Need help figuring out how talk to my friends about our different political beliefs

[Ya Boi]

I know political discussions aren’t allowed here, but this issue has been bothering me for years and I figured I’d get better advice on here than on Reddit.

I have a group of friends from college that I regularly hang out with online. We have our own discord server, do voice calls, and play games together. It’s currently the only group I talk to or interact with regularly.

However, it became apparent to me early on that we differ greatly on our political views. They are extremely left leaning while I struggle with what mine are (which is a discussion worthy of its own post if it's allowed). This regularly isn’t a problem, but one thing that has bothered me is our different views on police. My dad was a cop, so I don’t like saying that all cops are bad. Meanwhile, all my friends fall squarely into the ACAB crowd and any time they get the chance to criticize cops, they’ll take it.

These conversations always make me feel uncomfortable and every time they come up I just stay silent, like I do whenever things get political and I don’t fully agree with them. They don’t know that I feel uncomfortable or that my dad was in law enforcement. I haven’t told them all these years because I’m scared of how they would react. I keep thinking that some or all of them would immediately hate me and either force me to change my views or kick me out of the group.

I feel like I need to get this off my chest, especially since we’re planning on watching a movie for Halloween that will likely bring back the criticism, but I’m not sure how to do it. Right now the best thing I can think of saying is “Guys, I know you have a lot of strong opinions on law enforcement, but my dad was in state police, and it makes me uncomfortable when you talk badly about them. I know I can’t change your minds and I’m not looking to change mine, but I would appreciate it if you kept those conversations to the politics channel or for times when I’m not around.” I’m also not sure when to say this because I don’t want to just say it out of the blue, but I’m not sure when the right time would be.

What should I do? Is what I plan to say ok? When would be the best time to bring this up? What do I do if they get upset?

 

[717]

in my opinion.

There will never be a good time to say that stuff you want to say.

your options are to ignore it when they talk about this topic, and find other groups where you can talk of politics and what not, and compartmentalize this way... Or alternatively you can just come clean, dont care about what they think and how they react and just come out for that Halloween party in a cop uniform.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I don't discuss politics with others. Very very rarely do I if I trust the person, but even then, I keep most of my views in my heart.

You see, the best way to change the world isn't in congress or city hall or the UN. The best way to save the world is starting small. Being kind and charitable towards those in your little circle of influence. And they'll get inspired, and do the same for others. Slowly, it'll move onward and outward. It's called the Butterfly Effect.

A political debate is the quickest way to lose a friendship. Especially when the media is purposely trying to divide people with vitriol towards whomever they decide is "the other side of the aisle".

So just be the one that says, "I don't really like talking about politics".

Ignore the news, ignore politics. Ignore that big messy machine that only exists to sell advertising.

Make a rule that you don't discuss politics with loved ones.

Be the mellow friend. They'll maybe find it refreshing.

 

[Outdated]

I think it would be better to be open and honest with your friends. You're at an age now where you're starting to realise that not everything in life is plain black and white and I assume most of your friends are around the same age. Most of us grow out of that "us and them" mentality at around your age.

I can explain a bit about the problems that can be created between communities and police and perhaps this is a discussion you can have with your mates.

When I was growing up in the 70s our local cop was a violent sociopath and the whole community was terrified of him. Whenever we saw his car driving down the street people would vanish. Bigger kids taught the younger ones how to not get noticed by him, how to disappear and hide if he ever did notice you, and how to curl up in to a ball and protect your vital organs if he ever got his hands on you.

He wasn't the only cop on the force like that, there were lots of them. Naturally though whenever there was a serious crime this hampered police investigations. It didn't matter who they asked questions of, all they got was the three wise monkeys - "Saw nothing. Heard nothing. Saying nothing." The whole community was afraid of police and resented their presence.

That all changed in the early 80s.

My state government realised the situation was completely out of control and that they had to do something about it. They took a leaf out of our military's playbook and introduced psychological screening of applicants with one simple aim - you don't give bullies a badge and a gun. They also put all of their existing police officers through the same screening and many lost their jobs.

The change in my community was palpable. At first it was really weird meeting police that were nice, it really took a couple of generations to turn community attitudes around but now most South Australians love our police and we reckon we have the best police force in the country. Whenever they go out on a foot patrol people are pleased to see them and go up and talk to them.

This is only in the state of South Australia though. The state of Victoria seems to have gone through a similar transition and they also have really good and very professional police. This is not true in the rest of the country. In South Australia and Victoria there have been no serious complaints of police brutality in decades but especially in Western Australia and the Northern Territory police brutality and deaths in custody are still very real problems.

 

[vergil96]

My dad was a cop, so I don’t like saying that all cops are bad. Meanwhile, all my friends fall squarely into the ACAB crowd and any time they get the chance to criticize cops, they’ll take it.

I think it's a perfectly polite way to put it. You can also express that in each occupation there are good and bad people, and while there are police officers who abuse their power, many are doing a job that is very much needed by citizens - protect them from criminals and stay on guard of safety and the society running smoothly (imagine nobody cared for traffic laws, for example, how disorganised and ineffective traffic would be).

Right now the best thing I can think of saying is “Guys, I know you have a lot of strong opinions on law enforcement, but my dad was in state police, and it makes me uncomfortable when you talk badly about them. I know I can’t change your minds and I’m not looking to change mine, but I would appreciate it if you kept those conversations to the politics channel or for times when I’m not around.”

I think it's a perfectly reasonable and polite way to frame your position.

When would be the best time to bring this up?

It would indeed be awkward to bring it up out of the blue, but I wouldn't worry too much about it. Awkwardness is a part of conversations Just say it whenever you want.

What do I do if they get upset?

At least it will be them getting upset, not only you and keeping it in all the time. People who say upsetting things don't have a license to do so without others expressing their minds about it.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

@Ya Boi... You are dealing with primal tribalistic behavior. In my experience... you're not going to have a logical, reasoned discussion with people on certain topics...not really. For whatever reasons, individuals will often seek out "their tribe" that seems to fit into their personal experience and outlook on life... it may be political and/or religious. Once that happens, they are in with a group of people, find comfort in confirmational bias, isolate themselves into their little information bubbles, and when they do their "research" it's always with a bias towards what they already believe. They have "their facts" and plenty of them to reinforce their beliefs.

If you show up and try to give them "your facts"...however true they may be... they will simply reject them... a self-defense mechanism, part of the fear response, and ego. Cognitive dissonance.

People, as individuals, are often open-minded, loving, caring, considerate, giving... but as soon as they become part of a group, the opposite often occurs... divisiveness, hate, cruelty. The ego seems to be an amplifier of evil... and when there is a group... a lot of egos with a collective consciousness... no good comes of it.

Many of us on the autism spectrum, for one reason or another, are naturally independent, out-of-the-box thinkers... and some have been marginalized to the periphery so that we are not welcome into certain groups. So whether imposed by ourselves or by others, as a subset of society, we are less inclined to be religious or political... and as such are more inclined to seek out truths in more openly-minded ways, in my opinion.

I am slowly learning that the best way to deal with people, in general, is to avoid negativity. Focus upon being kind. People are going to have their belief systems. We often have to lessen our grip upon our own egos and be OK with "not being right"... at least from the perspective of others. If you know that bringing up specific topics is only going to lead to a frustrating and painful confrontation... you have got to have the wisdom to just avoid those situations whenever possible. Nobody "wins" and argument.

 

[Judge]

There's a simple dynamic in play with such an issue. That while you may be intending to wisely retain the scope of your concern of local law enforcement, others with contrasting opinions are likely to expand the scope of such a discussion. Which will likely get you into a contentious ideological argument.

Don't go there. Not in part, not in whole. Or seek new friends with similar beliefs. Things are far too polarized politically on an unprecedented level, particularly in the USA.

 

[TBRS1]

The way to talk to people is by listening to them.

What you see or know is what you've seen and experienced.

What they see or know is what they've seen and experienced.

Neither has anything to say to the other until each has listened to the other.

 

[Dagan]

I may be of help, as I still do work in and for movies. My only close friends are exactly cinephile and/or musician folks. I have had this same situation numerous times. I simply choose (in their company) to only make conversation on different perspectives / metaphors that I think I found in said movie.

Let's take the movie, The Substance for example. I'm sure there's political metaphors in there, but I would rather mention others that I saw, and so, I'll only speak to those in conversation. I think the film metaphorically touched on the Ozempic craze, it touched on vicariously living through the youth of today (one's children, even) and that it touched on how plastic surgery can be an addiction. I just steer away from the political. If someone else wants to mention it, cool, and I won't dismiss their opinion...I just won't get into it. I'll basically say, "hmm...okay...yeah, I need to process that in with the other stuff I think is going on, too, and I'll get a bigger picture then." Chances are, that buys you time from conversation on it right away, and they likely will not ask you about it at a later time because surely there's some other movie that pops into conversation next time instead.

 

[Mary Terry]

I avoid talking about politics to most people, including people I really like but whose views are different from mine. It just isn't worth the effort at my age and stage of life.

I'm an attorney and have been subjected to the same attitude as your "friends" exhibit toward police officers. Many people hate attorneys until they need one, and then we're suddenly their best friend. It's the same for law enforcement.

Actually, my husband is experiencing something similar regarding his profession - he's a medical doctor. Doctors are being called stooges of Big Pharma with the message that only uneducated people who have never taken a science class in their lives know more about human health than trained, educated, experienced physicians.

 

[Shevek]

See if you can get right down to the basic assumptions on each side, which are never clearly stated because it feels like they are just human nature. However, nature sets the limits on our political opinion about as firmly as it does other inherited characteristics. This is to insure that there will always be some people around who are well suited to an expanding economy, sharing and cooperating when the crops are bountiful, and some who will survive hard times by hoarding and restricting any help to close relatives. You are playing out an eternal conflict that is as necessary as the governor that throttles an engine if it goes too fast. Neither side can win decisively because each new generation has the same mix, and culture is a weaker influence.

 

[Outdated]

I'm an attorney and have been subjected to the same attitude...

There's a phrase here often used to describe a person's character - All the social graces of a lawyer.

There's stereotypes for every facet of life, problems start when people believe them. The only way that gets broken down is when people step outside of their own little social bubble and start meeting real people instead of just listening to what their friends say. Many prefer the comfort of their own miseducated little bubble though. Ignorant by choice.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Ya Boi

Are you prepared to lose your entire friend group over this?
It doesn't seem highly likely, but is possible.

You need to know that with 100% certainty before you participate. But on the plus side, it will make planning easier.

 

[thejuice]

Wise move not asking Reddit .

It's a difficult one and very annoying for you. ACAB is a very juvenile and unnuanced take. Perhaps your friends were sucked in to novel, radical college politics. Perhaps they had a bad experience with a cop and have generalised it.
It's going to be challenging to control what people say in a discord server. People say a lot of annoying things online, I'm sure I annoy people too. Of course:

"Opinions are the cheapest commodities on earth"

I think it's not personal and your friends are regurgitating highly curated news. It's not reality, it's carefuly chosen and presented to advance an ideological agenda and it's profit or perish.

It's easy to criticise over comms whilst playing Fortnite in the '101st Chairborne Division'. What have they done for their community I wonder? They have no idea what it takes to be in law enforcement, no idea about the character of your Dad, they only see what the sensationalist news corporations decide to show them, or what their personalised social media algorithm throws up. It all conspires to make the shocking seem commonplace. They obviously dont show the cops on an average day, just doing their job. No one's going to click on a dispassionate list of mundane things that happen.
Label it misinformed, biased nonsense and skip over it.

I think you have a good chance of making a stand during a voice call or in person, because it's more personal. I think all you need to say is a short, sharp "My Dad was a cop" *PAUSE to let it linger in the air*. It might be awkward, but they'll realise what it implies. Personally I think fewer words will be more effective.

You might be pleasantly surprised by their change in behaviour, they might even apologise but try to be assertive and sound irritated so they respect your boundary in the future. Whatever happens, you always find out about someone's character when you go against the grain. If they dehumanise cops again in your company, you can safely assume they don't have a conscience and are not your friends.