NT partner looking for help.

[upwardrain210]

My aspie boyfriend does not help out regularly with household chores. I don't know how to get him move involved and it is going to ruin our relationship. I work more than him and have a longer commute. I don't know if this is part of the aspergers or just part of him. I try to be understanding of the differences with an Nt/Aspie relationship.

 

[midlife aspie]

Write a 'honey do list'. Word it in such a way that it presents as a routine. For example: Monday- vacuum/sweep floors, Tuesday- laundry, Wednesday- trash take-out, Thursday- dusting, Friday- window cleaning, Everyday- meal preparation (if possible) Saturday- girlfriend shows appreciation for jobs well done . The better he does, the better his Saturdays might be. Let the Man-Olympics begin......

 

[Judge]

I don't know if this is part of the aspergers or just part of him.

Sounds like a trait relative only to him- not one necessarily on the spectrum of autism. In my own case, keeping things extremely neat and orderly is something distinctly relative to my OCD. Not my ASD.

 

[CarefullyChaotic]

I think it is part of being an aspie. But definitely not a part of every aspie. I agree with the honey do list, it helps for things to be in order. But a reward is also a must. I am a female aspie, and I have a very hard time doing anything that doesn't have some kind of reason or pattern attached to it. It doesn't have to be physical favors either, the reward could be verbal, telling him you are appreciative of his help, make him feel needed and like his chores are helping you in a big way.

 

[Tom]

It's sometimes hard to separate what is Aspie and what is just plain personality (that all have). In some cases I think you really can't. The Aspie nature is going to be a factor in some way. But it can be positive, neutral or negative. In some cases what I find is that the basic personality makes the choice, and then the Aspie nature drives it hard in the chosen direction. With cleaning I have noted many Aspies are either clean freaks or totally helpless amid the clutter.

What was said above about creating a schedule strikes a cord with me. Predictability helps. I don't agree with a defined reward in this case. You don't reward someone for fulfilling basic responsibilities. Positive verbal reinforcement, encouragement is a good idea though.

I am a clean freak, but have had to adjust to living with clutter queens. Experience has shown me taking a hard line with females worketh not. But logical and good natured discussion can and should have some effect. With a male I would be less gentle, but thats just my military backround coming out. "Why you disgusting little pig! Shall I call your Mommy to come over and clean up babies mess?"

 

[garnetflower13]

My husband is comfortable amidst clutter and it drives me crazy! But he is good about household chores, and I rarely have to ask him to do anything twice. I think that he is relieved that someone knows how to keep things in order, since he was struggling with that when I met him. Now if I could just get him to stop being a pack rat...

 

[midlife aspie]

My wife constantly complains about clutter, but the irony is that most of the 'stuff' is hers!

 

[Lillian2]

My aspie boyfriend does not help out regularly with household chores. I don't know how to get him move involved and it is going to ruin our relationship. I work more than him and have a longer commute. I don't know if this is part of the aspergers or just part of him. I try to be understanding of the differences with an Nt/Aspie relationship.

This is exactly what I was going through with my partner when we first moved in together. It just never occurred to him to do things, and he always remembered too late ie. after someone else had done it (he lived in a share house before we moved in together and this was a problem for him - and his housemates who did not know that he was AS). What made things worse were that if I told him that I was tired of doing everything (I also worked more than him at the time) he would get frustrated and offended that I was criticising him. I did not feel comfortable at the time just asking him to do specific things, but that was exactly what he wanted! I started just saying 'Today I'm going to do the washing, do you mind mowing the lawn?' or 'At some point in the next week do you mind vacuuming?' One of the solutions I came to was distributing tasks, and another one was doing things together - at night we do the dishes together and if we are both home at dinner time we will cook together. He is much more receptive nowadays to me saying that I am doing too much domestically, however (which doesn't happen, but a couple of times it did) - and now he will do things like - last night he said 'Go and relax, I'm going to do the dishes, give the dogs their medicine and take the dogs outside'. I think he has now put housework in his routine, and things are so much better and fairer.

 

[Judge]

Moving in together. Yes, for an Aspie there can potentially be one fundamental drawback. The lack and loss of a prior routine pertinent to household maintenance. Where we simply don't automatically adapt to a new physical- and perhaps even more bewildering social environment in coexisting with another at very close range.

Where both people must work on building a new routine to effectively fill that void.

For myself it was never much of an issue as I'll more likely to initiate cleaning duties on my own if it's an environment I'm actually living in. But in my own case it's a compulsion far more than any perceived social obligation.

 

[ovpt]

2 options

1) if it is an aspie trait for him, let him know in a logical way and be clear.
2) its just the way he is

if its option 1, he will respond positively and start taking care of more of the household duties. if not then your out of luck. of course there is great variable so dont take my advise as 100%