Never dated

[LostInSilentHill]

Hello,

I'm 28 and have never dated or been in a relationship. People call me Asexual but I don't know if that is right.

I want to date but I have never met anyone that I have had any romantic or intimate attraction to. I have never had a crush or imagined kissing a person.

I think it would be nice to have someone to kiss and hug as well as maybe adult stuff too, but I just don't seem to be moving any closer to any of that. I am not sure how to even start honestly. Going on dates (I've been on 2) have always been very awkward and I feel super uncomfortable.

Any tips?

 

[grommet]

I do not know how to help but I have some things to say. I do not think you are asexual because you say that you think you would like to be with someone and maybe even do adult things. I thought it was funny you called it stuff because that's exactly what me and my gf call it. We ask if the other wants to do stuff.

When I was young (I am 48 now) I had so many questions for myself on how to act on a date. One day I met someone I liked very much and they liked me and I didn't have to do anything because I already liked what we were doing so I didn't need to think about it. This was significant to me because I had been on what felt like a lot of dates over the years and I was always so uncomfortable and worked so hard trying to plan every moment. I started to think that if you liked somebody then you didn't have to figure all those things out. It was just nice being with them.

I wish so much I had advice for you on getting dates but I was terrible at it myself. I am not sure I really had more than two or three in my life. The people I dated .. it was more like we met somehow and saw each other again and that kept up and it was a relationship.

If I can, I would like to say please don't be with somebody you don't like. I don't know if it's aspie and I do not mean to offend anyone, but I wonder if those of us who are awkward with dating and feel so uncomfortable while doing it, seem to think it must always feel uncomfortable so, we start thinking spending time with someone on an official date is the point of dating. I don't know if that made sense. What I mean is I wonder if some of us forget that the point is to meet someone we feel happy around.

I am easy to fool socially. I am literal and think other people are. This can be dangerous for us.

But to think of much happier things, when you meet someone you like and you want to be around them, things seem to figure themselves out. Suddenly you don't have to plan everything or wonder what you will say. You already have something to say or not say. Quiet is nice too.

For me the biggest problem in relationships has been communication. I always think the other person knows what I know and sees things the way I do so, if they do something I wouldn't, I think they are wrong. I had to learn that other people have their own minds and think their own thoughts.

I think the best thing, if you want to date and you seem to be saying that you might, is to wait and when you meet someone you like being around, spend more time with them. It's really nice. It's also less complicated that way. Arranging formal dates, I do not know, maybe it already means the two of you aren't fitting so well. But that might not be true. People are all different and the formality of a proper date with a time and place might be very nice for some people.

If you are able to meet a person you like and you feel like you want to see them again, my advice is to be careful and not spend time alone together until you have seen each other a few times and it seems you are getting to know each other. Also, you do not have to do anything you feel uncomfortable doing and, this part I think is important, if you like doing something in a certain way, it's okay. Some people do not like holding hands but very much enjoy the pressure of leaning up against somebody else. It's whatever makes you happy and it is okay if the other person does not understand but they should never make fun of you for it. I would say that is a sign you should not be around them.

I hope something I am saying is helping but if not please keep talking about your thoughts on dating. Maybe someone else will say something better.

 

[grommet]

I just found out about this new movie, "Jane Wants a Boyfriend". It seems to be about a young woman with Aspergers who has not dated and is trying it for the first time. I related to one thing the actress said in the clip about movies, that the things they show about dating must be true or they wouldn't make movies about them. That misunderstand about the fiction of movies has given me trouble all my life and many times people have explained to me that things in movies aren't like real life. It still confuses me though I intellectually understand it, another part of me tends to believe what I see. Actors fool me all the time.

I do not know what you will think of the clip but I thought it might be of interest to you.

 

[Rayner]

Mutual friends might be a good starting point to find someone. I also find going on dates awkward it solve that I find the less formal the date the less awkward it is for me at least.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

For me the biggest problem in relationships has been communication. I always think the other person knows what I know and sees things the way I do so, if they do something I wouldn't, I think they are wrong. I had to learn that other people have their own minds and think their own thoughts.

Wow, your just like me on that one, exactly. Are you too afraid or uncomfortable telling others that 'you' think they are wrong (irrespective of whether they actually are or are not)?

I do not know what you will think of the clip but I thought it might be of interest to you.

Wow, that actually looks really interesting.

I'm 28 and have never dated or been in a relationship.

I don't doubt you, but I still find that hard to beleive. I actually thought this was gonna be another guy posting the same horribly tragic story, so it's kinda refreshing (though suprising) to see a girl instead in this position. As I understand it, most women typically have the issue not of having enough guys to choose from (and I'm sure you've probably had a few or more) but simply finding ones who want you for 'you' as much as for any other additional reason. It may be a case of trying the right kind of online dating sites (paid rather than free, aspie rather than general) or that you need to be introduced to them face to face. If you have a group of friends then they're always a surefire bet for being of help whether it's taking you out to a place to meet guys and being your wing-gals (so to speak) or hooking you up with a like minded guy they may know. How much experience do you have with other guys on the spectrum? You've been looking in the wrong places or just not tried hard enough perhaps. How are your socialising skills by the way or are you really shy etc?

 

[LostInSilentHill]

I don't doubt you, but I still find that hard to beleive. I actually thought this was gonna be another guy posting the same horribly tragic story, so it's kinda refreshing (though suprising) to see a girl instead in this position. As I understand it, most women typically have the issue not of having enough guys to choose from (and I'm sure you've probably had a few or more) but simply finding ones who want you for 'you' as much as for any other additional reason. It may be a case of trying the right kind of online dating sites (paid rather than free, aspie rather than general) or that you need to be introduced to them face to face. If you have a group of friends then they're always a surefire bet for being of help whether it's taking you out to a place to meet guys and being your wing-gals (so to speak) or hooking you up with a like minded guy they may know. How much experience do you have with other guys on the spectrum? You've been looking in the wrong places or just not tried hard enough perhaps. How are your socialising skills by the way or are you really shy etc?

My socialising skills are horrendous and I am very shy around new people. I have never had a friend who was on the spectrum so I have only ever dealt with NT's. My best friend helps me when I say the wrong thing (usually inappropriate) but most people either don't like me or are discouraged by my personality.

Also, I can never tell if someone is flirting with me or interested in any way until someone tells me later and I'm like

 

[Ronin82]

I really feel for you. I'm kind of in the same boat. I'm 33 and have really only been on a handful of dates with guys I met online. Only one guy really went into the "dating" category, but that only lasted about a month before he friend-zoned me. I just don't seem to be capable of connecting to anyone on a level deeper than "client" or maybe even "friend". I don't even know HOW to behave as a dating individual! I've almost given up hope for a significant other, and am concentrating on just making new friends and learning to accept myself as I am, without putting on masks for people. I'm learning to be honest about myself and my personality. It's more work than I thought! But hopefully, this work will make me a little more receptive to a deeper relationship than one I've experienced so far. Good luck to you!

 

[eonbus]

Hello,

I'm 28 and have never dated or been in a relationship. People call me Asexual but I don't know if that is right.

I want to date but I have never met anyone that I have had any romantic or intimate attraction to. I have never had a crush or imagined kissing a person.

I think it would be nice to have someone to kiss and hug as well as maybe adult stuff too, but I just don't seem to be moving any closer to any of that. I am not sure how to even start honestly. Going on dates (I've been on 2) have always been very awkward and I feel super uncomfortable.

Any tips?

hi ill let you know i am happy to help you.
you can talk to me and see how i am. i am very experienced in emotional relationships. let me know if interested.

 

[Mr Allen]

Heck, I'm 40 next week and in the same Boat, never had a serious relationship at all.

 

[Kirsty]

My socialising skills are horrendous and I am very shy around new people. I have never had a friend who was on the spectrum so I have only ever dealt with NT's. My best friend helps me when I say the wrong thing (usually inappropriate) but most people either don't like me or are discouraged by my personality.

Same as me. I come across as smiley and not too shy, but I struggle to start or hold a conversation with new people. With folk I know, I'm more relaxed, but they keep the conversation going and I'm happy to just sit and listen in. Being out in the big world alone meeting others is a big effort for me and when I arrive I usually let myself down because my social skills are poor. The pregnant pause thing always makes me feel clammed up or uptight internally. I've always been around NTs too.

 

[Jonathan Lees]

I'm just 20, I've only recently (last 9 months) been trying to date and I've had a couple of dates (which have been nerve-wracking but surprisingly successful) and a single albeit brief relationship. Despite the odd dates I've had going well I've never been interested enough for a second, my only relationship didn't start with dating but from common interests. I wouldn't rush, it's better to have few good relationships over lots of bad ones, developing relationships from friendships is also a really good way to go.

 

[popculturegeeknerd06]

I really feel for you. I'm kind of in the same boat. I'm 33 and have really only been on a handful of dates with guys I met online. Only one guy really went into the "dating" category, but that only lasted about a month before he friend-zoned me. I just don't seem to be capable of connecting to anyone on a level deeper than "client" or maybe even "friend". I don't even know HOW to behave as a dating individual! I've almost given up hope for a significant other, and am concentrating on just making new friends and learning to accept myself as I am, without putting on masks for people. I'm learning to be honest about myself and my personality. It's more work than I thought! But hopefully, this work will make me a little more receptive to a deeper relationship than one I've experienced so far. Good luck to you!

i'm very sorry, i can sort of relate, so you have been single your whole life as well?

 

[Ronin82]

i'm very sorry, i can sort of relate, so you have been single your whole life as well?

There was one guy, I knew him from childhood, but as an adult we talked online for 5 years, then I went and spent a month with him for Christams. He killed himself New Years Eve, after I came home from that month. That was 2 years ago. Still miss him sometimes...

To answer your question, aside from this man (who I nearly married, and consider the only one who ever really cared about me), yes I have been single my whole life.

 

[popculturegeeknerd06]

There was one guy, I knew him from childhood, but as an adult we talked online for 5 years, then I went and spent a month with him for Christams. He killed himself New Years Eve, after I came home from that month. That was 2 years ago. Still miss him sometimes...

To answer your question, aside from this man (who I nearly married, and consider the only one who ever really cared about me), yes I have been single my whole life.

so was that guy officially your boyfriend? and you met him for the first time in your early 30s?

 

[Ronin82]

so was that guy officially your boyfriend? and you met him for the first time in your early 30s?

Yes. My one and only real boyfriend.