Masking in our youth- a Look at “Rasputin”

[Rasputin]

“Rasputin” is the fourth individual from the left in this old high school photo. Me and the three individuals to my left were practically invisible all through high school, possibly all four of us neurodivergent. I recognized that I was different from first grade on, and intentionally created an enigma persona. Social interactions were awkward, so I avoided them altogether. I was a mystery all through school and later through my university education. I did not date until I was 28, and established in my job. You can tell I am masking in the photo, because of the blank expression indicating I had blocked out the perception of all people in attendance at the play. Some people look down or away to avoid eye contact; I focused on an area where there were no people.

The guy standing to my left was very similar, but was bullied all through school. I was not bullied much, because of my size and the fact that I was such an enigma. We were both considered “brains” in our class, me as a math and science whiz and he as a know it all full of memorized facts and statistics. We both went to a local university, but I don’t know much about him now other than he is a recluse. I learned social skills after graduating from university, have had a career spanning 40 years, and now have two Masters degrees and a PhD.

The two girls to our left were similarly enigmatic, but did not stand out to me in any way. It’s interesting that there was no screening for autism for people in my generation (late baby boomer); we had to learn to adapt to overcome any developmental disabilities on our own, with varying degrees of success.

Having masked for over 60 years, I don’t know if it is possible to not mask. However, since my diagnosis two years ago I don’t really attempt to hide the ASD. I am what I am, take it or leave it.

 

[Tom]

What was the name of the play? You guys look like the Chatanooga Chicken Pluckers Band.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I did not mask except to be socially avoidant. It was only with my first research position and living independently that I began to confront my social immaturity at 25. It took three years of work, sometimes enjoyable, sometimes not, to make good progress. But you are right about the baby boom. Not only were we in competition with a large cohort, but there was no knowledge of the developmental delays of ASD, and if we wanted to have some hope for a decent life, we had to learn to overcome deficits by ourselves.

 

[Rasputin]

What was the name of the play? You guys look like the Chatanooga Chicken Pluckers Band.

I don’t even remember now, but we were supposed to be at a hillbilly wedding.

 

[Rasputin]

I did not mask except to be socially avoidant. It was only with my first research position and living independently that I began to confront my social immaturity at 25. It took three years of work, sometimes enjoyable, sometimes not, to make good progress. But you are right about the baby boom. Not only were we in competition with a large cohort, but there was no knowledge of the developmental delays of ASD, and if we wanted to have some hope for a decent life, we had to learn to overcome deficits by ourselves.

I think we have some similar experiences. I had blocked out most of my childhood, so it was a challenge looking back at myself. Someone sent me the photo I posted, and it jogged my memory. I can say with 100% certainty that I was indeed autistic, though I did not know it until after I was diagnosed two years ago.

 

[tree]

I don’t even remember now, but we were supposed to be at a hillbilly wedding.

There's a play by that name, actually....
Heuer Publishing - A HILLBILLY WEDDIN'

 

[Rasputin]

There's a play by that name, actually....
Heuer Publishing - A HILLBILLY WEDDIN'

I think this is the play, though the script sounds more interesting than what I remember. My big part in the play as I recall was picking this girl up and walking off the stage with her over my shoulder. That is memorable because not too many guys in my class had the upper body strength that I had.

 

[mw2530]

I imagine you can add in Generation X or whatever generation comes after the boomers. Along with a portion, if not the entire millennial generation. I am in about the middle of the millennial generation, and received no special help and was never diagnosed. Other than I recall having to see a specialist when I was super young - I actually don't even remember but my older siblings tell me I did. But I don't think it was very long and they must of thought I would be fine. I imagine the awareness and exact timing of when autism began to be recognized varied my the state and school district someone is born into. I can't say for sure, but I imagine kids born today are screened for any spectrum of autism. Not sure how much help schools would have provided anyway if they knew more. But we did have to grow up and learn things on our own that is for sure. There certainly are life long negative consequences of living years not understanding why life seems so much more difficult than it is for others as well as why everyone else seemed like they were so happy all the time. But it is because we were silently suffering much of the time.

Each generation probably faced their own unique challenges as well. For me, I think the world is probably a much more confusing place than it used to be because of how fast things change today. In addition, I feel like our social fabric in the U.S. has been frayed and more and more people seem to be living lives of despair. But technology has probably made it easier to gather information regarding autism and to educate ourselves about it and connect with others with autism online such as on this forum. While that may have been much more difficult a few decades ago.

 

[Aspychata]

It's funny how we deny our social invisibleness (sp). We are quite comfortable in being invisible.

 

[Judge]

It's funny how we deny our social invisibleness (sp). We are quite comfortable in being invisible.

The ultimate "device" for our brand of solitude.

Y'all don't play some tunes from the Soggy Bottom Boys, do ya?

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I think we have some similar experiences. I had blocked out most of my childhood, so it was a challenge looking back at myself. Someone sent me the photo I posted, and it jogged my memory. I can say with 100% certainty that I was indeed autistic, though I did not know it until after I was diagnosed two years ago.

My wife had me pegged several decades ago, though I was diagnosed 11 years ago when my PTSD was ressurecting like some undead soul vampire.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

It's funny how we deny our social invisibleness (sp). We are quite comfortable in being invisible.

That can be a blessing and a curse. Having to do something social, I liked it. Later, when I desired connection for a relationship, it was a giant albatross around my neck.