My Aspergers boyfriend broke up with me... but he still wants me around

[Nervous Rex]

Many people have already covered this but here goes: Autism/Aspergers is not a personality. A person can be kind or mean, open or emotionally unreachable, whether or not they are autistic. You could be in this same situation with someone who isn’t autistic.

I see one pattern in what you wrote, that I have also seen in myself and in other autistic people I personally know: I can be mad/upset/sad/frustrated/etc. and not know why. When I recognize it, I have to think back to when the feeling started to identify what event or interaction set me off. E.g., someone said something insulting in a meeting and I am reacting angrily to everything hours afterward. I have to recognize that my reaction isn’t reasonable and remember when the feeling started. Once I identify the source, I have to consciously think through the event and my reaction (I have to “manually” process emotions that normal people process “automatically”). After I deal with it, I can let it go and start reacting normally.

That works for me. I’ve seen others that are not willing to take that first step of recognizing that they aren’t reacting rationally. What do you do if your (ex?) boyfriend isn’t willing to critically evaluate his own behavior, isn’t willing to change, and just wants to lash out?

I don’t know.

You can’t change other people. All you can change is the way you react to them and what you’re willing to put up with.

 

[BraidedPony]

It's been covered before but this sums it up especially well, Rex.

 

[Tom]

Aspie #1 - 'They asked for an Aspergers perspective.'
Supreme Aspie - 'That is like asking for a telescope...'
Aspie #2 - '...and being handed a Kaleidoscope.'

 

[hollyofthenorth]

Many people have already covered this but here goes: Autism/Aspergers is not a personality. A person can be kind or mean, open or emotionally unreachable, whether or not they are autistic. You could be in this same situation with someone who isn’t autistic.

I see one pattern in what you wrote, that I have also seen in myself and in other autistic people I personally know: I can be mad/upset/sad/frustrated/etc. and not know why. When I recognize it, I have to think back to when the feeling started to identify what event or interaction set me off. E.g., someone said something insulting in a meeting and I am reacting angrily to everything hours afterward. I have to recognize that my reaction isn’t reasonable and remember when the feeling started. Once I identify the source, I have to consciously think through the event and my reaction (I have to “manually” process emotions that normal people process “automatically”). After I deal with it, I can let it go and start reacting normally.

That works for me. I’ve seen others that are not willing to take that first step of recognizing that they aren’t reacting rationally. What do you do if your (ex?) boyfriend isn’t willing to critically evaluate his own behavior, isn’t willing to change, and just wants to lash out?

I don’t know.

You can’t change other people. All you can change is the way you react to them and what you’re willing to put up with.

His problem is that he just sees things from his perspective and no other perspective is correct in that moment. It's not until he is calmer that he thinks more rationally.
When he get's like that, I normally just sit and listen and accept it for what it is and wait until he calms down.

 

[BraidedPony]

But, what you normally do isnt working, right?
He is still reporting feeling stress and you are listening to rants where he blames you for everything.

 

[hollyofthenorth]

But, what you normally do isnt working, right?
He is still reporting feeling stress and you are listening to rants where he blames you for everything.

Yeah basically. He's more able to listen to me when he's calm, but I can't do anything when he's having one of his episodes.
He is very static with his feelings, especially right now. Since I posted my situation, more has developed which has left me more confused.

 

[OrangeSquash]

I see one pattern in what you wrote, that I have also seen in myself and in other autistic people I personally know: I can be mad/upset/sad/frustrated/etc. and not know why. When I recognize it, I have to think back to when the feeling started to identify what event or interaction set me off. E.g., someone said something insulting in a meeting and I am reacting angrily to everything hours afterward. I have to recognize that my reaction isn’t reasonable and remember when the feeling started. Once I identify the source, I have to consciously think through the event and my reaction (I have to “manually” process emotions that normal people process “automatically”). After I deal with it, I can let it go and start reacting normally.

The "manual" vs "automatic" processing of emotion is a perfect description.

 

[Gracey]

If you're bending yourself all out of shape and trying to be anything but your natural self around him, just to please him, or not upset him,
Or if you feel like you're having to tippy-toe on egg shells just so he doesn't kick off at you,

Tell him to 'do one' and find someone else that will treat you like a Princess.

Relationships are supposed to be mutually beneficial.

What are you getting from the relationship?
Love?
Caring?
Respect?
Kindness?

 

[Solphire]

I do not agree at all about him blaming his stress on you. That is something I hope he can learn to stop doing to his loved ones. Stress is just stress, and people with ASD have a long list of stressors. I know I do. Learning how to destress is something every person could benefit from.

Here is a point of view, though, that I have not see addressed yet. I have been with my husband for 18 years. However, in the begining, I almost lost him before our relationship even started. I do not understand romance, courtship, and did not understand how to communicate properly to another person. I had started ghosting my husband because I did not know how relationships worked and could not keep my side of communications going.

Eventually, he called me up and was very blunt with me (being direct and logical is a very good way to communicate to me). He stated that if I did not want a boyfriend then that was fine, he would stop calling me. But if there was any interest on my side for having a relationship with him to let him know now. I said yes, I did, but that I do not know how they work.

Throughout our time together, he has taught me the give and take nature of a relationship. He has taught me how to express my needs of him and how to be respectful to his needs. He has taught me how to communicate with him and how to maintain a relationship and what to expect.

Maybe your fellow has unreal expectations of how relationships work. From your writing, this seems to be very much the case. Somehow, you are his savior when things are going well, and it is you who has cursed him when things are bad. This is not okay. That is not how relationships work, and if you have a desire to stay with him, he needs to be made aware of that. He would also need to learn the same things as I did that I wrote above.

And you said he is in some kind of denial about his ASD, I would say he needs to accept himself and get to know himself. Then he can learn where his stress is really coming from. And then he can learn how to mitigate it.

Good luck to you and you have my prayers.

 

[hollyofthenorth]

I do not agree at all about him blaming his stress on you. That is something I hope he can learn to stop doing to his loved ones. Stress is just stress, and people with ASD have a long list of stressors. I know I do. Learning how to destress is something every person could benefit from.

Here is a point of view, though, that I have not see addressed yet. I have been with my husband for 18 years. However, in the begining, I almost lost him before our relationship even started. I do not understand romance, courtship, and did not understand how to communicate properly to another person. I had started ghosting my husband because I did not know how relationships worked and could not keep my side of communications going.

Eventually, he called me up and was very blunt with me (being direct and logical is a very good way to communicate to me). He stated that if I did not want a boyfriend then that was fine, he would stop calling me. But if there was any interest on my side for having a relationship with him to let him know now. I said yes, I did, but that I do not know how they work.

Throughout our time together, he has taught me the give and take nature of a relationship. He has taught me how to express my needs of him and how to be respectful to his needs. He has taught me how to communicate with him and how to maintain a relationship and what to expect.

Maybe your fellow has unreal expectations of how relationships work. From your writing, this seems to be very much the case. Somehow, you are his savior when things are going well, and it is you who has cursed him when things are bad. This is not okay. That is not how relationships work, and if you have a desire to stay with him, he needs to be made aware of that. He would also need to learn the same things as I did that I wrote above.

And you said he is in some kind of denial about his ASD, I would say he needs to accept himself and get to know himself. Then he can learn where his stress is really coming from. And then he can learn how to mitigate it.

Good luck to you and you have my prayers.

My impressions are that he is responding this way simply out of fear. He has never had feelings for a person this way before and it scares him and he doesn’t know how to handle it.
But as much as I’m willing to be there for him and to kind of navigate and teach him, what do I do if he isn’t willing to? Because he’s pretty rested in himself no matter what I do. I have felt to do what your husband did and give him some sort of ultimatum, but I know, regardless of how he feels, it won’t go in my favour.

 

[Solphire]

It was more of a binary choice than an ultimatum. The way he said it was good for me, because he showed that he cared, but he was making it clear he wasn't taking my BS. It was simple, not a long drawn out conversation, so it was easier for me to understand and chose quickly.

EDIT: I neglected your question. If it were me, and if I had told my husband no, it would have benefited me for him to leave me alone so I could process what I wanted. I would break off contact, and see if he's willing to come back and try. It is better than you putting all your time and energy for naught. If he isn't ready, that is no good for you. You are definately a kind and sweet person and do not deserve to be strung along.

 

[GadAbout]

My impressions are that he is responding this way simply out of fear. He has never had feelings for a person this way before and it scares him and he doesn’t know how to handle it.
But as much as I’m willing to be there for him and to kind of navigate and teach him, what do I do if he isn’t willing to? Because he’s pretty rested in himself no matter what I do. I have felt to do what your husband did and give him some sort of ultimatum, but I know, regardless of how he feels, it won’t go in my favour.

Please don't feel I am unsympathetic, but have you spent as much time analyzing your own romantic relationship behavior and attitudes, as you have his? I am really wondering why you are willing to put up with his treatment. Do you feel you have no other options - like it's this guy or spinsterhood?

 

[hollyofthenorth]

It was more of a binary choice than an ultimatum. The way he said it was good for me, because he showed that he cared, but he was making it clear he wasn't taking my BS. It was simple, not a long drawn out conversation, so it was easier for me to understand and chose quickly.

EDIT: I neglected your question. If it were me, and if I had told my husband no, it would have benefited me for him to leave me alone so I could process what I wanted. I would break off contact, and see if he's willing to come back and try. It is better than you putting all your time and energy for naught. If he isn't ready, that is no good for you. You are definately a kind and sweet person and do not deserve to be strung along.

Thank you for this- I have always tried to keep things simple with him. I don’t say too much when we are having a discussion because he doesn’t process it very well.
He has been away for the last 5 days, so we have had some distance from each other and I have actually pulled away quite a bit with the contact, which has actually made him more in need of contacting me because I have gone against my norm of texting him when he contacts me... it has worked quite well, but I am unsure how he will respond to seeing me in a couple of days.
Lately he has been acting quite cold, and distant. He doesn’t act how he normally acts and avoids talking about his feelings all together... he now won’t even tell me he loves me he just says that i know how he feels and he wants to say it, but can’t... so I’m confused.

 

[hollyofthenorth]

It was more of a binary choice than an ultimatum. The way he said it was good for me, because he showed that he cared, but he was making it clear he wasn't taking my BS. It was simple, not a long drawn out conversation, so it was easier for me to understand and chose quickly.

EDIT: I neglected your question. If it were me, and if I had told my husband no, it would have benefited me for him to leave me alone so I could process what I wanted. I would break off contact, and see if he's willing to come back and try. It is better than you putting all your time and energy for naught. If he isn't ready, that is no good for you. You are definately a kind and sweet person and do not deserve to be strung along.

Also- when I try to take the same approach your husband made, he doesn’t respond well to it... he really doesn’t accept or recognise what his Aspergers does to him. Is this normal?

 

[hollyofthenorth]

Please don't feel I am unsympathetic, but have you spent as much time analyzing your own romantic relationship behavior and attitudes, as you have his? I am really wondering why you are willing to put up with his treatment. Do you feel you have no other options - like it's this guy or spinsterhood?

I am very much aware of how I am in relationships- I am not the kind of person to stick for someone who treats me badly. I have dealt with my fair share and so I have experienced knowing how to pick out the the bad from the good. I’m not worried I don’t have other options or whatever, either.
I love him. And regardless of how he treats me, there is a lot of good in him and I know he is simply acting this way because of his Aspergers right now.

 

[Solphire]

I would guess he needs a clear list of rules or what not on what it means to be a boyfriend, or in a relationship. Maybe highlight areas you are willing to work on with him (areas of grace), and areas where he needs to work on acceptance and compliance now (like owning his stress and not putting it on you). Let him know in the list of his good qualities, because usually people just drive into us our qualities that make us stick out and feel bad. Let him know you'll know move forward if he can agree with the things you wrote.

I would not generally give this much advice, however you have asked, and I am rooting for it to work out for you two. We all need love. You may need to prepare for the idea that it may not work out. All young people have a lot to learn in their early relationships, and he may not be ready for it yet.

 

[Solphire]

Written list. So he can process at his own speed.