My boyfriend keeps getting upset with me for unexpected reasons.

[sararini]

I'm sorry, I just need to vent, and I don't know where else I can go with this sort of thing. It just seems like my boyfriend of one year, who has asperger's, is always upset with me over something lately, and I'm starting to feel so worn down and lost.

Today's example: my boyfriend and I live in apartments that are right next to each other. Every Sunday, he deep cleans his apartment. I woke up this morning to him texting me asking if he could borrow my vacuum cleaner later, and then asked if I would come over and keep him company. I agreed and went over, still pretty much half asleep. He asked if I'd be willing to help him wipe down light switches and stuff. I agreed. No problem.

Some time passed, we talked while he cleaned, I helped him move things when he asked. He got ready to start mopping the floors, and mentioned that I might want to leave because of the fumes. I decided that it would be a good time for me to go home and have breakfast and such anyway.

I went home, ate breakfast, and took a shower. I went over an hour later to bring him the vacuum. He and his brother were moving things around and stuff, and I just felt like I was in the way, so I asked him if he wanted me to stay or if I should just come back later. He told me to come back later. I thought everything was fine.

He brought me back the vacuum like half an hour later and asked me to come over to his apartment. I took the vacuum inside, finished up what I was doing, and went over to his place. Turns out he needed to run an errand for a friend, so there was no point in me going up to his apartment. I walked with him back down the stairs, and as I was about to return to my apartment, he asked if I remembered the 'tasks' he'd asked for me to do that day, one being bringing the vacuum, the other helping him clean the light switches. I was confused, I agreed and said I remembered.

He left before I had a chance to continue the conversation, but I felt like he was angry with me over it. When he got back home, I asked if he wanted me to come over or if I should just stay home, since I felt like he was mad at me. He said he was more hurt than anything, and that I should stay home. He hasn't said anything since.

I didn't try to explain my side, I just feel like it makes things worse when I try. But I would have been happy to help him with the cleaning if he'd just asked when I was there. I asked if he wanted me to stay, but he told me to go home and come back later...

I don't know what to do. I want so badly to be able to spend time with him, but he keeps getting upset with me for things I can't predict predict. I've hardly seen him lately and it hurts. It just feels like he doesn't want me around anymore, but I guess that's just the irrational, insecure side of my brain. But I miss him, I want to be able to spend time with him, and I'm trying to do good in this relationship, but everything I do wrong just takes me by surprise, and I feel like nothing is ever resolved.

 

[Fino]

Does he ever idealize you?

 

[sararini]

I think he might. I know we had some issues throughout the relationship, he had these ideas of what kind of person I was, and when I didn't react in a way he expected, or told him something about myself he wouldn't think was true or went against what he thought he knew, he would get upset and distant.

 

[Sarah S]

I take it as youre BF is on the spectrum ?

And if so im sad to say based on how this is making you feel perhaps its time to consider leaving him dear

IF he is on the spectrum being involved with a person thats in this spectrum is probably one of the toughest position to be in for a Non spectrum person im afraid. And based on how you state you feel about all this its time for YOU to think is this what you whant out of a relationship and also CAN you accept living under this conditions ? NOT saying just leave he`s not worth it BUT what im saying is he will NOT likely change dear & you must also count in how YOU feel and how he`s behavior make you feel

 

[Tom]

Being on the spectrum I do tend to take the things I like (or dislike) further then usual. For example, at one point I decided I liked house plants and before long had 70 of them. I also had an on and off like for cleaning. It took a while to understand this was me being unusual and how to see things clearly as far as I integrated with others. Not having unreasonable expectations for instance.

So the relationship/learning process with a ASD person is liable to be bumpy. As far as that goes I suggest you do not give in or support unreasonable behavior. He has to learn what it is and how to modify it to come to harmony. I do suggest you allow his interests/activities when they aren't hurting anything. It's often a case of compromising, setting limits or boundries that are mutually decided and livable.

For instance, with cleaning he should not normally expect or ask anything of you in his apartment. You have your own to take care of. Asking you to help with some 2 person job is ok if its once in a while, not if its part of the routine. Nor should he eat up too much time with it. For instance if day X is normally a day for you to be together, then he shouldn't spend it cleaning. On the other hand you shouldn't expect him to be with you every free moment, as he does probably need time alone (most Aspies do) and some time to indulge his drives.

But this is just mechanics. As far as does he like or value you, who knows? We aren't clairvoyant. But in this too don't let his being on the spectrum be an excuse for poor behavior.

 

[All-Rounder]

I relate very much with you, I used to be afraid to say or do anything because of my aspie's reaction to it. I feel he cares about you but he needs to work on his behavior and you have to tell him how you feel about things, and suggest he meets you halfway. You have to do your best to not over walk on eggshells and think too much about it, you seriously need time for yourself to recover from this state and stress, so you have to do things that take your mind off, otherwise your health may suffer badly, mine did. Please put your health in priority, i feel it will take time for him to change and he will hurt you for some time. You best talk to friends and go out to feel better every day, unless you want someone else.

He might leave you if you stand up for your needs and talk to him thoroughly about it without giving up, but its absolutely necessary.

 

[sararini]

I take it as youre BF is on the spectrum ?

And if so im sad to say based on how this is making you feel perhaps its time to consider leaving him dear

IF he is on the spectrum being involved with a person thats in this spectrum is probably one of the toughest position to be in for a Non spectrum person im afraid. And based on how you state you feel about all this its time for YOU to think is this what you whant out of a relationship and also CAN you accept living under this conditions ? NOT saying just leave he`s not worth it BUT what im saying is he will NOT likely change dear & you must also count in how YOU feel and how he`s behavior make you feel

Yes, he has Asperger's. I don't think I should leave him over this. He's incredibly important to me, and vice versa. If it comes down to it, maybe I just need to learn to not get my feelings hurt so easily. I am extremely sensitive. He says he feels like he can't talk to me anymore because I get upset too easily. I just have a hard time handling it when I feel like people are angry with me, especially when I don't understand why.

Being on the spectrum I do tend to take the things I like (or dislike) further then usual. For example, at one point I decided I liked house plants and before long had 70 of them. I also had an on and off like for cleaning. It took a while to understand this was me being unusual and how to see things clearly as far as I integrated with others. Not having unreasonable expectations for instance.

So the relationship/learning process with a ASD person is liable to be bumpy. As far as that goes I suggest you do not give in or support unreasonable behavior. He has to learn what it is and how to modify it to come to harmony. I do suggest you allow his interests/activities when they aren't hurting anything. It's often a case of compromising, setting limits or boundries that are mutually decided and livable.

For instance, with cleaning he should not normally expect or ask anything of you in his apartment. You have your own to take care of. Asking you to help with some 2 person job is ok if its once in a while, not if its part of the routine. Nor should he eat up too much time with it. For instance if day X is normally a day for you to be together, then he shouldn't spend it cleaning. On the other hand you shouldn't expect him to be with you every free moment, as he does probably need time alone (most Aspies do) and some time to indulge his drives.

But this is just mechanics. As far as does he like or value you, who knows? We aren't clairvoyant. But in this too don't let his being on the spectrum be an excuse for poor behavior.

Thank you for the advice! I just don't understand what can be deemed as unreasonable behavior vs what I have to leave alone and just accept that it's the way he is. I have no problem with his interests and activities, I don't think any of them bother me. That may change once we live together, if he expects to me clean as intensely as he does.

We talked some more last night, and the reason he asked me to help was that he's in a lot of pain right now, he has been for a while. He has issues with his leg and back, not entirely sure what's going on with it yet but he should have some kind of answers soon. But I didn't realize that that was why he was asking me for help, and he asked me to help him clean the switches and such, so I thought we would be working on them together, so I was waiting for him to start cleaning them and tell me what to do. He apparently expected me to just start cleaning them whenever, but I thought he would tell me when I should do it, and we would do it together...Does that make sense?

He told me last night that he took the fact that I went home and ate and showered as not seeing him as a priority, so he feels like I don't care about helping him and says he won't ask me for help anymore. This really hurts me, and no matter how much we talked last night, I couldn't get him to see my side. I just thought he would tell me when to do it. I'm kind of shy about doing things in his house, I guess, I'm not really able to just go do something unless he explicitly tells me to. I thought he understood this by now.

He says this is all just a communication issue, and that he's working on it. He sees a therapist/counselor and recently started seeing a communication therapist. He feels like he's putting effort into the relationship but I'm not, and he doesn't like the fact that I'm not seeing a therapist or anything (although I do go with him to his regular therapist most of the time).

What really bothered me about what happened is that after the whole cleaning incident, I didn't get to see him at all for the rest of the day. I feel like I barely get to see him lately, and I was excited to get to spend time with him, but then I got pushed away for something I didn't even understand.

I don't question whether or not he loves me. He's had many romantic partners throughout his life, but he says that I'm the first one he's actually in love with. I guess when things are going bad, I do worry that he's going to decide the relationship's not worth the trouble and break up with me.

I relate very much with you, I used to be afraid to say or do anything because of my aspie's reaction to it. I feel he cares about you but he needs to work on his behavior and you have to tell him how you feel about things, and suggest he meets you halfway. You have to do your best to not over walk on eggshells and think too much about it, you seriously need time for yourself to recover from this state and stress, so you have to do things that take your mind off, otherwise your health may suffer badly, mine did. Please put your health in priority, i feel it will take time for him to change and he will hurt you for some time. You best talk to friends and go out to feel better every day, unless you want someone else.

He might leave you if you stand up for your needs and talk to him thoroughly about it without giving up, but its absolutely necessary.

This has been an issue in the relationship pretty often, I never know what's going to upset him. For example, a week or two ago we had an issue where he got upset with me for wanting to stay home when I'm sick. I told him I don't want to be around anyone when I'm not feeling well, I just like to be alone, and he took it as me saying he's just like anyone else and therefore I must not love him. I was so frustrated, I was sick, I could barely speak, and I was having to argue with him about me wanting to stay in bed has nothing to do with not loving him.

Anyway, he's seeing a therapist and an occupational therapist and says that he's working on communication, and he believes that that's what all the issues boil down to. With what happened yesterday, he expected me to just start cleaning whatever, but I didn't realize, I thought we were going to work on the things he mentioned together, so I thought he would tell me when to start doing it. Then he took me going home and showering and eating breakfast as not seeing helping him as a priority, which isn't how I was thinking at all. I thought I could help him when I got back, but then he just sent me home. He says he's not going to ask me for help anymore and I hate that so much, it hurts, I want to be able to do things for him and help him but now he feels like there's no point in even asking.

I don't really have friends to talk to, hence trying to find people online to talk to about it, haha. The rational part of my brain feels like he's not going to leave over this, but a big part of me worries that he's going to decide that the relationship's just too much trouble and he will leave. And I can't prevent that, because I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.

 

[Fino]

Yeah, he sounds like me.

You're likely not doing anything wrong. I think it has mostly to do with his unreasonable expectations, looking to you to fill in more than another person is meant to fill in.

Maybe going with him to therapy once or more might help?

He has to learn to question his conclusions, such as the thing about you being sick, and think more about these things before he responds to you with them.

Then if he does feel the need to talk to you about it, he should learn to do it in a quiet, diplomatic manner that isn't accusatory but instead is simply opening up a discussion about something that's bothering him that may or may not be rational that perhaps you could help him with. Then when you do express your opinion on the matter, he should accept that it's your thought and ponder it before responding again. Rashness and emotion is the enemy.

I've destroyed many relationships with his exact behavior, I know just how he feels, and it's hard for him and hard to stop. But if you guys can't work together to have this behavior taken under control then it's just going to get worse and worse until his emotional abuse drives you to the point of, "I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore," at which point he will freak out.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

Yes, he has Asperger's. I don't think I should leave him over this. He's incredibly important to me, and vice versa. If it comes down to it, maybe I just need to learn to not get my feelings hurt so easily. I am extremely sensitive. He says he feels like he can't talk to me anymore because I get upset too easily. I just have a hard time handling it when I feel like people are angry with me, especially when I don't understand why.




Thank you for the advice! I just don't understand what can be deemed as unreasonable behavior vs what I have to leave alone and just accept that it's the way he is. I have no problem with his interests and activities, I don't think any of them bother me. That may change once we live together, if he expects to me clean as intensely as he does.

We talked some more last night, and the reason he asked me to help was that he's in a lot of pain right now, he has been for a while. He has issues with his leg and back, not entirely sure what's going on with it yet but he should have some kind of answers soon. But I didn't realize that that was why he was asking me for help, and he asked me to help him clean the switches and such, so I thought we would be working on them together, so I was waiting for him to start cleaning them and tell me what to do. He apparently expected me to just start cleaning them whenever, but I thought he would tell me when I should do it, and we would do it together...Does that make sense?

He told me last night that he took the fact that I went home and ate and showered as not seeing him as a priority, so he feels like I don't care about helping him and says he won't ask me for help anymore. This really hurts me, and no matter how much we talked last night, I couldn't get him to see my side. I just thought he would tell me when to do it. I'm kind of shy about doing things in his house, I guess, I'm not really able to just go do something unless he explicitly tells me to. I thought he understood this by now.

He says this is all just a communication issue, and that he's working on it. He sees a therapist/counselor and recently started seeing a communication therapist. He feels like he's putting effort into the relationship but I'm not, and he doesn't like the fact that I'm not seeing a therapist or anything (although I do go with him to his regular therapist most of the time).

What really bothered me about what happened is that after the whole cleaning incident, I didn't get to see him at all for the rest of the day. I feel like I barely get to see him lately, and I was excited to get to spend time with him, but then I got pushed away for something I didn't even understand.

I don't question whether or not he loves me. He's had many romantic partners throughout his life, but he says that I'm the first one he's actually in love with. I guess when things are going bad, I do worry that he's going to decide the relationship's not worth the trouble and break up with me.



This has been an issue in the relationship pretty often, I never know what's going to upset him. For example, a week or two ago we had an issue where he got upset with me for wanting to stay home when I'm sick. I told him I don't want to be around anyone when I'm not feeling well, I just like to be alone, and he took it as me saying he's just like anyone else and therefore I must not love him. I was so frustrated, I was sick, I could barely speak, and I was having to argue with him about me wanting to stay in bed has nothing to do with not loving him.

Anyway, he's seeing a therapist and an occupational therapist and says that he's working on communication, and he believes that that's what all the issues boil down to. With what happened yesterday, he expected me to just start cleaning whatever, but I didn't realize, I thought we were going to work on the things he mentioned together, so I thought he would tell me when to start doing it. Then he took me going home and showering and eating breakfast as not seeing helping him as a priority, which isn't how I was thinking at all. I thought I could help him when I got back, but then he just sent me home. He says he's not going to ask me for help anymore and I hate that so much, it hurts, I want to be able to do things for him and help him but now he feels like there's no point in even asking.

I don't really have friends to talk to, hence trying to find people online to talk to about it, haha. The rational part of my brain feels like he's not going to leave over this, but a big part of me worries that he's going to decide that the relationship's just too much trouble and he will leave. And I can't prevent that, because I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.

I agree with Sarah S. You must be a wonderful caring person. I dont know 100% about you guys so i'm probably wrong.. I know you do love him, however, just be careful.. just remember that...

- you're not his cleaner
- you're not his caregiver
- you're not his mother

It seems that he's expecting you to do the above roles, without complaining. You don't have to do them. Asking you to come, just to clean his house, by yourself? Imagine when you get married, are you okay with doing all the work alone? If you really like doing housework alone, it's fine then. But, you DONT HAVE TO dumb down yourself. This is very important..

- You don't need to dumb down yourself
- You don't need to live like walking on egg shells

Another are..
- Yes, it's sometimes (?) difficult to discuss with him. I can understand why you didn't want to explain to him. Sometimes i feel like it's better to keep quiet rather than having it escalates to debate. But is this hurting you? If yes, remember, you don't need to dumb down yourself. You matter.

- I think it's difficult for him to change.. unless the change is initiated by himself, depending on what kind of change.. if personality or way of thinking, I don't think it'll change much..
- It's great that he's seeing a therapist and working on his communication. Is it an Asperger/autism specialist? ..maybe this'll give some hope.. I don't know..

- Don't worry too much about whether he'll leave you or not.. it should be the opposite.
- Be careful not to be a doormat, no matter how much you love him..
- Go have fun with other family/friends/by yourself too

You remind me of my younger self. If I can meet my past self, I'll urge her to be stronger.. insecurity clouds our judgement. Sorry if I sound too patronizing.

And yes, i think most people don't understand the relationship dynamics with an aspie.. we see mostly normal couples nearby.. Hope you're okay.. how's your day today..?

 

[sararini]

Yeah, he sounds like me.

You're likely not doing anything wrong. I think it has mostly to do with his unreasonable expectations, looking to you to fill in more than another person is meant to fill in.

Maybe going with him to therapy once or more might help?

He has to learn to question his conclusions, such as the thing about you being sick, and think more about these things before he responds to you with them.

Then if he does feel the need to talk to you about it, he should learn to do it in a quiet, diplomatic manner that isn't accusatory but instead is simply opening up a discussion about something that's bothering him that may or may not be rational that perhaps you could help him with. Then when you do express your opinion on the matter, he should accept that it's your thought and ponder it before responding again. Rashness and emotion is the enemy.

I've destroyed many relationships with his exact behavior, I know just how he feels, and it's hard for him and hard to stop. But if you guys can't work together to have this behavior taken under control then it's just going to get worse and worse until his emotional abuse drives you to the point of, "I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore," at which point he will freak out.

Unreasonable expectations - that makes a lot of sense. And I agree, he needs to question his conclusions, but he can't seem to see that. He says when I ask him not to react these ways, he says that's who he is, that he can't change it, and that by asking him to do that I'm pretty much asking him to kill himself, as that's the only way he can stop. Hearing him say that was devastating, and probably caused more pain than anything else recently, as I worry about him committing suicide, and I don't want it to be, in a way, because of me.

I have gone with him to therapy a few times, but I don't think his therapist is very good or is very much help at all, but maybe I'm not a good judge of that. But I feel like we haven't talked about these issues much or at all. I haven't been able to go to the therapy sessions very much lately due to being sick, but I'm hoping next week maybe we can talk about it, but it's doubtful. I feel like my boyfriend wouldn't even want to talk about it at this point. He mentioned it vaguely during the last session, but only describing it as 'someone lying about' helping him, and I didn't lie, so man, that hurts.

He doesn't seem to really listen to my side of things, he just repeats his view of the situation, he won't seem to believe my side.

I agree with Sarah S. You must be a wonderful caring person. I dont know 100% about you guys so i'm probably wrong.. I know you do love him, however, just be careful.. just remember that...

- you're not his cleaner
- you're not his caregiver
- you're not his mother

It seems that he's expecting you to do the above roles, without complaining. You don't have to do them. Asking you to come, just to clean his house, by yourself? Imagine when you get married, are you okay with doing all the work alone? If you really like doing housework alone, it's fine then. But, you DONT HAVE TO dumb down yourself. This is very important..

- You don't need to dumb down yourself
- You don't need to live like walking on egg shells

Another are..
- Yes, it's sometimes (?) difficult to discuss with him. I can understand why you didn't want to explain to him. Sometimes i feel like it's better to keep quiet rather than having it escalates to debate. But is this hurting you? If yes, remember, you don't need to dumb down yourself. You matter.

- I think it's difficult for him to change.. unless the change is initiated by himself, depending on what kind of change.. if personality or way of thinking, I don't think it'll change much..
- It's great that he's seeing a therapist and working on his communication. Is it an Asperger/autism specialist? ..maybe this'll give some hope.. I don't know..

- Don't worry too much about whether he'll leave you or not.. it should be the opposite.
- Be careful not to be a doormat, no matter how much you love him..
- Go have fun with other family/friends/by yourself too

You remind me of my younger self. If I can meet my past self, I'll urge her to be stronger.. insecurity clouds our judgement. Sorry if I sound too patronizing.

And yes, i think most people don't understand the relationship dynamics with an aspie.. we see mostly normal couples nearby.. Hope you're okay.. how's your day today..?

You don't seem patronizing, no worries. I appreciate the advice. It's not that he asked me to do all the cleaning, just disinfect light switches/door handles, etc. and apparently wipe down windows. But what bothered me is that he asked me to help him, so I thought we would be doing them together, at the same time, but apparently he expected me to go off and clean them on my own. I didn't understand that, but he got upset with me for that and feels like he can't ask me for help anymore. (Although, I guess that hasn't turned out to be true, tomorrow is yet again his cleaning day and he's asked me to help him, I just hope he learned from what happened last time..Normally I'd be pretty hesitant to help him clean his and his brother's home, especially since the way he cleans is a lot more..over the top than my family would, but he's been in a lot of pain due to sciatica issues for a few months)

I don't know much about his therapist, but he's not a specialist, he doesn't even want to say whether or not he thinks my boyfriend has Asperger's. I think he's new to being a therapist, and honestly I'm not sure if he's much help. I no longer really feel comfortable with his therapist, we had an issue a few months ago where my boyfriend went into shutdown mode at the end of the session, it was the second time I experienced it and the therapist did nothing. I was scared, I wasn't entirely what to do, my boyfriend and I had to walk home and I wasn't sure what to expect from him. I could have used a little help or advice or something from the therapist, but he didn't even see the change in my boyfriend even though it seemed obvious to me.

I don't really have friends to spend time with, and I feel like...strangely guilty for doing things on my own. I'm having trouble holding onto my own individuality, even though I'm a very independent person and I love having time alone. I feel like it's something I need. I would feel guilty for doing things on my own, things like going to a restaurant or something. It's a lot better now than it was in the beginning, but my boyfriend sometimes seems bothered by me doing things on my own, he worries very severely that something bad will happen to me.

 

[sararini]

Ahh. As I mentioned in my previous comment, my boyfriend asked me through text to help him clean tomorrow, he said it's okay if I said no. I told him I'd help him, and that I'd let him know if there's something I don't feel comfortable doing, 'but please don't get upset with me if there's something I don't feel comfortable doing'. Just that was apparently enough to upset him. He sent me a long reply, multiple replies.

He said he can't promise that. He listed a whole bunch of things that would upset him. He'll be upset for lack of help, and he'll be upset if I misinterpret what he asks. He says he'll be upset if I don't help, and more upset if 'I tell him an excuse that he would see as unnecessary to prevent me from helping him' and he would be upset if I do help and then don't communicate and tell him it's his fault. He would be upset if I do communicate with him but misunderstand him.

This seems to risky. Just helping him clean sounds like walking into a battlefield, and now I don't know what to do, and if I could get some advice tonight that would be really helpful. I am so lost at this point. I just need him to understand that I might not feel comfortable doing some things, and I should have the right to refuse, considering I'm trying to help him clean a place that's not my job or responsibility.

EDIT: Talked to him about it some more. I just he sees me possibly not being able to do something as an excuse, and he hates excuses. He says I have every right to decline something just as he has every right to be upset or annoyed, but I feel like that's not a good comparison because he takes it out on me or his brother when he's upset. Yes, he has the right to feel things to an extent, but it's not okay when he takes it out on other people. I just need him to appreciate what help I can give him and not get upset with me for the things I can't do.

 

[Mary Lyn]

Why can't he get a cleaner in? He expects you to do it and you have been sick? Seriously?

 

[sararini]

He can't really afford to pay someone to clean. He has his brother living with him, but his brother cleans on his own time, and they don't get along great so I guess he doesn't want to ask him to help. And he mentioned that me being there 'might not make a dramatic difference (in the cleaning?) but me being around gives him the 'full feeling' and he likes it'. I still don't entirely understand what he means by full feeling, but I think it's the cliche of feeling complete when you're with the person you love. And I love to be around him, but my nerves are frayed and I never know when he's going to get upset with me now, and I hate it when he's upset with me.

EDIT: Also, I don't think he would want someone else to clean. He says Sunday is the one day he 'allows' himself to clean, so he must enjoy it, or at the very least feel like it's something he needs to be heavily involved in.

 

[Fino]

This sounds like an abusive relationship.

It should end now or change now.

Something has to wake him up.

He's choosing to be this way then convincing himself it's the only way to be. He certainly can change.

And from what you said, his therapist does sound ineffective. In my experience, most are.

I know it's easier said than done, but from what I'm reading here, you should leave him. What's keeping you in? Hope of a causeless epiphany? I was embarrassingly similar to him and had to nearly die to change.

Does he take any medication? I take 5. He should take 5.

Just kidding with the last sentence, but it does all sound pretty darn bad.

I'm sorry.

 

[sararini]

What's keeping me is the fact that, despite always hating the idea of marriage, and being content with the idea of spending my life single, I could actually see myself marrying. I never thought I'd want to marry someone, but the idea of marrying him made me happy. But lately things have gotten so bad, and I don't understand it. And I have a hard time knowing when you should stay and work on a relationship, or when you have to walk away. I don't know where the line is, or find that out.

He takes quite a few medications, unfortunately I can't name them.

And it's okay, I'll be okay no matter what. I'm just really hoping there's kind of solution to the things going on between us.

 

[All-Rounder]

Well its hard to leave toxic relationships, and it also is hard to not feel frustrated with the person in time. Hes unreasonable and uneducated and unwilling to change and there is no solution if he isnt wanting to change.

You cant help an aspie clean or move things, their vision on how it should be is rigid and youll either have to learn it exactly as they want it and that requires him to write a descriptive essay about how to do it, but most of the times aspies dont know what they would want or like in the first place. But this way he may be able to say 'well i forgot to write that so yeah' but he may not be reasonable and still get mad cause its what he does. Or you let him do it whatever he says, or however mad he gets, and that way he will have to put up with the result with his own self.

You have to have freedom to go out even if he has fears and doubts, you shouldn't encourage his cowardness and injust and complacent behavior but stimulate a change. I know its hard and hurtful for you to go against him but you have to show him youre decided and wont encourage his bad behavior, and give in to his childish ways. You want him to grow and you know he can do it. Don't let his temper intimidate you.

 

[Fino]

I second Rexi's every word!

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

Ahh. As I mentioned in my previous comment, my boyfriend asked me through text to help him clean tomorrow, he said it's okay if I said no. I told him I'd help him, and that I'd let him know if there's something I don't feel comfortable doing, 'but please don't get upset with me if there's something I don't feel comfortable doing'. Just that was apparently enough to upset him. He sent me a long reply, multiple replies.

He said he can't promise that. He listed a whole bunch of things that would upset him. He'll be upset for lack of help, and he'll be upset if I misinterpret what he asks. He says he'll be upset if I don't help, and more upset if 'I tell him an excuse that he would see as unnecessary to prevent me from helping him' and he would be upset if I do help and then don't communicate and tell him it's his fault. He would be upset if I do communicate with him but misunderstand him.

This seems to risky. Just helping him clean sounds like walking into a battlefield, and now I don't know what to do, and if I could get some advice tonight that would be really helpful. I am so lost at this point. I just need him to understand that I might not feel comfortable doing some things, and I should have the right to refuse, considering I'm trying to help him clean a place that's not my job or responsibility.

EDIT: Talked to him about it some more. I just he sees me possibly not being able to do something as an excuse, and he hates excuses. He says I have every right to decline something just as he has every right to be upset or annoyed, but I feel like that's not a good comparison because he takes it out on me or his brother when he's upset. Yes, he has the right to feel things to an extent, but it's not okay when he takes it out on other people. I just need him to appreciate what help I can give him and not get upset with me for the things I can't do.

It's like going to the battlefield, I feel you.

I told him I'd help him, and that I'd let him know if there's something I don't feel comfortable doing, 'but please don't get upset with me if there's something I don't feel comfortable doing'. Just that was apparently enough to upset him. He sent me a long reply, multiple replies.

He said he can't promise that. He listed a whole bunch of things that would upset him. ​

In this particular issue, I think maybe he's answering it literally? We probably hoped to get answers like "no worries". Here, he just literally & honestly said that he can't promise you that.

But I don't agree with him about saying you're making excuses. This, you're not at fault. ...But we cant change how other people think (sigh). Maybe we can just try to mention our opinion in simple but precise sentences.