Amber123
Active Member
Hi, my name is Amber. I'm 26 years old. I have recently realised I have Asperger's. I have always felt different, not often playing with others as a child and not needing or wanting to be involved with people socially. I always played with my teddybear, and to this day teddies are still a huge part of my life. I don't think I need a diagnosis, I feel I've achieved alot already on my own, and knowing about this has just helped me accept and understand myself further.
I have always felt there was something wrong with me and often tried to figure it out myself, my mother told me to stop being a hypocondriac, and that there was nothing wrong with me. I still felt strange and found some "simple" tasks often confusing or difficult. For a time I was depressed. I knew I was an unhappy and confused child in an unloving family. A child on the spectrum should receive the same, and if necessary more than the normal requirement of support and love from their family. As a child I received little and some would record this as emotional neglect by my parents. I am not angry at my parents, both have their own issues from how they were raised, and I've acknowledged that and will stop the cycle with me. As a child and teen, I felt alone and confused, often lashing out in anger and frustration, crying or retreating into myself, then realising my overreaction and feeling guilty afterward, the shame and disappointment I felt from my family was enough to turn me into a "grey blob" as I often referred to, for neutral emotion, not caring, not feeling often had a better result than trying to make sense of situations. I became an adult, living by myself, relying on myself and learning how to cope with no support from family and no friends, I had already identified I was an unloved child by my parents particularly my mother and bullied at school as a child, and so I grew up anxious and depressed.
Throughout the last 9 years outside of school, I have identified and worked through those previously identified issues, completed a degree, moved out of home, travelled overseas a few times, bought and paid off a car and gotten married to my best friend. I can't say I'm cured. But I definitely identify myself with having Asperger's. I often still retreat back into my shell, and go months without seeing friends. I find email, texting and Facebook is enough for other people and it really isn't hard to pretend you're busy or interested in their lives if you add a few emojis and exclamation marks.
Whilst I'm happy with the progress I've made, I still feel really odd and stuck in some situations. I often can't make a decision, I struggle handling my emotions when I'm tired, hungry or am in a mood, I say the silliest things and laugh at inappropriate times, I take most things literally, and I don't know how to end a conversation and will often not know when to leave a gathering.
I have looked up Asperger's and autism spectrum gatherings in my area, but I don't think I'm ready to go to one. I don't think I'm at the same level. I don't see myself as being disabled and I certainly don't like the label of autistic. I don't like how that label makes me feel. I was raised believing that there was nothing wrong with me, but also raised to think autism was a handicap and required assistance. I see myself as just thinking about different things and thinking a different way to the norm. I don't see this as a handicap or disability, I see it as an extra perk or special ability like when you pick a certain class of character in a game. And obviously when you overpower a certain area, another area becomes weaker, lucky for me it's an area of existence that doesn't matter too much, social interaction.
I've only told my husband and my longest friend about this. My friend actually thought I already knew, she went to the same highschool as me and has seen me grow up and mature. She thought I knew, but it was honestly a bit of a shock to me when she mentioned it. I was in denial for a long time. But she said it was obvious that I was on the spectrum. I felt so embarrassed, that it was so obvious, and I didn't even know. I don't think I want anyone else to know. I think if I became closer with someone else maybe they would already guess. I just always thought I was different, but never disabled.
Having my husband's unconditional love and support and that of my longest friend who already knew, plus multiple teddies is all I need, and I'm happy only having that. Given my family is unsupportive regardless of what I do, I've become accustomed to being grateful for any love and attention/affection I receive.
I have always felt there was something wrong with me and often tried to figure it out myself, my mother told me to stop being a hypocondriac, and that there was nothing wrong with me. I still felt strange and found some "simple" tasks often confusing or difficult. For a time I was depressed. I knew I was an unhappy and confused child in an unloving family. A child on the spectrum should receive the same, and if necessary more than the normal requirement of support and love from their family. As a child I received little and some would record this as emotional neglect by my parents. I am not angry at my parents, both have their own issues from how they were raised, and I've acknowledged that and will stop the cycle with me. As a child and teen, I felt alone and confused, often lashing out in anger and frustration, crying or retreating into myself, then realising my overreaction and feeling guilty afterward, the shame and disappointment I felt from my family was enough to turn me into a "grey blob" as I often referred to, for neutral emotion, not caring, not feeling often had a better result than trying to make sense of situations. I became an adult, living by myself, relying on myself and learning how to cope with no support from family and no friends, I had already identified I was an unloved child by my parents particularly my mother and bullied at school as a child, and so I grew up anxious and depressed.
Throughout the last 9 years outside of school, I have identified and worked through those previously identified issues, completed a degree, moved out of home, travelled overseas a few times, bought and paid off a car and gotten married to my best friend. I can't say I'm cured. But I definitely identify myself with having Asperger's. I often still retreat back into my shell, and go months without seeing friends. I find email, texting and Facebook is enough for other people and it really isn't hard to pretend you're busy or interested in their lives if you add a few emojis and exclamation marks.
Whilst I'm happy with the progress I've made, I still feel really odd and stuck in some situations. I often can't make a decision, I struggle handling my emotions when I'm tired, hungry or am in a mood, I say the silliest things and laugh at inappropriate times, I take most things literally, and I don't know how to end a conversation and will often not know when to leave a gathering.
I have looked up Asperger's and autism spectrum gatherings in my area, but I don't think I'm ready to go to one. I don't think I'm at the same level. I don't see myself as being disabled and I certainly don't like the label of autistic. I don't like how that label makes me feel. I was raised believing that there was nothing wrong with me, but also raised to think autism was a handicap and required assistance. I see myself as just thinking about different things and thinking a different way to the norm. I don't see this as a handicap or disability, I see it as an extra perk or special ability like when you pick a certain class of character in a game. And obviously when you overpower a certain area, another area becomes weaker, lucky for me it's an area of existence that doesn't matter too much, social interaction.
I've only told my husband and my longest friend about this. My friend actually thought I already knew, she went to the same highschool as me and has seen me grow up and mature. She thought I knew, but it was honestly a bit of a shock to me when she mentioned it. I was in denial for a long time. But she said it was obvious that I was on the spectrum. I felt so embarrassed, that it was so obvious, and I didn't even know. I don't think I want anyone else to know. I think if I became closer with someone else maybe they would already guess. I just always thought I was different, but never disabled.
Having my husband's unconditional love and support and that of my longest friend who already knew, plus multiple teddies is all I need, and I'm happy only having that. Given my family is unsupportive regardless of what I do, I've become accustomed to being grateful for any love and attention/affection I receive.
