Not capable of being in a relationship

[Sheogorath]

I have never been in a relationship before. I've had feelings for people and people have had feelings for me; but I either suppress my own feelings or turn people down who show interest in me. And the weird thing is that I do want a relationship, it's just that I see it as this vague romanticised plan for the future. A (probably fictional) future in which I've fixed what's wrong with me and I can commit to someone effortlessly. But now the thought of a relationship frightens me, and I try to stay away from it altogether.

I think there are several problems:

1. I am very emotional an would not be able to cope with a break up. I think this would actually scar me emotionally, which would confirm my anxiety and would damage me more than staying single ever could. It's why I seem to wait until I run into someone that I am absolutely certain about. I take no chances because I think the consequences would be too big.
2. I feel like I am looking at the world from behind a glass window. As if there will forever be a distance between myself and others, and this also stops me from really getting close to anyone.
3. I come with a manual; dating me would probably require the patience of a saint and an iron will. Now, perhaps once I am in my 30s I'll meet this one person that's so crazy about me that he doesn't have a problem with this. But I am 21 and most guys my age don't want too much hassle. They aren't waiting for a person with all these issues, they just want to have fun without too many strings attached. And I don't even think going out with me would be 'normal', so I wouldn't even know how to start.

I don't even know what my question is, or if I have one at all. I just wanted to get this off my chest.

 

[Tyrantus1212]

Hello, Sheogorath. I like the Elder Scrolls reference, I used to play it all the time; I especially loved the Sheogorath Daedric quest. And I too am from Russia but have been living in the US for almost 20 years.

I'm a man almost in my 30's and I've never been in a relationship. I too had some crushes but I've never asked any women out. For a long time I just wasn't interested in being in a relationship. I too feel like I come with a manual, so if I ever do want to be in a relationship I will need to make some hardcore preparations. I'm already reading a book that my psychologist recommended to me about dating an NT woman - it's called "What Men with Asperger Syndrome Want to Know about Women, Dating and Relationships" by Maxine Aston.

Why did he recommend this book? Well, recently I've started to gain some interest in dating. In the past I wasn't even aware of the true purpose of a date and didn't think dates were exclusively romantic. Not that I've ever gone on one. Now I'm more aware of what a date really is and was thinking about going on my first one at some point; my first date ever, which still hasn't happened as I'm typing this out. My father is thinking about introducing me to a woman later this year (she'll be coming from Russia and arriving in the United States around that time) because he doesn't want me to spend the rest of my life alone, and I agreed to give this a shot as long as we take this slow and NOT rush into any serious relationships.

I mentioned all of this to my doc and he thus recommended this book. I myself am unsure as to why I'm suddenly eager to go on my first date, but I get the feeling that the reason is jealousy. Everyone I know is either in a relationship or has been in one previously and it just tears me apart to know that I'm so behind everyone else. I always wanted to be like everyone else and have always envied everyone around me...the fact that they all have so many friends and the fact that they're all in relationships or have been in relationships. Yet all I want at this point is a first date, I'm still not ready to be in a real relationship...yet at the same time it would be nice not to be behind everyone else. I'm just gonna have to see how it goes with the woman my father wants me to meet, but I'm not going to date her if I end up not being interested.

I too am emotional and I worry all the time. I'm not worried about breakups unless they're my fault, but I am worried about the woman hating me (or breaking up with me if it's my fault). I'm still willing to give this a shot, and just see how things go. I can only go out with women who are chill and laid back, because like I said - I too come with a manual. I'm told that this particular woman is like that, actually - and that is exactly the type of woman I'd be seeking if things don't work out with this one. Might get to go on my first date before turning 30!

 

[SusanLR]

I was 24 when I had my first date. I had never really thought about dating before.
The way it finally happened was at work. I was the overseer of a large room of people who worked to putting together a weekly magazine. Basically I checked everyone's work as each person had their own part in the creation.
A new man, age 27, was hired as a proofreader and I paid him no more attention than anyone else. Rock music played in the background constantly as we worked and one night as I was checking his work they played Waiting for a Girl Like You and said it was dedicated to all those who just found the one they were waiting for. He looked at me and said: " I know what they mean." and winked.
Soon he asked me to go to a movie with him. Never cared for movie theatres, but, I agreed to see what it was like. First interest in an emotional sensation of connection. Lasted about a year. Too many differences.
But, that's how it happened for me.

 

[WereBear]

It's like ice skating. You don't know what you are doing at first and you will fall down a lot. And it will hurt.

But it teaches you how to get ready for the doing of it, how to do it right, and how to fall

So there is no waiting around for that "perfect person."

A) they don't exist
B) if you don't know what you are doing it will fail anyway
C) you learn things about what you like that will change what you like

Like, I dated very handsome men... who were also boring in conversation. I found out that even if we are both nice people, this will not work. So I loosened up on my "looks" category and doubled down on my "interesting" category.

Being in a relationship is the art of give and take, on both sides. This takes practice, maturity, and a willingness to know what parts need to be let go and what parts we can't let go of.

If we put in the effort, we can one day glide through life with a partner.

 

[Keigan]

@WereBear ,

Excellent post.

 

[Bella Pines]

I feel like I am looking at the world from behind a glass window

Maybe try it literally, have you ever tried photography? I find that ACTUALLY looking at the world behind glass (lens) helps me make sense of it.

dating me would probably require the patience of a saint

I am very emotional an would not be able to cope with a break up

Preconceptions everywhere. Less common aspie traits are monologues and story telling. It sounds like you have scripted what a relationship is, how it will go and how it will end. Have you also scripted how your partner will look and behave?

I know it is easier said than done, but try to recognize when you are doing this, because if you hold these beliefs strongly enough then you will make them come true. I'm not offering any advice or telling you to do anything, I'm just suggesting you look at the carefully crafted reality that you are busy creating and ask yourself if that is really what you want.

 

[Momo]

I myself have never had a relationship, and likely due to the same problems you are experiencing. But after thinking through my own situation and how I have a tendency to push people away, as I've always thought myself to be unlovable (something I think I learned from my own family life), you may as well put yourself out there and take the chance. Being alone forever is honestly frightening, and after hearing all my childhood about how when you reach thirty you are a "leftover woman" I suppose my bias may be that I put a lot of pressure and importance on marriage and relationships, especially finding a partner before your time runs out. I know how difficult it is to stop pushing people away and to stop thinking of yourself as an impossible partner, but it's better to take the chance and end up scarred from a breakup than to never take the chance and end up eighty alone with no family. To me, there is not a fate more terrifying than that.
You are capable of being in a relationship, just take the chance.