Need some help... any is appreciated(:

[Kayla Joanne]

hi guys, i have a couple questions...

the topic of autism/asperger's is one i don't usually discuss with anyone so it's uncomfortable to talk about, especially with my boyfriend... I'm an NT and he has asperger's, and I don't know how to talk about it, like, i want to. i want to ask questions and try to understand and at least not be offensive or make things even more difficult for him... what are some ways i can bring it up and discuss it with him, without sounding totally ignorant and rude... like a really want to know how i can help... (i know, there's really not a whole lot i can do other than be supportive and talk to him). like, what kinds of questions do i ask? what i mean by that is, what do i ask that doesn't sound rude and offensive? i don't feel like i'm explaining my question right... i want to basically know what would be considered "normal" in behaviors (i hate that i sound rude, i apologize). i understand that some (most, from the research i've done... limited research, but still) aren't as keen on picking up social cues like NT's are, and that they're smarter than people give them credit for... i really do apologize for sounding like i'm doing a science experiment, i just really don't know how to approach the topic :/

 

[nightowl]

How do you want to talk about AS with your boyfriend? What I'm trying to say is if there is anything specifically about AS you want to bring up with him, that would affect your relationship, that you want to discuss, or AS in general?

Is your boyfriend officially diagnosed?

 

[Kayla Joanne]

How do you want to talk about AS with your boyfriend? What I'm trying to say is if there is anything specifically about AS you want to bring up with him, that would affect your relationship, that you want to discuss, or AS in general?

Is your boyfriend officially diagnosed?

yes, he is officially diagnosed, and i'm just generally curious about anything he could tell me... that sounds bad, like i'm treating it like a research thing more than trying to learn... but i want to know like what kinds of things are like "typical behavior", i heard and read that like some kinds of anxiety tics are prominent like rocking back and forth and seeming high strung can happen too... and about the talking about it thing, i would just like to be able to bring it up and discuss it without me being really uncomfortable, i never know what to ask and i hate sounding rude :/

 

[hetastuck]

My parents are touchy about the subject. When they talk about it they make it awkward by dancing around the word. I find that if you pretend the subject isn't weid in any way to you, then your boyfriend will be more likely to relax, if he was ever tense about it, then you'll probably relax. And always remember, Aspergers is simply a name for the way he is. A way to describe his brain and the way it works. There's nothing weird about that. Good luck!

 

[DogwoodTree]

How about instead of trying to figure out his autism, you ask him about him? Every aspie is different anyway, so trying to ask him what asperger's is like...he might not even know, and might not feel like he's "perfectly" representative anyway. But it's completely natural in a relationship to get to know quirks and strengths and weaknesses about each other.

Ask him what he likes, what he doesn't like, what bothers him, what encourages him. And don't be shocked when some of it is different than what you expect...but also don't be shocked when some of it gives you insights into yourself. Just try to be open-minded, realizing that the things he prefers or that bother him might be very different from most people, but could also, possibly, be very enlightening. Then share those insights with him from time to time. For me personally, I like to know that I've had a useful effect on someone else's life. (Think Thomas the Train...wanting to be useful, lol!)

What really bothers me is when people try to put me in a box based on what they know about me. I don't fit in a box, and I find that I relate best with people who can adapt and have a more fluid relationship, one that isn't trying to settle on specific "rules" for the relationship but instead prioritizes the freedom of each person to just be themselves, even when that ebbs and flows with various circumstances.

One caveat...if autism or whatever is a special interest for him...if it's something he's studied extensively on...he might instead enjoy telling you about it. Don't avoid the topic like it's an elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about. Find out what his special interests are, and learn about them from him.

And look for his unique peculiarities about how he shows his affection and appreciation for you. The relationship may not be as one-sided as it might seem at times, if you can learn to speak his language some. For me, good and healthy boundaries are starting to make all the difference in my relationships...people who I can trust to be themselves with me and let me be myself with them. Manipulation and masks stress me out, so I actually prefer for people to just relax and not try to tiptoe around my issues, but also not to ostracize me or over-analyze me or pity me or handle me with kit gloves...I could give a long list. Just be real.

 

[Judge]

With regards to a relationship to an Aspie, I personally believe the most important thing is to be able to recognize and accept our need for solitude.

Equally important that it is not about their NT partner, so their partner needs to not take this personally when on occasion it happens.

For me it was an issue that continually damaged my relationships with NTs, although at the time I didn't have a clue that I was on the spectrum. They took it personally when I needed time and space alone, and I had no answers why at the time.

 

[Kayla Joanne]

How about instead of trying to figure out his autism, you ask him about him? Every aspie is different anyway, so trying to ask him what asperger's is like...he might not even know, and might not feel like he's "perfectly" representative anyway. But it's completely natural in a relationship to get to know quirks and strengths and weaknesses about each other.

Ask him what he likes, what he doesn't like, what bothers him, what encourages him. And don't be shocked when some of it is different than what you expect...but also don't be shocked when some of it gives you insights into yourself. Just try to be open-minded, realizing that the things he prefers or that bother him might be very different from most people, but could also, possibly, be very enlightening. Then share those insights with him from time to time. For me personally, I like to know that I've had a useful effect on someone else's life. (Think Thomas the Train...wanting to be useful, lol!)

What really bothers me is when people try to put me in a box based on what they know about me. I don't fit in a box, and I find that I relate best with people who can adapt and have a more fluid relationship, one that isn't trying to settle on specific "rules" for the relationship but instead prioritizes the freedom of each person to just be themselves, even when that ebbs and flows with various circumstances.

One caveat...if autism or whatever is a special interest for him...if it's something he's studied extensively on...he might instead enjoy telling you about it. Don't avoid the topic like it's an elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about. Find out what his special interests are, and learn about them from him.

And look for his unique peculiarities about how he shows his affection and appreciation for you. The relationship may not be as one-sided as it might seem at times, if you can learn to speak his language some. For me, good and healthy boundaries are starting to make all the difference in my relationships...people who I can trust to be themselves with me and let me be myself with them. Manipulation and masks stress me out, so I actually prefer for people to just relax and not try to tiptoe around my issues, but also not to ostracize me or over-analyze me or pity me or handle me with kit gloves...I could give a long list. Just be real.

well we've been together almost ten months and i know a lot of his quirks and goofy stuff he does to be silly with me, and i also know some of the things he does that sometimes he can't help. like for example one of the things he does is he rocks back and forth when he's spacing out or concentrating really hard. that probably has nothing to do with AS but i'm just saying. He's been really open about it with me, like he answers any question i have that he knows how to. I honestly think he likes telling me about it, because none of his ex girlfriends cared enough to ask, let alone get outside help (like on here) to understand a little better. Im just scared he's going to think i'm just treating him like an experiment and so i try not to ask too many questions. and i also don't ever want him to think that the reason i'm with him is out of pity, or sympathy, because that is not the case whatsoever. and i like your analogy with Thomas the train... kinda put a little bit of perspective in place, with feeling useful. and with the box thing, i'm really trying not to seem like i'm putting him in a category that doesn't fit him. I'm usually pretty good at but i've never been in this situation before and i want to know i'm handling it with at least a little decency and not using stereotypes...

 

[Judge]

well we've been together almost ten months and i know a lot of his quirks and goofy stuff he does to be silly with me, and i also know some of the things he does that sometimes he can't help. like for example one of the things he does is he rocks back and forth when he's spacing out or concentrating really hard. that probably has nothing to do with AS but i'm just saying

What do you consider to be goofy or silly?

Rocking back and forth....likely his way of stimming. I tend to pace a lot...but also known to rock back and forth while standing. It IS a trait of ASD.

 

[DogwoodTree]

well we've been together almost ten months and i know a lot of his quirks and goofy stuff he does to be silly with me, and i also know some of the things he does that sometimes he can't help. like for example one of the things he does is he rocks back and forth when he's spacing out or concentrating really hard. that probably has nothing to do with AS but i'm just saying. He's been really open about it with me, like he answers any question i have that he knows how to. I honestly think he likes telling me about it, because none of his ex girlfriends cared enough to ask, let alone get outside help (like on here) to understand a little better. Im just scared he's going to think i'm just treating him like an experiment and so i try not to ask too many questions. and i also don't ever want him to think that the reason i'm with him is out of pity, or sympathy, because that is not the case whatsoever. and i like your analogy with Thomas the train... kinda put a little bit of perspective in place, with feeling useful. and with the box thing, i'm really trying not to seem like i'm putting him in a category that doesn't fit him. I'm usually pretty good at but i've never been in this situation before and i want to know i'm handling it with at least a little decency and not using stereotypes...

If you come across to him as open-minded and gentle-hearted as you sound here...I can see why he would be so open with you about it. I think you're on the right track. (pun intended )

 

[Kayla Joanne]

If you come across to him as open-minded and gentle-hearted as you sound here...I can see why he would be so open with you about it. I think you're on the right track. (pun intended )

thanks, i try to be open minded and sensitive, especially about certain topics. this is definitely one of those topics i have a tendency to be oversensitive about. by the way, if you don't mind my asking, what are some questions i should stay away from? like anything that could sound offensive... i know it varies from person to person, and he's not one to be offended easily but like what could potentially come across as offensive? i just like to know so i don't say something and hurt him accidentally

 

[Kayla Joanne]

What do you consider to be goofy or silly?

Rocking back and forth....likely his way of stimming. I tend to pace a lot...but also known to rock back and forth while standing. It IS a trait of ASD.

and his goofy silly stuff like our stupid little i love you fights, him putting my easter bucket on his head to try and make me laugh when i'm having a bad day, dancing like a fool to make me smile, purposely singing terribly (he is a really good singer) to make me laugh... the dumb silly stuff like that

 

[Judge]

and his goofy silly stuff like our stupid little i love you fights, him putting my easter bucket on his head to try and make me laugh when i'm having a bad day, dancing like a fool to make me smile, purposely singing terribly (he is a really good singer) to make me laugh... the dumb silly stuff like that

Ahhh. Humor. That's a good thing. As for the "L" word....that can be tricky for some of us.

 

[Kayla Joanne]

Ahhh. Humor. That's a good thing. As for the "L" word....that can be tricky for some of us.

it wasn't easy for him in the beginning, so i let him do it on his own (this was way before i even knew about his AS) but once he said it i can't get him to stop nor would i, but still. yeah, he's definitely a goofball. i'm actually talking to him now about some of the things he takes a heavy interest in and he's taking it and running with it i don't mind at all, it makes him feel good and it helps me learn even more about him. what other kind of questions can i ask that wouldn't sound completely rude and ignorant? (from your personal experience)

 

[Judge]

it wasn't easy for him in the beginning, so i let him do it on his own (this was way before i even knew about his AS) but once he said it i can't get him to stop nor would i, but still. yeah, he's definitely a goofball. i'm actually talking to him now about some of the things he takes a heavy interest in and he's taking it and running with it i don't mind at all, it makes him feel good and it helps me learn even more about him. what other kind of questions can i ask that wouldn't sound completely rude and ignorant? (from your personal experience)

Frankly as an NT your situation sounds considerably better than most who post here, concerned about an Aspie significant other. LOL...he sounds easier to deal with than me! Of course beware, to get caught up in any of our obsessions. They're liable to overwhelm you at times. And if not, truly- good for both of you! Our obsessions are VERY important to us.

Perhaps the only other thing I'd mention was already covered. That you don't want to make "cookie-cutter" assumptions about Aspies in general. While we can seem very similar, we can also be quite different. Different traits and behaviors, as well as different degrees or "amplitude" of them. And many of us have comorbidity issues, which can involve a number of other conditions such as OCD and clinical depression as in my own case.

I suppose my only real "hot-button issue" is when an NT (like my cousin) will initially assume a specific trait or behavior I have can be "fixed". (She's big into positive-thinking and motivational speakers.) Or that it's always something I can work on and change with a positive attitude. Not necessarily true. Some traits I can work on, and some are utterly hard-wired into my brain.

The feeling I get from how you have posted about this guy, is positive. He may not mind at all whatever you ask him. As far as I'm concerned, the genuine interest of any NT in wanting to know more about one who is one the spectrum is always a good thing.

 

[Kayla Joanne]

Frankly as an NT your situation sounds considerably better than most who post here, concerned about an Aspie significant other. LOL...he sounds easier to deal with than me! Of course beware, to get caught up in any of our obsessions. They're liable to overwhelm you at times. And if not, truly- good for both of you! Our obsessions are VERY important to us.

Perhaps the only other thing I'd mention was already covered. That you don't want to make "cookie-cutter" assumptions about Aspies in general. While we can seem very similar, we can also be quite different. Different traits and behaviors, as well as different degrees or "amplitude" of them. And many of us have comorbidity issues, which can involve a number of other conditions such as OCD and clinical depression as in my own case.

I suppose my only real "hot-button issue" is when an NT (like my cousin) will initially assume a specific trait or behavior I have can be "fixed". (She's big into positive-thinking and motivational speakers.) Or that it's always something I can work on and change with a positive attitude. Not necessarily true. Some traits I can work on, and some are utterly hard-wired into my brain.

The feeling I get from how you have posted about this guy, is positive. He may not mind at all whatever you ask him. As far as I'm concerned, the genuine interest of any NT in wanting to know more about one who is one the spectrum is always a good thing.

he definitely has his obsessions with anime and videogames... i can definitely understand the point of being upset about people assuming some things can be "fixed"... he also has bipolar and ADHD, and his medication makes him super focused and when he does something, it has to be done completely. is that one of the characteristics, or could that just be him? when he isn't on his meds, he's still like that just not as much. he tends to overthink things as well a lot of the time, but that could just be a guy, i'm not sure... he is definitely a handful at times but i can handle him.

 

[Judge]

he definitely has his obsessions with anime and videogames... i can definitely understand the point of being upset about people assuming some things can be "fixed"... he also has bipolar and ADHD, and his medication makes him super focused and when he does something, it has to be done completely. is that one of the characteristics, or could that just be him? when he isn't on his meds, he's still like that just not as much. he tends to overthink things as well a lot of the time, but that could just be a guy, i'm not sure... he is definitely a handful at times but i can handle him.

Intense focus strikes me as common trait of ASD. One of the reasons we don't always tolerate interruptions so easily. Over-thinking so many things? Yes, it all goes for me as well.

 

[Kayla Joanne]

Intense focus strikes me as common trait of ASD. One of the reasons we don't always tolerate interruptions so easily. Over-thinking so many things? Yes, it all goes for me as well.

i wanted to make sure that was him being himself, he tends to get irritated with me easily if i interrupt him on some topics... and i've noticed that he tends to be slightly more sensitive and more impulsive than an NT like myself, is that also a trait or is that just him?

 

[Maelstrom]

hi guys, i have a couple questions...

With me on my aspie half, use more precise words and less face, pause and repeat with more detail if you get a blank face. With my auti half same as above except softly....softly stress increases blank face syndrome.....allot. :-(

 

[Judge]

i wanted to make sure that was him being himself, he tends to get irritated with me easily if i interrupt him on some topics... and i've noticed that he tends to be slightly more sensitive and more impulsive than an NT like myself, is that also a trait or is that just him?

With interruptions I can only say in my own case that at times they can completely disrupt my train of thought. Very frustrating at times when my mind goes blank. Maybe it's part of being so intensely focused at times. Some of us multitask better than others.

Sensitivity and impulsiveness...I'm apt to think that's more likely to be outside the parameters of ASD than within it. But then NTs can sometimes misread or "shortchange" us when it comes to assessing our sensitivity and empathy. Impulsiveness is even more complicated IMO. Some of us are far too regimented in our thinking to be really consider themselves to be impulsive. Others...not so much. I can be both...just not at the same time...lol.

 

[Maelstrom]

Zero multitasking here, hate it when bothered by someone while talking to someone else, feels like a spiderweb on face and you have to beat it off.