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Need help meeting a girl with mild asperger's

aKarj_

New Member
Hi, I'm a 15 year old guy and I've been chatting with this one girl since April. We've been planning to meet up and become a real couple for 7 months now but it's been really hard for her. She got a diagnosis for mild asperger's this Autumn and it's been torture for me. I love her and she says the same (I know it sounds dumb but I truly feel like it) but she goes into some kind of panic whenever we're supposed to meet. The distance isn't a problem, she lives a few miles from my house but we just can't meet up.

So basically I'm in love with a girl who I have no idea how to meet. She knows that I'm frustrated and I can't blame her for not being able to meet up. I totally love her but it's gotten to the point where she directly told me to leave her but she's literally the only thing I want from life right now. She's seen a psychologist a few times but wasn't given any actual tips on how to meet me. Are there any ways to make the meeting happen? I think about her for hours a day and it hurts bad to not be able to be with her.
 
I can understand how she probably feels as I've been in similar situations. Meeting is a totally different thing to talking online or even over the phone as she is leaving her familiar comfort zone. She most likely does want to meet, but will be suffering anxiety at the thought of travelling and meeting in person, probably mulling over all the things that could go wrong, E.g. you don't like her in person and/or she makes a fool of herself. If she sets a date she will probably suffer increased anxiety and worry as the date gets closer to the extent that she may start thinking that it would be easier and a great relief just to cancel, but then she'd feel awkward, guilty and may even hate herself for having to cancel, so instead of the risking all this she will just keep putting it off. If she did pluck up the courage to meet however, once she's there she would probably feel a lot better and even proud of herself for overcoming it.

It's a difficult one and you have to be careful not to pressure her about meeting too much as otherwise this could cause her anxiety too and she may even think that she could lose you if she doesn't meet, in other words you will need to be tactful and patient. She would probably feel a little more comfortable if she could at least meet somewhere familiar to herself that's not too far from her home. If this is still too difficult for her then it might not be ideal, but if she has a good friend that she really trusts, bringing them along too could also make her feel easier and perhaps this friend may even leave the 2 of you together once the initial anxiety of meeting in the first place has been overcome, if not you'd just have to put up with this on the first occasion, but then next time she may feel more comfortable in meeting you alone. I'd also plan to keep the first date short and simple so it's not so overwhelming for her, but you may find that once she meets you stay together longer.
 
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Yeah I know all of that already, people with asperger's have problems approaching people they're attracted to (she was given a link to a site with pretty good explanations for problems with dating when you have asperger's, I think that was on there). We've talked about the issue a lot so I know pretty well how she feels. I did this post just to get actual helpful concrete things I or her can do to make the meeting happen. Also sorry for my imperfect English, it's not my first language.
 
What is to prevent you from going to her house?

Maybe you 2 could text to each other.
She could look at you from a window.
 
What is to prevent you from going to her house?

Maybe you 2 could text to each other.
She could look at you from a window.
I disagree with going to someone's house, as she is a minor. Might want permission from parents first.

Skype works without the visual - if she is uncomfortable with that aspect.
 
I disagree with going to someone's house, as she is a minor. Might want permission from parents first.

Skype works without the visual - if she is uncomfortable with that aspect.

They are both 'minors.'
He's 15.
 
@tree I realize they are both 15. I still encourage strongly permission from adults before showing up at domicile.

Don't you suppose that's why I asked him
"What is to prevent you going to her house?"

But, he hasn't been back to say yet.
So I don't know.

I have no idea if the girl has even mentioned to her parents that
she has been talking to him online all this time.

That question was intended to draw from OP what the situation
is between him and the girl. Not a directive to go all stalker-y. :confused:
 
Give her time, and maybe try Skype as suggested. She most likely has some severe social anxiety, which I completely understand. Also, you could try the old fashioned way of writing her a letter, and telling her your thoughts.
 
I know this is rather farfetched, but in truth, there is no easy way around this; skype or face to face ie arranged, will cause anxiety attacks. Find out when she is going to be somewhere and "accidently" appear and that way, it will all be completely natural.

That is the problem with social media. For many of us, it is far easier to chat on line and some forget how to chat in "real time".

I used to get how pjcnet describes ( meeting the opposite sex) and then, there was no internet or devices ( not that old lol). In fact, I honestly not sure how I managed to go on a "date", but I did and would pace back and forwards afterwards, trying to pretend that it didn't matter what he thought of me, but when the "verdict" came back that he thought me amazing and would love to see me again, I would jump up and down, in pure joy and guess what? I was roughly the same age as you too, or just a tad older.

It is very true, that when we are attracted to a guy, it is VERY hard to be around them. Personally, I do not like the feelings of not being in control.
 
It seems moot point as she already (if I understand correctly) told you its over. Autism, even mild versions isn't something you can conquer. So next time if someone doesn't want to meet, don't push the point. As far as love goes, you are experiencing an early version. It will no longer bother you when enough time has passed or someone new interests you.
 
It seems moot point as she already (if I understand correctly) told you its over. Autism, even mild versions isn't something you can conquer. So next time if someone doesn't want to meet, don't push the point. As far as love goes, you are experiencing an early version. It will no longer bother you when enough time has passed or someone new interests you.
A lot of people say things they don't mean at the spur of the moment, especially when they're stressed, anxious or upset, for instance my Mum and Dad have rowed occasionally and said they were leaving each other on various occasions during their marriage, but they always sorted it out and have been together for close to 50 years so far, in fact it's rare for any couple not to have the occasional row when they often both say things they don't really mean.

Autism can't be totally conquered, but it is possible to cope with unwanted traits better over time and especially with the right support, just because meeting a possible love interest in person is causing her too much anxiety at the moment doesn't mean she won't learn to better handle it in future, but yes she can't be rushed or pressured.

I don't know for certain whether she truly meant that it's over, but I would advise the OP to give her some space for a few days and then test the situation by sending a friendly message that doesn't mention anything about meeting or whether it's over or not. If she doesn't reply I'd leave it a week and try once more, obviously if she really means it she has the option to ignore or even block messages if it's social media, if she blocks or makes it absolutely clear that she is no longer interested then obviously this must then be respected. If she does reply to the OP in a friendly manner I still wouldn't advise mentioning about meeting for a good while unless she brings it up and the OP must be very tactful if/when he eventually does.

I can understand how she must feel, but I can also understand how the OP must feel too wanting to take the relationship further after speaking to her since April and around 8 months will feel like long time when you're only in your mid teens. Also the feeling of love can feel very real even when you are younger than 15 and even though what you say about time passing maybe true, it's unlikely that the OP will be-able to see this at the moment. There are some people who meet someone very young and end up happily together for the rest of their lives however, but they are in my opinion very lucky, especially if it's their first ever relationship as they never have to experience the pain of breaking up which is something most people have to go through at some point, often on a number of occasions and it never really gets any easier.
 
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It doesn't seem so much that "it's over", to me,
as "it hasn't started."

Pressing the girl to do more than she wants is never a good idea.
 
@pjcnet I don't disagree with much that you say. Relationships are not an exact science. But there are certain lines not to cross. Once a person has gotten to the point of clearly stating it is over, you have to respect and accept that. Anything else is trying to control/dominate. One of the most important (and difficult) skills in love is knowing when to let go. But when you do it is not unheard of that they might return back to you.
 
Can she give you any reason for why she gets into a panic? Is she worried about her appearance? Is she worried about awkward silences? Could you tempt her out to something she really, really wants to do anyway - maybe something she really wants to do but can't find someone to do it with, so that's extra motivation because she's killing two birds with one stone (sorry, I don't mean to reduce your worth to a "stone"). I think my curiosity was huge in getting me to emerge into the world, even though I felt woefully awkward and unprepared for it. As a result of it, I have travelled more and explored more than most people who aren't even on the spectrum.

If she's worried about physical contact, you would need to reassure her about that, too.
 
why is such an old thread from an account that wasn't active for more than a day featured?
 

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