My high-functioning autistic step son used to love me, now he hates me for no apparent reason

[Sillyman433]

Hello there. Thanks to anyone reading this thread for your attention.

The title of this first message pretty much summarizes my problem. I started a relationship with mi girlfriend some 4 years ago. She has a son. He was 7yo when we first met.

The father had cheated on my girlfriend and he moved away. He visits my step son three days a week. He used to make somewhat short visits and seemed to be worried about at what time he could leave, but now he seems to have broken up with his girlfriend, so he spends more time with my step son, a it is now quality time.

So, when I first met my step son we got along pretty well. I introduced him to Star Wars and the Avengers Film, and helped him out with setting up his computers to play videos games. We explored together how to make 3d animations with free software. He waited for me to get back from work and demanded my help and my attention. which I recall I always did happily.

When he turned 11 he started changing. He first became a bit verbally aggressive with his mother and I, ridiculing things we said, treating us as "dumb". I though it was a phase, I though we was just becoming more independent. On new year's day he seemed to be pissed of for having to spend time with us.

After past new year's day he mocked something I said and I felt he was being too disrespectful and I had to correct him. I talked strongly to him, and he felt really angry about it.

Since then things have gone downhill. He started talking to me, seems to despise me. He has latter even asked my girlfriend to have some other boyfriend. I have tried to talk to him, but he refuses any thing I say. I do not have much social skills myself, maybe I have not done it correctly.

When asked by his mother why does he suddenly not like me anymore he says things like "He's too positive", "He's always in a good mood".

About the same time my son started showing this behavior his father seems to have broken up with his girlfriend and spends more quality time with him. I feel he his heart is filled with love for his father now, and there is simply no room left for me. His relationship with my girlfriend has also become stronger, maybe because his attention is centered on her now and not divided between both of us.

So, I really do not understand what is going on, I'm hurting because of it. I do not want to represent me as a perfect person or anything, I must surely made some mistake I'm not aware of and I'm not describing here, but I really can not think of any. This problem seems to have completely destroyed my relation with my son, and is doing serious damage to me and my girlfriend. I would really appreciate any comments that might help me understand what's going on.

Thanks to anyone reading this. Hope this never happens to any of you.

 

[Aspychata]

Think it's better to let go and walk away. l ended up having to do it, but when something is outside of your control, it simply is and the mature thing is to accept it. The more you try to chase this, you will just end up frustrated, and the stepson will hate you.

 

[Sarah S]

First of all WELCOME to the forums

Second you remind me of the situation i was at his age as it was then my (now sadly departed dear ) Step dad came in me & my moms life ( but my dad wasent around tho he lived farther up north )

The first thing i would say is try to learn about what youre step sons diagnosis is all about

Also DONT blame youre self OR youre girlfriend and most defenetly NOT youre step son and even if you think he hates you i dare say NO he`s not .

Its just that well i can imagine in youre step sons mind he thinks maby if i get this guy away from mom dad and mom will get to gether again and i get both mommy and daddy back again.

Also what you need to keep in mind here is us with this diagnose are usely VERY good at manipulating and play mind games/ or create fractions between our parents and play them towards eatchoder ( And NO im NOT proud of what i did and it ended with my mom finally made the RIGHT desition and sent me to dad when i was 14 and pretty mush after we tried EVERYTHING to get this sorted out & ir´t was either my step dad or me that were leaving)

What you can do is as i said LEARN about what this diagnose is al about TALK to youre GF and try to leave youre stepson some slack (ie back of a bit and let HIM come back to you because the more you try to dominate him i can assure you he will fight back as i did the same ) NOT saying let him go wild and all that just try to be more CALM and GENTLE and perhaps FUN. And maybe in time he will again find you acceptable.

What you have to understand and accept is he HAS a reel dad and also his mom so in his mind i would say youre this new guy trying to take away his mom and youre not he`s dad

Steping in another family and become step parent is one the toughest things a person can ever do im afraid (ad to that a Autistic or multiple diagnosis son or daughter even worse ) BUT it CAN be done dear it only takes TIME and ALLOT of hard work from you both his parents AND if possible also his dad as he is after all the boys father.

Hope this helps some dear and the short version is DONT give up it CAN be done BUT it WILL take ALLOT of work from all you adults

 

[Mary Lyn]

@Sillyman433

Have a look at the father, with the help of your gf. Does he seems to have narcissistic traits?

If so he could be alienating his son from you and will probably sooner or later do the same with his mother. probably when he gets old enough to take him away from her. There is loads on the iternet about parental alienation and your gf should start keeping a dairy about what is going on for a future custody case. Bad luck sorry.

 

[Sillyman433]

Think it's better to let go and walk away. l ended up having to do it, but when something is outside of your control, it simply is and the mature thing is to accept it. The more you try to chase this, you will just end up frustrated, and the stepson will hate you.

Thank you for reading this and for your answer. I do appreciate any feedback I can have that might help me understand this situation and maybe fix it.

I need some clarification from you just to make sure I have not misinterpreted your message. When you say I should walk away, are you suggesting I should leave the house and live somewhere else? Are you suggesting I should break up with my gf, or just move away? Or do you mean just not to bug my kid and let it be, while keeping my relationship?

Thank you again for your answer

 

[Sillyman433]

First of all WELCOME to the forums

Second you remind me of the situation i was at his age as it was then my (now sadly departed dear ) Step dad came in me & my moms life ( but my dad wasent around tho he lived farther up north )

The first thing i would say is try to learn about what youre step sons diagnosis is all about

Also DONT blame youre self OR youre girlfriend and most defenetly NOT youre step son and even if you think he hates you i dare say NO he`s not .

Its just that well i can imagine in youre step sons mind he thinks maby if i get this guy away from mom dad and mom will get to gether again and i get both mommy and daddy back again.

Also what you need to keep in mind here is us with this diagnose are usely VERY good at manipulating and play mind games/ or create fractions between our parents and play them towards eatchoder ( And NO im NOT proud of what i did and it ended with my mom finally made the RIGHT desition and sent me to dad when i was 14 and pretty mush after we tried EVERYTHING to get this sorted out & ir´t was either my step dad or me that were leaving)

What you can do is as i said LEARN about what this diagnose is al about TALK to youre GF and try to leave youre stepson some slack (ie back of a bit and let HIM come back to you because the more you try to dominate him i can assure you he will fight back as i did the same ) NOT saying let him go wild and all that just try to be more CALM and GENTLE and perhaps FUN. And maybe in time he will again find you acceptable.

What you have to understand and accept is he HAS a reel dad and also his mom so in his mind i would say youre this new guy trying to take away his mom and youre not he`s dad

Steping in another family and become step parent is one the toughest things a person can ever do im afraid (ad to that a Autistic or multiple diagnosis son or daughter even worse ) BUT it CAN be done dear it only takes TIME and ALLOT of hard work from you both his parents AND if possible also his dad as he is after all the boys father.

Hope this helps some dear and the short version is DONT give up it CAN be done BUT it WILL take ALLOT of work from all you adults

Thank you so much for your answer. I was really informative, kind and gave me a bit of hope in a time I feel quite depressed about all this. I'll try to follow your advice. Thanks again!

 

[Sillyman433]

@Sillyman433

Have a look at the father, with the help of your gf. Does he seems to have narcissistic traits?

If so he could be alienating his son from you and will probably sooner or later do the same with his mother. probably when he gets old enough to take him away from her. There is loads on the internet about parental alienation and your gf should start keeping a dairy about what is going on for a future custody case. Bad luck sorry.

Thank you for your answer.

I think he does have narcissistic traits, as that way of thinking comes to me as the only explanation for cheating on my girlfriend for years and having a daughter in with some other woman and kept her hidden for years again. My girlfriend depicts him as egoistical and self-centered. Still, he is charming and proper all the time, and seems to be, at least externally, fundamentally a good guy who made some stupid mistakes.

My stepson, on the other hand, has sometimes fixed ideas, surely because of his condition. For example, he does hate my sister's puppy because "he's brown, and all brown puppies are bad". Nobody talked him into that. He might have started thinking like that when my aunt reprehend him about bugging the puppy.

So I really don't know if the father is alienating him. It could very well be, but since he does have a condition and his mind does work sometimes different from expected, I do not really know.

Thanks again for replying my message.

 

[Sillyman433]

Also, I must be fair and admit me and my girlfriend have had arguments when my step son was nearby, and sometimes the arguments have been bitter and have made us all suffer. It might happen once a month or less. I would expect this to be normal, I guess all couples have arguments. Most of the time we get along well and are happy to be together. But I have to mention this because it is a real fact, and it might point to my son just being defensive of his mother (although he has never said such thing).

 

[AloneNotLonely]

He's not your son.
Why worry about some other man's DNA?

If he prefers spending time with his father then who cares. None of your business. Who gets the kid is between your girlfriend and his father.

 

[Sarah S]

GLAD if i can be at any help my friend

ONE thing that strikes is he´s dad MAY actually have a Diagnose such as Asbergers him self actually perhaps ?

 

[Sarah S]

Also, I must be fair and admit me and my girlfriend have had arguments when my step son was nearby, and sometimes the arguments have been bitter and have made us all suffer. It might happen once a month or less. I would expect this to be normal, I guess all couples have arguments. Most of the time we get along well and are happy to be together. But I have to mention this because it is a real fact, and it might point to my son just being defensive of his mother (although he has never said such thing).

Yes this can defenetly be ONE of the factors that he now dont like you and the WORST you both can do is argue and or also raise youre voices in front of this boy dear so you both should try to NOT do this when he is around

 

[Sillyman433]

He's not your son.
Why worry about some other man's DNA?

If he prefers spending time with his father then who cares. None of your business. Who gets the kid is between your girlfriend and his father.

Thank you for your answer. I do not think of paternity in terms of DNA. For me, is about love and the relationship. I met him and developed a paternal relationship with him. For me that is enough to love him as a son, regardless of biology.

I do not want him to spend more or less time with his real dad, although at this moment I do feel jealous about that. But I do not want him spend less time with his father. I just don't understand why he changed. I miss him and I would like to be friends with him again. Also, I don't want this to destroy my relationship with my gf.

Thank you again for your answer.

 

[Sillyman433]

GLAD if i can be at any help my friend

ONE thing that strikes is he´s dad MAY actually have a Diagnose such as Asbergers him self actually perhaps ?

Thank you for your help.

He was diagnose in the autistic spectrum, but his diagnosis said something like "unspecified condition". He was not diagnose as Aspergers. He was diagnose as high-functioning autistic.

The diagnosis was a couple years back, maybe we should get another one...

 

[Sarah S]

Wouldn't surprise me if he also have some other diagnosis as well and the unspecified means they cant really specify the precise diagnose he has and they need MORE tests to find this out before a proper diagnose is able to be stated BUT as you also say he has been diagnosed ASD (same as me im only diagnosed ASD as well it means that he is within said ASD spectrum (ie former Asbergers / Autism and i cant for the life of me remember the 3 rd one ) and as he alrey have recently gotten ASD diagnose id say NAA dont waist time on that now.

Check this info out https://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/high-functioning-autism

it bacikly mean he has a MILDER form of ASD (formerly diagnose would possibly be Asperger )

 

[Mary Lyn]

Thank you for your answer.

I think he does have narcissistic traits, as that way of thinking comes to me as the only explanation for cheating on my girlfriend for years and having a daughter in with some other woman and kept her hidden for years again. My girlfriend depicts him as egoistical and self-centered. Still, he is charming and proper all the time, and seems to be, at least externally, fundamentally a good guy who made some stupid mistakes.

My stepson, on the other hand, has sometimes fixed ideas, surely because of his condition. For example, he does hate my sister's puppy because "he's brown, and all brown puppies are bad". Nobody talked him into that. He might have started thinking like that when my aunt reprehend him about bugging the puppy.

So I really don't know if the father is alienating him. It could very well be, but since he does have a condition and his mind does work sometimes different from expected, I do not really know.

Thanks again for replying my message.

Covert narcissists are harder to spot. They can be extremely charming. Your gf could look on the Facebook support groups for CN.

There are things you can do to counteract the brainwashing. Do not respond emotionally if he says bad things.Say for example 'Oh okay you think l am a jerk. Let's look at that. What do you think a jerk is? And what have l done that makes you come to that conclusion?' Develop critical thinking. Ànd display to him that you are not what he is being told about you. The gf needs to be doing a lot of this work.

Educate yourself on CN and perhaps getting in touch with a parental alienation clinic. Believe me, this is much better caught in the bud.

 

[Sarah S]

"Sillyman433, post: 595506, member: 21878"]Thank you for your answer. I do not think of paternity in terms of DNA. For me, is about love and the relationship. I met him and developed a paternal relationship with him. For me that is enough to love him as a son, regardless of biology.

" WELL spoken "

I do not want him to spend more or less time with his real dad, although at this moment I do feel jealous about that. But I do not want him spend less time with his father. I just don't understand why he changed. I miss him and I would like to be friends with him again. Also, I don't want this to destroy my relationship with my gf.

" What you HAVE to accept is that he WILL and NEED to be apart of he`s sons life dear simple as that so feeling jealous will NOT go the right way here like or not HE is the boys reel father & youre GF is the co parent to his dad and they BOTH need to be involved "

 

[Mary Lyn]

Do not argue in front of son or learn how to do it in undestructive ways.

 

[Mary Lyn]

The ex might be planning on getting rid of you to get your gf back. It is the last thing she should do. She will be suffering from the psychological abuse.

 

[Pats]

Sorry you are having to deal with this. It's obvious you care a great deal about him and his mother.
Your step son is at a delicate age of confusion. I noticed he says you are 'too nice'. It's possible he resents that because he may wish his own father was nicer. Yes, it does sound like his father is trying to put some not so good stuff between you and his son - I would think that would be normal, him feeling like he doesn't want to be replaced. The more you try to fix that, it's possible to do harm in the process.

I also noticed you calling him 'son'. Do you refer to him as your son? Does he call you dad? Are you trying to get him to call you dad? I'm just asking that because it stood out to me. Being autistic I have a hard time accepting someone new into the family AS family. My kids were grown when I remarried. I remember an argument we had because he was upset that I didn't refer to his 13 year old granddaughter as my granddaughter. I tried to explain that being 13 and I'm basically a stranger to her she wouldn't like it and her true grandmother would resent it. Same with my family, he wasn't suddenly their dad, like he thought. And I strongly resent anyone referring to my kids or grandkids as theirs in any way because I'm the one who did the work. Anyhow, just wanted to point that out. I know you see these cases where the step child gives adoption papers and things to the step dad, but that's not usually the way it works out.

Don't beat yourself up, there's not much you can do to fix things here. Just continue to be the best of yourself and all you can do is let the cards fall where they may. You have no control over the situation.

Oh. have you talked to your girlfriend?

 

[Mary Lyn]

No the father is abusing him if l am correct. He should only have supervised contact if he is brainwashing.