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Neurotypical wife here with aspergers husband
- Thread starter james89
- Start date
Orange Glasses
Well-Known Member
The more you research Asperger’s/ASD1, the more tools you will have to improve your marriage. I would firstly purchase Dr Tony Attwood’s ‘The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome’. This book is packed full of useful information on Asperger’s and has been immensely helpful to me.
https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Gui...=&sprefix=dr+tony+attwood+book,aps,133&sr=8-3
Secondly, I would recommend getting involved with a Zoom group moderated by a no nonsense psychologist like Kathy Marshack. Dr Marshack’s husband has Asperger’s/ASD1 and she is well versed in helping partners learn how to best communicate with those with ASD1. The link below will bring you to her webpage where you will find more information about joining her Zoom group.
https://kmarshack.com/
https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Gui...=&sprefix=dr+tony+attwood+book,aps,133&sr=8-3
Secondly, I would recommend getting involved with a Zoom group moderated by a no nonsense psychologist like Kathy Marshack. Dr Marshack’s husband has Asperger’s/ASD1 and she is well versed in helping partners learn how to best communicate with those with ASD1. The link below will bring you to her webpage where you will find more information about joining her Zoom group.
https://kmarshack.com/
Many people with autism have very low emotional intelligence that contributes to relationship difficulties. Getting your husband a self-help book about emotional intelligence can greatly improve your marriage if he's willing to read it and wants to get better. CBT and other forms of psychotherapy can also be helpful.
Welcome. I'm a man with Aspergers and I've been married to my NT wife for 21 years. We're each other's best friends, soul mates, etc. It can work. Every healthy relationship takes compromise and understanding and that's most certainly also the case with NT/ND relationships.
I would suggest checking out AANE.ORG They have a lot for resources on NT/Autistic relationships and they also offer zoom meetings where couples can connect with autism specialists, etc.
My personal opinion, but I would avoid going to couples therapy with a therapist who is not experienced with autism, adult autism, etc. The results can be very bad if a therapist is making judgements as if both partners are NT when they're not. This same thing holds true for an autistic person going to a therapist who knows little to nothing about autism. Bad outcome is very possible in that kind of situation.
I would suggest checking out AANE.ORG They have a lot for resources on NT/Autistic relationships and they also offer zoom meetings where couples can connect with autism specialists, etc.
My personal opinion, but I would avoid going to couples therapy with a therapist who is not experienced with autism, adult autism, etc. The results can be very bad if a therapist is making judgements as if both partners are NT when they're not. This same thing holds true for an autistic person going to a therapist who knows little to nothing about autism. Bad outcome is very possible in that kind of situation.
36+ years married. The following are my "Top 5" for what I have found works best for my wife and I:
(1) I think the most important aspect, by far, is settling upon HOW to communicate. I prefer direct communication, not indirect, as it often confuses me. In other words, say,...don't make a comment about the grass in the yard getting a bit long and then leave it like that,...thinking somehow I will get your hint. I guarantee you, in the moment,...I won't get it. I don't do hints. Rather,...be a bit more direct,..."Can you mow the lawn tomorrow?" I have found that most conflicts are caused by poor communication.
(2) The second is understanding each other's "love language". A spouse may do things for their partner as a means of showing affection,...but if the other isn't aware of what's going on,...that other person is just busy doing tasks to avoid them. I may not say much verbally to my wife, but I am always touching her hand, putting my hand on her thigh while watching TV, I will give her kisses and hugs and back rubs,...and my wife,...she is more of a doer of things. When you have two very different brains trying to communicate with each other, it's important to understand "the language" being spoken.
(3) The third thing is emotions,...it can take me minutes, hours, even days to process an emotional interaction. So I guarantee I will not respond appropriately in the moment. I may appear stoic on the outside,...because that's all I can do in the moment. Certainly, do not expect me to have a logical, rational thought in my head when 90% of my mental energy is being consumed trying to sort our emotional states,...and nothing that comes out of my mouth is going to be helpful in the moment. Our emotions might as well be a loud speaker of obnoxious noises that I cannot process, and I cannot get away fast enough. Rather, pick a time when both of us have "cooled down" and we can have a discussion,...and not an argument.
(4) When you have two very different brains working together you have to focus upon what each does best for the betterment of the team. Different is good. Take advantage of each other's asymmetrical intelligences, and use it. Conversely, NEVER point out each other's weaknesses,...not even jokingly.
(5) Support each other. Whatever the situation is,...if someone is taking the lead, the other is with their hands on the other's back pushing them forward. It could be little gestures, or big gestures.
(1) I think the most important aspect, by far, is settling upon HOW to communicate. I prefer direct communication, not indirect, as it often confuses me. In other words, say,...don't make a comment about the grass in the yard getting a bit long and then leave it like that,...thinking somehow I will get your hint. I guarantee you, in the moment,...I won't get it. I don't do hints. Rather,...be a bit more direct,..."Can you mow the lawn tomorrow?" I have found that most conflicts are caused by poor communication.
(2) The second is understanding each other's "love language". A spouse may do things for their partner as a means of showing affection,...but if the other isn't aware of what's going on,...that other person is just busy doing tasks to avoid them. I may not say much verbally to my wife, but I am always touching her hand, putting my hand on her thigh while watching TV, I will give her kisses and hugs and back rubs,...and my wife,...she is more of a doer of things. When you have two very different brains trying to communicate with each other, it's important to understand "the language" being spoken.
(3) The third thing is emotions,...it can take me minutes, hours, even days to process an emotional interaction. So I guarantee I will not respond appropriately in the moment. I may appear stoic on the outside,...because that's all I can do in the moment. Certainly, do not expect me to have a logical, rational thought in my head when 90% of my mental energy is being consumed trying to sort our emotional states,...and nothing that comes out of my mouth is going to be helpful in the moment. Our emotions might as well be a loud speaker of obnoxious noises that I cannot process, and I cannot get away fast enough. Rather, pick a time when both of us have "cooled down" and we can have a discussion,...and not an argument.
(4) When you have two very different brains working together you have to focus upon what each does best for the betterment of the team. Different is good. Take advantage of each other's asymmetrical intelligences, and use it. Conversely, NEVER point out each other's weaknesses,...not even jokingly.
(5) Support each other. Whatever the situation is,...if someone is taking the lead, the other is with their hands on the other's back pushing them forward. It could be little gestures, or big gestures.
Hello & welcome @james89.
If you are in the USA, see...
https://autlanders.blogspot.com/2019/07/finding-support-resources-in-usa.html
If you are in the USA, see...
https://autlanders.blogspot.com/2019/07/finding-support-resources-in-usa.html
Hi James89 and welcome to the forums. I am an ASD/ND man and my wife is ND but not ASD. We have made it 24 years. I don't think I have anything to add to the good advice above. If you have any specific questions I will try to answer them though.
I'm an Aspie she is NT, married 42 years in a few days, the biggest thing about me is I am very analytical.
one thing she found out over time. if you ask me something you get an upfront answer, no beating around the bush example does this dress make me look fat my answer yes it does not flattering on you.
happy wife happy life is bs, not the way we do things. if you make a mistake own up to it, no silly games.
one thing she found out over time. if you ask me something you get an upfront answer, no beating around the bush example does this dress make me look fat my answer yes it does not flattering on you.
happy wife happy life is bs, not the way we do things. if you make a mistake own up to it, no silly games.
@Ronald Zeeman
More importantly, it's better not to ask questions like that. It's better to ask, what do you think about this dress? I wore a dress, and he gave me a definite thumbs down, but l love the dress because it's comfortable. I think the stripes were to busy for him visually. So direct communication, like is this dress okay?
More importantly, it's better not to ask questions like that. It's better to ask, what do you think about this dress? I wore a dress, and he gave me a definite thumbs down, but l love the dress because it's comfortable. I think the stripes were to busy for him visually. So direct communication, like is this dress okay?
if you are able buy from here https://www.ebooks.com/en-us/book/1...y-dating-sex-and-marriage/dr-anthony-attwood/ as so many paper books are going to landfill
our core values are a bit different from NT's, we value integrity, and honesty more highly.
Example one of my former positions was a representative of a chemical supplier in an assembly plant for pick-up trucks, each supplier was expected to submit, a summary of your process once a month. jokingly called the cookbook, I was known for never cooking the books, which was common among the other suppliers. Probably why I was successful in changing the industry to what they refer to a reverse onus system.
This is probably why science is so highly valued by the public lots of Aspies are scientists The whole industry, all the assembly cars, and trucks,plants for paint and treatment chemicals now have switched to reverse onus over the last 20 years.
Example one of my former positions was a representative of a chemical supplier in an assembly plant for pick-up trucks, each supplier was expected to submit, a summary of your process once a month. jokingly called the cookbook, I was known for never cooking the books, which was common among the other suppliers. Probably why I was successful in changing the industry to what they refer to a reverse onus system.
This is probably why science is so highly valued by the public lots of Aspies are scientists The whole industry, all the assembly cars, and trucks,plants for paint and treatment chemicals now have switched to reverse onus over the last 20 years.
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My wife knows me too well she wants the truth, which I give her.
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