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my aspie friend won't change

Splashstorm

Splashstorm

Member
My best friend is an aspie, and she keeps telling me she won't try to become better or seek help for her anxiety and other issues because she likes the way she is, despite the fact that those things cause so much problems for her and for people close to her. I told her that you can like who you are and still try to improve, but she says I don't get it, and she's terrible at explaining herself, so I came here for help. I badly want to understand where she's coming from. Why won't she try to improve herself?? I asked if it was because she was scared and becoming better was too much work, but she said it wasn't that. She just keeps saying, "This is who I am and I embrace who I am. Why can't you accept me for me?" But the thing is, no matter how much you love and accept yourself, YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY TO IMPROVE. I don't understand why she can't do that.
 
I could point out that she lives for herself, not other people. I'll note that no one does not have problems, and we have a lot of time to discover what problems we want to live with. Other people can walk their own road.

There's a thing called the Serenity Prayer. I recommend you Google it, and ask yourself if your friend it's actually doing exactly that.
 
Yes, she does live for herself, but isn't that kind of selfish? She expects everyone to put up with her issues, yet she never works on helping herself. Much like a hospital patient who expects everyone to pander to them but they purposely refuse medication. I would be fine with the problems that come with having an aspie friend, but I'm not fine with knowing she isn't even doing anything to help herself. She just expects everyone to give her special treatment. All. the. time. Everything is always on her terms, to make her comfortable. She can't even try to help herself out a little to help us??? How is that fair at all?

As for the prayer, I googled it. It says:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.​

But is that really what this is? She seems to only be accepting everything with no thought to changing what she can. It's like she simply can't be bothered because it's too hard. I feel like the quote:
"In life you always have a choice. Sometimes it's easier to think that you don't," ​
is more like her. I feel like she is so afraid of change that she made herself believe she had no choice and that "that's just the way I am." At this point, I don't even know what's going on with her anymore. I NEED to understand where she's coming from. The issue I'm having with this is that I can't just stand by and watch a friend not help themselves. How can I see this in a different light? What am I missing? How is it okay to let her keep living like that, with that terrible mindset? I feel like it's not morally correct, especially since not everyone who needs help knows they need help/want help.
 
Do you specifically mean that you'd like her to work on improving her anxiety and any other mental health issues she may have?
 
The bottom line is that you can't force anyone to change themselves. The wish to change has to come from inside.

If your friend won't change then maybe you will have to accept them for who they are with all their quirks & problems or find a new friend.
 
I have wasted inordinant amounts of time and energy trying to fix people I cared about. It is merely an exercise in frustration. If your offers of help are rebuffed there is really nowhere else to go from there until she changes her mindset. That could take a very long time, and you do not have the power to bring it about yourself.

When Aspergirl4hire reccomended you look up The Serenity Prayer I do not believe it was intended for your friend's benefit, but for your own. As much as you might like your friend to change decision is not in your hands.
 
Anxiety can be really difficult to overcome. In order to overcome it we must put ourselves into the situations which causes it. This can be a frightening prospect. Sometimes its easier to live with avoiding these situations rather than pushing through them.
Perhaps your friend is completely overwhelmed by her anxiety. It could be too much to even think about changing.

Which situations cause her to be anxious?
 
If anxiety stems from her childhood, then it is literally wired into her brain, bit like if you hammer a nail into a young tree and instead of giving up the tree just grows around it.

Medications can have a different effect on us due to differently wired brains. I've always need three shots of lidocain for it to work, for instance. That part of the wiring is genetic, so I guess it's more like giving hamster medicine to your dog, which is wrong dosage-wise and substance-wise.

If you are doing something else, like trying to make her stop stimming, consider that it's like if she told you to never deal with impatience by drumming your fingers or tapping your feet again.
 
How does her behaviour impact you? And how old are you both? If you're teenagers, she may grow out of it. At the moment, it sounds like she's clinging desperately to an identity - in this case, an aspie identity - in order to deal with her confused feelings of insecurity, self-loathing, meaningless, etc. It's quite a common thing to do in adolescence and explains the existence of Tumblr.

If she's an adult, then the situation is worse and your friend is that much more unlikely to change or gain insight. Since I'm not sure what your friend actually does, I can't tell you if it's acceptable behaviour or not. All I can tell is that nagging virtually never works: people have a real resistance to being nagged to change, even if it's "for their own good".
 
I think its selfish to want to force someone to change. As people have said here, you can't force someone to change, it has to come from within the person. From what you've said, you are wanting her to change because you believe that is what is best for her. But you are not listening to what she is saying; she is basically saying to you that right now changing in the way you want her to IS NOT best for her. You need to accept that.
 
I should like to add that self-acceptance is healthy. Maybe she's only just learning it for the first time in her life.
 
I understand your frustration. But I don't think this is really an autistic thing. Both NT and Aspie people can make bad decisions. Hers will lead to stagnation and perhaps worsening effects.

You are right when you say ''YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY TO IMPROVE", but do not take it far enough.

To have a satisfactory life you must always try to improve, AS or NT.

...or alien I might add. What is up with the eyes? :eek:
 
Splashstorm said:
I feel like she is so afraid of change that she made herself believe she had no choice and that "that's just the way I am." At this point, I don't even know what's going on with her anymore. I NEED to understand where she's coming from. The issue I'm having with this is that I can't just stand by and watch a friend not help themselves. How can I see this in a different light? What am I missing? How is it okay to let her keep living like that, with that terrible mindset? I feel like it's not morally correct, especially since not everyone who needs help knows they need help/want help.
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It's not a terrible mindset, read up on mindblindness. It's not something she can change, it's hard wired into her brain, its who she is and asking her to change that aspect of self is virtually impossible. Sure, she can take anti-anxiety meds, she can go for years of 'social' or CBT, or exposure therapy, and be forced to be someone she is not. It will never be who she actually is, it will be a facade for the public to fit into society. Your acceptance of who she is and how she is now is the most important thing, understanding the 'differences' between your mindset and hers is paramount. You are not right and she is not wrong, she's accepted her differences and you should too.

One of the things that I've discovered with people who are not autistic, is an innate belief that they their way of thinking and doing is the right or better way. That anyone who does not perceive things like them is 'wrong, lesser, messed up, anti-social.' I think most of this is about your belief that you are superior to your friend, and she should just get over her difficulties and be like you.
 
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I have struggled with anxiety since I was 12 or 13, it has had a lot of influence over my life; what I did, how I handled change, who I could talk to, how well I did in school and in jobs, who my friends were, my relationships. I am in my late forties now, and I have been trying to change the control that anxiety has on my life for years now, with therapy, meditation, medication and good old fashioned confronting it head on. Still anxious. Still an Aspie.

One thing that I hadn't tried was learning to accept myself, and love myself for who I am at this time, where I am. That doesn't mean that I won't keep trying to better myself, or that I can't or won't change. It means taking a more gentle and thoughtful approach to change, and for me it has meant ignoring all of the "you gotta change" noise, from myself and others, and forgiving myself for my past. No one knows more than myself how anxiety has negatively affected my life, but I think the most negative has been not being aware and accepting of myself, and the constant comparing myself to others, trying to be the person they wanted me to be.

Give your friend a break, if you really care about her. It may change your relationship for better or worse, but as others have stated, she has to make the move, and she may not be able and/or willing at this time.
 
Splashstorm said:
Yes, she does live for herself, but isn't that kind of selfish? She expects everyone to put up with her issues, yet she never works on helping herself. Much like a hospital patient who expects everyone to pander to them but they purposely refuse medication. I would be fine with the problems that come with having an aspie friend, but I'm not fine with knowing she isn't even doing anything to help herself. She just expects everyone to give her special treatment. All. the. time.
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Selfish or not, it's still her choice whether she tackles the change process (which actually must begin with self-acceptance--you can't change what you won't admit exists).

However, you also have choices here. But your choices have nothing to do with what she does. Your choices determine what you do.

What kinds of accommodations are you making for her? If these things are too costly to you, or are simply something you don't want to do at a particular, specific time but you might do again at another time--those are always your choice to make.

You can make an accommodation this weekend to, say, go on a quiet picnic instead of going out to a noisy bar because you know she doesn't like noisy places (I'm theorizing here). But perhaps next weekend, you decide you're not interested in a picnic. She can join you at the noisy bar, or she can make her own plans. You make your choice about what accommodations you make, and she makes her choice whether she can live with that or not.

There are two sides to this equation. She chooses whether or not to change--leave that decision fully in her hands. But...you choose how much to accommodate/enable--keep that decision fully in your own hands.

Sometimes you might choose to go out of your way to meet her needs. But other times you might not. And that way, she experiences the consequences of being a high-needs friend who doesn't want to grow (which means sometimes choosing to stay home alone when everyone else is doing something that person doesn't want to do).

It's not your responsibility to take care of her. And it's not your right to change her. Let her be responsible for herself. But don't relinquish your freedom to make your own decisions, either. That way, no one is victimized, no one is a martyr, and no one is being protected from the consequences of their own decisions.

Actions (or inaction) have consequences. If you constantly protect her from her inaction (which might or might not be the case...I don't know her), then what motivation does she have to change? That doesn't mean you should manipulate or punish or otherwise try to force or coerce her into change. Work on your own stuff--learn how to fully take responsibility for your own decisions while completely not taking responsibility for anyone else's decisions. If you can accomplish this task within yourself, you'll be the kind of friend that people want to become healthier for.
 
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StephF said:
The bottom line is that you can't force anyone to change themselves. The wish to change has to come from inside.
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Agreed. It's like the motto of Alcoholics Anonymous. The first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem.

I aplaud your concern for your friend but you cannot force her to seek help if she doesn't want it.

All you can do at this point is to be her friend.
 
She said why actually. Because she feels that anxiety is a part of who she is, which from someone who suffers horribly from anxiety, truly perplexes me to why she would want to embrace that? Unless it is because somehow it gives her a high!

If she insisted on wanting to be on her own, then that is one thing, but she is terribly selfish, to expect her friends to bend to her will, for seeing someone being anxious is not very nice and the first thought: is to try and ease it!

Being an aspie does not give us the right to get away with negative behaviour traits, that we CAN try to ease.

For yourself, you are showing a fine attitude in that you want to get to know her and help, but actually, I think you should reevaluate your friendship. For someone who refuses to try to improve is someone that is not very appealing to be around.
 
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