Obsessive of others

[rache86]

I just wanted to find out if anyone else experiences obsessive thoughts about other people? I have what I would consider to be an unhealthy obsession with some people in my life who understand and support me with my difficulties. Eg a university tutor and counsellor. I feel like I want their validation and opinion on everything, and that really I just want them to put their arms round me, to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. It's not a sexual thing, more like maternal?

I'd also appreciate knowing if people don't experience this either as it will help me get a better understanding of my difficulties.

Thanks all.


Aspergers Syndrome: Teacher. UK

 

[Sander]

As for me, I am not obsessed with other people, I can be more comfortable with some than others.
What would be more or less an obsession for me is why people make certain choices the way they do.

 

[Judge]

For me it's not what I'd necessarily call "obsessive" thoughts of others.

However what can be problematic is that my social orbit consists of very few other people. So I'm apt to focus on those people somewhat more intensely at times. Which can sometimes cause problems short of remaining cognizant of my situation.

 

[Kuribo]

I have this problem too. It's less of an issue now than it used to be, but I tend to obsess about people's opinions of me.

 

[Judge]

I have this problem too. It's less of an issue now than it used to be, but I tend to obsess about people's opinions of me.

I'm constantly worried about every interaction/communication I have with much of anyone. Did I properly communicate what I meant to tell them? Did they take it the wrong way? Did I take it the wrong way? Yeah....me too.

 

[LittleFiddle05]

I literally came onto AC today wanting to post something like this, I'm glad I scrolled through the forums first.

Yes yes yes. I think I have more of a special person than I have special interests (at least recently). When I was younger I was generally detached from friends; I had some friendships, but was generally more interested in reading than in playing (I remember when cousins would play "teenagers," I would pretend I was 18 and shopping for college book - translation, I would sit in front of the bookshelf and read while they pretended to drive and party and whatever else college students might do). In 7th grade I had a friend, who was my friend only because we'd met in kindergarden, and if I spoke to her I whispered; otherwise, I avoided speaking to peers whenever possible, always keeping knitting or a book on hand so I could be staring down at something, avoiding starting conversations.

Then January of 7th grade, a new kid made a project of getting me out of my shell. Before long we were talking between every class, getting up an extra hour early before school to instant message or even video chat, and talking on the phone for hours and hours every single day. We didn't say goodbye except to sleep; otherwise, conversation might die down a bit as we did homework or whatever else, but the computer was always open with AIM on and some level of conversation going. I became a totally different person; I laughed and talked with friends (much too loudly, until my mom pointed it out and made me consciously lower my volume), became very outspoken and learned to tease (generally really toeing the line between funny and cruel - I likely crossed the line often without realizing it, but Doug and Sophia - my two friends - learned it was never personal).

Ever since then, I've almost always had one friend about whom I was obsessive, always male, only ever one at a time but generally not romantic. I'm never the one to end the friendship, and honestly losing a friendship with a special interest person seems to be considerably harder than enduring a romantic breakup. For me it's not really a mentor relationship like what you seem to be describing, though; it's always someone I feel I can help (that gives me structure to be able to find the courage to talk with them), and someone who will allow me to be a little dramatic (as awful as that makes me sound). I like to be able to talk about mental health problems openly, but I also like them to do the same. It's difficult to identify what the similarity is beyond that, though; it's like, with most people, no matter how much we talk or how open the conversation becomes, I still feel like it's small talk... but then with the handful of people that I've been obsessive about, there's easy connection right away, no walls and no reservations, just full mutual understanding.

Sorry, that's really long, but yes I definitely can relate.

 

[Ereth]

I can't say I've been obsessed with anyone, though it's entirely possible that I am not the best judge of my own history.

 

[rache86]

Thanks everyone, some really interesting stuff. Little Fiddle, I get what you mean entirely, and yes I think you're right, mine are more mentors than anyone else. I actually found an interesting chapter in a book I'm reading at the moment called 'Aspergers and Anxiety' by Nick Dubin, if you're interested I'd really recommend it. There's a chapter on mindfulness which explains something called Early Maladaptive Schemas (EMS), which is an interesting way of explaining why people have reactions and relationships that they do, mostly through fear or anxiety of certain situations etc. I think the most prevalent ones for me were ones about dependency, abandonment and undeveloped sense of self. It's very interesting!

 

[LikeMars]

You have no idea how happy i am to see this thread. This is actually one of the main forms my obsessiveness takes, and i spent hours yesterday trying (and failing) to write a reply about it for another thread. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has experienced this, though mine is a bit different in that...
1-it happens with people i haven't met (celebrities, etc), as well as people i have, and
2-it is definitely romantic.

It also occurs exclusively towards guys, even though i'm bisexual. The fact I'm male myself might have something to do with that.

Basically i come across a guy I'm attracted to or who's nice to me, and i develop something half way between a crush and idolization for him.
I start to think about him everyday, to talk about him all the time, to long for his approval and fear his disapproval. If it's a celebrity, I'll also collect pictures/DVD's etc, quote lines from his movies randomly, and so on.

I've always been embarrassed about it because i thought i should've outgrown this kind of behaviour by now. In what was a personal low point in my life, last year someone called me 'too intense' and even 'predatory' because of it. It bothered me for weeks that people thought of me that way, and I felt like a silly, immature creep. I'd never hurt anyone, i just tend to either bottle my feelings up or express them without any kind of awareness. I also guess I want affection and reassurance from the people i'm fixating on.

In my last job there was a guy i felt this way about. The minute i saw him i could tell he was going to be trouble We talked a little, and he seemed nice, and made me laugh. We only worked like 3 shifts together, but it drove my stress levels up so high that when i left, while i was sad i wasn't going to see him again, i felt a strange sense of relief. I'd no longer have to feel insanely anxious or self conscious around him, or handle the competing feelings i had, both craving for his attention and being terrified that he'd reject me.
Most people would've just asked him out, but I couldn't do that. When someone told me i should 'just ask him out, you never know', i felt like they were telling me i should "just" wrestle a tiger because, hey, I might win. 6 months later, i now find myself wishing i had, but knowing if i could, the only anxiety would come back.

As you can imagine, it makes both friendships and romantic relationships difficult, since i either struggle to approach someone i want to date, or wind up developing crushes on people who are nice to me, making the friendship awkward until they push me away.

 

[rache86]

Hi LikeMars!

Thanks for your reply, I'm glad this thread has been of some help, I've found it very helpful myself knowing I'm not alone in this. I can entirely relate to what you are saying, I'm gay myself too and the people I obsess over are always women... although I wouldn't say I am particularly attracted to them in a sexual way, I'm in a relationship, very happy and very loved, and extremely well looked after, but it doesn't stop me from obsessive thoughts about these other people.

What you say about 'affection and reassurance' is spot on for me too, I just want them to hold me, tell me everything will be ok, and take all the confusion and pain away. It does seem ridiculous when you think about it rationally, but obviously when you're in 'that frame of mind', it doesn't seem it.

Do you see anyone professionally about your AS? Has anyone suggested anything to you about it?

 

[LikeMars]

I'm gay myself too and the people I obsess over are always women... although I wouldn't say I am particularly attracted to them in a sexual way

I know that, with me at least, it ties in with my insecurity generally. It's hard when you're insecure, and even harder when the people you're attracted to are the same gender as you. The more attractive you think they are, the worse you look by comparison, particularly when you don't fit your own 'type'.

What you say about 'affection and reassurance' is spot on for me too, I just want them to hold me, tell me everything will be ok, and take all the confusion and pain away.

God, yes. While my biggest desires are to have their approval and affection and intimacy, I do find myself, every now and then, craving that level of 'guidance', to be held and taken care of. It's still a craving for emotional security, just a bit more specific since it's tied in with romantic needs as well.

Do you see anyone professionally about your AS? Has anyone suggested anything to you about it?

I don't see anyone professionally. I've never really considered it. For a long time i did nothing because i thought of myself as 'having Aspergers' rather than 'being someone with aspergers', if that makes sense. So i kind of ignored it. "oh i have aspergers, but it's no big deal, i can still fit in, get by, no need to tell people". Right now i'm trying to interact with people who are on the spectrum so i can get advice and perspective and support, and hopefully, one day, make friends, especially friends i can feel completely relaxed around.

Is it something i should consider doing?

 

[rache86]

Well essentially it's your own decision and your own path you need to take. For me, I am going to see if I can get some kind of support. Particularly as I have only been diagnosed recently at the age of 27, I feel I need to address a lot of problems I have had previously. In order to understand myself better I am of the opinion that I need to revisit myself in the past first.

Everyone is different though, it is my understanding that some people just don't want or need the support, I'm sure you could find someone on here that would say they wouldn't ever consider it. Just for me, where I am right now, I need to understand myself better to understand my difficulties.


Aspergers Syndrome: Teacher. UK

 

[gouldgrl]

I just wanted to find out if anyone else experiences obsessive thoughts about other people? I have what I would consider to be an unhealthy obsession with some people in my life who understand and support me with my difficulties. Eg a university tutor and counsellor. I feel like I want their validation and opinion on everything, and that really I just want them to put their arms round me, to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. It's not a sexual thing, more like maternal?

I'd also appreciate knowing if people don't experience this either as it will help me get a better understanding of my difficulties.

Thanks all.


Aspergers Syndrome: Teacher. UK

I have had very intense, focused interests on certain men at various times in my life (I am a woman). Not surprisingly, it usually occurs in the context of a romantic relationship. My current focus, however, has not developed into a romantic relationship, although I wish it would. "He's just not that into me!"

 

[pauie]

I'm constantly worried about every interaction/communication I have with much of anyone. Did I properly communicate what I meant to tell them? Did they take it the wrong way? Did I take it the wrong way? Yeah....me too.

Same here! I always overthink and overanalyse things. I also feel the need to get confirmation. I need to know that what I do, what I say, how I look etc. is good enough for others. Without confirmation I feel so utterly ******.

 

[pauie]

I'm also way too "interested" in my boyfriend's friends, ex, relatives etc. I used to be extremely jealous, but it's not really jealousy anymore, it's just .. curiosity? I don't know. I feel the need to know about everything and everyone. I want to know how his friends, relatives and similar are, what they did (if they hung out or something), what they said. And about his ex, I want to know everything. I want to know what they did, what his best/worst memories of her/them are, what she was like, what he liked/disliked about her, if I'm similiar to her, who he prefers, what he thought of her; romantically, sexually, personality-wise etc. I guess it's jealous-like, but it's not like I think they will get back together, or that he prefers her over me, no, it's more like .. confirmation that I'm good enough for him. I want to know what she was like, so that I know what I'm like. If that makes sense? I don't know.. Can anyone relate, or am I just strange? I feel strange. And annoying. Horribly annoying (as I ask things all the time). Sigh..

 

[Indy]

Hiya,

I am also very interested to see this post. I have recently been diagnosed as AS at 20yrs. My fixations are always with females, usually a figure of authority e.g teacher, lecturer, nurses when inpatient. I might be gay, I might not, haven't got far as figuring anything out yet which can sometimes add to the confusion.

I would love someone to do a study into the obsessions ASD people have with others, it does seem to be about emotional insecurity but I have struggled to find anything particularly useful in books and such. I get so worried that I have done or said something wrong regarding these people, and I've recently had the added fun of becoming rather obsessed with a friend my own age which brings its own issues.

If anyone has any hints or tips on how to handle these strong emotions I would be very happy to hear them.

MSK xx

 

[islandria]

I would say my relationship with my close friend is an obsession on my part.

But he doesn't seem to mind and still calls me friend. (We've been friends for 8 years). We're both married and happy in our marriages.

I would say that if you have this type of a relationship with anyone consider it a blessing. He is definitely not obssesive about me.

All my life I've had one special friend like this. This is my 3rd one. I learn so much from him. I don't know what he gets from me.

 

[Berianireth]

I'm often very sensitive about what other people say to me because I'm not sure how to interpret things. I can obsess over behaviors that seem ambiguous too only to be reprimanded by someone that insists it is not meaningful. I don't actually try to "get into the person" and figure out what their habits, likes, dislikes, etc are. That is something I did occasionally when I was a young teen though, and thankfully I've been slapped on the wrist enough times now not to wallow in my confusion and terror like used to.
I have had encounters with other potentially ASD people that have given me the other person's perspective. I was struggling with how to distance myself from someone this year without sending them for an emotional nosedive. I'm not absolutely sure that the person has an ASD and isn't just being malicious because he can tell that I one. Long story, but I really do not appreciate being told that I'm someone's obsessive interest only to find that they are not kidding and completely unable to stop following me to and from all of the places I frequent. >.> I think that people with ASDs commonly have this issue when they aren't feeling good about themselves. I don't think there are many therapists that know how to address it either, sadly.

 

[LunaViolet]

I experienced this too, with my friend. She realised it before I did. The way I got over it was by spending as much time as possible with other people. It took really long and was really hard but I believe that worked for me.