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New friends and my naive approach

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by Mars26, Dec 29, 2019.

  1. Mars26

    Mars26 21 years old aspie

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    I started College this fall and I found a lot of new friends there. It was nice at beginning but later was getting harder. My parents always kept telling me that when someone do something not nice to me and later is again nice it's means that they regret but they aren't brave enough to admit they were wrong. I'm telling this because this is that naive approach I want to talk about. Many people in College used me or weren't nice to me at some point but I have one particular friend that crossed the line. Like others she uses me to borrow my notes from classes or to do project with me (but she's didn't help with it at all) and I was seeing that she don't want to spend time with me off campus. But now I heard that she was telling other people that she don't like me or her other friend from other class. From beginning I known that something was off but I don't understand neurotypical people so I listened to my parents advice and now I realised that I was right all along. I shouldn't worry about social rules. When someone is nice to you be nice to them only then when they proved it. I know it is hursh but I'm done with pretending that this mean people are nice because they are polite. What you think I should have done with it?
     
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  2. GadAbout

    GadAbout Well-Known Member

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    Sharing notes or being partners on a project are very similar to what you might do in a workplace situation. In other words, think of these people as "colleagues" rather than as "friends." Just as you would not want to make a powerful enemy at a job, don't build negativity among your student colleagues.

    Friends are people who want to spend time with you outside of your primary occupational activity. Don't assume someone is a friend just because they borrow your notes.
     
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  3. Mars26

    Mars26 21 years old aspie

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    I didn't assume that. We spent time together off campus but now I see that it isn't because she wants to. I forget to add that in January we have exam and I saw on her Instagram that she has notes prepared to study but when I asked her about them she said no because she worked hard to make them and she doesn't think it's fair that I copy her notes, but when she borrowed stuff for art classes because she always comes unprepared or when I gave her notes or when I created our project alone she thinks thats fair.
     
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  4. Mars26

    Mars26 21 years old aspie

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    @GadAbout, That's the problem she was the one who said how great friends we are.
     
  5. Mars26

    Mars26 21 years old aspie

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    Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to be mean to people who haven't proved themselves. Because I known that everyone have bad day or was annoyed at some point but I'm stops explain people to myself.
     
  6. VAW

    VAW Well-Known Member

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    You really cannot tell how someone is right away. I always give everyone the benefit of the doubt but after she told me that she wouldn't share her notes with me and I had shared mine with her.... well I would tell her no now too. There are always givers and takers.... If it didn't bother me then I just would have a casual relationship, if it did bother me because there is a difference between helping someone and being used I would just not really talk to her anymore or just be civil.
    My uncle was pretty much a loner in college, he sat by himself until one day a guy came up to him and started talking and just wanted someone to hang out with... they started doing a lot of things together and hung out with a small group, they all had each other's backs and remained friends till my uncle's death a year ago. Those are the kind of people who remains friends forever and helps YOU. They are the ones who you spend your time with and help each other. These other people I call users are just people taking up space. I am always friendly but I don't give any more to them. You are a good looking guy, I am sure you will find some REAL friends who have your back as well. Street people can pick out their target, they know who they can use... Like I said I am always friendly with everyone, even people I don't really like but I won't spend any of my time on them especially not after they proved to be a user.
     
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  7. Mars26

    Mars26 21 years old aspie

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    @VAW, thank you and sorry about your uncle.
     
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  8. Perry

    Perry Yensid

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    @Mars26 you know you always have this site, these people, the forums and the chat to get through the rough patches. I can relate to all that you have shared and ... at times its just irritating circumstances or environments. Can be = UGH (lol).

    Try to use us autistics as a continues outlet, or just me. Only cause there are moments autistics can relate to that NEURO's can't plain and simple. BUT try not to let them take advantage of you.
     
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  9. VAW

    VAW Well-Known Member

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    Thank you Mars26, Yes he was a hard one to lose, I miss him almost every day!
     
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  10. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Part of building friendships is taking risks or choosing to engage more depending on other things.

    I think in this situation, it's okay for you to actually tell her 1-1 that you don't appreciate that you let her borrow your notes and that she won't do the same back for you. Also ask her not to contact you anymore unless she will meet you at your convenience and show you respect. (Don't tell her that respect is that she apologizes to you. Let her do that on her own. If she actually asks you how to respect her, tell her that she knows. If she really doesn't know, she will find a way to truly express that she really doesn't know and you will know and then you can build from there.) Go by context, but you can assume for now this is definitely not a friend. Just don't let her walk all over you and show her that she can slight you badly, but that you won't continue to accept BS.
     
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  11. Rasputin

    Rasputin ASD / Aspie V.I.P Member

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    The vast majority of people you will encounter in school or work are looking to exploit whatever opportunity they see to gain an advantage over their colleagues. You allowed yourself to be taken advantage of, and should try to learn from this experience. If you let people know you felt used, you will appear weak and socially awkward.

    Maintain social distance from everyone until they earn your trust. Be courteous / polite, without putting yourself at risk. Once trust has been betrayed, be wary of trusting that person again.

    If you want to make friends, look for someone with similar interests to form a basis for friendship. Do things that you like, and make friends with people who like to do the same things. Also look for ways to make yourself more attractive to girls, maybe subtle wardrobe changes or a haircut change.
     
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  12. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I think it's okay to not maintain social distance all the time, but that's where the risk comes in. No matter how careful you try to be, no one can predict for sure how things will turn out. In this case, it would've been rude to have not handed one notes when one asked as it's more than polite to do so.

    If you aren't sure what to do for a particular situation or if it's a risk you don't want to take, then maintain social distance. In general, a good rule, but try to go by context as much as possible too.
     
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  13. BlueSky Aozora

    BlueSky Aozora Well-Known Member

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    Those are some scum students.. you better find hardworking people who do their part in a group project.

    Otherwise they will always use you in group projects.. not nice. Dont let them copy your assignments or projects, some lecturers will give zero marks to both the copier and copied. Notes are still ok maybe, but it is frustrating.

    And you just start college. I would not want you to entertain those kind of students until the end of your study.. those kind of students usually always try to find people who they can leech on until forever.. you dont want to be stuck with that kind of people.

    Is there nobody who is hardworking around you?