New sibling causing constant meltdowns

[boymom247]

Hi, I'm new here. I joined specifically to ask this question and really hope someone can help...
My 3yo soon is autistic (awaiting diagnosis) and non verbal. I recently had a baby (now 1 month old) and every single time the baby cries, peeps, coughs, hiccups, coos, anything at all... My toddler cries, and if I don't take the baby out of sight and get him quiet, my son has a full on meltdown. I am exposing them to each other little by little in hopes that they'll get used to each other, but have seen practically no progress... Any ideas!? I'm exhausted.

 

[Outdated]

You could try asking Master 3 if he'd like to help you with the baby and try to involve him more, although I'm not sure that would be easy at first. Try to help him bond with the baby.

You son might also have the same issue I do, where some very high pitched sounds cause severe pain. Baby's squeals are within that range. Your son might suffer the same pain, and then associate everything about the baby with that pain.

Just to clarify, the pain those sounds cause me is horrendous, it's not a matter of feeling discomfort, it seriously hurts. I got hit by a car when I was 14 and suffered spinal damage, the pain inside my head from a high pitched sound is far worse than crushed nerves.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Given the varied situations you've described, it doesn't appear to be a sensory issue. I think we can rule that out. When I say this, if your 3yo only had a meltdown when the baby cried, for example, then I might suggest a sensory issue. More likely, there may be some jealousy issues, after all, the baby makes a noise and then your 3yo is basically training you to remove the baby from sight and give him attention, not the baby. What seems like a meltdown, might actually be a tantrum, as he might be getting something from the interaction. As I am writing this, I am sort of chuckling under my breath at the genius behind it. I know this isn't helping, but I've worked at one of the largest children's hospitals in the US for over 35 years, and plenty of autistic children and their parents, so that's my take on the situation from what you've posted.

 

[GrownupGirl]

Even NT toddlers cannot stand having a new infant in their home, toddlers are extremely selfish and self-centered with no moral conscience, and having a new sibling that takes all the attention away from them can even make them murderous. But to an autistic toddler it's basically like you've brought home a literal demon that makes horrible smells and sounds that cause literal pain. And it doesn't end as the toddler gets older. Instead they have to force themselves to mask their suffering, even when they become adults. At least when you're an adult you can wear headphones or listen to music to block out the hellish sounds coming from the infant. Sorry I can't help.

 

[boymom247]

You could try asking Master 3 if he'd like to help you with the baby and try to involve him more, although I'm not sure that would be easy at first. Try to help him bond with the baby.

You son might also have the same issue I do, where some very high pitched sounds cause severe pain. Baby's squeals are within that range. Your son might suffer the same pain, and then associate everything about the baby with that pain.

Just to clarify, the pain those sounds cause me is horrendous, it's not a matter of feeling discomfort, it seriously hurts. I got hit by a car when I was 14 and suffered spinal damage, the pain inside my head from a high pitched sound is far worse than crushed nerves.

Im so sorry you have to deal with that, and hope that's not the case for my son, but I wouldn't know because he is non verbal, so asking him to help with the baby would probably be as great idea but he doesn't respond at all to me when I talk to him. I know he understands way more than it seems, but I don't know what it how much he understands, as he can't tell me yet. Communication would (I think) make this much easier. Without it, I'm at a loss..

 

[boymom247]

Given the varied situations you've described, it doesn't appear to be a sensory issue. I think we can rule that out. When I say this, if your 3yo only had a meltdown when the baby cried, for example, then I might suggest a sensory issue. More likely, there may be some jealousy issues, after all, the baby makes a noise and then your 3yo is basically training you to remove the baby from sight and give him attention, not the baby. What seems like a meltdown, might actually be a tantrum, as he might be getting something from the interaction. As I am writing this, I am sort of chuckling under my breath at the genius behind it. I know this isn't helping, but I've worked at one of the largest children's hospitals in the US for over 35 years, and plenty of autistic children and their parents, so that's my take on the situation from what you've posted.

I agree, although when I told his OT, he insisted it was because he didn't know what to make of a new little human, rather then a jealousy issue so that threw me off. Thank you for confirming what I suspected... Any ideas on how to deal with this? Should I endure the tantrums until they eventually subside?

 

[boymom247]

Even NT toddlers cannot stand having a new infant in their home, toddlers are extremely selfish and self-centered with no moral conscience, and having a new sibling that takes all the attention away from them can even make them murderous. But to an autistic toddler it's basically like you've brought home a literal demon that makes horrible smells and sounds that cause literal pain. And it doesn't end as the toddler gets older. Instead they have to force themselves to mask their suffering, even when they become adults. At least when you're an adult you can wear headphones or listen to music to block out the hellish sounds coming from the infant. Sorry I can't help.

Everything helps. It sounds like you speak from experience? If I have a little insight, that's more than I had before so thank you.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I agree, although when I told his OT, he insisted it was because he didn't know what to make of a new little human, rather then a jealousy issue so that threw me off. Thank you for confirming what I suspected... Any ideas on how to deal with this? Should I endure the tantrums until they eventually subside?

Adults without children would give you advice like "Well, don't reward manipulative behavior by giving him the attention he wants." Reality: 3 year olds have a LOT more stamina than their parents when it comes to crying and pitching a fit. If you ignore the behavior, it will amplify. How long do I let him have his temper tantrum? How long will it take for him to calm himself down? Should I give him short "time outs", or should I distract him? Obviously, the goal here is some form of acceptance and self-regulation. If you don't give him an opportunity to self-regulate, then he will never obtain these skills, and then you will have a MONSTER on your hands.

Kidding of course.

 

[chels0722]

I am a little in the same boat as you mama. Besides my kids are 14 years apart! My daughter is on the spectrum and I had my son a little over 16 months ago. At first the different noises from having a baby took sometime for her to get used to, she still isn't a huge fan of crying, but is learning how to cope with it. I do believe jealousy is a big thing, and something I just realized myself. She has never expressed any sort of jealousy towards her baby brother that I have ever seen. But I think she is having different feelings and emotions during this huge change in our house and its feelings she has never felt before and is unsure of what these "big" feelings are. I always let her know it's okay to have feelings and emotions and express ourselves. But it's the way we go about expressing those feelings and emotions. Which is something we are currently working on. Have you looked into any kind of books, or videos for kids on the spectrum and new siblings? There is so much out there nowadays you may be able to find something. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you. Which it will, with time and different coping skills, etc. Your little guy and new baby will be best friends one day!

 

[boymom247]

Adults without children would give you advice like "Well, don't reward manipulative behavior by giving him the attention he wants." Reality: 3 year olds have a LOT more stamina than their parents when it comes to crying and pitching a fit. If you ignore the behavior, it will amplify. How long do I let him have his temper tantrum? How long will it take for him to calm himself down? Should I give him short "time outs", or should I distract him? Obviously, the goal here is some form of acceptance and self-regulation. If you don't give him an opportunity to self-regulate, then he will never obtain these skills, and then you will have a MONSTER on your hands.

Kidding of course.

Oh the woes of parenthood huh!? Lol I think you could very well be right, I guess I just wanted to be sure that I'm not subjecting my boy to any unnecessary distress, especially since he is non verbal and unable to tell me if there is a sensory overload going on, or if it's purely a fit.
Since this post, I have begun to deal with the situation as a fit rather than a meltdown, and although it's not changed his reaction, my personal stress level has gone down quite a bit.. so thank you.

 

[boymom247]

I am a little in the same boat as you mama. Besides my kids are 14 years apart! My daughter is on the spectrum and I had my son a little over 16 months ago. At first the different noises from having a baby took sometime for her to get used to, she still isn't a huge fan of crying, but is learning how to cope with it. I do believe jealousy is a big thing, and something I just realized myself. She has never expressed any sort of jealousy towards her baby brother that I have ever seen. But I think she is having different feelings and emotions during this huge change in our house and its feelings she has never felt before and is unsure of what these "big" feelings are. I always let her know it's okay to have feelings and emotions and express ourselves. But it's the way we go about expressing those feelings and emotions. Which is something we are currently working on. Have you looked into any kind of books, or videos for kids on the spectrum and new siblings? There is so much out there nowadays you may be able to find something. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you. Which it will, with time and different coping skills, etc. Your little guy and new baby will be best friends one day!

My husband and I have considered the feelings aspect of it being the greatest source of stress for him as well, rather than a sensory issue, which is what we originally thought. That and the drastic change in our lives and routine! That is definitely part of it! I have not looked into books or videos but that's a great idea, I will do that!! I know this too shall pass, that has become somewhat of a mantra for me lately, and it really does help. Thank you for the well wishes and I hope your kiddos adjust soon too!!