Mixed signals from my ex-Fiance who is aspie....

[zozie]

And one more thought that might prove useful: when I am stressed my face freezes and I appear weirdly neutral. My mother describes it as "still". It's a family story that I looked like I was sleeping while I was in (unmedicated) labor with my first child.

I feel a lot of stress on the inside but it doesn't show to others. I actually have to get by myself and listen to some music to even get to what I'm feeling and why, and then have to write that out to be clear. This makes expressing distress in the moment almost impossible, however much I may want to. And I do want to. I feel trapped in my stillness when I'm upset and this causes a lot of problems.

 

[Tom]

Hi there,
If it was any other guy I would understand what your saying .... I don't want him to change I just wish he could make his mind up...

I get the feeling you do not understand much of what is being said. But that is to be expected with limited experience with autism. He doesn't like/want to make a decision and if you don't want him to change...

Which brings me back to my first observation:

He wants you to be like a box of cereal. Something he can pull out and enjoy when he is in the mood for companionship and then put right back on the shelf when he is done.

Its a gross simplification but I think of us/aspies as having a progression in understanding. Something like:

Self
Self Care
Self Aware
Others
Other's Care
Other's Aware

I think your Ex isn't all the way thru. And many I believe never make it to that point. Some may be quite satisfied not going that route.

 

[Stardust Parade]

I think you’re just fishing for an answer that you want to hear at this point.

 

[BiancaLags]

My last relationship was like this. I'm waiting on my assessment results but self-identify as an aspie, and I'm pretty sure my partner was wondering if they were on the spectrum as well. For me, relationships need a clear definition and direction. For them, if it wasn't undefined it caused a lot of stress.

Both of us were poor at accessing and communicating our emotions, and it ended badly, but even if we were good at accessing and communicating our emotions, our relationship needs were just different. Regard or affection did not meet that need, however much either of us may have wanted it to. It was a very painful breakup but a necessary one, in my opinion. I've been solo for three years since, and not particularly lonely.

To this day, actually, I don't know why he got into a relationship with me. I'm not sure he wanted it in the first place. But for my part, I did think I could do the "untitled" thing and it turns out I could not. Despite some really great moments, it didn't fit.

One of the challenges you have mentioned here is your ex's difficulty in describing his desires for the relationship, and perhaps his emotions around it. This is not likely to change, in my experience. And given your differing needs in whether a relationship is defined or not, are you satisfied with where it is now? And if not, consider that what you need and what your partner is able to give may be irreconcilable, however much you may care about each other.

Best of luck to you, relationships are so difficult for aspies, and perhaps for everyone at times.

hi there, I personally don’t know why he got into a relationship with me, proposed then ended things but doesn’t want to lose me and is fine continuing this “thing” we are doing. He doesn’t know if he wants a relationship and said he doesn’t expect me to wait around until he sorts his crap out but doesn’t want to lose me out of his life because he loves me. It’s all quite confusing as he just can’t make up his mind!

 

[BiancaLags]

I get the feeling you do not understand much of what is being said. But that is to be expected with limited experience with autism. He doesn't like/want to make a decision and if you don't want him to change...

Which brings me back to my first observation:

View attachment 65118

He wants you to be like a box of cereal. Something he can pull out and enjoy when he is in the mood for companionship and then put right back on the shelf when he is done.

Its a gross simplification but I think of us/aspies as having a progression in understanding. Something like:

Self
Self Care
Self Aware
Others
Other's Care
Other's Aware

I think your Ex isn't all the way thru. And many I believe never make it to that point. Some may be quite satisfied not going that route.

hi there, I think I am just holding out hope that he will change his mind and be like Yeap he does want to be with me (don’t know why he proposed to me in the first place and didn’t cut off full contact after the break up and still says he loves me etc and doesn’t want to lose me which tells me okay something in him wants to be with me) ...

his thought process is just extremely muddled and he doesn’t know what he wants (which is what I get from what he says). I mean he tells me he doesn’t expect me to wait around until he sorts his stuff out but says he doesn’t want to lose me but I see what your saying! It’s all just very confusing cause of how he acts and what he says

 

[zozie]

If you and he both have established that he doesn't know what he wants, then what do you want, given this information?

I mean, what do you want for you? "I want him to give me a clear yes or no" is not an option, as he has given you consistent mixed messages and you both agree on this. Wishing will not make it so, nor will waiting.

Discovering, accepting, and honoring what you want now is the path forward, imo.

 

[Aspychata]

hi there, I think I am just holding out hope that he will change his mind and be like Yeap he does want to be with me (don’t know why he proposed to me in the first place and didn’t cut off full contact after the break up and still says he loves me etc and doesn’t want to lose me which tells me okay something in him wants to be with me) ...

his thought process is just extremely muddled and he doesn’t know what he wants (which is what I get from what he says). I mean he tells me he doesn’t expect me to wait around until he sorts his stuff out but says he doesn’t want to lose me but I see what your saying! It’s all just very confusing cause of how he acts and what he says

To me mixed messages mean: l am buying more time because l truly don't know what l want.

 

[BiancaLags]

To me mixed messages mean: l am buying more time because l truly don't know what l want.

hi there,

I think his going along with how we are because his testing the waters to actually see if he does want to be with me or not because I feel like if he didn’t want to be with me at all then he would’ve cut the cord a while ago. However It’s the whole, how long can I do this for without losing my mind and having my heart broken again sort of thing.
he said he doesn’t know what he wants and doesn’t know how long it will take him to figure his **** out

 

[BiancaLags]

If you and he both have established that he doesn't know what he wants, then what do you want, given this information?

I mean, what do you want for you? "I want him to give me a clear yes or no" is not an option, as he has given you consistent mixed messages and you both agree on this. Wishing will not make it so, nor will waiting.

Discovering, accepting, and honoring what you want now is the path forward, imo.

I want to be with him but it’s like I can only do this back and forth stuff for so long, it’s going on 9 months and it’s like nothings changed and now that uni has finished maybe his mind will be clear to figure out what he wants but can I keep waiting around? I want a partner and I wish it was him but him not knowing but then saying he doesn’t want to lose me and that he loves me just confuses me so much!!