circles.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Some people can be helped, others may have to find their own way. Until they stand straight and face down their difficulties, or find peace with them, they keep walking in never ending circles.

Its a tough thing admitting you were wrong - especially if youve walked a dark path for some years.
And admitting you were wrong means accepting the pain youve been hiding from and maybe not capable of feeling.
It's almost like you have to walk all the way back to the point where you made the wrong turn, before you can start again.

 

[Chance]

Wow, you're really truly concerned about your friend. I wish I could tell you exactly what to do to fix that situation, but it's never quite that simple is it?

What I can offer are some of the things I learned in my younger years:

I met a whole lot of people in my journey through "Never-Never-Land", if you know what I mean, and everyone's circumstances are different but I found one common thread among EVERY SINGLE USER that seemed to be their reason to continue using: they all carried a very deep, dark, wounding pain that tortured their sober minds but went away when they escaped down the rabbit hole.

This is just arm-chair theory, but I highly suspect that's the reason that, sadly, the vast majority of hard drug addicts will remain addicts for life: because that pain rarely gets resolved. I got extremely lucky to have a counselor who was an old master of her craft and invested in me personally. Most people aren't that lucky.

Getting clean is easy: you just don't use your fingers, hands, or arms to ingest drugs. Staying clean is the hard part. Because that pain? It's like a demon screaming in your head and the "mute" button is a few bank notes and the flick of a lighter away. Willpower is only half the equation with staying clean. The other half is actually sorting yourself out, and some people just feel like they're just too broken to do that. And that makes me really sad.

Just be there for your friend. Don't enable him, but don't cut him out either. Just make sure he knows that he's loved.

I am there for him... I wish I could understand what haunts him. I don't understand that culture, know that culture, or want to be involved in that culture at any level. I don't even take my prescribed meds unless its just really bad.

I have my own battles (which is posted all over the place)... I just want to live a reasonably clean life, and hope there is something out there after this life. I see so many who just don't care... I cant imagine not caring and or destroying the life I was given.

 

[Streetwise]

I am there for him... I wish I could understand what haunts him. I don't understand that culture, know that culture, or want to be involved in that culture at any level. I don't even take my prescribed meds unless its just really bad.

I have my own battles (which is posted all over the place)... I just want to live a reasonably clean life, and hope there is something out there after this life. I see so many who just don't care... I cant imagine not caring and or destroying the life I was given.

you made me laugh when you said "what you said is posted all over the place" it sounded like a have you seen this man poster armed and dangerous.

 

[Chance]

you made me laugh when you said "what you said is posted all over the place" it sounded like a have you seen this man poster armed and dangerous.

I'm about as dangerous as a 20 year old poodle... more goofy than anything else... : )

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

you made me laugh when you said "what you said is posted all over the place" it sounded like a have you seen this man poster armed and dangerous.

There was an old joke about the police looking for a guy 'Bill Posters' will be proesecuted.