Making plans

[mollynd]

I've built a close friendship with an aspie and adhd guy (I have adhd). We can't move things to a relationship largely due to him not being able to plan ahead. We only see each other when he calls last minute and that cannot work for a proper relationship. He hates being this way but cannot be any different.

Have any of you had similar issues and found a way round it. For example we can't say let's go out next Friday or even loosely plan when we will see each other. If we try he will either cancel or just be miserable the whole time as it hasn't happened how he needed it to.

We are both mid forties and both have family and work commitments that mean planning is often necessary to be able to spend time together but just don't know what could work for him to make this possible.

 

[rse92]

"i cannot be different" is an unacceptable and immature answer. If he wanted to make changes in his life to make time for you, he would. Being autistic does not excuse a man for being a jerk.

 

[mollynd]

Yeah part of me thinks like this but he does genuinely seem to hate this side of him but true can't hate it enough to be different. In reality we do see each other enough but frustratingly it is always unplanned so I don't get to ever look forward to anything as am just left in limbo wondering whether I will get a call at a time when I also happen to be free! There is a kind of pattern. He is nearly always free on a Wednesday night so he will often call then and we go out for dinner typically. But I shouldn't have to keep that free on the off chance as sometimes he doesn't call and I then feel disappointed and thinking on it if he already knows he isn't free one particular Wednesday he would never mention that ahead of time so I knew it definitely wouldn't happen. I guess I'm just enabling the behaviour by trying to make myself available!

So maybe the solution is simply that he has to want to do things differently. Maybe I need to be more unavailable last minute.

 

[AO1501]

Curious. So as long as the relationship can be built on your terms, by planning in advance, and not on his terms, spontaneously, all would be good.

The reality is that many people are inflexible, and a characteristic of that kind amongst autistic people is quite common. It isn't a 'choice' it's a reality for many which - perhaps in his case from your description, he is aware of and is not comfortable with, yet has not been able to change.

You might try helping him in some way, around perhaps planning something for the Wednesdays he is typically available. By doing that, even though it's a plan for what probably would be the case anyway, he might learn how to widen that to planning further out or for other days when in advance he otherwise wouldn't have been able to.

Deciding you might instead make yourself unavailable on the days when he predictably can be, doesn't seem at all like it might help advance any kind of relationship.

 

[mollynd]

Curious. So as long as the relationship can be built on your terms, by planning in advance, and not on his terms, spontaneously, all would be good.

The reality is that many people are inflexible, and a characteristic of that kind amongst autistic people is quite common. It isn't a 'choice' it's a reality for many which - perhaps in his case from your description, he is aware of and is not comfortable with, yet has not been able to change.

You might try helping him in some way, around perhaps planning something for the Wednesdays he is typically available. By doing that, even though it's a plan for what probably would be the case anyway, he might learn how to widen that to planning further out or for other days when in advance he otherwise wouldn't have been able to.

Deciding you might instead make yourself unavailable on the days when he predictably can be, doesn't seem at all like it might help advance any kind of relationship.

No it totally not about it needing to be on my terms. I currently have no say in anything and that affects both of us. If I call he rarely even answers. If he does and I suggest doing anything he will automatically say no. Even if he's free. Even if he wants to. It has to come from him.

I have accepted this for a long time but I can't allow my feelings to progress to relationship level not knowing when or if I will hear from or see him. I don't think that's unreasonable. It hurts even though I am understanding! I will also add it is him that has put the blocker on a relationship because of this issue as he thinks its unfair.

The last thing I want to do is make myself unavailable but I have to say at times I feel used. I asked for suggestions on how I could help him and the only suggestion so far was if he wanted to he would!

 

[Mr. Stevens]

It sounds like he either can't change--in which case a relationship is pointless--or he can, but won't or doesn't know how. I'm not sure what advice we could give. If he wants to take things further, why can't he get a therapist and work on making these changes? It sounds like they would benefit him, as well as any potential relationship he has.

If I knew I had such control in a relationship, I'd feel absolutely ashamed, and practically beg the other person to leave, if I couldn't change.

 

[mollynd]

It sounds like he either can't change--in which case a relationship is pointless--or he can, but won't or doesn't know how. I'm not sure what advice we could give. If he wants to take things further, why can't he get a therapist and work on making these changes? It sounds like they would benefit him, as well as any potential relationship he has.

If I knew I had such control in a relationship, I'd feel absolutely ashamed, and practically beg the other person to leave, if I couldn't change.

You've hit the nail on the head there. Its such a shame because its looks like the only way he can cope is to distance our friendship. There are feelings both side but he can't deal with this element of it and I know it affects other relationships he has. I really don't want to walk away but I think you're right its like he's begging me too!

I saw him last night (last minute call again) but the situation is the same we cannot see a way forward. He just said he cannot do it as much as he wants to and that he thinks it best if we just don't see each other again.

I know it was a long shot asking for advice but thank you for your reply.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

Sorry it didn't work out. Eventually you'll meet someone you like a lot who also meets those needs, though it's probably not enjoyable to think about now. Good luck with everything

 

[paloftoon]

It is also possible this person wasn't sure if he was really interested in you or wanted only something casual, but used this as an excuse. Next time you're in such a situation, break it off and move on to look for another person as soon as possible.

 

[mollynd]

It is also possible this person wasn't sure if he was really interested in you or wanted only something casual, but used this as an excuse. Next time you're in such a situation, break it off and move on to look for another person as soon as possible.

I think you're right. He back tracked said he wanted more and was going to look into how he could work on changing but has then done an about turn again it seems so I think he is just playing me. Not sure why as I am not pressuring him so I guess this may be a case of nothing to do with the aspergers and he is just using it as an excuse to keep me available if he chooses

 

[Magna]

I've built a close friendship with an aspie and adhd guy (I have adhd). We can't move things to a relationship largely due to him not being able to plan ahead. We only see each other when he calls last minute and that cannot work for a proper relationship. He hates being this way but cannot be any different.

Have any of you had similar issues and found a way round it. For example we can't say let's go out next Friday or even loosely plan when we will see each other. If we try he will either cancel or just be miserable the whole time as it hasn't happened how he needed it to.

We are both mid forties and both have family and work commitments that mean planning is often necessary to be able to spend time together but just don't know what could work for him to make this possible.

Welcome.

I'm an autistic man with ADHD (both professionally diagnosed). I'm a bit older than you and your BF.

I'm curious about two statements you've made, some of which I'll bold and underline because it's what I'm curious about: "We can't move things to a relationship largely due to him not being able to plan ahead." and later: "If we try he will either cancel or just be miserable the whole time as it hasn't happened how he needed it to."

The reason I'm curious about those statements is I'm coming from my own experience. I'm a planner. Going out, doing activities in public, etc are not things that I normally like to do spontaneously. The most spontaneous I prefer is my wife suggesting spontaneously that we do or go someplace that I'm familiar with. Am I so inflexible that I'll absolutely refuse any and all spontaneous suggestions of things I've never done before? No. But that's not my preference and the situation can certainly sometimes end up causing me unexpected anxiety and stress.

So when he "calls you last minute" to do things, has he planned ahead? I assume so if he doesn't like spontaneity. Could you say to him: "You know how you like to have time to plan ahead when we think about doing something or going somewhere? You like to mentally prepare for it? When you call me out of the blue to suggest we do something or go somewhere, I like to be able to know about those ideas in advance too. In the future, if you have an idea about something we can do together, I need you to call me then and tell me your idea so we can talk about it and plan it out together." Completely reasonable.

My guess is that he has a strong need for planning things out before he does them. Mentally preparing for a situation. Figuring out in advance how you perceive the situation to be most enjoyable which in part includes thinking about or planning to avoid aspects that would detract from the enjoyment or make it very difficult to even be achieved at all. So I wonder....why will he often not be able to plan like he wants to and as a result, why is he miserable because "it hasn't happened how he needed it to"? What exactly in your relationship with him is preventing him from planning/mentally preparing for your interactions in advance?