Back in December I had a 30 minute free appointment with my new therapist. She described EMDR and we discussed a few bits briefly.
On 10th January we had our first hour long appointment. She charges £100 an hour, so I was a little wary how long this would be financially viable. But supposedly the average duration for EMDR therapy is around 10-12 sessions. We'll be doing them once a week. I'd debated doing it once every 2 weeks. But I'd rather get this done in a timely fashion.
The first session was a chronological overview of my life, with me focusing on earliest memory and then working forwards. Discussing key memories, events, traumas, relationships with family, friends, partners. Along with discussing my mental health and lack thereof.
Yesterday was our first EMDR session. Instead of eye movements, she uses little hand held devices that vibrate. It alternates between left hand then right, which activates the different sides of the brain. She first asked me to focus on the trauma, and the picture of that past event which felt most traumatic. Then the feeling and belief I attached to it - which was that I was unworthy. Then she asked me to "stay with that" then started the vibrating devices and asked me to focus on what I felt internally - which for me was a lot of visual images and a story began. Then she stopped the devices, asked me to verbalise what I was feeling, sensing or seeing. Then what I verbalised she told me to "stay with that" again, and began the devices. This process alternated for 45 mins or so.
The trauma was my earliest memory of a traumatic event. I was about 4 years old. We were at a friends how and I suddenly panicked and fouled myself. I was quite mortified and went to the living room at this friend's house where my mum and her friend were. I told my mum that I'd done a number 2 in my pants and she looked angry and embarrassed. She scorned me and told me told me to go sort myself out. She didn't even get up to see if I was ok or needed help. She just wanted to carry on talking with her friend.
This hit home quite hard. I went to her expecting help and love, and what I got was anger. That glare she gave me... ach. It's one I've seen many a time.
We began the session and I was taken on a vivid visual journey. At one point I visualised a sea gull flying along a cliff side with rough seas below and I burst into tears. In fact, thinking about it now is making me feel tearful. The visualisation and break from vibrating devices continued. Then after 5 or 10 minutes she asked me to go back to the traumatic memory - that was not me going to my mum to ask for help. But me having to unload my pants in the toilet and attempt to clean myself up as best as I could. I felt a lot of shame and unworthiness in that moment.
Each time we went back to that image it became more and more distant. It was harder to visualise in my mind's eye and each time we returned the emotions weren't as intense. By the end of the session my visual journey was becoming one of feeling free, and when we returned one last time to the traumatic memory - I no longer felt unworthy, and I realised that I was worthy, and that I did the best that I could do. My mum's refusal to help me in my time of need was no reflection on me.
She said I did very well and that we'll revisit that memory at the start of the next session, but it feels like it's processed. When I picture it now, I don't feel the negative emotions towards it. By that I mean, negative emotion towards myself. I still believe she should've helped me, but I also know that blame isn't healthy.
Still, it is what it is. In an ideal world she would've helped me, rather than have me poorly attempt to clean myself up, and then have to spend hours at the house in filthy underwear. Interestingly enough I can't recall how the rest of that day went at my friends, as the memory was fouling myself, asking for help, then having to try and tidy up.
She said we'll try and go in chronological order and focus on the next closest traumatic event in our next session. There's been various examples of this growing up. Where I went to her expecting care and safety and she just seemed p'd off that I'd even attempted to do so.
Onwards and upwards.
Ed
On 10th January we had our first hour long appointment. She charges £100 an hour, so I was a little wary how long this would be financially viable. But supposedly the average duration for EMDR therapy is around 10-12 sessions. We'll be doing them once a week. I'd debated doing it once every 2 weeks. But I'd rather get this done in a timely fashion.
The first session was a chronological overview of my life, with me focusing on earliest memory and then working forwards. Discussing key memories, events, traumas, relationships with family, friends, partners. Along with discussing my mental health and lack thereof.
Yesterday was our first EMDR session. Instead of eye movements, she uses little hand held devices that vibrate. It alternates between left hand then right, which activates the different sides of the brain. She first asked me to focus on the trauma, and the picture of that past event which felt most traumatic. Then the feeling and belief I attached to it - which was that I was unworthy. Then she asked me to "stay with that" then started the vibrating devices and asked me to focus on what I felt internally - which for me was a lot of visual images and a story began. Then she stopped the devices, asked me to verbalise what I was feeling, sensing or seeing. Then what I verbalised she told me to "stay with that" again, and began the devices. This process alternated for 45 mins or so.
The trauma was my earliest memory of a traumatic event. I was about 4 years old. We were at a friends how and I suddenly panicked and fouled myself. I was quite mortified and went to the living room at this friend's house where my mum and her friend were. I told my mum that I'd done a number 2 in my pants and she looked angry and embarrassed. She scorned me and told me told me to go sort myself out. She didn't even get up to see if I was ok or needed help. She just wanted to carry on talking with her friend.
This hit home quite hard. I went to her expecting help and love, and what I got was anger. That glare she gave me... ach. It's one I've seen many a time.
We began the session and I was taken on a vivid visual journey. At one point I visualised a sea gull flying along a cliff side with rough seas below and I burst into tears. In fact, thinking about it now is making me feel tearful. The visualisation and break from vibrating devices continued. Then after 5 or 10 minutes she asked me to go back to the traumatic memory - that was not me going to my mum to ask for help. But me having to unload my pants in the toilet and attempt to clean myself up as best as I could. I felt a lot of shame and unworthiness in that moment.
Each time we went back to that image it became more and more distant. It was harder to visualise in my mind's eye and each time we returned the emotions weren't as intense. By the end of the session my visual journey was becoming one of feeling free, and when we returned one last time to the traumatic memory - I no longer felt unworthy, and I realised that I was worthy, and that I did the best that I could do. My mum's refusal to help me in my time of need was no reflection on me.
She said I did very well and that we'll revisit that memory at the start of the next session, but it feels like it's processed. When I picture it now, I don't feel the negative emotions towards it. By that I mean, negative emotion towards myself. I still believe she should've helped me, but I also know that blame isn't healthy.
Still, it is what it is. In an ideal world she would've helped me, rather than have me poorly attempt to clean myself up, and then have to spend hours at the house in filthy underwear. Interestingly enough I can't recall how the rest of that day went at my friends, as the memory was fouling myself, asking for help, then having to try and tidy up.
She said we'll try and go in chronological order and focus on the next closest traumatic event in our next session. There's been various examples of this growing up. Where I went to her expecting care and safety and she just seemed p'd off that I'd even attempted to do so.
Onwards and upwards.
Ed
Last edited: