Hi all,
This is going to be long, and probably all over the place, so sorry for that. This is basically going to be a journal of many of the neurodivergent tendencies I exhibit, and how they've affected my interactions in the real world. I'm new to this forum, and I'm honestly not sure where I lie in the neurodivergent world. My self analysis mainly started due to my glaring social issues in my current environment, being a college freshman living on campus and attempting to meet people and make relationships, but mostly failing.
I was evaluated for autism as a very young child, probably when I was about 2 years old (so in 2006), and apparently I was fine. I'll admit our scientific understanding and testing methods for autism has changed vastly since then, so who knows. On discussing the matter with my parents recently, they are very opposed to the idea that I could be on the spectrum, claiming I have "autistic tendencies, but don't have autism" (huh).
It was through self examination that I've realized I seem to have some glaring difficulties in social environments that I didn't really notice as directly due to generally being surrounded only by family and lifelong friends before college, which isn't the case anymore. In the end, the purpose of this post is to make sense of my situation, and help understand myself better. Kind of a journal of lots of my neurodivergent experiences in life, and to see if any people who possibly have had experiences like mine are out there.
From this point, I'll basically be explaining some stand out experiences, feelings, and behaviors I've noticed in myself throughout my life, starting from the beginning.
Ever since I can remember, I've been a huge stimmer. Whether it be playing with something in my hands, spinning in circles for ages, always sleeping with a blanket I rub in between my fingers until I fall asleep (for about 18 years now), tapping my foot all the time, etc Stimming has always given me such a calming, relaxing feeling, almost making me feel more in control with my surroundings in a way.
Along the lines of that, I also love repeating things over and over. This might be saying a word or phrase over and over again, or watching a very short clip over and over (5-20 times in a row).
Sensory wise, I am extremely hypersensitive to noise. I also very easily get overwhelmed in or near any kind of large group of people who are moving, talking, etc. I feel extremely uncomfortable and hazy in the head around large crowds, and I'm not really sure why.
When it comes to language processing, the only major issue I've had is self diagnosed APD, which was somewhat bad when I was younger but has gotten better.
Mental health wise, nothing major happened until I was 10 years old, and out of nowhere, something popped. I suddenly developed incredible severe anxiety and OCD, to the point where I was breaking down every day in tears over some obsessively weird and illogical fear that I knew was illogical, but couldn't help but be insanely freaked out and worried anyways. This cooled down over time, but since then, I've always had major bouts of anxiety that come and go, and there's always a constant level of anxiety I experience with most of what I do. I've been a hypochondriac since then as well, which would never fail to keep me up at night until I finally developed a way to get myself sleeping regardless a few years back. My severe OCD lasted about a year, during which I did things such as always turning a light on and off 3 times before turning it on or off, etc.
In terms of my thinking and interests, I've always been an extremely, overly logical person for as long as I can remember. Interest wise, for my entire life, I have had rotating obsessive interests. What I mean by that is I have multiple obsessive interests that I basically take turns obsessively focusing on, which then just change out, like the flip of a switch. In addition, I've always, in my opinion, lacked a lot of enthapy. Specifically, I have found it incredibly difficult to understand what it is like to be someone else- I've always naturally been extremely centered on my own conscious, and I just can't for the life of me put myself in someone else's shoes. I feel like I have a strong moral compass regardless, but this lack of empathy has always bothered me so much.
When it comes to social interaction, I've had many many issues and quirky experiences over the years. For many years as a child, I had lots of issues making eye contact with people I talked to- eventually, I got in the habit of doing so at my dad's direction when I was in middle school. But to this day, I am awkward with my eye contact, and find eye contact during conversations unnatural. Probably the worst social interactions I've had was as a young child, seemingly because I hadn't observed enough NT behavior to begin imitating it to fit in. Most of my memories of these actions were during playtime at preschool, where I was essentially a control freak over everyone else's actions- I wanted there to be a very specific way in which everyone played, because I liked order.
My entire life and to this day, probably my most glaring social issue is how I carry out and process conversations. I always have been and am very naturally one-sided in conversation, and I do not naturally converse at all like neurotypical people (I'll call neurotypical conversing 'NT conversations' for the purpose of this) . I love to information-dump and explain my wordy and elaborate thoughts and opinions forever and ever on my obsessive interests, and can go on for hours if you let me. I always interrupt people, which is a habit I've tried very hard to break, but it's insanely difficult. My thinking is so self-centric that when people say stuff, I automatically process it in terms of my interests and bring up new information and thoughts to talk about it myself. During this, I literally disconnect from my surroundings and into my head, and then when I return, my mouth is opening. I've gotten better very slowly over time at trying to have NT conversations, but it can be difficult. I cannot carry conversations, and if the conversation is with a new person and isn't on my list of obsessive topics (well, it's a big list at this point), I literally just cannot find words to say.
I've only known one person who converses like I did, my best friend from middle school. And he had autism. He would talk just like I would. That's why we were such good friends- we both conversed in the same way, naturally, just how two NT people would have NT conversations. We would take turns info and analysis-dumping on each other, and take in the info and analysis from the other person, thinking about it and making our own thoughts, feelings, and analysis about it, then dumping those. And there was only one topic we ever talked about, an obsessive topic we both shared.
With people I learn to know over a bit of time, I can carry out conversations here and there, but I can't go far with them. With people I've known for a while, given they have a lot to say, I can actually carry pretty well, because I know who they are, their interests, and the kind of conversations, statements, and questions that interest them. However, people I know intimately, my closest lifelong friends and family, I can perform nerotypical conversations with effortlessly. I always prefer and often partially revert to my conversation type. Generally, when I converse with close family, I converse in a mix of NT and "my type" of conversation. This usually, however, leads to my monopolization of the conversation, and my often interrupting of family members (a pet peeve of my sister). Over the years my "standard" conversation form with intimate family and close friends has shifted from being heavily leaning on my style of conversation to NT style, simply because I've gotten better at NT style, and my family members have often expressed annoyance at overuse of my style of conversaton. This shift mainly occured a few years back, when my constant use of my conversation style, and it's info-dump, wordy, and 1-sided nature began to get on my dad's nerves (understandably- he couldn't get a word in). He termed my conversation style 'Lecturing', which is essentially what it was. When I would go on in my natural conversing style for a couple minutes, he would remind me I was lecturing, at which point I would forcibly switch into an NT conversation.
I didn't really consciously realize that I was actually using two totally different conversation systems in my thoughts and speech until recently. This discovery was concurrent with my discovery that I tend to mirror people I know intimately all the time- copying their phrasing, personality, mannerisms, and interests subconsciously when holding a conversation with them. This made me realize I did not seem to have a natural way of expressing myself in "normal" conversation. I then realized I only acted my real self when conversing in the way I felt was normal, the way I was used to, my conversation style. This is when I realized the distinction between the two. My normal way of interacting with people, and the neurotypical way.
Because I have no natural sense of how to carry an NT conversation, I get my knowledge on how to carry them out from other people, thus why I subconsciously mirror people when I have NT conversations with them. This would also explain why I have immense trouble having NT conversations with people I don't know- NT conversations for me are a subconsciously learned set of behaviors, and each NT person converses in their own way such that I can't naturally carry a conversation with them until I learn that way. I have to learn people before I can carry out NT conversations with them. And I know from many experiences, when I try and have NT conversations with people I don't know, I'm a train wreck. I'm like a deer in the headlights. And anxiety makes this much worse.
This is going to be long, and probably all over the place, so sorry for that. This is basically going to be a journal of many of the neurodivergent tendencies I exhibit, and how they've affected my interactions in the real world. I'm new to this forum, and I'm honestly not sure where I lie in the neurodivergent world. My self analysis mainly started due to my glaring social issues in my current environment, being a college freshman living on campus and attempting to meet people and make relationships, but mostly failing.
I was evaluated for autism as a very young child, probably when I was about 2 years old (so in 2006), and apparently I was fine. I'll admit our scientific understanding and testing methods for autism has changed vastly since then, so who knows. On discussing the matter with my parents recently, they are very opposed to the idea that I could be on the spectrum, claiming I have "autistic tendencies, but don't have autism" (huh).
It was through self examination that I've realized I seem to have some glaring difficulties in social environments that I didn't really notice as directly due to generally being surrounded only by family and lifelong friends before college, which isn't the case anymore. In the end, the purpose of this post is to make sense of my situation, and help understand myself better. Kind of a journal of lots of my neurodivergent experiences in life, and to see if any people who possibly have had experiences like mine are out there.
From this point, I'll basically be explaining some stand out experiences, feelings, and behaviors I've noticed in myself throughout my life, starting from the beginning.
Ever since I can remember, I've been a huge stimmer. Whether it be playing with something in my hands, spinning in circles for ages, always sleeping with a blanket I rub in between my fingers until I fall asleep (for about 18 years now), tapping my foot all the time, etc Stimming has always given me such a calming, relaxing feeling, almost making me feel more in control with my surroundings in a way.
Along the lines of that, I also love repeating things over and over. This might be saying a word or phrase over and over again, or watching a very short clip over and over (5-20 times in a row).
Sensory wise, I am extremely hypersensitive to noise. I also very easily get overwhelmed in or near any kind of large group of people who are moving, talking, etc. I feel extremely uncomfortable and hazy in the head around large crowds, and I'm not really sure why.
When it comes to language processing, the only major issue I've had is self diagnosed APD, which was somewhat bad when I was younger but has gotten better.
Mental health wise, nothing major happened until I was 10 years old, and out of nowhere, something popped. I suddenly developed incredible severe anxiety and OCD, to the point where I was breaking down every day in tears over some obsessively weird and illogical fear that I knew was illogical, but couldn't help but be insanely freaked out and worried anyways. This cooled down over time, but since then, I've always had major bouts of anxiety that come and go, and there's always a constant level of anxiety I experience with most of what I do. I've been a hypochondriac since then as well, which would never fail to keep me up at night until I finally developed a way to get myself sleeping regardless a few years back. My severe OCD lasted about a year, during which I did things such as always turning a light on and off 3 times before turning it on or off, etc.
In terms of my thinking and interests, I've always been an extremely, overly logical person for as long as I can remember. Interest wise, for my entire life, I have had rotating obsessive interests. What I mean by that is I have multiple obsessive interests that I basically take turns obsessively focusing on, which then just change out, like the flip of a switch. In addition, I've always, in my opinion, lacked a lot of enthapy. Specifically, I have found it incredibly difficult to understand what it is like to be someone else- I've always naturally been extremely centered on my own conscious, and I just can't for the life of me put myself in someone else's shoes. I feel like I have a strong moral compass regardless, but this lack of empathy has always bothered me so much.
When it comes to social interaction, I've had many many issues and quirky experiences over the years. For many years as a child, I had lots of issues making eye contact with people I talked to- eventually, I got in the habit of doing so at my dad's direction when I was in middle school. But to this day, I am awkward with my eye contact, and find eye contact during conversations unnatural. Probably the worst social interactions I've had was as a young child, seemingly because I hadn't observed enough NT behavior to begin imitating it to fit in. Most of my memories of these actions were during playtime at preschool, where I was essentially a control freak over everyone else's actions- I wanted there to be a very specific way in which everyone played, because I liked order.
My entire life and to this day, probably my most glaring social issue is how I carry out and process conversations. I always have been and am very naturally one-sided in conversation, and I do not naturally converse at all like neurotypical people (I'll call neurotypical conversing 'NT conversations' for the purpose of this) . I love to information-dump and explain my wordy and elaborate thoughts and opinions forever and ever on my obsessive interests, and can go on for hours if you let me. I always interrupt people, which is a habit I've tried very hard to break, but it's insanely difficult. My thinking is so self-centric that when people say stuff, I automatically process it in terms of my interests and bring up new information and thoughts to talk about it myself. During this, I literally disconnect from my surroundings and into my head, and then when I return, my mouth is opening. I've gotten better very slowly over time at trying to have NT conversations, but it can be difficult. I cannot carry conversations, and if the conversation is with a new person and isn't on my list of obsessive topics (well, it's a big list at this point), I literally just cannot find words to say.
I've only known one person who converses like I did, my best friend from middle school. And he had autism. He would talk just like I would. That's why we were such good friends- we both conversed in the same way, naturally, just how two NT people would have NT conversations. We would take turns info and analysis-dumping on each other, and take in the info and analysis from the other person, thinking about it and making our own thoughts, feelings, and analysis about it, then dumping those. And there was only one topic we ever talked about, an obsessive topic we both shared.
With people I learn to know over a bit of time, I can carry out conversations here and there, but I can't go far with them. With people I've known for a while, given they have a lot to say, I can actually carry pretty well, because I know who they are, their interests, and the kind of conversations, statements, and questions that interest them. However, people I know intimately, my closest lifelong friends and family, I can perform nerotypical conversations with effortlessly. I always prefer and often partially revert to my conversation type. Generally, when I converse with close family, I converse in a mix of NT and "my type" of conversation. This usually, however, leads to my monopolization of the conversation, and my often interrupting of family members (a pet peeve of my sister). Over the years my "standard" conversation form with intimate family and close friends has shifted from being heavily leaning on my style of conversation to NT style, simply because I've gotten better at NT style, and my family members have often expressed annoyance at overuse of my style of conversaton. This shift mainly occured a few years back, when my constant use of my conversation style, and it's info-dump, wordy, and 1-sided nature began to get on my dad's nerves (understandably- he couldn't get a word in). He termed my conversation style 'Lecturing', which is essentially what it was. When I would go on in my natural conversing style for a couple minutes, he would remind me I was lecturing, at which point I would forcibly switch into an NT conversation.
I didn't really consciously realize that I was actually using two totally different conversation systems in my thoughts and speech until recently. This discovery was concurrent with my discovery that I tend to mirror people I know intimately all the time- copying their phrasing, personality, mannerisms, and interests subconsciously when holding a conversation with them. This made me realize I did not seem to have a natural way of expressing myself in "normal" conversation. I then realized I only acted my real self when conversing in the way I felt was normal, the way I was used to, my conversation style. This is when I realized the distinction between the two. My normal way of interacting with people, and the neurotypical way.
Because I have no natural sense of how to carry an NT conversation, I get my knowledge on how to carry them out from other people, thus why I subconsciously mirror people when I have NT conversations with them. This would also explain why I have immense trouble having NT conversations with people I don't know- NT conversations for me are a subconsciously learned set of behaviors, and each NT person converses in their own way such that I can't naturally carry a conversation with them until I learn that way. I have to learn people before I can carry out NT conversations with them. And I know from many experiences, when I try and have NT conversations with people I don't know, I'm a train wreck. I'm like a deer in the headlights. And anxiety makes this much worse.
Reading your post, I was thinking that I wish I have had your insight about my self at your age. I can relate so much to many of the things you write. 
