My aspie friend told me he wants to date me but said he wont

[Angel123]

Hi everyone.
I'm new to the forums here and mainly joined because I am hoping that some of you might be able to give me either some insight into what's the logic with my aspie friend or some advice on how to go with this situation that has arisen.

As a bit of background, I'm an NT (25yo) and my friend is Aspie (19 going on 20yo). We've both said to each other that we really enjoy each others company and specifically, he's told me that he likes how patient I am with him and flag stuff automatically that he finds difficult to understand (ie when I'm being sarcastic). Also, pretty much the entire time I have known him he has given me cuddles, picked me up, patted me, hugs me, and lots of other general touching. This is significant because he is renowned for hating people touching him and freezes up whenever someone does, but I'm the exception - he lets me touch him most of the time and has said that he finds it strange because he's never let anyone do that before.

What has thrown me is that he's told me that he really likes me and wants to date me BUT isn't going to because of his parents perceptions of relationships with people not the same age. To make things more complicated he's told me that when he told his parents about me they started making out that I was some kind of sexual predator because of my age, even though they have never met me. On top of this, I have always known that he had liked a girl who goes to his uni who is the same age as him but hadn't done anything about it because he literally can't be at ease with this girl - because of this I had basically friend zoned myself because I didn't want to play games per se (I take an incredibly long time to warm up to people, let alone realise whether I like someone more than a friend, and act on that). He's also told me that if he does start dating someone he's going to stop even friendly hugs, which is upsetting for me because hugging is a major way I communicate with my friends and people I care about that I care for them.

So, ever since he told me he liked me in a romantic sort of way I haven't known what to do. I have talked to him about it, particularly how I'm uncomfortable about (what feels like) living on borrowed time with hugs etc and how I'm upset that I've been sidelined for what seems to me to be a silly reason. I'm confused because he agrees its a silly reason but keeps saying he doesn't want to date because he's worried about other peoples perception of the age difference (which I don't consider much and he is generally mature for his age). He's also said that he doesn't want to stopping cuddling either and said that if social conventions didn't exist he would date me.

We have also talked about what to do now that this is a problem (for me but I think he is a bit frustrated about it too), but none of the solutions we have come up with we are happy with - he still wants physical contact as do I but I'm uncomfortable with it now, he doesn't want me to disappear from his life, I want to just see what happens but he is uncomfortable with that in case it ends up in dating land.

Does anyone have any advice for how to handle this? He is meaningful to me and I am loathe to hurt him or push him to the point that he retreats.

I would appreciate any suggestions

 

[Shiznown]

There probably isn't much you can do. His main issues is, he isn't assertive with his parents and he's too hung up on what other people think. Until he matures and develops some sort of assertiveness, there is always going to be barriers.

 

[Maelstrom]

Cr..p I can't think of anything nice to say... not...cool..not..cool. Since you still like him which he doesn't deserve, I would tell him you want to date him, but if he doesn't like you enough you will look elsewhere until he changes his mind. And you will have to start weaning him off the fringe benifits, he doesn't get so much TLC if there is no, you're with me. Or you can be his love blanky for the next 10 years, I would stay friendly but let him see your looking elsewhere. Probably won't work but what else can you do with a major Tool. Sorry am in a bad mood, am short on the hugs thing because of stupid people. Perhaps the wind will blow something lovely in... good luck with him

 

[dakota dorner]

Angel, you should tell him he needs to take the consideration of those other than his parents into account. I suggest showing him this thread and the assorted replies. If he has told you he likes you romantically then that is practically a marriage proposal coming from an Aspie. He is afraid to offend either party in his relationships. I recommend meeting his parents and allowing them to see that you or not somebody that would take advantage of him. It also sounds like maybe they are treating him like a child's. If he is 19 he should be strong enough to make his own decisions and not live by the rule and word of his parents. It was probably incredibly hard for him to tell you that. Try to pursue that relationship as hard as you can. The fact that he allows you to hug him is utterly amazing to me. There are not to a lot of people that I allow physical contact with. The thought of cuddling anything other than a pet would terrify me. Person really trusts you. Meet his parents and if this works out please post it because I can never stand to not hear the ending to such a nice love story
PS dont listen to sourpuss above they need a ferret or small mammal of some sort.

 

[Maelstrom]

[QUOTE="dakota dorner, I recommend meeting his parents and allowing them to see that you or not somebody that would take advantage of him.

PS dont listen to sourpuss above they need a ferret or small mammal of some sort.[/QUOTE]

Ah! well it never ocerred to me, to do the parent end run, but I just had my heart ripped out of my chest by my ex-girlfriends parents not to long ago, so am not feeling the parent love thing. He's likely lying about them anyways and trying to have his cake and eat it to, but it's worth a shot to try it first before doing anything more drastic. But he low balled a willing hugable girl that he likes and is hitting on...yeah all kinds bad of remarks here.....

Thanks for the stiff arm Dakota if your going to put me in loservile you could at least toss me a cat or dog...a ferret.. what am I supposed to do with a ferret? roast it on a stick? Ha ha!

 

[royinpink]

I agree with Dakota, but you might be disappointed when it comes to his parents. They might be totally rigid and irrational, and definitely will care more about their 'little boy' than you. Not saying it isn't worth a shot but definitely have a plan b.

Also, he might not be used to disagreement with his parents. I know when I was younger I was inflexible and couldn't handle anything against the rules or any dishonesty. So no matter how badly I wanted something, if it was against the rules, it was unthinkable to me. You might need to sit down and discuss whether following the rules is truly for 'the greater good' in this instance and work through the possible consequences with him (with a good deal of patience). That helped me, anyway.

 

[Shiznown]

This didn't occur to me before, but is he on pills, namely anti-depressants? My grandmother used to love when I was on them, because even though they didn't help my depression, they made me incredibly passive.

 

[epath13]

I think he's fine. He's still trying to figure out what kind of relationships he wants with different people. It took me forever to figure out what relationships really are between friends, acquaintances and partners. I might have presented myself as if I had full understanding, and logically I seemed to process the idea of different types of relationships pretty well, but there was a huge gap between my emotional perception and logical. I saw people more like characters in a play, rather then real people with feelings. It took me long time and a lot of work to make the gap smaller and start developing true emotional connections with people. I'm not saying I haven't cared for anybody before, but it was sort of like this: my feelings for them and my thought about what I wanted to do in general were disconnected. I'm not sure how else to explain. He's still learning and I hope, one day he'll figure it out. At this moment you both may appear to want the same thing, but I think it only looks that way. I think in this situation you might just want to make a decision and stick to it: whether you want to wait for him to figure things out or move on...

 

[dakota dorner]

Ouch

 

[Maelstrom]

Ouch

Okay I put a laughing face and a Ha ha! on my last comment to you so you won't feel so bad, but in all fairness you didn't bother to laugh tag your request that I go suck my thumb in the corner with the ferret thing either. My first post may not have been brilliant but I did..say the whole thing was basically a wash...I personally am a very warm auspie, (very warm)...and I like that he is being warm with others....BUT even I wouldn't go this far, he's kind of using her for his personal love squeeze toy ...if he really isn't into her than he's drifting into affection vampire user territory ....if he does like her, and he may, then he needs to stop being such a wuss and start figuring out how to make it work. I have found however that there is a death clock on romance , if you wait too long the fire dies and hardly ever gets restarted. Life doesn't have Holly Wood endings unless you make them happen. So is this post good enough or do I have to pull more ferrets off my face.

 

[dakota dorner]

i know

 

[dakota dorner]

You should have said I'm so warm I can boil water from 40 feet away!

 

[zurb]

It is certainly societal convention for a man to marry someone younger. I think this has to do with the fact that most ladies mature earlier than guys.

My wife is five years older than me. I've discovered that while as a teenager, five years is an eternity, at forty, it means nothing. We married when I was about 24. I also discovered that among my friends there are a lot of other marriages that don't fit this 'norm'.

I remember telling my friend at the time that I wasn't really interested in being anything more than friends with her. Maybe a year later we got married. Can you expect the same? I don't know. Certainly unsympathetic parents is a major hurdle.

Yes, there were girls closer to my own age I had had crushes on, or that had had crushes on me. It was seldom mutual. If I could get anywhere near, I was 'on show', couldn't relax, and always said or did something stupid. With my wife, I could relax and be me. I married my best friend rather than some idealised girl I couldn't reach.

Is there any way to informally meet them (ie, not 'Mum, meet my girlfriend') - maybe as part of a group - where they can get to see the real you?

 

[Maelstrom]

It is certainly societal convention for a man to marry someone younger. I think this has to do with the fact that most ladies mature earlier than guys.

Well I can't throw any rocks at the age thing, I have a 17 year old at church with a girl crush on me, (no I'm not messing with her),. My ex who was 23 chased me for 2 years and sent a courting blessing request letter to my father. But online my auti-aspie? Peterpan thing doesn't show and I'm just a old number. Maybe I should take up residence in wal-mart until I round up a wife? Personally I think someone like Angel123 if she can handle the aspie thing?, would have been a Godsend to help me through life at that age, and his parents should consider her a blessing. Why do we never see happiness knocking on our doors?

 

[dakota dorner]

Because most people are afraid of finding a salesman