My high-functioning autistic step son used to love me, now he hates me for no apparent reason

[Tom]

People dynamics don't always go the way we would wish. The autistic element is only part. A broken up family is another. You got to expect problems if you get into the middle of such things.

 

[Aspychata]

Thank you for reading this and for your answer. I do appreciate any feedback I can have that might help me understand this situation and maybe fix it.

I need some clarification from you just to make sure I have not misinterpreted your message. When you say I should walk away, are you suggesting I should leave the house and live somewhere else? Are you suggesting I should break up with my gf, or just move away? Or do you mean just not to bug my kid and let it be, while keeping my relationship?

Thank you again for your answer

l was hoping you would back off the relationship with the stepson, if he decides to let you enter in later then that is great. But you can force this relationship, put yourself in his shoes, there is a lot he is going through, just let him know you are there for him no matter what.

But you CAN'T force this relationship.

 

[Sillyman433]

Sorry you are having to deal with this. It's obvious you care a great deal about him and his mother.
Your step son is at a delicate age of confusion. I noticed he says you are 'too nice'. It's possible he resents that because he may wish his own father was nicer. Yes, it does sound like his father is trying to put some not so good stuff between you and his son - I would think that would be normal, him feeling like he doesn't want to be replaced. The more you try to fix that, it's possible to do harm in the process.

I also noticed you calling him 'son'. Do you refer to him as your son? Does he call you dad? Are you trying to get him to call you dad? I'm just asking that because it stood out to me. Being autistic I have a hard time accepting someone new into the family AS family. My kids were grown when I remarried. I remember an argument we had because he was upset that I didn't refer to his 13 year old granddaughter as my granddaughter. I tried to explain that being 13 and I'm basically a stranger to her she wouldn't like it and her true grandmother would resent it. Same with my family, he wasn't suddenly their dad, like he thought. And I strongly resent anyone referring to my kids or grandkids as theirs in any way because I'm the one who did the work. Anyhow, just wanted to point that out. I know you see these cases where the step child gives adoption papers and things to the step dad, but that's not usually the way it works out.

Don't beat yourself up, there's not much you can do to fix things here. Just continue to be the best of yourself and all you can do is let the cards fall where they may. You have no control over the situation.

Oh. have you talked to your girlfriend?

Thank you for your answer. He does not call me dad. I have occasionally called him my son in front of him, mostly to strangers, when doing any explaining would be out of place. I do always refer to him as my son in front of anybody, when he is not around. I just felt he might feel uncomfortable if I called him my son in front of anybody. I have told him one time he is like a son to me.

And yes, my gf and I talk about this all the time. We are concerned.

 

[BraidedPony]

The kid thinks that if you were gone mom and bio dad would get back together and live happily ever after. Of course this is a ridiculous thought to mature adults. But kids are kids.
Bio dad is probably fueling this belief in the boy just because the drama is entertaining to the cheating S.O.B.
I have no advice, this is way beyond my ability!

 

[Major Tom]

I was in a similar situation growing up, except it was always my mom and stepdad bad-mouthing my dad. It's torturous for a kid and hard to know what to believe.
It sounds to me like that is what could be happening with your step son. There is no real way to combat it, besides disproving the negatives in a non-combative way and letting him decide on his own that you are a good or bad person.

 

[Nauti]

Yes, I think the kid is conflicted. He doesn't WANT to like you. He wants to be loyal to his own dad.
I went through the same thing with my kid for years. I live with my bf and he has been in my kid's life since my son was 4, but my son has really tried to hate my guy because he wanted to stay loyal to his own dad.

He's 13 now and has finally accepted that my bf is a step father figure and not here to replace his dad, but to be another father figure/role model in his life.

My partner is a VERY strong willed but kind and honest man and my son is also extremely strong willed and very stubborn and contrary.

He (my son) has learnt to respect and feel secure with the honesty and boundaries and kindness that my bf shows him, but it's taken YEARS. He used to say he hates him and that he's scared of him and that he doesn't want him to parent him, but that was something I really didn't take too seriously. I would always stand strong in my support of both of them and be fair, but not take on a child's moods and attempts to manipulate.

I give my partner respect and we are very loving and happy as a couple, although we have had a few bad fights and yes, they do harm to children, so we hate fighting around him, actually we just hate fighting, in general, but we are human and we get upset occasionally and fight, like most couples.

Recently we attended a dinner party, for one of my older children, and (nearly) ALL of my children were there (I have 7) and both us parents, as well as my bf. It was a relaxed happy affair, although it has taken nine years since the break up of me and their dad, for us to do this.

There was a lot of bad feelings towards us, for many years, cultivated by their father, because I left, my ex abused me and I was going to not make it, if I stayed with him, but that didn't stop the narcissistic abuse.
A lot of my (then teenagers and young adults) kid's stayed in their dad's care.

So the dinner was a big deal and it was SO GOOD for my youngest son (the 13 year old, who lives with us) to see me and my guy and his dad all together and getting along. It makes it ok for him to not hate him, because my ex has had to accept that my new guy is not going away and he's also not trying to take over. My guy gave respect to my ex, saying "listen to your dad" to my kid, and
It's the right approach.

Treat their relationship with respect, even if it's not reciprocated, because he is the dad and that is his child. If your step kid and his dad realise you are not trying to come between them, or take over, things will become more relaxed.

It might take a long time, because your step son is likely immature and conflicted and confused and resenting you for it. He doesnt WANT to like you, because it feels like he is being disloyal to his dad. But keep being your loving, kind, supportive self and don't take it personally and try not to take it to heart, because it's to be expected as a common growing pain, in the logistics of blending a family.

My new partner and blending of the family has taken 9 years to become an accepted, ok thing, for my kid's and their dad.

And my kid can't help liking and respecting my guy, because my guy is caring, honest and fair with him, so it's good that he is a father figure, because his actual dad is a dishonest, druggy, immature and likely autistic guy (we are all autistic, but my ex has never dealt with his and he's not an honest person) so my kid is lucky to have a good dad figure in his life, because my kid wants nothing to do with drugs and doesn't have much of a relationship with his dad, as a result, anyway.

 

[Mary Lyn]

You cannot deal with this in normal ways if you are dealing with a pathological personality and the sooner you find out if this is so the better. Cluster B5 personalities are very very dangerous and wreak lives. I am not trying to diagnose him, l am just giving a warning.

The OP's claims that a once loving son has changed for no perceivable reason. Red flag.

 

[Sillyman433]

Hello everyone. I just wanted to let you know my girlfriend and I have read every comment in this thread, and are taking all suggestions into account. We are dealing with this the best we can. I feel somehow optimistic about it, in the long run, although I am not really sure why. Mostly a gut feeling

A big thank you to everyone who gave advice. I'll keep an eye on the forums and try to contribute with whatever I can.

Thank you again!

 

[Sillyman433]

Hello everybody. Just wanted to let you know my son and I are good friends again. It kind of happened overnight. Can't really figure out why he hated me so bad last year, but I'm just happy we're friends again, I just want to let it behind and focus on the new challenges we as a family have right now, which are tough. We are having a hard time with video games addiction! I'll start another thread on that right away, in case any of you is curious. Any advice and comment is precious to us.

Again, thank you all so much for your help!

 

[Schism]

From what I have read and your responses, you seem like a genuinely nice guy. You stuck it out in a difficult time & against advice. A lot of guys would have run.

I can get the 'hate on' with people for no apparent reason. It can take the smallest unconscious thing or a comment by someone else that gets me to back off. It's not real, just a protective response. I do think his father may have had an influence, just by comments dropped. "You're too nice" stands out. Remember, there's a difference in being a father and a Dad. Nature vs nurture. You recognise that?

The only point I really pick up on which would do my head in as a boy is that you refer to him as your 'son' but his mother is just your 'girlfriend'. All kids want stability.

As for the gaming, be part of it. Show him by example there's a time & place for it but real life comes first. It's a great bonding opportunity & most games have a moral kind of code. If they don't, choose better games ☺

 

[SDRSpark]

Edit: Just saw your update. Fantastic news!

@Sillyman433

Have a look at the father, with the help of your gf. Does he seems to have narcissistic traits?

If so he could be alienating his son from you and will probably sooner or later do the same with his mother. probably when he gets old enough to take him away from her. There is loads on the iternet about parental alienation and your gf should start keeping a dairy about what is going on for a future custody case. Bad luck sorry.

This.

But also...he's 11. He's growing, learning, changing and most importantly, entering puberty. All potential child alienation issues aside (and please do be on the lookout for that)...pubescent children are known to be unpleasant, and that's putting it mildly. LOL I remember what I was like at that age. There are endless jokes about teenage attitude for a reason. That's the age when kids start testing boundaries, testing your love for them, testing everything around them, and generally being not very nice people.

So aside from the child alienation issue, I wouldn't be too concerned. Just be aware that the "phase" may last longer than you would like.