Newbie here...my dad has autism

[fsgirl]

hi to all... just found this site!!! Have been looking for support like this for a long time. I’ve finally figured out my 80 yr old father has autism. That was part of the reason my childhood as a NT child was so difficult. He & my mother were overly strict & controlling of me but my younger brother had more freedom than I was allowed to have.

Does anyone have suggestions on whether or not I should tell him at his age that he is autistic? I know this is bad, but I resent him and how he and Mother treated me. We could never have fun or just play and be kids. We had to do work all the time. I had to be an adult when I was a kid and then when I became an adult I was treated like a child.

There is so much, much more but I don’t want to post too much on my first post. One question though...is it a common trait that people with autism think they are right about everything and are very negative?
Thanks in advance

 

[tree]

 

[Nitro]

Hi fsgirl

 

[Tom]

What you describe in his behavior are traits found in neurotypicals as much if not more, as in autistics. Are you sure you have the right forum?

 

[fsgirl]

Hi Tom. Yes. I think I have the right forum. Dad is definitely autistic. I could write a lot more about him than I did initially. I also have three nephews with autism so I’m pretty familiar with the spectrum. Dad is simply the most difficult to deal with bc of his extreme negativity and belief he is always right. Thx for asking tho.

 

[Pats]

hi to all... just found this site!!! Have been looking for support like this for a long time. I’ve finally figured out my 80 yr old father has autism. That was part of the reason my childhood as a NT child was so difficult. He & my mother were overly strict & controlling of me but my younger brother had more freedom than I was allowed to have.

Does anyone have suggestions on whether or not I should tell him at his age that he is autistic? I know this is bad, but I resent him and how he and Mother treated me. We could never have fun or just play and be kids. We had to do work all the time. I had to be an adult when I was a kid and then when I became an adult I was treated like a child.

There is so much, much more but I don’t want to post too much on my first post. One question though...is it a common trait that people with autism think they are right about everything and are very negative? TIA

Not sure why you are thinking your father has autism and it's not for me to question, but do you think it will change things in any way?
I think everyone - NT and ND resent their parents over some things, but they are who they are just like you are who you are. The younger sibling usually does have it easier for lots of reasons. First baby - follow all doctor's instructions to the tee. Don't let them get dirty and worry about germs on everything. Don't let them do anything that they could get hurt. I could go on and on. Second baby - well, the first one survived getting sick, not as worried about germs. First one survived getting hurt, not so worried about injuries - it's gonna happen attitude. Child number 3 and 4 come along - What the heck - take what you want, I'm tired. LOL
You COULD look at it as they tried harder to make everything the best for you and protect you, whereas your younger sibling was the 'what the heck' child.

 

[Pats]

Hi Tom. Yes. I think I have the right forum. Dad is definitely autistic. I could write a lot more about him than I did initially. I also have three nephews with autism so I’m pretty familiar with the spectrum. Dad is simply the most difficult to deal with bc of his extreme negativity and belief he is always right. Thx for asking tho.

I have people in my life that think they are always right - actually, I think everyone I know thinks they are always right. What I do, is express my opinion, then leave it alone. If my correcting them to what the truth actually is and they still don't agree, it's their problem.

 

[Nervous Rex]

Welcome, @fsgirl. I hope you find what you're looking for here.

Before I answer any of your questions, you should know that these are my answers. They might not be your answers. Individuals are individual.

Does anyone have suggestions on whether or not I should tell him at his age that he is autistic?

Do you think it will help him? My mother is in her mid 70's and I strongly suspect that she is autistic, but I refrained from telling her for a while because I didn't see how it would help her.

I know this is bad, but I resent him and how he and Mother treated me. We could never have fun or just play and be kids. We had to do work all the time. I had to be an adult when I was a kid and then when I became an adult I was treated like a child.

I had a lot of resentments for how much help I didn't get from my NT parents (father and step-mother, not my mother mentioned above). When I look back now, I can see that they had good intentions and did their best, but they simply weren't equipped to help me. I don't blame them any more than I would blame a cloud for blocking my sunlight.

Any increase of my understanding of someone should lead to an increase of my compassion for them. I hope your realization about your father eventually gets you to that point. It doesn't have to be right now - these things take time.

is it a common trait that people with autism think they are right about everything and are very negative? TIA

It's possible, but I can't say how common it is. Another possibility is that the person is always unsure of everything they do. I fall into that category (hence the name I chose for this forum).

Autism is not a personality, and in addition to autism, your father also has his own personality.

I can think of plenty of politicians, TV and radio hosts, and Hollywood types who also think they're always right. You don't have to be autistic to be wrong about something.

 

[Isadoorian]

Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process!

 

[clg114]

Welcome to AutismForums!

 

[Streetwise]

May I ask would you be so conflicted if you were going to give your neuro typical mother a label of neuro typical?

 

[BraidedPony]

I think you want to prove your dad wrong for how he treated you. Don’t tell him because it will come across as unkind and you won’t get what you want and need by telling him.

 

[Autistamatic]

Hi fsgirl and welcome

One question though...is it a common trait that people with autism think they are right about everything and are very negative?

It is not. It is a moderately common negative stereotype but has no foundation. People with autism who have average or above average intelligence are often quite truthful and pragmatic. We will be negative if we see things that way, but on the whole we understand when we are wrong and can accept new information. It is common for us to spend our entire lives seeking new information to help us grow and understand an often hostile world. We can be incredibly introspective and self critical.
The behaviour you describe is not autistic in nature, but simply immature. Your father may be 80, but if he has continued behaving in the manner you describe then it would signal that at an early age he learned that arrogance and negativity got him results and never learned any better. There is a naïve view that to be autistic is to be childish and immature, which is where such unhelpful ideas originate. In truth, we grow up, adapt and learn the errors of hubris, selfishness and arrogance as we mature just as NT people do. There will always be exception though on and off the spectrum.
There is a nasty side to a great deal you will hear about autism borne of outdated ideas, old fashioned attitudes and pure, blind ignorance, which with your experience with your 3 nephews you undoubtedly know already.
Should you tell your father of your suspicions? It depends on your motivations and your wider families internal structure. I have many resentments over my past life but I know if I were to have made such a suggestion at that age, it would have only caused more conflict within the family and would have hurt me more than them.
I can only suggest you weigh up what the consequences might be for you and your family before deciding. Pros and cons. I'm sorry I can't tell you what's for the best.

 

[TheFreeCat]

I would say no. It would serve no benefit at all. He cannot change at this point and won't even believe it. It will just seems like "payback."

However, human nature being what it is, you WILL mention it sooner or later. I'd bet money on it.

 

[TempeFan]

May I ask would you be so conflicted if you were going to give your neuro typical mother a label of neuro typical?

Autism has nothing to do with the situation you described. Seems more like you feel the need to have it out with both of them and clear the air, because the way they chose to raise you caused resentments. I am the same age as you and just within the last year had to come to terms with the abuse from my childhood and whether or not to confront my abuser and the codependent spouse who didn't rescue us from it. If you think, you had it bad, keep reading the recent threads on this forum. A little, or even a lot of, misguided strictness is minor compared to what most of us had to deal with over the last half a century.

I raised myself alone in a hoarder house with actual daily abuse of every kind. My youth was spent trying to please not only my two abusers but also their 4 parents and 2 grandparents, so I am well aware that such bad behavior is passed down from previous generations. Her mother treated her and her brother EXACTLY the same as she treated us, with me being the object of her rage and the boy child the object of her obsession. Her codependent spouse was an only son with 5 sisters, so in that household the girls were favored. It's not their fault they were raised that way but it was their choice to continue the cycle of abuse and neglect. The one about there being 3 sides to every story - his, hers and the truth, is valid. I used my Autistamatic super power to analyse why they are the way they are and what to do about it now from all perspectives and gained a compassionate understanding. I drove 100s of miles to answer their cry for help in cleaning up their cluttered house and their even more cluttered miserable lives. I was attacked, degraded and and abandoned not only by them but by their entire clan, who demanded I fix them and then turned on me for not performing instant miracles. If this couple haven't been willing to face who they are and what they have done by now, they never will. What do you really need or want from them? Whatever it is, you've waited over half a century, why bring it up now? Adding more insult to the injuries you all suffered over the last 8 decades won't help you or them. Your forgiveness may not help them either but it will free you.