Musing Down Memory Lane

[Amy Susan Rose]

Last night a memory of my childhood popped into my head. I was very young, probably around five. My mother was washing my hair. I was standing on a chair and she was doing it in the sink. She was digging into my scalp and say, "Do you like me, why don't you like me?" I was speechless and perplexed of course and being so young could not understand why she was hurting me and saying such a thing.

Now it occurs to me that perhaps her frustration was oozing out of her regarding the fact that I was never a cuddly baby, that I rarely spoke or interacted with her. Of course back in those days being on the Spectrum was something unknown to the general public. But I always wondered why she did not seem to like me in my eyes and now I wonder if it was due to my lack of responses a mother hopes to receive from her child.

 

[Gritches]

It can happen when people go into something with expectations and reality delivers them something different. My mother never liked me either, now I'm wondering if it wasn't for the same reasons.

 

[Chance]

Me three... My mom gave up on me and walked right out of my life when I was 10. I have never seen her since.

When I was little... I cried when people touched me, I wasn't lovable, still not really, and I didn't speak... so maybe your on to something I never even considered...

 

[Katleya]

Oh crap, I was finally crawling out of days of being depressed & guilt-ridden over the fact that I was a burden to my mother (with whom I actually have a very positive relationship), and now I just fell into a hole of "what if she thinks I don't love her".
I still can't shake the idea that she wouldn't like me at all if I were not her child, and now I want to call in the middle of the night and ask her. It's gonna be a long night :/

 

[SusanLR]

I don't think my mother would have liked me at all either
if I hadn't been her child.
I was the kind of child only a mother could love, and she did. I knew she was always there for me and made me feel loved when no one else did.

She went through a lot of crap with me growing up.
Mostly she disliked my ways due to her religious ideals.
And near the end of her life she asked: " Don't you love me at all?"
I said "As much as I can anybody."
What an awful answer.
She replied that I never said I love you or spontaneously just give her a hug.
I realised it was true and tried to explain the ways I showed love was through the things I did for her and always buying her gifts or providing all the money she needed and making sure she was taken care of.

That was before I knew about the Asperger me and my ways of expression and communicating were different which didn't get through to her as love.
She had severe dementia before she died and didn't know me a lot of times. The first time she told me about how she used to have a daughter but didn't know where she was now hit hard.
But, in a way it was a blessing as our last days together were very loving and the past was forgotten to her.
I'm grateful for that.

 

[fairy_girl]

I always flinched when anyone touched me or heaven forbid that they hugged me. My heart would always race very quickly and I would want to squirm and claw my way out to get out of their grip. It depressed my mom alot back then.

 

[Amy Susan Rose]

Me three... My mom gave up on me and walked right out of my life when I was 10. I have never seen her since.

When I was little... I cried when people touched me, I wasn't lovable, still not really, and I didn't speak... so maybe your on to something I never even considered...

So sorry, Chance. My mom didn't leave me physically but emotionally. It took me fifty years until I had this epiphany, so to speak. I am a mother and when my kids were babies I held them, cuddled them and rocked them to the moon and back. That healed many wounds from childhood.

 

[Amy Susan Rose]

and now I just fell into a hole of "what if she thinks I don't love her".

Maybe make her a card or a recording of how much she means to you. As your mother, I'm sure she knows you well enough to know that you do love her.

 

[InPrincipio]

I don't think either of my parents were NT, so I couldn't count on them all the time for answers to my incomplete memories. I asked Mom about a few things, but she always gave me very limited answers. She was somewhat depressed for as far back as I can remember.

I do remember many times wondering if my mother ever loved me. She had a preference for my brother, I always thought... at least, I thought that until not so long ago. My dad left us when I was 7, and my mom would often say "You're just like your father." That hurt. Huge. I didn't like that I looked just like him and that without any effort on my part reminding my mom of that constantly, but I would sometimes think that she meant more than just looks. I'll never know, because I never asked, and she died last year.

 

[InPrincipio]

So sorry, Chance. My mom didn't leave me physically but emotionally. It took me fifty years until I had this epiphany, so to speak. I am a mother and when my kids were babies I held them, cuddled them and rocked them to the moon and back. That healed many wounds from childhood.

Same here. I was determined to be the best mom I could be for my kids.

 

[Amy Susan Rose]

But, in a way it was a blessing as our last days together were very loving and the past was forgotten to her.
I'm grateful for that.

I can relate regarding the lack of hugs and not ever saying that you loved her. Oh, how I wish I knew what I know now. But we were children and on the Spectrum and none of us knew that. I too wrestle with what I put my mother through but I too was able to be there for her in her last months and we had some terrific laughs.
Your mom had to know you loved her; taking care of her, buying her, gifts, and making sure she had all she needed. That says so much but I know too that so many NT's have to hear the words I love you or expect a hug to show affection.
In the end, she was given morphine to assist and hasten her death (along with pain control) and though even in a drug-induced coma she struggled to open her eyes when she heard my voice as if she had something she wanted to tell me. I would be the sib on "night duty" so I sat with her while she lay in that coma for three nights, just the two of us, and I am grateful for that. I said many things to her (they say hearing is the last sense to go) and held her for the first time in my life. Maybe for some, especially for those of us who were diagnosed later in life, dying, or what I refer to as transitioning to another phase, is the time when we will be closest to those we were unable to be during life.

 

[Sabrina]

Same here. I was determined to be the best mom I could be for my kids.

Exactly!! Me too!
I’m in the same club my-mom-doesn’t—love-me.
Ever since I was 12 years old, I promised my self I was going to be a better mom than my mom.
I believe every kid should have at least someone (usually the mom) who loves him/her unconditionally, no matter what. That’s how I love my kids.

The job of a parent is, in essence, loving her/his kids, it doesn’t matter if the kids love the parent or not (or how). That’s unconditional love, the love a parent should have towards their kids.

 

[Amy Susan Rose]

The job of a parent is, in essence, loving her/his kids, it doesn’t matter if the kids love the parent or not (or how). That’s unconditional love, the love a parent should have towards their kids.

I agree; I was so fortunate to have a dad that spent much time with me, in essence, I was "daddy's little girl." Without that unconditional and attentive love I would probably have turned out a total disaster!