Welcome to AC James. I'm fairly new to Asperger's as well, got it diagnosed (not formally) just a couple of months ago. If you have come here to learn about it, you are definitely in the right place. I have been feeling like there's something off about my whole life and it took me almost 30 years to go see someone, instead of sweeping everything under the rug. I went to see one and I got an answer to the big question - "why am I the way I am?"
Personally, I always feel like I'm an odd duck. I have trouble getting along with people and making friends; I've been a lone wolf most of my life. I used to NOT want a big social circle as a kid and only one one (also socially awkward) childhood friend. My social skills are terrible and I often have trouble relating to others. I might say something hurtful without ever meaning to, or I may have trouble formulating what exactly to say because I'm scared of offending someone.
I'm always nervous and anxious. I worry all the time about so many things and am only now starting to manage it with my therapist's help; never been able to manage it on my own. I'm afraid of so many things and get scared/nervous around people who get frustrated with me a lot, and that is a lot of people. I'm pretty difficult to get along with and I'm really not proud of it. I can be very stubborn and immature; I act like a 5-year-old most of the time. My anxieties can really drive people crazy a lot of the time, and so can my immature behavior. I feel like I always push people away because they tend to show their frustration, and it's really not good for my self esteem; it's bad enough as is, and it makes me feel even more lonely than ever.
Being lonely grew very tiresome and I wanted to make friends in college but instead I became a social outcast because I have no idea how to mingle with people not on the spectrum. I drive my parents up the wall crazy and I lost so many potential friend in college. This all had accumulated into pure self-hatred, and it's an extremely unpleasant phenomenon to exhibit. All the accumulated stress I feel (much of it is actually not worth it) drives me into meltdowns, which come in the form of emotional outbursts. I tend to lash out at my parents verbally whenever I'm in a bad mood only to be followed by just drowning in a sea of regret. The tiniest thing can trigger these outbursts and it's not petty. I still hate myself, especially for being such an awful son.
I struggle with common sense and end up doing really silly things because I lack common sense. It made way for some awkward job mistakes and I keep experiencing the fear of getting fired so darn much. Every day is just filled with worries - about the present, the future and regrets about the past. I keep making excuses after I screw up just automatically due to my low self esteem. Every day is a struggle even if nothing bad has actually happened.
I can still be happy though - like when I do things that I love (mostly at the computer) and hang out with the few friends I somehow managed to make. Hanging out with them makes me happy, and I'm hardly ever happy. Yet having friends means worrying about them leaving me, cutting me off...about me pushing them away just like I do with so many around me. No, I cannot let that happen. Another worry coming to mind, I feel like I'm entering depression. Bad communication skills, assumptions, misunderstandings - these things lead into so many awkward situations when it comes to NT's and make me feel like an idiot and a jerk. I always overthink and that leads to even more worrying.
So all this constant worrying, nervousness around people, overthinking, social struggles, awkward mistakes due to lack of common sense, the occasional bad meltdown, as well as trouble controlling my emotions - all leading to more self-hatred and self-doubt - and that's how it feels most of the time for me. But when I'm happy...I'm HAPPY! Yet sooner or later a worry ends up striking and I keep wondering if this happiness is for nothing because something bad will happen due to Murphy's Law. So most days actually do feel burdensome. Unless I'm happy all day, in which case I act all...hyper.
Sorry about the rant; it describes how I individually feel most of my life, but everyone's different. Being a member of AC helped me learn so much! Everyone here is so nice and friendly and they're always willing to help out. I'm also still working with my psychologist to manage it, thus far we mostly covered anxieties (they're horrible, I'm always scared of being right instead of just paranoid) and social behaviors. I feel so at home when I'm here, and I always enjoy giving advice to these lovely folks myself. The same should happen to you too, James.
So how does it feel in your case to live with Asperger's?
