selectivedetective
Well-Known Member
AS usual, I've come here with lots of thought and feelings spinning through me. Then wasn't sure where to post, or even what I wanted from posting. I think I'm used to writing this kind of thing in my diary, but as I've now found some understanding and supportive people, thought I would open it up a bit.
I'm single, with children, and had a pretty horrific relationship a few years ago. Since then I have had a couple of crushes on people, but no mutual interest has ever really been indicated. Before I had children and realised I probably had Aspergers, I could only socialise by drinking large amounts of alcohol, and then I would eventually find a man. Obviously this wasn't the best approach, and a lot of problems surfaced later.
These days I'm a lot more sensible, but also realise I am very bad at forming connections with people. I have taken up running, and this helps me feel strong, and stay healthy. I thought I might make friends through running, but I tend to turn up at groups, runs,and rarely say more than hello. I think I say hello to people;s dogs more often.
But there is one man I noticed when I first started doing weekly runs. The good thing here is that I haven't done anything embarrassing, but the bad thing is that I haven't really advanced at all. I started going to a local running club, partly because I thought he would be there, and he was. I have also mustered up the courage to start conversations with him, and he always keeps it going for a bit. It's not about much apart from running, but even that is quite a lot for me, without alcohol. After a run, I can sometimes be in a slightly better place for talking.
Recently I made the decision to try and forget about this man, as last time I spoke to him for a while, and even managed to squeeze in a bit of a joke, he seemed to get fed up first, and started doing his warming down exercises while I was talking. I said, "sorry, I'll let you do your warm downs" and went off.
But today, after a run, he came over to me in the café, and was so friendly, and I like him so much again. I did quite badly on the conversation front today though. I had just got over a burst of toothache, and wasn't prepared for talking. I was with my youngest son. My first mistake was, he came over and stood by the table with his coffee, and I remember briefly wondering if I should move my bag so he could sit down, but that seemed a big manouevre, and I really needed to put all my effort into just talking. I managed to ask him a few things, but when he asked me questions, I couldn't really think of what to say, even though they were appropriate questions and about running. When I can't think what to say -and it's sometimes that I can't be bothered to talk about that particular thing, sometimes confusion -then I end up looking down, and I know people just think I'm desperately shy, or bored. After a while he left. When we left 5 minutes later, I coudlnt see him in the other part of the café, so I really think he would have been happy to sit with us for a bit.
So now I'm beating myself up a bit. Was it really beyond me to ask him to sit down? Amazingly, I actually do feel quite comfortable talking to him, and would have loved him to sit there. It was the perfect time too, as my older sons weren't there and there were only 3 seats, so no one else would have joined us. I only see him about once a month at runs now, so I probably won't see him for a while, and we have never had a need to exchange numbers. Actually one reason I like him is that he isn't too into his technology and I've never seen him with a phone. I also like him because he is tall, a bit odd -right up my street, and intelligent. He's not the kind of man who tries to talks non stop or jokes all the time. He could be a bit Aspie too, but I doubt if he'd realise.
That's all really. I feel some excitement as we ran into each other again, but also a lot of frustration. On the alone bit, I feel very much ready for a partner right now, but wonder if I will ever get to that stage again. If I could only get someone through drinking, when I was younger, it feels as if there wont be much hope now.
I'm single, with children, and had a pretty horrific relationship a few years ago. Since then I have had a couple of crushes on people, but no mutual interest has ever really been indicated. Before I had children and realised I probably had Aspergers, I could only socialise by drinking large amounts of alcohol, and then I would eventually find a man. Obviously this wasn't the best approach, and a lot of problems surfaced later.
These days I'm a lot more sensible, but also realise I am very bad at forming connections with people. I have taken up running, and this helps me feel strong, and stay healthy. I thought I might make friends through running, but I tend to turn up at groups, runs,and rarely say more than hello. I think I say hello to people;s dogs more often.
But there is one man I noticed when I first started doing weekly runs. The good thing here is that I haven't done anything embarrassing, but the bad thing is that I haven't really advanced at all. I started going to a local running club, partly because I thought he would be there, and he was. I have also mustered up the courage to start conversations with him, and he always keeps it going for a bit. It's not about much apart from running, but even that is quite a lot for me, without alcohol. After a run, I can sometimes be in a slightly better place for talking.
Recently I made the decision to try and forget about this man, as last time I spoke to him for a while, and even managed to squeeze in a bit of a joke, he seemed to get fed up first, and started doing his warming down exercises while I was talking. I said, "sorry, I'll let you do your warm downs" and went off.
But today, after a run, he came over to me in the café, and was so friendly, and I like him so much again. I did quite badly on the conversation front today though. I had just got over a burst of toothache, and wasn't prepared for talking. I was with my youngest son. My first mistake was, he came over and stood by the table with his coffee, and I remember briefly wondering if I should move my bag so he could sit down, but that seemed a big manouevre, and I really needed to put all my effort into just talking. I managed to ask him a few things, but when he asked me questions, I couldn't really think of what to say, even though they were appropriate questions and about running. When I can't think what to say -and it's sometimes that I can't be bothered to talk about that particular thing, sometimes confusion -then I end up looking down, and I know people just think I'm desperately shy, or bored. After a while he left. When we left 5 minutes later, I coudlnt see him in the other part of the café, so I really think he would have been happy to sit with us for a bit.
So now I'm beating myself up a bit. Was it really beyond me to ask him to sit down? Amazingly, I actually do feel quite comfortable talking to him, and would have loved him to sit there. It was the perfect time too, as my older sons weren't there and there were only 3 seats, so no one else would have joined us. I only see him about once a month at runs now, so I probably won't see him for a while, and we have never had a need to exchange numbers. Actually one reason I like him is that he isn't too into his technology and I've never seen him with a phone. I also like him because he is tall, a bit odd -right up my street, and intelligent. He's not the kind of man who tries to talks non stop or jokes all the time. He could be a bit Aspie too, but I doubt if he'd realise.
That's all really. I feel some excitement as we ran into each other again, but also a lot of frustration. On the alone bit, I feel very much ready for a partner right now, but wonder if I will ever get to that stage again. If I could only get someone through drinking, when I was younger, it feels as if there wont be much hope now.
