Not Everyone Will Be Your Friend

[The Penguin]

There have been many times I can hear someone talk about some of the same interest I have. I hope to have a friendship with them. But just having some common interest does not mean it will be an instant friendship. It took me a long time to learn this.

I had many people say to me have interest what a person likes, offer them support and many other things. I learned even if I do this, this does not mean a friendship will work. I could offer someone much support, but it happens many times people will take advantage me and not offer any real friendship in return.

inabox wrote a post Difficulty recognising a friend as a friend | AspiesCentral.com and within the post I wrote my comment on my process how I figure out a person is a friend or not.

What is very important everyone needs to accept you can't be friends with everyone. A person can try, but if the person is not willing to be a friend in return, then it's not a real friendship. Instead, you only a fan of that person.
There are some people is easier to make friends with people compare to others. I'm one of those others. I think the reason why it's harder for me is I have high expectations of a friendship. The key thing with me, I don't connect well with people want to follow the norm. I know everyone does to a degree, including myself, but the higher the person does, the less interesting the person is to me. If a person follows the norm 30% of the time I can except that. But if someone does it 70% or more, they might not be that ideal friend for me. For anyone who read most of my posts, I'm very different and rarely ever follow the norm. I'm not afraid what people think of me based on this.

For wanting a friendship with someone, you need to know first what you want in a friendship and also need to accept there is no guarantee the person you wants to be friend with will be your friend. It might take you longer to find a friend to compare others.

 

[pushpin]

I feel similarly at the moment. I have some friends, but they all live far away from where I currently live (I've moved around a lot and traveled). I'll be living far away from all of them for at least another four years, and I highly doubt that I will move back to the areas where any of them live.

From past experiences and even very recent experiences (for instance, from reading many posts on this forum), I have decided that I will not put in much effort when it comes to making friendships. When I go back to school, I am going to focus on coursework, personal projects, getting to know my professors, things like that. The more I understand what "the norm" is, the more I am repelled by its falseness and unnecessary drama and the more I realize that, even if I weren't repelled by it, I wouldn't fit. It's isolating to even try.

This is not to say that I'm not open to friendships forming. I'm just not going to go out of my way to try to make them happen (inviting people to movies or music shows, for example). For example, at the end of three months, I'd rather have learned a whole bunch of kanji (or insert skill, knowledge, trade here) than feel confused about the true intentions of a "friend". I've seen people pretend to be friends with someone to their face, and the minute that person walks away, they're taking crap about them. It's ridiculous. Plus, the fear around being that unknowing person (which I have been way too many times) is really crippling. It's not worth it to force friendships in any way.

It does suck to see other people move so easily and fluidly among others, developing friendships left and right. My brother is like that. He just connects with people automatically. Even in a doctor's waiting room, he will have the whole room laughing within a few minutes. While I wish I had just a bit of my brother's social abilities, I do recognize that the people he connects with are not the people that I want to know or who would ever want to know me. I'd be too weird in their books, and in general, I appreciate my weirdness (which isn't even that weird at all, I don't think). When I'm away from judgmental people, I really like who I am. So, I guess the point of my long response is to say that I think I will focus on the things that are important to me and be patient enough to find people who appreciate the weirdness of me (I have found a few; they just live far away from me now).

 

[JCPHN]

Dang, both of you just said some things I thought I could have added to, but then I just shut up and realized I just really needed to hear all that. Thank you.

Edit: I want to add that I have an NT friend who has many of the same issues Aspies do, but just sort of has a "smoother" time overcoming them, and actually likes socializing a lot, even though he's mildly introverted. We were talking a few weeks back, and he explained that he thinks a lot of the mechanisms at which NTs make friends and define friendship are based on expectations rather than realities, and are therefore false. I'd have to agree, because people who have a really easy time socializing, are always aware of those expectations because they themselves have them for others, and so they most often don't have a problem trying to respond to them. He describes it as "a necessary evil" of being more well-adjusted, because you have to conceal more of what makes you different, weird, exceptional, or whatever. He went as far as to say, "it's a trap," and I sort of agree, because if you're already having to make that much of an effort to relate to people you think are cool or whatever, the workload is only going to increase as they change and expect you to similarly change.

I've also learned to hold the same philosophy up when I realize a friendship is not what it used to be. If you just chalk it up to differences, it seems so much more natural, and less hurtful, even though you can't quite relate to someone as well as you once could.

 

[Licorice]

Yes, I just wish there was an easy way to tell before getting one's hopes up. Recently I was friends with someone for months online, but that all came to a stop when we actually met.

 

[ThatSkyWing]

I have a really hard time making a friend, it's hard for me to empathize with other people, and hard for me to show interest in their interests. Oftentimes, when I do think I've found one, I soon come to realize that they were just using me, or maybe my friendship expectations were a little too high. I know there are people out there who would be my friend but I just don't think I've found them yet, or maybe I have and just haven't realized it yet. I really don't get out much, and I don't care much what other people think, I mostly like myself, and I'm sure other people would like me and my video game obsession.

You have to like yourself, because if you don't like yourself you can't expect other people to like you, and you need to know what you want in a friendship before you can even try to go out and make a friend or two.

I hope that didn't come off as a bunch of random rambling. ^.^;

 

[Suzanne]

I have high expectations of a friendship. The key thing with me, I don't connect well with people want to follow the norm. I know everyone does to a degree, including myself, but the higher the person does, the less interesting the person is to me. If a person follows the norm 30% of the time I can except that. But if someone does it 70% or more, they might not be that ideal friend for me.

Oh me too!!! I do not gravitate to females who, as you put it, are the norm. The few I do gravitate to, are not aspie's at all, but I would say about 30% or even less! One I particularly get on with is one who shouts in joy and laughs out loud and this: she put her favourite white skirt in to wash and when she took it out, she groaned to see, she had mixed it with something black and so there were streaks and then she had this fabby idea of bleaching the skirt, but oh no, it fell apart, and with deep sadness, had to throw it and it was her reaction, that had me in tears of laughter and when I turned up in something white (quite forgetting) she goes: oh thanks a bunch and we laughed! She loves singing and dancing anddddddd she accepts that I am an aspie!!! She has been asking me questions and really listening. she is about 11 year's younger than me, but because I look very young for my age, and my character is much younger, we look the same age lol

I learned a long time ago what true friendship is all about and only now, am I finding them! What I cannot deal with is one sided, which is to me, not a friend at all!

 

[Warmheart]

In so many new friendships I have made blunders somehow, and the friendship ended, leaving me feeling bewildered and helpless. It seems I am disadvantaged from the start in dealing with people. The few friends I have, I do better around (not always-- still plenty of blunders!) , perhaps because the connection was built over time, and because I can relax a bit more around them.

I've lost count of all the new friendships that ended because of my neurology. I don't reach out much. I'll just do the best I can. I have lots of love and caring in my heart that needs a place to go.

 

[Licorice]

In so many new friendships I have made blunders somehow, and the friendship ended, leaving me feeling bewildered and helpless. It seems I am disadvantaged from the start in dealing with people. The few friends I have, I do better around (not always-- still plenty of blunders!) , perhaps because the connection was built over time, and because I can relax a bit more around them.

I've lost count of all the new friendships that ended because of my neurology. I don't reach out much. I'll just do the best I can. I have lots of love and caring in my heart that needs a place to go.

I feel exactly the same way... that there's nowhere for it to go and no one who wants it, except maybe animals.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

[Q...
You have to like yourself, because if you don't like yourself you can't expect other people to like you, and you need to know what you want in a friendship before you can even try to go out and make a friend or two.]

I don't like myself, so I am perpetually astonished that other people can feel attracted to me as a person or respect me for anything but my professional abilities. I'll never forget poor Betsy M. in 11th grade who said, "I like you, but I don't think you like me very much." I didn't know what to say. I don't think I said anything. I did like Betsy, I just didn't know how to react to her. We drifted apart, and I didn't miss her, but I had liked being in her company.

I've also had people pursue me aggressively, as if I was something to be collected. I think for the other person some of it is the challenge: you [aspergirl4hire] don't like everybody, but I'm going to make you like me, because I'm special.

I can feel that "entitlement" vibe and I freeze at it--it's the only time I exhibit aspishness as a defense. I hear it's like facing the ice Wall in Game of Thrones. From within, it feels like the Panic Room. I'm safe from you, false friend.

 

[JCPHN]

I've also had people pursue me aggressively, as if I was something to be collected. I think for the other person some of it is the challenge: you [aspergirl4hire] don't like everybody, but I'm going to make you like me, because I'm special.

Oh man, have I experienced that. I feel as though a lot of acquaintances and coworkers have projected that mentality onto me over the years. A lot of people assume that their eccentricities will help bring me out of my shell, but they don't realize I'm not just eccentric, I'm neurologically and chemically different. People want to bring me up to a perkier level of socialization, even with insignificant things like telling jokes, and I'm just not on that level.