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My AS friend is over stepping boundaries

Discussion in 'Friends, Family & Social Skills' started by bobingum, Apr 3, 2013.

  1. bobingum

    bobingum Well-Known Member

    Apr 3, 2013
    Hello all. This is my first post. I made friends with a guy with AS a little over a year ago. I am not on the spectrum. I had an extra concert ticket because a friend bailed on me at the last minute, so I posted on craigslist looking for someone to take the ticket or carpool with. This guy showed up, and that is how we met. He's in his early 20s, I'm in my 30s. The extent of our relationship has been going to lunch, going to the record shop, and hitting the local shows occasionally. We hang out about once a month. I've made it very clear to him in the past that I don't have the time or interest in developing our relationship any further because I am going through many changes in my life and am highly focused on my family and my home. But he continually seems to get jealous of my other friends, and recently of my family. He attempted to rent the apartment next door to me so that "we could hang out all the time", he texts all hours of the night (and I've asked him not to). Last easter weekend, he asked me to do something and I told him that I was unable because I was having family from out of town. Then while I was having dinner with that family, he texted me "I'm outside your house, wanna hangout?" My wife is pregnant and is starting to get creeped out by him and his jealousy and worry about our safety. Honestly, I'm starting to get put off as well.

    Obviously, I do not have the capacity to give him the relationship that he wants and if he continues to act this way I'm going to have to sever our friendship. I don't want to do that because he has a history of suicidal behavior, and also because I know that people with Asperger's lose friends regularly because of their condition. But I do not want a "BFF." All of my friendships are casual and low maintenance and this is the way I prefer it. How can I handle this?
  2. HelloDizzy

    HelloDizzy Bed-Cookie V.I.P Member

    Nov 24, 2011
    I understand that his behavior is inappropriate but I also understand as someone with AS the tendency to "cling." It is hard for us to make and maintain friends so we can, upon occasion, start acting like jealous girlfriends.
    Showing up outside your house after you told him you had plans is unacceptable; you may need to explain to him very clearly, and bluntly, that you do not want to hang out all the time, not because you dislike him, but because your priorities are elsewhere. Perhaps recommend somewhere he can make friends, and that he cannot keep doing things that are worrisome to your wife.
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  3. Lector Tiberius

    Lector Tiberius Well-Known Member

    Mar 30, 2013
    I can't speak for everybody , so I will speak for myself. One of the things about my behavior(s) in regards to friendships is I have a tendancy to come across as very smothering. Honestly , for me it's more of a feeling that I need more positive friendship renforcement , than a non AS person might need, sometimes. Like , most people can see the understated things , regarding friendships ie; "we don't talk everyday but we have a good positive friendship and the person does care about my well being" . That's not so often easiy for me to grasp , not just because of my AS but because I've had my heart run over by a big delivery truck so many times , often without even fully understanding why. AS people , like many other people can be some of the most geuine , loyal friends one could ever wish for seriously. Actually alot of people try and take advantage of that as well , as AS people can't always pick up on the "people games" that are being played ..

    Like what was stated , explain you're concerns to the person but honestly I would consider positive reinforcement as well .. It might be the case that the person really does like you for who you are and is terrified of losing that , I know I 've been that way with people , like you just don't want it to end LOL but at the same time bounderies do exist outside the AS realm and that has to be considered as well ..
    • Like Like x 1
  4. Kuribo

    Kuribo ☮☮☮☮

    Mar 5, 2013
    I agree with the above two posts.

    Positive reinforcement will be helpful, and also, try to give him more specific guidelines as to when he should and shouldn't contact you as well.
    • Like Like x 1
  5. Dragon's Tooth

    Dragon's Tooth Well-Known Member

    Oct 22, 2012
    generally I wish that most people would tell me up front in and in plain english what they want from me. Maybe you just have to be brutally blunt. If you don't want to hang out, don't give the wishy washy excuse, be firm and say "no not today but I will call when it is good" or something like that.

    And if he is over stepping the boundary be equally as firm back to him. Don't mince words, be direct honest and clear. We aspies need boundaries and we like them so it probably is the case that you are not being crystal clear with this guy. The read between the line stuff fails on an aspie, you know the kind of stuff that a normal person would pick up on.
    • Like Like x 2
  6. Spinning Compass

    Spinning Compass Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Jan 6, 2011
    I hate to say it, but until you tell him in no uncertain terms that the friendship is over, he will keep pushing the boundaries. He's not hearing no, he's hearing yes. You have to cut him off, because as long as you keep playing his game that is all he is going to hear. You've already been quite explicit and he's still not getting the message.

    I've been around people like that and yes, my heart aches because I have Asperger's and I have lost friendships because of that, but what this guy is doing is going way beyond clinging. You need to tell him that if he shows up at your place uninvited you will call the cops. Then do so. I've had to do that before, and it is amazing how the message gets through when the cop explains things. I didn't even have to say a word. The cop took care of it all and I haven't seen the offender since.

    You made the effort to be friends with this guy. It did not work out. You have no further obligations to him. You aren't responsible for his actions or choices. Now--you can suggest alternatives to him, but--let's be honest, is he someone that say, you were in a group and you found out that he'd been referred to that group because someone else was trying to get rid of him, would you appreciate it? I know I would not. Especially if he has "stalking" and "boundary" issues. And I've had people do just that to me, attempt to set me up with someone (of either sex) that had worn out their welcome with them, I guess on the theory that two odd birds ought to stick together.
    • Like Like x 1
  7. Ylva

    Ylva Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Mar 2, 2013
    I suppose it is a bit late for something this light, but I can tell you anyway:

    I have a friend who, after trying and failing to get the message across, decided to cut out the word "not" in his sentences. He is into NLP, and apparently the subconscious mind doesn't get the word "not". So don't tell him: "I do not want to hang out"; tell him: "(I want you to) stay away from me!" (Or possibly just: "stay away this evening!")

    The exclamation marks may be necessary.

    Really, what you describe sounds scary. I support the suggestion to call the police, too.
    • Like Like x 1