NT needs advice RE: AS ex boyfriend

[adamindeltona]

But how can he make a (good) choice if he doesn't really understand the potential situation?

That's why being good friends first is so important. It gives you time to know him and slowly introduce him to your world, and it gives him time to know you and to decide if he can be part of that world.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

But how can he make a (good) choice if he doesn't really understand the potential situation?

Like Judge said, get to be friends first. And be you - don't put on your NT outfit. Do that from the beginning and if he can't handle it then there's your answer. At some point, I would tell him you're Aspie, but not at first because he may think it's something bad if he doesn't know about Asperger's.

 

[Plumeria]

Since we are on the topic of "happy" … Happy Birthday Adam!

Wow, you mentioned a few things that reminded me of my ex…

If "I" was to say something like that it would translate:

"I am unhappy (because you are not happy) and I think we should see other people (because someone else will make you happier). You're great (but I'm no good for you) and I think you will make someone else happy (because you deserve to be happy, even without me).

Now I can't speak for every aspie, but the ones I've met and myself included are not usually "happy" people, I'm not saying the we are unhappy or miserable, just not happy, we are very "neutral" most days. Day to day interactions and the constant struggle to re-translate every word and emotion being spoken to us is draining. Plus we don't "express" emotion like others.

I've never heard one of the aspies I've met say something like I'm not happy, I deserve better... It is usually a remark like I'm not happy, she deserves better. In our own selfish way, even when we are focused inward at ourselves, there is a component always reminding us that we are not good for the people around us, and along with needing some alone time to re-center, it's easier and less stressful for us to justify being alone, rather than dive into the real issues.

He shared a condo with some roommates, and always had their best interest in mind before his own. He would always say, "I know that they would not be happy if …. ", or "My mom would be upset if …" I always wondered why he didn't think about himself and what HE wanted (something I admired about him). Remember, I didn't suspect he was Aspie until AFTER we broke up so I thought he was not happy with me. I didn't realize he may have been thinking of my best interest.

You're right, I knew early on that he wasn't a "happy person". One time, he mentioned to me that he thought he was depressed. I asked him why he felt that way and he replied "just having to do every day things, having to just get up and do what I have to do everyday." I thought that was odd because first of all, up to that point, it didnt seem like he was depressed, and don't we all have to just get up and do that everyday? I few days later, I asked him if he was still depressed, his reply, No!

And I understand about being worried based on the past. We are all constantly reminded that the past might visit us again. But you have to throw that bad thinking out and move on with being hopeful and positive about the future.

"To hell with the past, I'm going to make my future better!" You should scream that in your mirror every morning trust me it helps

Your future is yours to do with as you please, it doesn't belong to the bad things that have happened. I'm not saying to forget the past, it might have hurt like hell when it happened, but it also made you stronger. So use the strength to better your life and tell pain to go "F" off ;-)

Well, it's how I do it anyway

- Adam

Thank you so much your kind words and encouragement, you are right, I do have to get rid of my negative thinking. It is a process that I have been working on for a few years. I'm not sure if it's obvious but I am still trying to convince myself that my ex is, in fact, Aspie. The more I read and the answers and support from everyone here is helping me to accept that conclusion.

 

[Judge]

You're right, I knew early on that he wasn't a "happy person". One time, he mentioned to me that he thought he was depressed. I asked him why he felt that way and he replied "just having to do every day things, having to just get up and do what I have to do everyday." I thought that was odd because first of all, up to that point, it didnt seem like he was depressed, and don't we all have to just get up and do that everyday? I few days later, I asked him if he was still depressed, his reply, No!

1. When someone is truly depressed, even the most mundane things can be an absolute struggle.

2. In a society where mental health is so stigmatized, don't expect people to be consistently open about whatever depression they're experiencing. Even if you think you know them intimately.

 

[Plumeria]

1. When someone is truly depressed, even the most mundane things can be an absolute struggle.

2. In a society where mental health is so stigmatized, don't expect people to be consistently open about whatever depression they're experiencing. Even if you think you know them intimately.

Thanks Judge,

1. It didnt seem he struggled with anything! He just did everything like a robot and did it with perfection. His words and his actions did not match… but now I understand why.

2. I understand, and yes, I could tell he did not want to talk about it so I didn't push him.

 

[adamindeltona]

Since we are on the topic of "happy" … Happy Birthday Adam!

Wow, you mentioned a few things that reminded me of my ex…



He shared a condo with some roommates, and always had their best interest in mind before his own. He would always say, "I know that they would not be happy if …. ", or "My mom would be upset if …" I always wondered why he didn't think about himself and what HE wanted (something I admired about him). Remember, I didn't suspect he was Aspie until AFTER we broke up so I thought he was not happy with me. I didn't realize he may have been thinking of my best interest.

You're right, I knew early on that he wasn't a "happy person". One time, he mentioned to me that he thought he was depressed. I asked him why he felt that way and he replied "just having to do every day things, having to just get up and do what I have to do everyday." I thought that was odd because first of all, up to that point, it didnt seem like he was depressed, and don't we all have to just get up and do that everyday? I few days later, I asked him if he was still depressed, his reply, No!



Thank you so much your kind words and encouragement, you are right, I do have to get rid of my negative thinking. It is a process that I have been working on for a few years. I'm not sure if it's obvious but I am still trying to convince myself that my ex is, in fact, Aspie. The more I read and the answers and support from everyone here is helping me to accept that conclusion.

Thanks for the birthday wishes

He probably is an aspie, or somewhere on the spectrum, but in reality it doesn't really matter. Labels don't matter, only the "subject" we are studying. We are trying to learn about this person and why he did the things he did. I understand it helps you to understand him since there is a label you can attach to him, but the problems with labels is there is usually assumptions that go along with a label, if enough people assume something, then it becomes a commonly accepted "truth". even when it's not too true at all, (people with aspergers have no emotions)

What we know is He does tend to have behavior that is similar to someone on the autism spectrum. We know how some of these people process information, how they view truths, and how they express their emotions. We can use this information to attempt to understand the hows and whys.

But if we really want or need to understand the why, then only he can tell you that.

Sorry, the the logical approach & process side of me is coming out

- Adam

 

[Judge]

Thanks Judge,

1. It didnt seem he struggled with anything! He just did everything like a robot and did it with perfection. His words and his actions did not match… but now I understand why.

2. I understand, and yes, I could tell he did not want to talk about it so I didn't push him.

Depression isn't something I share with others other than inside this forum. Much like being around Neurotypicals socially, I'm very good at masking it when I have to. But both take their toll on me in doing as such.

Being an Aspie makes me neurologically different- not neurologically deficient. But having chronic clinical depression....I cannot make the same claim. So I'm reticent to discuss it, let alone admit it.

And then there's my OCD...but that's another story...not so pressing. I know...what a catch I'd make! Not...

 

[Plumeria]

Thanks for the birthday wishes

He probably is an aspie, or somewhere on the spectrum, but in reality it doesn't really matter. Labels don't matter, only the "subject" we are studying. We are trying to learn about this person and why he did the things he did. I understand it helps you to understand him since there is a label you can attach to him, but the problems with labels is there is usually assumptions that go along with a label, if enough people assume something, then it becomes a commonly accepted "truth". even when it's not too true at all, (people with aspergers have no emotions)

What we know is He does tend to have behavior that is similar to someone on the autism spectrum. We know how some of these people process information, how they view truths, and how they express their emotions. We can use this information to attempt to understand the hows and whys.

But if we really want or need to understand the why, then only he can tell you that.

Sorry, the the logical approach & process side of me is coming out

- Adam

Very welcome Again, you are correct Adam! For a year while we were together I was perplexed as to why my ex acted the way he did… and yes, the "label" made it easier to understand and accept… but you are right, focusing on his behavior and the reasons for it are the question… and you all have really helped with that, this site has been so helpful!

I am working through it all, I am positive I will reach out… I just don't know when.

 

[adamindeltona]

I'm not sure if it's obvious but I am still trying to convince myself that my ex is, in fact, Aspie. The more I read and the answers and support from everyone here is helping me to accept that conclusion.

It is obvious that you are trying very hard to understand the way he is, and what he needs in his life.

I was re-reading your posts to understand that a little bit better and I wanted to say I think you are a very interesting and special person. I have never met anybody not on the spectrum that cares about the hows and whys like you, and that is a rare thing.

I have a two close friends who know I'm an aspie, and they accept me and understand I'm odd, that "Adam is the way he is"

And even my ex cared about me and she tried to understand what it's like in my head, but she could never fully comprehend it. My mom is another who more recently has come to accept my diagnosis, and is trying to "get it"

But nobody I've met cares so much about understanding this way of thinking and then say "If emotions are too overwhelming, then can't we put them aside and think of logical solutions to the problems?"

That is very impressive to me as I wasn't sure that NT's can or were willing to try to look at things so logically.

 

[Plumeria]

It is obvious that you are trying very hard to understand the way he is, and what he needs in his life.

I was re-reading your posts to understand that a little bit better and I wanted to say I think you are a very interesting and special person. I have never met anybody not on the spectrum that cares about the hows and whys like you, and that is a rare thing.

I have a two close friends who know I'm an aspie, and they accept me and understand I'm odd, that "Adam is the way he is"

And even my ex cared about me and she tried to understand what it's like in my head, but she could never fully comprehend it. My mom is another who more recently has come to accept my diagnosis, and is trying to "get it"

But nobody I've met cares so much about understanding this way of thinking and then say "If emotions are too overwhelming, then can't we put them aside and think of logical solutions to the problems?"

That is very impressive to me as I wasn't sure that NT's can or were willing to try to look at things so logically.

Adam, you are very kind, your reply again meant a lot to me, thank you for noticing. Its funny because my friends don't understand why I am not angry that "he did this to me." I know they are just protective because of what happened to me last time but unlike my last ex who was very selfish, this one is not at all. I KNEW he was not trying to intentionally hurt me and I wanted to understand his point of view so I didn't take it personally.

I mentioned that I have been working on my negative thinking for awhile, a few books have helped me with this venture, especially Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth. That book changed my life and way of thinking! I am still trying to put it into practice since knowledge and application are not the same thing, (as I'm sure you know). And NTs are VERY emotional! I use to be emotional too, sometimes I still am (its hard to just switch them off) and my thoughts led me down the path of depression a couple times in my life so I understand what that feels like and I try to avoid that road. Seeing things from another point of view helps. I live by that quote, "Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habit. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." - Lao Tzu


Its hard as an NT too with NT girlfriends who want to be all up in my business and tell me what I should and shouldn't do. Then the judging, wow… they think they should have a say about how you should react to what he does or what you should say in response. I finally learned not to listen to them, I do what I want to do, not because someone influenced me into it because I always regretted it later. My closest friends, however, think I am the perfect person for him and that he will never find anyone that will treat and understand him the way I did… I wish he thought the same. When I met my ex, one of the first things he told me was, "women are crazy!" I told him that I wasn't crazy and that I was actually very patient and understanding. He said he'd have to see it for himself and thought I would be at least a little crazy. (Maybe he thought my crazy came out when I cried? Haha, joke). Sometimes I wonder if that's the reason why I've been hurt so many times in the past, I'm too understanding, but you know what? I like who I am, I'm not going to change that part of me.

 

[May Black]

Sounds nice. Sounds self sacrificing, etc, etc. But that doesn't mean it's actually the best thing to do, or even a good thing to do.

I'm not commenting on anyone's specific situation here, just on the general idea.

I don't read it as self sacrificing at all actually. To me it's more about overcoming my own fear and selfishness. Sometimes people stay because they don't realize they're free to leave.

Of course it depends on the situation, I thought the sentence that followed would put it in context.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I don't read it as self sacrificing at all actually. To me it's more about overcoming my own fear and selfishness. Sometimes people stay because they don't realize they're free to leave.

Of course it depends on the situation, I thought the sentence that followed would put it in context.

You're correct, it does depend on the situation.

 

[Plumeria]

If you love somebody, set them free.

Isn't there a second part to that saying? If you love someone, set them free... if they come back to you then they are truly yours, if they do not come back, it was never meant to be.

So am I suppose to be the one to come back to him? I didn't want to be set free in the first place! Just saying… I don't really expect anyone to know the answer…

 

[Cali Cat]

Plumeria, from your description, your ex sounds a lot like me. Based on that, I can only tell you that I would have probably broken up with a lover under circumstances similar to his. I think you are quite correct in assuming the change to working full time was very stressful for him. It takes a long time to adjust to a new routine. Things were probably overwhelming him. When you cried to him about feeling neglected, that may have been the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back.

I agree with the other responder who indicated you may have been too understanding over the course of your relationship. When you finally asked for something from him that he didn't feel in a position to give, it probably dismayed him. My own reaction in a situation like that is to throw the bath water, the baby and everything out the window as fast as possible. Not because I don't care, but because it's all just too much "input." I can't process everything all at once like that. He wouldn't ask for time to work things out because that would leave the situation hanging in limbo. He may have felt he needed to forego the relationship so he could concentrate on adapting to his new job without feeling the responsibility to make you happy as well.

If you are still interested in this man, and it sounds like he does have some good qualities there, don't expect him to miss you and reach out to you. He won't do it no matter how he might miss you. He may fear he can't make you happy, and that makes him unhappy. Chances are, he's had an idea all along that he wasn't giving you everything you need, and he may be feeling a certain amount of relief from guilt. I can't say your ex will be receptive to any attempts at reconciliation you might make. You might give him some time to adjust to his new position, maybe another month. Then, just start by texting him to ask how the job is going and whether he's settling in to it well. Don't expect much right away. Try to take it slowly. Good luck.

 

[Plumeria]

don't expect him to miss you and reach out to you. He won't do it no matter how he might miss you. He may fear he can't make you happy, and that makes him unhappy. Chances are, he's had an idea all along that he wasn't giving you everything you need, and he may be feeling a certain amount of relief from guilt. I can't say your ex will be receptive to any attempts at reconciliation you might make. You might give him some time to adjust to his new position, maybe another month.

Thanks for sharing Cali Cat. This was one of the things I thought about, he may think that he cannot make me happy. But it is not his job to "make" me happy, it's not my boyfriend's job (NT or AS)… The only person who is in charge of my happiness is me. Yes, there will be times that I will be unhappy with him but that doesn't mean I don't want to be with him or don't love him anymore. I fear that he has made this decision and will stick to it (another reason that keeps me from reaching out). I also agree that one month may not be enough time for him to "settle" into his new routine or enough time for him to think about the benefits of having a relationship with me. I still don't understand why most Aspies would not reach out when they may deep down still want to be with the person? Life would be easier if he reached out to me, even if I had to wait a few more months… it would mean so much more because I'll know that HE wants to communicate with me just as much as I do.

 

[Cali Cat]

I fear that he has made this decision and will stick to it (another reason that keeps me from reaching out) ... I still don't understand why most Aspies would not reach out when they may deep down still want to be with the person? Life would be easier if he reached out to me, even if I had to wait a few more months… it would mean so much more because I'll know that HE wants to communicate with me just as much as I do.

Sadly, this is how we ruin good things for ourselves. Aspies can be stubborn, but it's stubbornness borne of fear. There's a strong self-preservation instinct at work. Also, some selfishness as far as we don't like feeling uncomfortable, so we avoid it at all costs. Sometimes it costs a lot. If you feel that you need him to come to you in order to prove he is equally interested in the relationship, you may have to wait a while. However, if you need that reassurance, you may always have your doubts if you reach out to him first.

 

[Plumeria]

If you feel that you need him to come to you in order to prove he is equally interested in the relationship, you may have to wait a while. However, if you need that reassurance, you may always have your doubts if you reach out to him first.

I understand. That is definitely another reason why I don't reach out, I want to know that he values our relationship and WANTS to be with me instead of thinking that he just went along with it because I was there. I do know that I treated him better than anyone has ever treated him and I supported and "helped him to be a better person" (his own words). Perhaps he thinks he's made the right decision (that I might be happier with someone else) but he's wrong. It's not fair for him to make that decision for me without my input. Still, I pray every day that he will get the courage to reach out to me and that I have the patience to wait for that day.

 

[May Black]

I don't think it's about courage at all.

Had my boyfriend broken up with me, the option of going back would not exist in his world. He made a decision based on his best ability and moved on. I do understand your reasons, but you might never get a real answer. He was with you, because he wanted to be with you, not because you were around, I am quite certain about that. My boyfriend would much rather be alone that to be with the first best person that came around, and I think that goes for a lot of Aspies. To him that would be waste of time and energy. It seems to me Aspies are capable of blocking emotions once they become impractical.

This might sound very harsh, but please don't take it that way. He might not think about you very much at all right now. If he ended the relationship because it was overwhelming him, he wanted to remove it from his life in order to be able to focus on other things. Again, this doesn't mean he didn't love you or doesn't still love you, or would not be happy if you contacted him. He will probably not contact you about the things you still have at his place either for a good while. If you wanted them, you'd come and get them. They will remind him of you though, if he stumbles upon them. If this causes him distress, he might contact you to come get them, but that might not necessarily be a good thing.

One thing I was thinking about, and again, this will probably sound harsh. When in relationship with an Aspie, you cannot hope for too much. You can learn, and he can learn, but essentially, he will not change. To hope he will contact you is to hope he will get over a part of his personality that makes him who he is.

It goes beyond just the initial contact. Should you two get back together, all the things that made you insecure and unloved will remain, you will understand the reasons behind them better, but they'll still hurt.

Sometimes I'm terrified that my boyfriend will decide that he's tried this whole relationship thing with me and that it wasn't all that amazing and leave me. Sometimes things get so complicated I feel our lives would be easier if we were apart. I know that for now, we love each other a lot, and we haven't reached a point where the complications get upper hand. I'm hoping they never will, but the possibility is always there. You need to take that in consideration too. Are you willing and strong enough to endure that?

I push my boyfriend a lot. I want him to learn everything I know about life and about people. Regardless of what happens to us, I want him to grow as a person and be better equipped for life. I want to know that he'll be alright if I leave. This matters more to me than whether we're together or not, knowing he'll be fine on his own. I'm not trying to make him the man I want him to be, I want him to be the best man he possibly can for himself, and for me if I'm around or for someone else. He trusts me, because he knows my reasons aren't selfish.

He might be wrong about you being happier with someone else, I doubt there is a man that could make me happier than my boyfriend, but on the other hand, the complete despair that comes with it at times is not something I have ever experienced with anyone before. The Aspie world seems much more black and white to me compared to the grey NT. The ups will blow your mind, the downs will throw you in a well so deep, you might not even see the sky above you. What I'm trying to say is, it's not a walk through a rose garden, and even if you might feel it's worth it, you need to know you're strong enough to endure it, not for him, but for yourself.

 

[Plumeria]

Thanks May, not harsh at all, you mention things I have thought about …

I don't think it's about courage at all.

I mentioned courage in reference to CaliCat's comment that "the stubbornness is borne of fear." But I understand what you are saying also…

My boyfriend would much rather be alone that to be with the first best person that came around, and I think that goes for a lot of Aspies. To him that would be waste of time and energy. It seems to me Aspies are capable of blocking emotions once they become impractical.

This might sound very harsh, but please don't take it that way. He might not think about you very much at all right now. If he ended the relationship because it was overwhelming him, he wanted to remove it from his life in order to be able to focus on other things. Again, this doesn't mean he didn't love you or doesn't still love you, or would not be happy if you contacted him. He will probably not contact you about the things you still have at his place either for a good while. If you wanted them, you'd come and get them. They will remind him of you though, if he stumbles upon them. If this causes him distress, he might contact you to come get them, but that might not necessarily be a good thing.

Perhaps you are right but it's hard for me to believe that he does not think of me because (as far as I know) I never really overwhelmed him except for the night I cried. I always gave him the space he needed and was always supportive and helpful, not just to him but his whole family. He included me in so many aspects of his life and I touched so many parts of it … I helped him remodel his entire condo, I taught him how to bake some of my secret recipes (which he enjoys very much), I bought him several things that are hanging in his bedroom (things he cannot easily just take away), and I helped him get the job he has right now. When we broke up he even wrote "I will always remember and never forget how you treated me." You could be right and maybe as an Aspie he can block it all out easily, but I as an NT person, I wouldn't be able to.

It could be that I am still causing him distress even though I'm not in his life anymore (I've thought of this too) so maybe it's better if I stay away. I do want him to be happy also, I don't want to cause him pain or suffering or guilt or fear. Thats why when we broke up my reply to him was "I know you are unhappy. I know you better than you think. I care about you very much, that's why I've always been there for you. I know I cannot make you happy, only you can do that, so if this is what you want, I respect your decision." If I reach out to him, I would no longer be respecting his decision and maybe reaching out to him would be selfish…. so I hold off, for now.

It goes beyond just the initial contact. Should you two get back together, all the things that made you insecure and unloved will remain, you will understand the reasons behind them better, but they'll still hurt.

Sometimes I'm terrified that my boyfriend will decide that he's tried this whole relationship thing with me and that it wasn't all that amazing and leave me. Sometimes things get so complicated I feel our lives would be easier if we were apart. I know that for now, we love each other a lot, and we haven't reached a point where the complications get upper hand. I'm hoping they never will, but the possibility is always there. You need to take that in consideration too. Are you willing and strong enough to endure that?

I have definitely asked myself this many times. No offense to any Aspies here but yes, I do know that life would not be easy and I ask myself why would I want to be in a relationship with someone who is not emotionally available to me? Well, for me, the answer is he feels like home. I am more comfortable with him and love him in a way I've never loved any of my past boyfriends. Why? Here's the kicker… I think my father is Aspie too. Before I even considered Aspergers, I knew my boyfriend and my father were very similar except for one thing. My father has ANGER my boyfriend WITHDRAWS. As I was reading and researching Aspergers, I realized that my father has many (if not all) of the characteristics as well. I had a very difficult childhood growing up with him because he was also not emotionally available. I was angry with him for a VERY long time because I didn't understand how he could be so cruel. My mom and I went through so much. I saw the meltdowns, the obsessions, the almost genius like intelligence, the rude comments (especially in social situations), the lack of empathy, the inability to bring friends to my house because we were too loud, his need for solitude, etc. To this day he does not console me, we do not talk about anything other than the usual "script" but he shows me love through ACTION. He doesn't like people at all, his favorite motto is, "I'm not prejudice, I hate everybody!" Anyway, this post is not about my father so I won't go into further detail but I did have a talk with my mom about it and gave her some things to read. She was amazed at the things she read. So... perhaps the reason why I want to be in a relationship with my ex is because it feels normal to me even though I don't understand it… and as much as it doesn't make sense, it does.

I'm so confused. I know I have been going back and forth with my thoughts on this post and I apologize. It just illustrates the thoughts fighting one another in my mind. I always say to myself though, until I know exactly WHAT I want to do, I choose to do nothing. That's where I am right now. I'm trying to weigh the pros and cons of this relationship, whats best for both of us… I've considered that he's better off without me or (as some have pointed out) maybe in his mind, I'm better off without him … but I don't believe it. Yet.

 

[Cali Cat]

... I ask myself why would I want to be in a relationship with someone who is not emotionally available to me? … I think my father is Aspie too. .. perhaps the reason why I want to be in a relationship with my ex is because it feels normal to me even though I don't understand it… and as much as it doesn't make sense, it does.
QUOTE]

I hate to keep sticking my two-cents worth in, but this line of reasoning really struck a chord with me. You see, this is something that has led me into relationships as well. I won't go into detail, but I think my father was an Aspie too. Therefore, I naturally have an intimate understanding of emotionally "unique" men. This familiarity can draw me in ... that feeling of "home," as you put it.

Beware though. Just because you feel comfortable with something doesn't mean it's a good thing. People can get "comfortable" with all kinds of things, and the feeling of nostalgia is a powerful motivator too. It's hard for me to explain, but I realize now that my relationships with these men were due to a false sense of security I imagined because they reminded me of the weird world of my childhood upbringing. It's like an old pattern you feel comfortable falling back into, even though it may not be in your own best interest.

I would urge you to ask yourself this question as well: Do you want your future to reflect your past?