girlwonders
Active Member
Hi,
I am new here, but I am sincerely needing some guidance.
I have been in a confusing relationship with an aspie man. Despite the confusion, I really have come to love him a great deal, and need some help determining the right path.
We grew up in the same small town, but were out of touch for 20 years. We reconnected in a place 1000 miles from where we grew up. We had both been through the ringer as far as relationships went. He was looking for work *everywhere* and I had little expectation that we had much in common. We decided it was a good set of circumstances to try a FWB thing.
Trouble was we became (what I thought) was incredibly close friends, with a real potential to be a great relationship for us both. We started making plans together to do different projects when the happy/terrible call came and he got a job roughly 16 hour drive away, in another country. It was heartbreaking..
But we didnt let go of each other. We continued to talk daily, text all day, and remain tight. We visited back and forth. HE bonded with my kids. Things were good, mostly. I missed him terribly and would occasionally ask him where we stood. He only said he loved me once (which I understoond to be pretty typical for aspies - so I accepted it) and he certainly ACTED like a man in love. truly. I didnt need to hear it, because he seemed to show it
Our last visit was basically for 3 weeks over Christmas. We has a GREAT time. (I thought) He seemed happy (I thought) and even the physical side of our relationship was even better.
5 days after he left, my mother got very ill, and I needed his support, but he kept not responding to my texts. Finally he said ten minutes, after 20 I gave up. and just went and cried myself to sleep. The next day, we finally spoke.
He basically told me he wanted to end the romantic part of our relationship. That he wasnt ready. That he was confused. That he needed space. We talked back and forth - then he had a panic attack so the convo ended. Over the last three weeks, we have had a few conversations, where as best as I can tell, He just doesnt want to be with me - though he admits he is very confused about his feelings. Mostly - that I feel more like family than a lover. He doesnt think he can figure out if its just me or if that is just how he is - without dating others. He has assured me there is no one else that he probably wont even date for awhile...
He wants to keep contact though.
So one day I text him and ask him how he is doing, he rattles off some things he is doing, I ask a question - he doesnt respond. Next day he sends me a text out of the blue 'dont take this as mixed messages, went to a bbq place and kept thinking how the kids would love it here'
What can I say to that? For me, it is either a complete mixed message, or kind of cruel.
So i say nothing.
Next day he contacts me and asks about a bill we share, and I respond. He asks if he can call. We talk. mostly about nothing, and the bill. Its a short call (for us).
Then he sends me a text 'hey, I think I know what I am getting kidx as a late Christmas gift'
I didnt respond, and quite frankly, I dont get it. From the get go, I learned everything I could about aspergers (I even see myself in some of the characteristics) So I am really trying to be patient about confusion and understanding feelings. He wants space - but HE keeps contacting ME. In fact - its kind of been that way all along. I let him determine the pace of things, because I didnt want to spook him.
Traditional knowledge says - cut off any ex. Because it just makes the hurting last longer and disrupts healing. Our connection we both agree - is unlike anything we have ever experienced, and, I really hate to close off the friendship, but... I really do love him, and to have him pop up unexpectedly makes it hard for me to heal, and consider moving on.
I suppose, it goes without saying, I would love for him to recognize how very good we are for each other, to each other - but - I also know -generally- that if a guy is into you, they dont give up without a fight.. or something like that.
Color me confused
I am new here, but I am sincerely needing some guidance.
I have been in a confusing relationship with an aspie man. Despite the confusion, I really have come to love him a great deal, and need some help determining the right path.
We grew up in the same small town, but were out of touch for 20 years. We reconnected in a place 1000 miles from where we grew up. We had both been through the ringer as far as relationships went. He was looking for work *everywhere* and I had little expectation that we had much in common. We decided it was a good set of circumstances to try a FWB thing.
Trouble was we became (what I thought) was incredibly close friends, with a real potential to be a great relationship for us both. We started making plans together to do different projects when the happy/terrible call came and he got a job roughly 16 hour drive away, in another country. It was heartbreaking..
But we didnt let go of each other. We continued to talk daily, text all day, and remain tight. We visited back and forth. HE bonded with my kids. Things were good, mostly. I missed him terribly and would occasionally ask him where we stood. He only said he loved me once (which I understoond to be pretty typical for aspies - so I accepted it) and he certainly ACTED like a man in love. truly. I didnt need to hear it, because he seemed to show it
Our last visit was basically for 3 weeks over Christmas. We has a GREAT time. (I thought) He seemed happy (I thought) and even the physical side of our relationship was even better.
5 days after he left, my mother got very ill, and I needed his support, but he kept not responding to my texts. Finally he said ten minutes, after 20 I gave up. and just went and cried myself to sleep. The next day, we finally spoke.
He basically told me he wanted to end the romantic part of our relationship. That he wasnt ready. That he was confused. That he needed space. We talked back and forth - then he had a panic attack so the convo ended. Over the last three weeks, we have had a few conversations, where as best as I can tell, He just doesnt want to be with me - though he admits he is very confused about his feelings. Mostly - that I feel more like family than a lover. He doesnt think he can figure out if its just me or if that is just how he is - without dating others. He has assured me there is no one else that he probably wont even date for awhile...
He wants to keep contact though.
So one day I text him and ask him how he is doing, he rattles off some things he is doing, I ask a question - he doesnt respond. Next day he sends me a text out of the blue 'dont take this as mixed messages, went to a bbq place and kept thinking how the kids would love it here'
What can I say to that? For me, it is either a complete mixed message, or kind of cruel.
So i say nothing.
Next day he contacts me and asks about a bill we share, and I respond. He asks if he can call. We talk. mostly about nothing, and the bill. Its a short call (for us).
Then he sends me a text 'hey, I think I know what I am getting kidx as a late Christmas gift'
I didnt respond, and quite frankly, I dont get it. From the get go, I learned everything I could about aspergers (I even see myself in some of the characteristics) So I am really trying to be patient about confusion and understanding feelings. He wants space - but HE keeps contacting ME. In fact - its kind of been that way all along. I let him determine the pace of things, because I didnt want to spook him.
Traditional knowledge says - cut off any ex. Because it just makes the hurting last longer and disrupts healing. Our connection we both agree - is unlike anything we have ever experienced, and, I really hate to close off the friendship, but... I really do love him, and to have him pop up unexpectedly makes it hard for me to heal, and consider moving on.
I suppose, it goes without saying, I would love for him to recognize how very good we are for each other, to each other - but - I also know -generally- that if a guy is into you, they dont give up without a fight.. or something like that.
Color me confused