Not a Push-Over Anymore

[2010Dolby]

Hi everyone! I haven't been on in a few weeks because I moved into an apartment so I was super busy and didn't have internet for a while. But it's good to be back!!!

Eh, I'll try to shrink this down a little bit. That ex-girlfriend/ex-fiance I always whined about on here? Yea, she and I went on a date on new years eve. The first time we've talked in about 7 months. The next day she said she didn't really how much she missed me, blah blah blah. This girl is the reason I've been to an alcoholics treatment program twice before. So of course I missed her like crazy too... but shocked beyond belief about how much I don't let her control me anymore. I didn't realize how much I had changed. She was surprised about it, too.

So we get to talking about maybe trying a relationship again. It was looking good but then she said that she plans on moving to (insert city here) with four other boys. I called her on the phone and nicely but firmly said, "If you even want a chance at us trying again then there's no way in hell you're moving in with four guys." Over the next few days she would say things like, "I really dont want to but I have no choice!" or "Why dont you trust me?!"

I took her on another date and this date wasn't forced and awkard at all, it was just like when we were in high school. Loving, fun, relaxed, light-hearted. We were high school sweethearts again, but still not an official couple.

...Then the next day she angrily texted me that she wont be moving in with those guys She's still somewhat grouchy and complaining about me not wanting her to live with those guys, but still not actually doing it.

So do you guys think that she was expecting me to give-in to her wishes and thats why it took her so long to decide on her living situation?
Am I being to harsh?

Lastly, I've been celebrating that this time she and I spent apart has changed me for the better. If we get back together thats great, but if we dont at least this time I'll have my pride and dignity intact after it crashes and burns

 

[epath13]

She seems to be into you, otherwise she probably wouldn't do it. I think you did the right thing, stated your position.
And she probably hasn't expected you to give in but if she wants to be with you, she'll be fine. I don't think it's such a big sacrifice. She's not going to end up on the street, is she? As for the trust... You can look at the situation in many different ways, some people wouldn't care about those things some would, the point is, you do care and you want her to understand that.
Anyway, good job and good luck.

 

[kasmanaft08]

I personally think it is a bit much to ask, to be honest. Particuarly since you just started getting back together. But I also don't think it's my place to judge what's appropriate to get bothered with. If something bothers you, something bothers you, and she should respect or at least understand it if she wants to be with you.

But speaking from my own experience:
I also shared a house with about five guys (and I was the only girl), it really means nothing- sometimes its just the luck of the draw with getting roommates. If she said she didn't want you to come over, I'd be suspicious though. Otherwise, at least in my scenario- I never even considered getting with any of them at any point.

I personally would be bothered though if my boyfriend did that with just one person, or shared a room, or spent the night at a girls place alone. But beyond that, nah. It just depends on the situation, and it depends on who they're with. It helps if I've met the person and can trust the girl in that scenario, too. But to be honest, I also would be weary about being with a significant other can't trust, either. But since I don't know her or the details of your past, I can't really say anything beyond that.

However, I do think if it does bother you - it's good of you to be open about it. A lot of relationships end up horribly because people "tolerate" too much or keep things in. It's good that you don't feel controlled anymore- so congrats on things looking up.

 

[2010Dolby]

epath: If it came down to her being homeless then of course Id let her stay wherever she wanted. Im not thaaaaaaaat harsh lol and thanks for the good wishes!

kasmanaft: I understand what you're saying. I dont think she's a cheater but I know for a fact that she's a major flirt. Everytime I've been with her I've noticed how much she craves male attention. Im not sure if its something that should bother me but it does. Thats combined with my trust issues. Not really jealousy, I just dont trust many people with many things. Thanks for the advice!

 

[kasmanaft08]

kasmanaft: I understand what you're saying. I dont think she's a cheater but I know for a fact that she's a major flirt. Everytime I've been with her I've noticed how much she craves male attention. Im not sure if its something that should bother me but it does. Thats combined with my trust issues. Not really jealousy, I just dont trust many people with many things. Thanks for the advice!

I actually think that flirting is to some extent a "safe" form of cheating. Maybe I'm just a bit old fashioned that way, but it would bother me regardless of the other's intentions with it. I think there's nothing wrong with opposite-sex friendships (or same sex, if you're gay), having roommates or even hanging out by themselves...But that would change a bit if they were constantly flirting with them. I think flirting specifically holds a purpose, and it gets a bit close to a fine line there-even if she thinks its harmless. But mostly, I find it very disrespectful to your partner if you're in a relationship. So in that light, yeah I can see what you mean. Not to make you paranoid

But I guess it depends on how obvious it is. I get jealous over a lot of things (I also can over-analyze quite a bit) so I know that judgement can easily be clouded in situations like that. Sometimes I was totally justified in feeling uncomfortable, sometimes not. I found it's better to just be honest with how you feel and why, instead of just assume or accuse anyone of something. She should be able to respect that, jealousy I think is pretty normal.

My theory is, I also think it's a shade more complicated if you have AS, since you can't pick up body language and social cues as well and have to leave it up to working things out in your head. I often find that I either sound dead on accurate or just paranoid in relationships.