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Featured Not sure what to do with volatile sister relationship

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by Frostee, Apr 18, 2019.

  1. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I think it's control. With my sister - we don't live close and her expectations always included me having to drive long distances. She'd make plans but not want to go alone and I became her puppet. If I didn't go she'd get mad. But I really doubt there is any guilt involves. The buying things is how she thinks she is controlling you - buying you.
     
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  2. Nervous Rex

    Nervous Rex High-functioning autistic V.I.P Member

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    This is the right answer. In an relationship, the only thing you can change is your behavior.
     
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  3. Jojo_LB

    Jojo_LB Brilliant Enigma V.I.P Member

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    I am answering as someone who is estranged from both of her sisters.

    My older sister is similar to me. I am positive she is on the spectrum and may or may not have ADHD too. There is a six-year age gap between us, so we are not close in age as you are to your sister.

    My older sister was definitely controlling. My parents worked a lot when I was a child, so I didn't see much of them. I was with my sister and cousins a lot. I don't remember too much about my childhood, but I do remember that I was close to her, sort of. We had a decent relationship sometimes. We hung out a lot. But she was also very nasty to me. She'd hit me because of the way I acted. My culture dictated that I could not hit back or even say anything to defend myself.

    Anyway, our relationship started getting very rocky when I was around 20. I was going through a lot of bad stuff, and she didn't understand it, nor did she care to understand it. So she just made assumptions, and got herself all worked up about those assumptions. We both half-heartedly tried to keep a relationship, but eventually, her being overly judgmental and angry at everything i did pretty much ruined any chances of making our relationship stronger. I decided to not pursue having a relationship with her anymore. She made me feel like crap about myself. She was a gas-lighter. I made the decision that the best thing for my well-being is to not have any sort of relationship with her anymore.

    It hurt really bad to make that decision, but it had to be done. Neither of us are in any hurry to repair anything. *shrug*

    So I agree what was already said above. Ultimately you have to look out for yourself. If you find that this volatile relationship is causing you pain that is affecting many areas of your life, maybe it's a good idea to step away from her for a while and figure things out? Be honest. Let her know that the volatility of the relationship is harming you (and it actually may be harming her too), and that you need to cut back on hanging out for a while. She may respond to that very negatively, judging by her treatment of you... Of course, you can always keep in touch with short and sweet texts. (example, "Hey, been thinking about you and hope everything's good X")

    Maybe in the future, when she's in a good mood, plan something for a nice and easygoing time, but keep it short.
     
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  4. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Warning: going on rant here. :) I actually cringe when I think of my past with my one sister. She was 11 months older than me and I was always basically her puppet. Being non-verbal as a child, she was the one who spoke for me so that probably made it easy for her to fall into that puppet master role. I was one she could do mean things to, like calling me into the room with a bunch of her friends only to make fun of me in front of them. Being 3rd and 4th, and so close in age, we were grouped together, had to share everything and in my younger years, anything she did I was forced to do, too. So, I can understand how the relationship became puppet and puppet master but, the thing is - it continued. That's the only way she knew how to be with me (oh - she's that way with her kids, too). Your relationship with siblings never change because they always see you as they did growing up.
    (Hey - my rant wasn't as bad as I thought it would be - when I started typing all these horrible things she has ever done to me was in the back of my mind, but as I typed, they settled down. :) )
     
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  5. Catherine Crowne

    Catherine Crowne Look through the eyes of change

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    I believe she does the things she does because she has a disorder. That is a reason but not an excuse for abusive behavior. She needs to get help. But that has to be her decision. The best thing you can do is draw a line (hard to do), you let her know you will not have a relationship with her unless she starts therapy.
    Unless she addresses this it will continue.
     
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  6. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Therapy would be a great idea if she is aware of her own actions, which often times they are oblivious to their harsh treatment of others. My sister was actually in therapy and she would tell me things he asked and her answers, and I would be like, "What???" Even our childhood was nothing like she decribed to the therapist. If she's going to tell the therapist how wonderful she is, it's not going to help.
     
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  7. Loren

    Loren Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I'm sorry for what you've had to endure. The silent treatment and other passive-aggressive behaviors you've mentioned, are, in most cases, considered forms of emotional/psychological control and manipulation, and have the ability to wreak havoc on one's psyche/ mental wellbeing. Exposure to these abusive behaviors can cause considerable uncertainty and anxiety, lead to ptsd and other conditions. Since your sister is unwilling to talk/work through things, and you are, instead, being met with abusive behavior - as others have, also, suggested, take care of yourself and your mental wellbeing, even if that means severing contact. I wish you the best.
     
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2019
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  8. Frostee

    Frostee Well-Known Member

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    Thanks everybody. I sent her a message asking her what was wrong with her and why she was ignoring me. That was ignored.

    Don’t know what to do with her, I am rude to her and we argue but she does manipulate me and act in a hot and cold manner.

    It’s really frustrating that I can’t get a resolution to this. It’s almost as if she wants to keep it going.
     
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  9. tducey

    tducey Well-Known Member

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    Always good to have a positive friendship with your sister, my sister is good and I love her but she does have her ways. Sometimes you just got to bite your tongue and ignore them. If it gets to be to much then I'd bring it up with someone who could help you both get along better.
     
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  10. Frostee

    Frostee Well-Known Member

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    I would just like to get an understanding of what she is doing when she ignores me or has a change of mood.
     
  11. Loren

    Loren Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    If you are sensing that 'she wants to keep it going', you are probably right, and might want to refrain from giving her further opportunities (not saying I know what's best for you, however). There are certain conditions that can cause a person to be controlling and/ or manipulative, but these behaviors would, generally, stem from fear and a need for control of the person's own scenarios, without malicious intent towards the other person. If your sister had such a condition, you would, likely, be able to get through to her with some effort, and she'd, more likely, have the desire to sort things out with herself and with you. Anyway, I hope whatever happens, things go well for you in the end.
     
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2019
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  12. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    Exactly, she does want it to keep going, everyone wants their behavior to keep going, otherwise it wouldnt continue.

    There's something she gets out of it, whether it be a subconscious desire to recreate an abusive relationship or a desire for others to feel as bad she does, there's something that satisfies something within her with every moment of her abusive behavior.

    The reasons are often complex and personal, which is why it's not something you can just decide to handle. That's her job, and only she can do it.
     
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  13. Frostee

    Frostee Well-Known Member

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    Thanks everybody for your replies.

    I just had a long row with my mum and dad about this. I’ve been trying to get my sister to go out. She responded to my first message but ignored the next few.

    Talked to my father and mum about this. Just turned into massive row.

    My father was only concerned with me going away so he could watch his programme. He didn’t care to talk about it.

    His response was one of irritation and could be summarised as “I am tired of you talking about this, shut up and stop it. If she doesn’t respect you don’t talk to her”, but with a lot of cursing and shouting.

    My mother insinuated that I should shut up and stop talking about it because of his reaction. She thought that I was making a fuss over it. (So she wasn’t bothered about resolving the issue, either)

    Afterwards my mum ranted about how irritating I am and how she wished she never had children

    I don’t think my parents are that understanding of my issues or debacles. They don’t try to understand where I am coming from.

    It just makes me wonder if I am burden or if I should cut the cord. I mean to be hurt about something and have my parents lash out at me. Telling me to stop talking about what is annoying me is hurtful and beyond the way most people would react.

    I have no one to turn to or talk to about this.

    Not sure what to do about this.

    Very depressed right now.
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2019
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  14. Jojo_LB

    Jojo_LB Brilliant Enigma V.I.P Member

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    I'm sorry your parents treat you that way. That must be very isolating and frustrating.

    You and your sister are adults. I would say to leave your parents totally out of it. They are cruel, dismissive and disrespectful. You don't need that right now, 'cause you're already going through problems with your sister. And quite frankly, it is no longer their business about what goes on with either of you, even if the problem itself involves you both.

    You can't seek help from anyone who acts like that.

    What's clear though is that you need to take care of yourself. Your parents have shown they don't really care about helping you. Your sister is not receptive to your reaching out to her. Find communities (such as this one) who understand you. Your priority should be to take care of yourself. Do you have any additional support systems you can lean on for a bit? Do you see a therapist? If not, please consider it.


    Edited to add: I went back and see that you did confirm you are going to therapy.

    But does your therapist know how to help autistic people? Not all therapists will know how to give help to people with autism, so it may be worth trying to find someone who does.
     
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  15. Frostee

    Frostee Well-Known Member

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    I am going to a counsellor at the moment but I have only got 2 sessions left.

    I don’t really know how to use counselling with the little time I get.

    I have a lot of social issues that I need help with. And tbh, without sounding inappropriate a lot of this is down to how other people respond to me or don’t respond to me.
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2019
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  16. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    Ah, a counselor is different than a therapist. Is there anyway you can regularly see a psychologist?

    Is this unusual/new behavior for your family? My family is similar and I stopped interacting with them beyond necessity by time I was sixteen.
     
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  17. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I used to fight frequently with one of my sisters (the closest to age to me) when we were teens into earliest 20's. But we seemed just to grow out of that phase and once we started our own lives soon became good friends and never fought again. She is one of the funniest people I have ever met and very sincere. Looking back I felt that although of course we were quite different we were also very similar deep down inside. I'm HFA (undiagnosed) and she might be. Her one son is diagnosed and the other maybe borderline. I have one son (undiagnosed HFA) and a girl possibly borderline. It definately runs in families. Every family is unique, but I myself tend to treat each as individuals as much as possible and go with what is working and avoid that which does not. If you try and talk about things/problems with someone and it doesn't work, repeated attempts soon after usually don't help. It may be they just aren't ready or at a place to be open to it. It doesn't mean they never will be. Watch and wait, but be aware it can take a long time or perhaps never happen. But there is nothing wrong with maintaining hope it will be worked out eventually.
     
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  18. Frostee

    Frostee Well-Known Member

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    I know you said control but could you give a reason as to why she would be trying to control me?

    Why would she not be trying to have a decent relationship with me, instead?

    I’ve had more of this nonsense over the last week: twice she told me she was going a drive, once she told me she was going a drive & walk (got showered, she said no/laughed, then drove off on a walk leaving me behind after a row erupted). (She knows I have no car, she uses the car to manipulate me)

    I know she does not respect me at all.

    But I just wonder what I have done to deserve this.

    I am her full brother. In a normal world she is supposed to care about me - that means behaving in a manner that is respectful towards me. Yet she seems content with continuing along this hot/cold cycle, calling the shots and wasting my time.

    Her actions hurt me.( Her actions would be appalling to a stranger nevermind her own brother.) and she is not the first - I have attracted many people who manipulate and send mixed signals into my life. I do not know why these people gravitate to me/treat me in this manner.

    But I would hope to put this to a stop and find a way of dealing with this, into the future.

    (Similarly, I just had another guy who was a past acquaintance start up a similar manipulative type cycle with me. A month ago, he told me he wanted nothing to do with me - so I ignored him. Now a month later he has started to “like” several of my posts. But does not message me. I am ignoring him because I know that he wants me to message him, so he can ignore me/talk down to me. I don’t know why this guy keeps doing this if he wants nothing to do with me - I am tired of his mindgames.)
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2019
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  19. Mia

    Mia Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    She is jealous of any advantages she believes you may have, school perhaps being one of them. Siblings think older siblings are usually treated better, have more attention from their parents. It's pure jealousy, it also may be a female and male difference. The mood swings and such might be indicative of something related to hormonal fluctuations.

    What you seem to expect from her as a sibling, may not be anything that she wants. Distance yourself from her for a time. As it's obvious that she's changed. My relationship with my older brother has been good for a very long time. Yet, in our twenties, we had many different concerns that didn't always coalesce into kind interactions at times.

    You'll likely never know what caused that to occur, it may not be anything you did or said. My reaction in this situation, would be to treat her exactly the way she is treating you, show her no respect.
     
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  20. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    In a normal world, siblings care about each other just because they're siblings? :eek:

    Is that true ? :confused:

    And where do we learn about the general rules of the normal world? :eek:
     
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  21. Frostee

    Frostee Well-Known Member

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    Sigh.. Back to this again.

    It pains me the disrespect that my sister affords me.

    She’s back into manipulating mode with me right now. We had a massive blowout row the other night and she will not forgive or accept my apology.

    She promised to take me (as she constantly does) to a local cinema where I was due to meet my mother.

    She went to bed and would not get up.. ignoring multiple calls and shouting. She then roared at me in the car, proceeded to drive down the road irrationally, screaming at me. She dropped me off 0.5 miles from the venue, refusing to drop me off at the store or the front door of the cinema.

    We had another blowout and I threw water at her. She then drove off erratically out of the car park, making a whole scene.

    I apologised the next day.. she would not talk to me. The following day she said she did not want to go anywhere then eventually drove off to a local forest to spite me.

    She has not spoken to me since. She has been ignoring my texts and did not eat the custard cake treat (or thank me) that I bought her today.

    Father got involved and said that she is not manipulating me by refusing to drive me anywhere. That may be partly true. (Father always takes her side)

    She is obviously withholding contact with me because she knows that I do not like conflict and want this resolved.

    I do argue with her.. but she is the person who is set off easily and stubborn to reconciliation.

    I don’t know what her problem is or why she resents me so much. My Aspergers blows this up. I do not know if I am being mistreated/manipulated and I am not sure how to react to her stubbornness.
     
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2019