NT needing advice

[RabbitHeartedGirl]

I'm NT dating an aspie for about 7 months, although we've known each other for years as friends. I understood there would be challenges dating him, however even having been friends with him and knowing his tendencies couldn't have prepared me.

To start, the beginning of our relationship was quite full of sex and intimacy. He is probably a bit more comfortable on this level than some aspies (at least as far as I've read so far). He fell into a pretty heavy depression several months ago that has spiraled pretty severely the past couple months. No sex, which is mostly fine, but then now no cuddling. He'll allow me to cuddle him but doesn't really reciprocate. He's been pretty deep into video games as well, which I'm really understanding about and rarely ever ask him to deviate from that unless i've specifically asked for plans otherwise ahead of time.

So even knowing as much as I know about aspergers and him and his behaviors in general, I'm having a really difficult time with his recent withdrawal. He's typically really direct and honest, so when I've asked if there is something wrong with the relationship and he says no, it's depression, I'm inclined to believe him.

My issue is I have no idea how to exist within the aspie world that heavily overlaps with depression. He has been conditioned to bury his depression and not burden others with it. Any advice on getting him to trust me more and open up?

 

[Rayner]

I would think being there for when he's ready to open up is all you can possible do from what I'm gathering from your post. It is a very really possibility also that he doesn't exactly know how to explain his depression.

 

[MollyPolly55]

I think he probably just needs some space. Sometimes it takes us weeks to refresh our brains from all the stress and stimulation. It's not going to be easy, but patience and understanding will go a long way. If still after awhile your needs are not being met, then maybe re-evaluate the relationship. Hope this helps

 

[yungboy84]

I'm NT dating an aspie for about 7 months, although we've known each other for years as friends. I understood there would be challenges dating him, however even having been friends with him and knowing his tendencies couldn't have prepared me.

To start, the beginning of our relationship was quite full of sex and intimacy. He is probably a bit more comfortable on this level than some aspies (at least as far as I've read so far). He fell into a pretty heavy depression several months ago that has spiraled pretty severely the past couple months. No sex, which is mostly fine, but then now no cuddling. He'll allow me to cuddle him but doesn't really reciprocate. He's been pretty deep into video games as well, which I'm really understanding about and rarely ever ask him to deviate from that unless i've specifically asked for plans otherwise ahead of time.

So even knowing as much as I know about aspergers and him and his behaviors in general, I'm having a really difficult time with his recent withdrawal. He's typically really direct and honest, so when I've asked if there is something wrong with the relationship and he says no, it's depression, I'm inclined to believe him.

My issue is I have no idea how to exist within the aspie world that heavily overlaps with depression. He has been conditioned to bury his depression and not burden others with it. Any advice on getting him to trust me more and open up?

Just ask him whatever it is that you need to know, more than likely he's gonna tell you the truth. If he say's there's nothing wrong then that's your answer. To all of your questions he will find a way to answer them for you.

 

[FreeDiver]

I think the first clue is the fact that you 2 has sex at the beginning of your relationship. For you, I think you got both sex and intimacy out of the deal. As for him. I think that all he got out of the deal was sex and no intimacy, and it's that no intimacy that's taking it's toll on him. As far as he is concerned, sex was probably nothing more than assisted masturbation.

One important thing to remember about a person with Asperger's is, is that we can't emotionally connect with another person. It doesn't mean that he doesn't have feelings of emotions. It's just receiving and expressing emotions and affection can be very difficult(if not, impossible.) for an aspie to do.

 

[RabbitHeartedGirl]

I think the first clue is the fact that you 2 has sex at the beginning of your relationship. For you, I think you got both sex and intimacy out of the deal. As for him. I think that all he got out of the deal was sex and no intimacy, and it's that no intimacy that's taking it's toll on him. As far as he is concerned, sex was probably nothing more than assisted masturbation.

One important thing to remember about a person with Asperger's is, is that we can't emotionally connect with another person. It doesn't mean that he doesn't have feelings of emotions. It's just receiving and expressing emotions and affection can be very difficult(if not, impossible.) for an aspie to do.

I'm not sure that's entirely true for him regarding the sex/intimacy. He was surprisingly very affectionate the first several months, even without a sexual encounter. When the sex stopped suddenly, the intimacy and cuddling didn't go with it at first. Granted, notions of affection that didn't coincide with sex were hard for him to get used to, i.e. I would hug and kiss him when greeting or leaving each other. At first he was clearly uneasy with how to reposed to this, now he recognizes this is something to expect of me when we see each other.

I also recognize he may not fully know how to explain his depression. He knows when he is going through it and when it's particularly bad compared to other times of depression. He can pinpoint a few reasons that triggered it. But doesn't seem to know how to remedy the depression or accept help or talk about it.

 

[Suzanne]

Bravo to you for "reaching" out and asking us; it would be so refreshing if other nt's did too!

As everyone says; space is what he needs. I know that if I could ask my husband anything, it would be to give me space when I am overwhelmed. I do not suffer depression, but do get very meloncholy and actually, I value the closeness, but when I feel overwhelmed, I would give anything for him to just leave me alone, because actually it makes it worse and last longer when pressure is there.

Trust him that he says it is not about you and know that you are actually showing love when you leave him alone!

 

[Suzanne]

I'm not sure that's entirely true for him regarding the sex/intimacy. He was surprisingly very affectionate the first several months, even without a sexual encounter. When the sex stopped suddenly, the intimacy and cuddling didn't go with it at first. Granted, notions of affection that didn't coincide with sex were hard for him to get used to, i.e. I would hug and kiss him when greeting or leaving each other. At first he was clearly uneasy with how to reposed to this, now he recognizes this is something to expect of me when we see each other.

I also recognize he may not fully know how to explain his depression. He knows when he is going through it and when it's particularly bad compared to other times of depression. He can pinpoint a few reasons that triggered it. But doesn't seem to know how to remedy the depression or accept help or talk about it.

You highlight clearly the point that it takes a person who is confident in their own skin to be in a relationship with an aspie, because of the severe challenges.

It is very hard to explain emotions; it is just a sensation of nastiness, but there is a blank when it has to be talked about.

I hug my husband and kiss him and caress him, because I have learned that is what he likes, but in truth, I have no emotion; in fact, he would be horrified to know that I sort of look with interest at the whole notion of kissing!

 

[Southern Discomfort]

You might want to think about getting him to see the GP if he can't open up about it. I'm assuming you don't really know what is causing the depression. I can't necessarily say that medication is the answer because a lot of them do affect libido, but they might be able to help.

 

[Liam Sifr]

Ask him if he needs space. Let him know you're there when he needs you. Let him feel that he's regaining control over his life, but prompt him (not badger him) to set aside time for you both to spend some quiet time (or for you to just sit next to him when he's gaming). Let him know you're there and that there's no pressure. He will display some need for affection, touching your hand, or some minute gesture that most nt's end up dismissing. Reciprocate, with the same amount. If he feels he can trust you not to crowd his space or overwhelm his senses, he will reciprocate again. What he does not feel comfortable with he probably will not do. So avoid those. Ask him to email you his concerns or write them down. That helps too sometimes.

 

[wfs]

Although isolation and withdrawal from social interaction is certainly common and normal among introverts (ND), depression can be a sign of a deeper biological problem. We have to be careful when we take an accepting stance concerning the uniqueness of each of us, that we don't accidentally, even compassionately, tolerate a major depressive episode. If depression, alcoholism, drug addiction, or manic behavior, runs in his family, there is a good chance that he may suffer from a cycling depressive disorder. A good medical doctor can be a helpful ally. respect.

 

[AveApollo]

I've had a similar experience (from the Aspie side). For me, I did not know how to express myself. I was depressed but until I was on my own for a while, I didn't know so clearly what it was that was making me unhappy.

We cannot 'see the big picture/wood from the trees' very well. We need time and space alone to make sense of how the different parts of life connect. Then we can express ourselves more clearly and more accurately verbally.

Also, when I did realise the elements that were not right in my life, I was too afraid to tell them, in case she left me and thought I was incompatible. Sometimes we see a black and white outcome. Either the partner will be understanding or they'll leave me. Reality is that there are grey areas, and when he is ready, he should know that communication is the key to relationship. It's just that we communicate differently.

So:

1) Give Aspie time alone (away from distractions like video games and special interests, or at least not as much time on them - possibly a change of scenery), but done ALONE;

2) When he is ready: let him know how willing you are to work things out with him, and that even if it is something that will be difficult for you, that it's not a black and white outcome.

Personally, I left it too late to realise that this is what I needed, but I was undiagnosed at the time. I am officially diagnosed now and hope that this insight is of some use to you.

 

[dave_at_edi]

Is there a correlation between when he started acting depressed and when he started hitting video games more heavily? Video games are a way of trying to get more control back into the life, but almost all of them stress the body and mind, and end in failure in some way. This is not good for someone who is in a depressive cycle.

Suggestion: Buy a Sudoku book, start solving them when you are together, then ask him to help you. Sudoku ends with a win -- there is always a solution. Doing the puzzles is a little like stimming, but using the brain logically, which us Aspies do really well.

 

[RabbitHeartedGirl]

Although isolation and withdrawal from social interaction is certainly common and normal among introverts (ND), depression can be a sign of a deeper biological problem. We have to be careful when we take an accepting stance concerning the uniqueness of each of us, that we don't accidentally, even compassionately, tolerate a major depressive episode. If depression, alcoholism, drug addiction, or manic behavior, runs in his family, there is a good chance that he may suffer from a cycling depressive disorder. A good medical doctor can be a helpful ally. respect.

He has a long standing problem with depression. He sees a therapist once a week already as well as on multiple medications.

I've had a similar experience (from the Aspie side). For me, I did not know how to express myself. I was depressed but until I was on my own for a while, I didn't know so clearly what it was that was making me unhappy.

We cannot 'see the big picture/wood from the trees' very well. We need time and space alone to make sense of how the different parts of life connect. Then we can express ourselves more clearly and more accurately verbally.

Also, when I did realise the elements that were not right in my life, I was too afraid to tell them, in case she left me and thought I was incompatible. Sometimes we see a black and white outcome. Either the partner will be understanding or they'll leave me. Reality is that there are grey areas, and when he is ready, he should know that communication is the key to relationship. It's just that we communicate differently.

So:

1) Give Aspie time alone (away from distractions like video games and special interests, or at least not as much time on them - possibly a change of scenery), but done ALONE;

2) When he is ready: let him know how willing you are to work things out with him, and that even if it is something that will be difficult for you, that it's not a black and white outcome.

Personally, I left it too late to realise that this is what I needed, but I was undiagnosed at the time. I am officially diagnosed now and hope that this insight is of some use to you.

I totally understand his need for space, while also struggling with the way he takes it, which I also logically understand. Part of my issue is I've had a previous relationship who took space to cheat. I don't believe for a second this is what's happening, but when he needs his space and doesn't communicate that to me, it definitely pushes buttons I don't like being pushed. I'm very cognizant not to ever punish him or retaliate for that, I spend an insane amount of time cycling through my range of emotions that crop up.

I also have a fairly high understanding that he is used to partners who can't/won't deal with his depression and moods and end up seeking partners who are more NT on the emotional spectrum or who have fabricated problems to elicit an emotional response from him, then attempt to emotionally mind**** him by coming back after leaving saying things like "you didn't even say you wanted me to stay but I miss you".

I pay attention to these stories to hear what he can't say in so many words but are obviously important markers of emotion for him. But in the meantime, his depression is out of control and he's withdrawing, I'm dealing with my own low level depression (rough time of year for me and some other stuff that typically clears within a couple weeks) and feeling bewildered at not knowing exactly how much is me being supportive or being a contributor to part of his depression by offering help.

So how much space do I give him? Do I check in by text daily to let him know I'm still here for him or do I tell him I'm here and let me know when he needs me or is ready to reach out?

Thanks for the advice, btw. My NT friends don't get it at all, with the exception of my sister who used to be a very close friend of his back in high school so she has trouble separating her friend and sister dating

 

[RabbitHeartedGirl]

Is there a correlation between when he started acting depressed and when he started hitting video games more heavily? Video games are a way of trying to get more control back into the life, but almost all of them stress the body and mind, and end in failure in some way. This is not good for someone who is in a depressive cycle.

Suggestion: Buy a Sudoku book, start solving them when you are together, then ask him to help you. Sudoku ends with a win -- there is always a solution. Doing the puzzles is a little like stimming, but using the brain logically, which us Aspies do really well.

The gaming definitely cropped up with the depression and has increased as the depression has increased. Sudoku is an amazing suggestion. Thank you!

 

[AngelWings17]

A quote from my boyfriend, an NT, about dating aspies.

"Treat them like any other person. Cuz we are all human no matter what we have. If you love them then love them just like any other human being."

If you were in a relationship with another NT who had depression, what would you give them when they are having an episode?

My boyfriend also has bipolar/depression, and when he has a depressive episode, I give him the space to be in his own world for a while. He told me that music, isolation, video games, and movies/tv are the things he needs most when he's depressed.

NOTE: I am an aspie myself and relationships are harder for us than the average person. Somehow my lovely boyfriend has been able to put up with me and we've been together almost 5 years. I know it's hard right now, but you'll get through it together. Trust me.

 

[Judge]

Perhaps the most critical bit of advice for an NT seeking or maintaining a relationship with someone on the spectrum is to accept that solitude for us is like the air you require to breathe. To accept that why we seek solitude isn't important so much as simply allowing us to have it when we need it.

As for depression itself, it's something I've had most of my adult life. IMO, it isn't something to share with others.

Your "challenge" as I see it, is to be there when he comes out of it all, as much as being able to accept it when that's a place he retreats to when needed. That it's a a space only he can occupy as required.

And equally to understand that if you are incapable of doing as such on a prolonged basis, to be able to move on without feeling you have let him- or yourself down. To accept the reality- and truth that such a relationship isn't for just anyone.

 

[RabbitHeartedGirl]

A quote from my boyfriend, an NT, about dating aspies.

"Treat them like any other person. Cuz we are all human no matter what we have. If you love them then love them just like any other human being."

If you were in a relationship with another NT who had depression, what would you give them when they are having an episode?

My boyfriend also has bipolar/depression, and when he has a depressive episode, I give him the space to be in his own world for a while. He told me that music, isolation, video games, and movies/tv are the things he needs most when he's depressed.

NOTE: I am an aspie myself and relationships are harder for us than the average person. Somehow my lovely boyfriend has been able to put up with me and we've been together almost 5 years. I know it's hard right now, but you'll get through it together. Trust me.

Having been through my own rounds of depression I try applying things that helped me. He gets overwhelmed with "adulting " so his apartment often looks like a war zone. I remember feeling so overwhelmed by household chores during my depression that I had no idea where to start. So I never did them. Now I don't mind tidying and cleaning so i help when I'm over. At the beginning of our relationship he would get irritated at this, telling me he is an adult who can do his own chores. So I'd do minor things when he was in the shower, little things that weren't a full cleaning but slight tidying that he wouldn't notice.

He also struggles with finances so I often make sure to offer to grab things at the store for him, make dinner, etc. when he has extra money he always offers to pay and contribute. I can't always tell if this helps or exacerbates the situation since he doesn't elaborate much beyond general statements of feeling stressed about money or being broke.

I also always make offers to help which he always declines. "Anything I can do to help?" Is there a better say I can offer help?

 

[AngelWings17]

Having been through my own rounds of depression I try applying things that helped me. He gets overwhelmed with "adulting " so his apartment often looks like a war zone. I remember feeling so overwhelmed by household chores during my depression that I had no idea where to start. So I never did them. Now I don't mind tidying and cleaning so i help when I'm over. At the beginning of our relationship he would get irritated at this, telling me he is an adult who can do his own chores. So I'd do minor things when he was in the shower, little things that weren't a full cleaning but slight tidying that he wouldn't notice.

He also struggles with finances so I often make sure to offer to grab things at the store for him, make dinner, etc. when he has extra money he always offers to pay and contribute. I can't always tell if this helps or exacerbates the situation since he doesn't elaborate much beyond general statements of feeling stressed about money or being broke.

I also always make offers to help which he always declines. "Anything I can do to help?" Is there a better say I can offer help?

Righ now, like with what a lot of people are saying, I think he might just need space. I'm not really the best to ask when it comes to relationship advice anymore. I used to be, but that became null and void once I got into my first relationship. I know more about Depression and Asperger's now than I do about relationships.

I struggle with adulting myself. I want to be more independent, like I'm sure he does, but it's ten times as hard for aspies than NTs. We struggle with getting chores done, controlling our finances, and we get frustrated when things don't go the way we want them to. Just try to be patient with him. You'll get to a mutual understanding of each other sooner than you think.

 

[Bloodline]

I'm NT dating an aspie for about 7 months, although we've known each other for years as friends. I understood there would be challenges dating him, however even having been friends with him and knowing his tendencies couldn't have prepared me.

To start, the beginning of our relationship was quite full of sex and intimacy. He is probably a bit more comfortable on this level than some aspies (at least as far as I've read so far). He fell into a pretty heavy depression several months ago that has spiraled pretty severely the past couple months. No sex, which is mostly fine, but then now no cuddling. He'll allow me to cuddle him but doesn't really reciprocate. He's been pretty deep into video games as well, which I'm really understanding about and rarely ever ask him to deviate from that unless i've specifically asked for plans otherwise ahead of time.

So even knowing as much as I know about aspergers and him and his behaviors in general, I'm having a really difficult time with his recent withdrawal. He's typically really direct and honest, so when I've asked if there is something wrong with the relationship and he says no, it's depression, I'm inclined to believe him.

My issue is I have no idea how to exist within the aspie world that heavily overlaps with depression. He has been conditioned to bury his depression and not burden others with it. Any advice on getting him to trust me more and open up?

Clearly he has something that occurred or was said that he is still processing over and over and over again, He needs to resolve what ever that issue is and then he can move on. I just recently resolved a issue from a email message from 2008, every day I ran different scenarios regarding it and considered saying something to the female that had hurt my sense of being. I finally told her the reason I had not spoken to her since 2008 was she hurt me, she apologized admitting she had no idea what it was about but she did day the right words and this has now been removed from my list of obsession.

My point being that there is an unresolved issue, it involves you maybe maybe not, tell him you want to help work through what is bothering him because you may have resolutions he has not thought of.