Welcome. I am 53. Married for 33 years. Diagnosed November 2019.
As far as acceptance,...I imagine everyone has their process,...but it may have been HOW it was diagnosed that is the issue.
I sought out help on my own, made the appointment,...then told my wife. For me, it was a relief, and that my whole life now had some answers.
Your husband's situation was different,...marriage counseling. I am guessing, you initiated the counseling session. I am guessing, he was already in a defensive mode. Then, reluctantly, he gets tested and this "mental bomb" dropped on him. In his mind, as he may have interpreted it, he was told "something was wrong" with him,...as a person. It's one thing to have a spouse call you out on your BS,...if it is silly BS,...but quite another level when you're being told, somehow, that "you are defective" as a human being. The passive aggressive behavior may be "just" some underlying anger at how the diagnosis came about.
Keep in mind, when we were kids there was NO such thing as an autism spectrum. We just "masked" our symptoms and went through life not quite understanding why we were socially awkward. When we were kids we had "behavior issues" that usually ended up with some form of punishment. Our parents were clueless. Kids that did have severe autism were in special homes and schools,...we never saw them. Then came Dustin Hofman in The Rainman, then came vaccines that "caused autism",...and a long list of misinformation and false stereotypes. Autism is a "mental illness", or you are "mentally disabled",...more BS. Most folks our age have ZERO idea of what autism is, and/or have these false mental images of what it is. So, having said that, if your husband is in denial of his autism, this may also be a contributor. He hasn't gotten to that point of doing some serious research into the topic in order to understand the science,...and that sometimes, because of his autism, he may actually be superior at performing some tasks and some mental abilities. My autism creates some limitations,...which I am acutely aware of now,...but I also can do some things easily that many others really struggle at.
I had to do hours and hours of studying scientific journal articles and watching scientific lectures on YouTube to understand what autism is, in general,...then had to study up on MY autism to understand myself better. Frankly, I had no idea that I had so many sensory issues that I pushed into the background,...things that I just grew up with and never gave much thought to it. Nobody told me that what I was experiencing was NOT normal.
Why the alcohol? There may be an addiction there. However, he may also be (unknowingly) "self medicating" due to common autistic symptoms,...anxiety and stress. Neurotransmitter imbalances between GABA (inhibitory) and Glutamine (excitatory) can cause anxiety. Cortisol and ACTH hormones are often elevated in autism creating a higher baseline heart rate, higher blood pressure, weight gain, sleep disturbances, and a long list of other health issues. Alcohol, in sufficient amounts relieves this anxiety and stress,...albeit, in a very unhealthy way.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/science-choice/201703/why-do-people-drink
Having said that, we have made a specific point in our marriage to not point out each other's short comings, but rather lean on each other's strengths. Between the two of us, we make one great person.
