NT female with Aspie man - am I stuck as a FWB

[Redruby]

Hello Everyone,

I have been reading this forums for a while and I appreciate everyone's honesty and advices and decided to write a topic myself. Any advices or thoughts written for me will be much appreciated.

I am a NT female who has met an Aspie man a little over a year online. We texted and talked on a phone for a month but he ended up going back to his ex so we stopped talking till we reconnected this past June. We finally met but I noticed our interaction was quite different, he came to my house but chose to sit really far away from me, didn't really look in my eyes and after he had left, I couldn't help but to think he wasn't into me. Anyways he eventually told me he had asperger when I reached out to him the next time.

With a little interactions we had with each other, I dont know why but I really wanted to get to know him and have him get to know me. We started hanging out, texting here and there and had started having physical interactions. We became FWB because we never had any serious talks and so after 2 months of seeing him, I told him I have a crush on him and he told me he just broke up with his Ex and that he doesn't want a relationship so he thought it would be the best for us to stop seeing each other. I was heartbroken but I respected his wishes and stopped reaching out to him.

A month later, he reached out texting me saying he enjoys hanging out with me and that he'd like to hang out with me again. I called to ask what his intentions were and he told me that he doesn't want anything serious and if I can handle that we should hang out. I told him if I hang out with him, it is because I have feelings for him and he just said that's bad. We hung out anyways.

We've been hanging out on and off since then but he clearly told me he wants to sleep with other girls and wants to date other girls. I again told him I have feelings for him and he said that's not a good idea. He told me he doesn't like talking about emotions and that he doesn't like it when I bring things up like this when we hang out. I tried staying away from him but he texted me here and there so again I went to see him and this time around as soon as I saw him he told me during the absence of my presence he started hanging out with another girl and she might become his girlfriend. That really upset me and asked him why he invited me over. He told me he always told me that he didn't see me like that, he never sees me as a woman that will be his wife so there is no reason for me to be his girlfriend. If he was going to be my boyfriend he would of been so already. This absolutely crushed my heart. I was so upset but he still initiated being physical with me. I asked him why he thinks this other girl can be his girlfriend but not me and he told me he never saw me like that and she makes him feel a way that I don't.

We hung out again couple days ago. He told me to not bring up anything emotional. I didn't. We hung out all day and again had hooked up, which he quickly initiated several times while we hung out. I think we had a good time hanging out with each other, I know I enjoyed being around my crush even though my heart hurts because I feel like he just sees me as a sex object.

This post is getting long so I'll wrap it up. I really have so much feelings for him. I adore him and care about him yet he has told me that he doesn't have feelings for me like that and never will. I personally don't fall for someone so easily and unfortunately I have so much feelings for this man although he is telling me that he doesn't feel that way. I have a hard time spending time with a man so personally and physically with someone I am not into so in my head this is something special to me. Do you think he would ever change his mind? I'm a sweet genuine person and as truthful as he has been, I have always told him that I have feelings for him, that's why I keep reaching out. He tells me he hangs out with me the most compared to other friends he has in his life and he is very into having a physical relationship with me each time we see each other. Doesn't that mean anything because it means so much to me. Does an Aspie man, with a made up mind towards a woman he hangs out with never change his mind even if I keep hanging out with him?

Any advices will be appreciated. I have so much feelings for him but my heart is hurting. I keep going back to him because I want to keep trying, to see if he would want to be with me eventually because I really want a relationship with him.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Beverly]

If he insists on having multiple hook ups and, you can't handle that, not much you can do but, as much as he might hate it, you should find out if he thinks he needs multiple hook ups because he is afraid of being alone or, if he simply enjoys the variety.

If it's a fear of not having anyone, you might be able to work on that together, if he simply enjoys it, then, nothing you can do about that.

 

[Tom]

I don't see this as an Aspie thing. Aspies are as likely to prefer single person relationships as anyone else. In fact I would suspect they tend towards that but have no evidence. So I would say you just have a guy who likes multiple partners. He is at least being honest and not trying to play you mentally. I would really not expect his feelings to change. If he hasn't fallen for you by now, its not likely to happen.

 

[Mia]

Think that you need to look at things in the clear light of day. This relationship does not seem good for you and you appear to be quite painfully enamored of someone who has few feelings for you. You need to look at why you care for this man, what is it that makes you care about him?

Often, we care about people who directly emulate the relationships we saw growing up. Our parents for example, if our mother or our father ignored us or was remote in their care, we tend toward being drawn to a relationship which is similar so that eventually we can work towards fixing it in our own lives. So for example a father who was not there for us, or a mother who was withdrawn would cause us a lot of loneliness and sadness in childhood. Without even understanding this, we become involved in relationships that are similar to our parents personalities, in our boyfriend or girlfriend, and try to repair the error somehow in our own lives.

Many people do this without even understanding that they are doing it. Eventually in retrospect, we begin to see this, but are often unaware that is what we are attempting in our lives. We tend to repeat over and over in relationships the same 'fixing' and 'repair' of our experiences from childhood. Although this might seem ridiculous, it is often true for many relationships. I personally was involved for a time with a an emotionally remote man, I cared about him, yet, most of the time he showed no real affection for me. Very much like my relationship with my mother, who was not affectionate, remote, and uncaring. Each man that I intentionally became involved with had some of those characteristics. When I realized this, I saw their similarities to my own mother, and eventually realized that it was unhealthy for me emotionally. Like history repeating itself.

It's something we all do, if our relationships with our family were problematic in any way. With understanding of our own needs, and with emotional maturity we move towards relationships that are good for us, and not destructive of ourselves.

 

[Redruby]

Thank you all for your responses.

Mia, your answer hit a deep emotion and issue I have with my childhood and your reply was very heavy for me.

Tom, you are right. He is being honest with his intentions so it is basically my fault that I caught feelings.

Beverly, I think he wants multiple partners while with me because he is still searching for the One for himself.

As I reread my post, it sounded so pathetic and it really hurts to see what position I have chosen to put myself with this man. I guess I have to look deeper into myself and figure out what is wrong with myself and why I chose to have such grand emotions and attachment for a man that clearly does not want me.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I guess I have to look deeper into myself and figure out what is wrong with myself and why I chose to have such grand emotions and attachment for a man that clearly does not want me.

It is not "something wrong with you." It just means you are human. You didn't choose to have those emotions and attachment to him; stuff like that sometimes happens.

Probably you made a mistake in remaining physically involved with him, but it is an understandable, if regrettable, mistake. The one thing you can exercise choice and control over is your actions. And though you can't control your feelings directly, if you act a certain way, your emotions will end up following and being shaped by your actions. Emotions are like plants. If you are cultivating a plant, you can't just look at it and say "plant grow," and make it grow by sheer will-power. But you can do the things that will lead to its growth, you can give it the correct amount of water, and sunlight, and plant it in soil with the right composition. The same happens with your emotions, little by little they will respond to the course laid out by your actions.

In other words, as much as it hurts now to say goodbye to him, with time you will find peace in that decision.

 

[sisselcakes]

Don't be so hard on yourself. We all do things based on emotion. At least you have opened your eyes and can make decisions based on the reality of the situation now. Good luck!

 

[Beverly]

Redruby Nothing wrong with you. He may be a sweet, generous, funny, wonderful guy just as you are a sweet, generous, funny, wonderful woman but he doesn't want the same thing from a relationship with you as you want from that relationship.

He may actually want you but, has other issues going on that he can't or won't let go of. My Ex Step son is like that, Jane [not her real name] adores him and, he adores her, but he invites Sally and Nancy [not real names] out or gives them a ride whenever they ask. He thinks they are just friends, even though he sleeps with both of them now and again and refuses to understand why Jane is upset and won't move in with him.

Underneath it all, the real reason he does that is that he is terrified of not having a girlfriend so, he makes sure he has someone to fall back to, a second choice, waiting in case the one he really wants dumps him. He panics if he has to spend even an hour without talking to or texting a woman that would sleep with him and, gets frantically worried if they don't text him or call him multiple times a day. He's that terrified of being alone and single.

At this point he refuses to even try to work on that and, he's going to end up alone and single because of it - nobody wants a cheater. It is possible your guy has similar issues and, would be willing to work on it if he had some assurance that doing so would not leave him alone and single forever.

 

[Mia]

Redruby let me qualify my reply. You are not at fault here, and are not doing anything wrong. Many people have relationships that are like this. Having a relationship with someone fills a need that most every person has; for affection, companionship, physical closeness, connection with another human being that is a basic human need for most people in the world.

This is normal behavior, this is what people do. People who have relationships with others discover what sort of person they would like to have in their lives. Who they think would eventually be their perfect companion. Before I met my husband in the 1980's I went out with a male model, a hockey player, a ballroom dancer, a circus trick rider. All of them interested me, they had qualities that I liked and enjoyed, but they weren't the 'one.' Eventually I met someone who I understood was the right person, with the qualities I wanted in a life-long mate. It took some time, but it was part of a process of knowing myself and understanding what I wanted. That's what you do, life and relationships are a learning process.

 

[SurvivalCyclist]

wow never had one of my NT exs ever feel that strongly about me ever

 

[Redruby]

Hi everyone.

I wanted to follow up. I thank you all first for your responses, I wrote in when I was feeling the most sadest, and the following two weeks I basically went thru withdrawal from the love addiction I have for the guy. It was painful, but I questioned my personal issues (why I go for unavailable men) and each day picked up the pieces of my broken heart to bandage it so it can slowly get healed. I didn't reach out to him and promised myself a better future for myself in 2016.

With all the promises of I'll never contact him from my side and I need to let go, he reached out to me asking if I was home because he's walking by my house couple days ago. I ignored his call & text that day and the next day he texted me saying that he's sorry for bothering me.

He's never been mean to me, just his bluntness has been hurtful for me because it's not what I want to hear. I thought ignoring him would be rude so I texted back the day after saying I'm not strong enough and that my heart hurts too much to continue seeing him. We ended up talking on the phone (even though he quickly changes the subject when it becomes something emotional) where he told me he hasn't hung out with the girl who would of became his girlfriend for a while. That he would like to hang out with me, indirectly hinting that my heart shouldn't hurt that much because of that fact.

Now before I would of taken that as a "oh he likes me and wants to be with me", but from our previous talks about how he doesn't see me as someone he wants as a girlfriend, I know he is reaching out to me for sex and companionship because he's told me in the pat that he doesn't hang out with many people but do enjoy hanging out with me.

What I don't understand is that he knows I have feelings for him, he knows I get upset over the fact that he never will want to be my boyfriend. If he has the other girl who he can have sex with, who he even saw a potential in her to be his girlfriend, who is less emotional about their relationship, why is he reaching out to me? I tried taking about how it hurts me because I have feelings for him and he said well that's not good, it's bad, I'm not heartless in our previous talks so why is he reaching out to me again? My hopeless romantic mind makes me think "I think he likes me, and sees more in me now if he's pushing aside a girl that could of potentially been his girlfriend and chooses to reach out to me, because I might actually mean something to him ".

Anyways, I have feelings for him. If he doesn't reciprocate, I cant keep hanging out with him like last year pretending that everything is okay. For my sanity and self worth.

Tomorrow night he wants to hang out and is already talking about how it's going to be at his apartment because he wants to have sex I'm sure, but I personally would feel more comfortable meeting him at a bar or a diner so I can talk about where my head and heart is at, but he hates when I talk about my emotions (it makes him
Uncomfortable) so I don't know what to do. I'm actually uncomfortable not being able to lay down my boundaries for this relationship if you can even call it that.

Any advices will be appreciated. Any aspires point of view will be grateful - I just want an idea to why he keeps coming back to me when I tell him I have feelings for him and he tells me he thinks that's a bad idea. I know people might chime in saying its because I am enabling him by hooking up with him, that's why he keeps coming back, but really is it just because of that ? Do you also think I'm repeating myself too much with the emotional thing and be happy he wants to hang out with me? It's just hard to be happy and positive with someone that told me he never wants to be my boyfriend.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Hi everyone.

I wanted to follow up. I thank you all first for your responses, I wrote in when I was feeling the most sadest, and the following two weeks I basically went thru withdrawal from the love addiction I have for the guy. It was painful, but I questioned my personal issues (why I go for unavailable men) and each day picked up the pieces of my broken heart to bandage it so it can slowly get healed. I didn't reach out to him and promised myself a better future for myself in 2016.

With all the promises of I'll never contact him from my side and I need to let go, he reached out to me asking if I was home because he's walking by my house couple days ago. I ignored his call & text that day and the next day he texted me saying that he's sorry for bothering me.

He's never been mean to me, just his bluntness has been hurtful for me because it's not what I want to hear. I thought ignoring him would be rude so I texted back the day after saying I'm not strong enough and that my heart hurts too much to continue seeing him. We ended up talking on the phone (even though he quickly changes the subject when it becomes something emotional) where he told me he hasn't hung out with the girl who would of became his girlfriend for a while. That he would like to hang out with me, indirectly hinting that my heart shouldn't hurt that much because of that fact.

Now before I would of taken that as a "oh he likes me and wants to be with me", but from our previous talks about how he doesn't see me as someone he wants as a girlfriend, I know he is reaching out to me for sex and companionship because he's told me in the pat that he doesn't hang out with many people but do enjoy hanging out with me.

What I don't understand is that he knows I have feelings for him, he knows I get upset over the fact that he never will want to be my boyfriend. If he has the other girl who he can have sex with, who he even saw a potential in her to be his girlfriend, who is less emotional about their relationship, why is he reaching out to me? I tried taking about how it hurts me because I have feelings for him and he said well that's not good, it's bad, I'm not heartless in our previous talks so why is he reaching out to me again? My hopeless romantic mind makes me think "I think he likes me, and sees more in me now if he's pushing aside a girl that could of potentially been his girlfriend and chooses to reach out to me, because I might actually mean something to him ".

Anyways, I have feelings for him. If he doesn't reciprocate, I cant keep hanging out with him like last year pretending that everything is okay. For my sanity and self worth.

Tomorrow night he wants to hang out and is already talking about how it's going to be at his apartment because he wants to have sex I'm sure, but I personally would feel more comfortable meeting him at a bar or a diner so I can talk about where my head and heart is at, but he hates when I talk about my emotions (it makes him
Uncomfortable) so I don't know what to do. I'm actually uncomfortable not being able to lay down my boundaries for this relationship if you can even call it that.

Any advices will be appreciated. Any aspires point of view will be grateful - I just want an idea to why he keeps coming back to me when I tell him I have feelings for him and he tells me he thinks that's a bad idea. I know people might chime in saying its because I am enabling him by hooking up with him, that's why he keeps coming back, but really is it just because of that ? Do you also think I'm repeating myself too much with the emotional thing and be happy he wants to hang out with me? It's just hard to be happy and positive with someone that told me he never wants to be my boyfriend.

I think he has some sort of feelings for you. Perhaps not strong enough to have motivated him to commit, but still strong enough for him to try to keep contacting you. In all honesty, the fact that you are now standing up for yourself, and showing that you have standards, can actually make people (including him) want to be around you more.

That being said, be careful not to let this end up slipping back into the previous pattern.

I'm going to ask my male friend for his take on this-he's the kind of guy who would understand where this guy is coming from.

 

[Beverly]

To me that sounds more like a fear of and very low tolerance for spending any time alone as well as a pretty intense fear of not having a partner. It sounds like he's stringing a few girls along as FWB but still looking for GF too and, won't let the others go because he needs them to fall back on if the GF doesn't work out.

It doesn't take an Aspie to do that, and it doesn't even take an Aspie to be blunt and open about the other women either. My ex step son is like that and, he is not on the spectrum but, does have an intense fear of being alone, as in he gets a bit crazy if he's by himself for even an hour and isn't sleeping. Has four, possibly five female FWB, trying to get any one of them to become his live in GF, but all of them know of the others so, of course no GF for him. He's trying so hard not to be alone that he is going to end up alone because of it.

That sounds like what this guy you're talking about is doing and, that doesn't take an Aspie. The fact that he is one is just a bit of side information, not relevant to his womanizing ways, IMHO.

 

[ancusmitis]

(even though he quickly changes the subject when it becomes something emotional)

This is what really gets me. He is disrespecting your emotional needs. If he is not willing to sit down and listen, then he doesn't deserve your time.

 

[Jonathan Lees]

he sounds pretty ****** to me. it sounds like he's not looking for the same thing as you or even respecting you enough to think about what you want so its not worth giving him the time of day. good luck you sound like a very nice person and I've had similar issues where i have become very attached to someone even though they aren't worth it so i can sympathise.