No Identity

[Eggnog]

Sometimes i really get into a bit of a funk. I think about all the conversations i have with people and i feel as though i don’t know my real identity.
Right now i was just thinking of posting a comment on a YouTube video. I usually don’t do this just due to anxiety, but this time I wanted to. As i was writing out my comment i felt as though what i said didn’t represent me.. but I wouldn’t know what to say that would.
I feel as though I’m just always trying to blend into the situation, so i can’t give a response that actually would be the way i want to say it. It’s rather exhausting.

Has anyone else experienced anything similar, and if so is there anything you’ve figured to calm this or make it feel more natural creating a response?

(I’m sorry if this doesn’t make too much sense, my brain is rambling)

 

[AprilR]

I unserstand this. Literally i feel like my whole personality is constructed and i hve gone so far away my real self i no longer feel genuine ever. It helps that whenever i am being myself i am treated like i am too negative whatever that means.

 

[Eggnog]

whenever i am being myself i am treated like i am too negative whatever that means.

Oh my god i can’t agree more, I’ve been told my whole life I’m too negative, look on the bright side, you’re bossy, etc.!!

So I’ve just hidden away more and more :/

 

[AprilR]

I wish i had some advice, but i am also struggling with the same thing. I've hidden away and tried to act like a positive person who doesn't care much about everything and never serious. But i don't like myself that way and it is exhausting. I would rather keep my distance from people who force me to act.

 

[Wolfsage]

I understand. You wear so many masks around people you no longer know who the real you is. Yeah. I've been there. Eventually I found someone I wanted to be like. A better me. Who was happy and liked what he was doing. I'm not that person yet. But one day I will be.

 

[Thinx]

I know what you mean, when we've had to mask a lot it can be hard to work out an identity thats comfortable and feels real. However, I also think all of us, neurotypical or neurodiverse, do end up changing and developing over our lifespan too. And some of it is in order to be more user friendly to others, for sure. But that's not necessarily false or wrong, or some of it isn't.

Remember that a lot of how we first learnt to be, was from parental models, and not all we learned was useful or was our true selves anyway, it was often a lot of how they behaved and we copied. Plus we learn from teachers, relatives, friends etc. And as we get older we try out different identities or behaviours, and try to find what fits, it's particularly hard if we are different to the majority in some ways, as we see no one like us to model ourselves on or feel validated by.

Then the third complication is, we aren't one whole linear person anyway, I think, we're a mix of changeable aspects , roles and personas, everyone is. Some more than others. So there isn't just one me anyway, there's me today, me when I m sad, me when I m bored, me when I m trying to impress my friend, me when I wear my purple shirt and feel cool, etc etc. Me when I don’t know what to think. Me at a time of stress and change, feeling fractured.

Everyone gets feedback, and some of it probably should make us think, so if I am always hearing I'm negative, I m prompted to think why that is? Am I unhappy or unfulfilled? Is the person saying this a person I usually trust, who knows me well? What examples of this do they give? Was my dad/mum/ granny / etc like this? Am I quoting grandad again?

If they say, I find you negative because you don't smile enough or want to party, yes that can easily be due to me being autistic and them being neurotypical. But if it's because not only do I not want to party but when they ask me to one I snap, No of course I don't you fool!, or because I never suggest what I would like, whilst pouring cold water on their plan, then, that seems more about me needing to change some of my ways of interacting and ultimately maybe getting more secure to be who I want to be but without alienating others.

It definitely can be harder for us to work all this through, with processing issues, and ignorance about autism, and with little support and few role models, which is why we're often still feeling blank about areas of ourselves later in life, I think.

 

[Giraffes]

I find it difficult to know who i am and struggle not to feel confined and defined by others views, opinions and judgements of me. From a young age i was always the 'odd one' no friends, difficulties understanding rules in conversation and interaction, very 'black and white' in my thinking and often alone and lonely without understanding why the same situations were troubling and difficult, feeling of value and having personal boundaries is a struggle, i become 'over dependant' and expectant of those i like and have to work very hard to understand others wants and needs, if i feel judged and excluded i become reactive, defensive and want to 'run to the hills' liking/accepting myself has become increasingly challenging post diagnosis and depression and high anxiety have been a regular aspect of my being since i was a teenager, i wish i could reduce my hypersensitive nature and not take others views so to heart, trust me i do try, back on antideppresants after a break of many years and finding my new job soooo tough ATM.

 

[Streetwise]

Sometimes i really get into a bit of a funk. I think about all the conversations i have with people and i feel as though i don’t know my real identity.
Right now i was just thinking of posting a comment on a YouTube video. I usually don’t do this just due to anxiety, but this time I wanted to. As i was writing out my comment i felt as though what i said didn’t represent me.. but I wouldn’t know what to say that would.
I feel as though I’m just always trying to blend into the situation, so i can’t give a response that actually would be the way i want to say it. It’s rather exhausting.

Has anyone else experienced anything similar, and if so is there anything you’ve figured to calm this or make it feel more natural creating a response?

(I’m sorry if this doesn’t make too much sense, my brain is rambling)

If I do an emoji laugh on Facebook I block them immediately as I know how I will react, I comment about a country that is hated for no sensible reason ,I will tell you privately if you want to know the name,I think I will be attacked for very realistic reasons ,I cant describe to the person any part ,I have learning difficulties with my native language English.

 

[Fino]

Yes!

 

[Statest16]

i have never felt much identity either

 

[SusanLR]

I would identify as a free spirit nature's child that always has a little dark cloud overhead or
a moonshadow.

Called pessimistic, I call it realistic.
I always feel those who say cheer up things could be worse or things will be alright as
not being honest with themselves. Like whistling in the grave yard types.
Life cannot always be good. That's factual.

Someone I know has a saying about this and it is odd, but, some truth in it...
" One day as I sat sad and gloomy, a little bird told me to cheer up. Things could be worse."
So, I cheered up and sure enough, things got worse.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Exactly!!!! I feel the same way!!!

 

[Jordy]

Same i honestly just don't know who i am, would be nice of someone just told me everyones in a while

 

[SimonSays]

See, I’m wondering if this idea of who we are, which is really difficult to pin down, is something we are supposed to concern ourselves with.

I know I can be different in different situations, and while I think that it would be easier if there was one version of me it seems that there are more than one, perhaps that’s the issue, not that who I am is not defined well enough, but I’m just more complicated than that.

In the past, just when I feel like I’m getting a handle on consistently being one version of me if you like, something happens where I experience myself responding differently. If I decide something is wrong as if I failed to maintain the version of me I feel most comfortable being, that only makes it worse.

There must be another way to be who we are without being so affected by how different or difficult it is to interact. Sometimes I think instead of trying to know who I am it would be better if I let go of knowing entirely.

 

[Amphilyke]

I don't get this feeling myself, not that I recall anyway, but I'm in a couple of trauma groups on Facebook and this sounds a little bit like descriptions of depersonalization that I have read. I STRONGLY advise you NOT to take my word for it, but if this is concerning for you maybe try reading about it. Might be nothing, but it might be good information to have. Different places it can show up, not just PTSD or C-PTSD. I think sometimes I dissociate, but I'm not sure; I want to run it by a clinician tbh. I want to spend some time recollecting my experiences and maybe jot them down somewhere. It was the worst in the weeks leading up to me getting dumped and the days after. I catch myself not even spacing out like ADHD but more like I'm switched off. Or like I was thinking about something but there's a sudden break that's so total I almost can't remember thinking about anything.