Need help supporting brother in online schooling

[sunfloral]

Hi everyone... I'm back again. it is really hard for me to do this, but I need help figuring out how to best support my brother. I am the older sister (20 y/o) of an autistic child (13 y/o). I am living away from home (college student) and am trying my best to support my brother and family remotely.

My brother is currently 13 years old, and he's been really frustrated that he can't go to school anymore. This transition to online schooling has been really hard on him, and he is unmotivated to do his homework or attend class. He is normally really great with these things, but lately his response has been: "I hate home school. I want to go to school."

Online schooling requires a lot of individual proactivity and I don't know how to get my brother to do things like attend class, do his homework, and ask his teacher for help when he needs it. He hasn't been doing the work because he said it's too hard. He is normally a really proactive kid.

A lot of the parenting techniques I know are from his experiences with ABA. I thought about starting a schedule for him to adhere to everyday. But after hearing about how ABA affects autistic children later in life, I'm hesitant to do these things because I don't want to hurt him. He won't do anything I tell him to unless there is a punishment involved, but is it wrong for me to "threaten" him that way?

Yes, I could force him to do the work, but he's 13 now.. how do I know when I'm taking care of him in the way an autistic child needs to be taken care of, vs. when I'm crossing the line and unfairly restricting his autonomy and privacy? How can I support him and make sure he does what he needs to do, while at the same time making sure he feels valued and respected?

Sorry this was a lot. I know that it isn't fully my responsibility to take care of my brother this way -- it's my parents'. But unfortunately that isn't my reality. My parents don't speak English and my brother doesn't listen to them because of that. Mental health is highly stigmatized in my culture, too. I need to work within this reality and support him the way that I can, while also taking care of myself, too. And I'm working on balancing that.

I'm just not sure what to do right now, especially when I want to treat my brother the way he deserves. Sorry this was long. Thank you so much for your advice and support.

 

[Aspychata]

Good luck. This sounds pretty rough. Does his online school have counseling appts by phone?
Can you tell him he will fall behind and have to redo whole year, maybe he isn't aware of this either.
My daughter was motivated because she didn't like going to school. She loved the fact that she could stay in her jammies. Later she attended a really great hs. Maybe see if there is a high school he may look forward to going to but he needs to complete these grades to get to the payoff of hs.

 

[Rasputin]

Hi everyone... I'm back again. it is really hard for me to do this, but I need help figuring out how to best support my brother. I am the older sister (20 y/o) of an autistic child (13 y/o). I am living away from home (college student) and am trying my best to support my brother and family remotely.

My brother is currently 13 years old, and he's been really frustrated that he can't go to school anymore. This transition to online schooling has been really hard on him, and he is unmotivated to do his homework or attend class. He is normally really great with these things, but lately his response has been: "I hate home school. I want to go to school."

Online schooling requires a lot of individual proactivity and I don't know how to get my brother to do things like attend class, do his homework, and ask his teacher for help when he needs it. He hasn't been doing the work because he said it's too hard. He is normally a really proactive kid.

A lot of the parenting techniques I know are from his experiences with ABA. I thought about starting a schedule for him to adhere to everyday. But after hearing about how ABA affects autistic children later in life, I'm hesitant to do these things because I don't want to hurt him. He won't do anything I tell him to unless there is a punishment involved, but is it wrong for me to "threaten" him that way?

Yes, I could force him to do the work, but he's 13 now.. how do I know when I'm taking care of him in the way an autistic child needs to be taken care of, vs. when I'm crossing the line and unfairly restricting his autonomy and privacy? How can I support him and make sure he does what he needs to do, while at the same time making sure he feels valued and respected?

Sorry this was a lot. I know that it isn't fully my responsibility to take care of my brother this way -- it's my parents'. But unfortunately that isn't my reality. My parents don't speak English and my brother doesn't listen to them because of that. Mental health is highly stigmatized in my culture, too. I need to work within this reality and support him the way that I can, while also taking care of myself, too. And I'm working on balancing that.

I'm just not sure what to do right now, especially when I want to treat my brother the way he deserves. Sorry this was long. Thank you so much for your advice and support.

These are just some thoughts that might not make sense.

Is it possible for your brother to stay with you, where you can supervise his school work? It sounds like he needs some structure, and lacks self discipline and motivation. It also sounds like you are more of a parental figure than his parents.

The only other suggestion would be for you to talk with your parents and see if they can be more diligent in supervising your brothers studies. And if he refuses to do his school work, some sort of discipline is needed. For example, set a schedule for school work, with no access to television unless school work is done.

 

[Fino]

He's a child refusing to do his schoolwork, punishment isn't out of line. He's being childish. I say to do what you have to get him to cooperate, cooperation being the best thing for him.

 

[paloftoon]

Since he's 13, he's old enough to be reminded that if he doesn't keep completing his homework, he could indirectly lose the home he lives in and have to live on the streets- in the middle of a pandemic no less!

 

[Thinx]

I'm thinking that he must have been getting a lot from having time at school, out of the home environment and with a supported social structure. Losing that is distressing and demotivating for him, and perhaps even depressing.

We tend to very seriously lack social abilities often, so whilst we may quite thrive in a supportive structure that helps us have social interaction, without such a structure we may feel isolated and down. Is he only in contact with parents now, probably? It is quite a radical change, it's not surprising he's reacting to it.

Is there any way of supporting him in (remote) interaction with others, maybe a remote study group? I think unfortunately a lot of young people in his situation will be getting demotivated, there may be some ideas out there from how others are getting around this that could be useful for his school to implement?

He's probably miserable, how can you cheer him up and help him regain his motivation that may have likely been partly based in social opportunities school offered?

 

[SliverOfSand]

I have been homeschooled most of my life. After going to a public school for two years, I went back to homeschooling and ran into problems in Highschool. I procrastinated, and I didn’t do a lot of the school work. I didn’t get my courses finished, and I had to work over the summer and extra the next year. I really screwed up, and yet, I kept falling in the habit of procrastinating. I can see how your brother feels. After being so used to working in a group setting, to then having to do all the work at home, a place that’s meant for things that aren’t school related, is hard. There are probably many things at home that distract from sitting down and doing school.

For me, the best solution was sitting down in a room with my sister (also homeschooled), to do my work with her around. Even though the assignments were different, just sitting with another person for a set amount of time really helped me to stop procrastinating. I was more productive than I had been in a long time.

I don’t know your situation, but if one of your parents has work to do from home, just sitting with him in the same room while he does his schoolwork could help. It has the social aspect to it, while also supervising him and his work. The person who is working next to him could also help with any problems he’s stuck with, like a teacher or student would at school. This might not work for everyone, but it may be worth a try.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I'd say, don't worry about it.

It's the end of the school year, and I suspect a lot of the kids in his class are the same way. They're in shock and it would be best for all of them if the district just ended the year early.

 

[tree]

I was homeschooled for eight years: here’s what I recommend | Aeon Ideas

TLDR

"Learning at home is quite different from learning at school."

1. "Learning what works very often requires first finding out what doesn’t, and then adapting."

2. "...talk to your kids about what they want, and what works for them."

3. "perhaps the hardest aspect of homeschooling is the parent-student relationship, and the countless difficulties it faces."

4. If you're "wondering which textbooks or workbooks to get, ...no single work for any subject will even come close."

"Being stuck at home for a few weeks and months, forced to homeschool, is a daunting prospect – but also a tremendous opportunity to cultivate the virtues of independence and original thinking."

Short article linked above elaborates somewhat on these points.

 

[Taira]

I don't like the idea of punishment. But many things that seem like punishment can actually be thought of as losing privileges. A 13 year old needs to experience direct cosequences of their actions or lack of action. Motivation doesn't have to be intrinsic, any motivation that makes him do his school work is good motivation. Boys even nt ones, will often not know what they want in life even after finishing high school. Many girls don't either. It's a little too much to expect a young teen to make good life choices. He needs guidance, and letting him lose privileges or get rewards depending on how he performs is a perfectly good way of raising a child.

Just try to make the "punishments" less like dog training and more like understandable consequences.

 

[Wolfgangus Faldestolius]

I see several areas to look at:

The materials, do they suit his cognition?
If not, how to adapt/supplement them
And which subjects should you temporarily prioritise?
Are there one or two subjects where he is really "ahead" unbeknownst to anyone because extra success and enjoyment can calm one for something more uphill.
The better teachers are unobtrusively sharp about seeing how a child is getting on and may offer a brief note of approval of progress, affirming clues to problem solving or the like.
Being one of several who are being kept an eye on is reassuring and unobtrusive. One on one (if it's possible) is a different kettle of fish but one could get the best out of it with ingenuity. Distance: again, ingenuity.
Can you set up several calls to him during a day to discuss particular points in the material he wants to ask questions about (what does it mean when it says - how do you do - ) and indeed those he is pleased with himself about
Your brother has to take quite a big part in negotiating, at the practical level, how he would like to be taught.
Is his lighting sufficient or too much?
I used to like a blackboard to copy from and the way the teacher times and dosed his material for us to catch up within 40 minutes.
Build in sufficient rests between sessions.
Maybe the odd, shortish evening or Saturday lesson would be less brain frazzling than any usual videos etc?
Vary timetable between weeks?
Treat it as a marvellous adventure for you both

(Am still 13 y.o at heart )

 

[FreeDiver]

My brother is currently 13 years old, and he's been really frustrated that he can't go to school anymore. This transition to online schooling has been really hard on him, and he is unmotivated to do his homework or attend class. He is normally really great with these things, but lately his response has been: "I hate home school. I want to go to school."

All I can say is "WOW!!". That's one heck of an exception to the rule. An autistic kid that like public school over home school? Most all of us on this forum would be the complete opposite. I would've taken home school over public school any day.

 

[Taira]

All I can say is "WOW!!". That's one heck of an exception to the rule. An autistic kid that like public school over home school?

my school makes exceptions for children with special needs. we have a high functioning one who comes to school every day because that works better for them. children who have a bad situation at home are also allowed to go to school, if child protective services and the school agree that's the better solution.

 

[Graphin]

Keep in mind that it doesn't seem like it's anybody here knows what his actual problem is or much about his life. I would not entrust any child to myself or really know what to do, but here it goes.

There is a major overlap between autism and adhd - symptoms, genetics, diagnosis rates, executive dysfunction, experiences. I got reminded of this by the fact that I saw much more complaints about online school in adhd communities than anywhere else. Regardless of whether this applies to him, adhd targeted resources are much more likely to actually cover "how to teach a teen who might legitimate issues to do excruciatingly boring stuff", problem being it is much more likely to have misinformation too or people who don't know anything about emotional dysregulation or executive dysfunction.

He is normally really great with these things, but lately his response has been: "I hate home school. I want to go to school."

A lot of the parenting techniques I know are from his experiences with ABA. I thought about starting a schedule for him to adhere to everyday.

He won't do anything I tell him to unless there is a punishment involved

Those seem like indications that all structure and organization and motivation he had was externally brought/forced on him and he may have never had the chance to learn it on his own. Even NTs crash on this. He expressed that he still wants to go to school. I don't think this is anything that can come in big steps regardless of what you do, and IMO even more important than school itself.

Now about recreational electronics as mentioned here, it might by far be not the issue, but I believe in making and average of 1-3 hours per day total (including tv and phone) normal, while keeping a similar amount of time free, as in actually needing to do an effort to find something to fill the time, out of the 24 hours with everything mandatory and work and potentially mental health stuff (special interests/extra work breaks/socializing/dependence on music) discounted. And adjust as going.
In terms time punishments / rewards, keep in mind that by perception negative reinforcement is much much stronger.
Now, I believe that this approach is useful, because while it gives an amount of time that doesn't feel very opressive, it still gives pressure to improve on how to make best use of the time one got, and also finding other things besides those to do. Then there's the opportunity to be more lenient on things like portal 2 over twitter. And it also means that you very much can and should discount activities from the recreational time with an educational factor or delayed gratification activities. Stuff like this would include watching movies in a foreign language that one is learning in class or game modding, make him get creative in justifying this but don't let him abuse it. Aim for making making a delayed gratification and mindful use the norm.