Love

[Lysander]

Being in a committed relationship is extremely important to me. I didn't know that until I was 20. I'm usually very indecisive. Had I not left home at 16, had I not been unexpectedly evicted two weeks after I was admitted to college and forced financially to drop out before classes had started, I doubt if I ever would have been socially isolated enough to figure it out - I actually don't want to be completely alone. Realizing this was one the first times I was mature enough to achieve clarity, and to understand the urgency of knowing whether I wanted something or not.

I think it's ok to be on the spectrum and still want love.

There's definitely someone out there who is right for you.

Personally I find others on the spectrum are easier to relate with. It helps that neither of you notice one another's social faux pas, or better yet, even care.

 

[tlc]

I don't read "giving up" in anything he said. He, and I, lost interest and shifted priorities, is what I'm getting from his posts.

Yes exactly. I chose to stop looking for love and it has made me feel better about myself. I have many other things that I want to put my precious time towards.

 

[VAW]

How important is finding love/a soul mate to any others on the spectrum? It is so important to me I feel, that if I continue to get nothing I don't want to live

Wow Erin, when I read this it reminds me so much of my son who says the same thing (he is the one with Asperger's) He has said he doesn't want to live in this empty existence. I wish so bad that he could find a girl and he would be happy. His girlfriend of 8 or 10 years (long distance girlfriend) all of a sudden just stopped talking to him after they talked every day and moved in with another guy and now blocked him on everything. He is totally heartbroken and feels there is nothing for him in this world.

 

[JDShredds]

It makes me sad to hear you (Erin) say you wouldn't want to live without it. Yet I know the feeling.

This is one of those things that I think drove me a lot more than I ever wanted to admit. That led to me getting involved in my only serious relationship at 21 (when I had told myself I wouldn't get tied down until I achieved the career I wanted in music) and only now at 35 coming out of a divorce and realizing how much I sacrificed for the sake of that relationship... especially all that time and not pursuing music like I was supposed to (which, to be fair, was easy to do out of fear).

When you've loved and lost - particularly been betrayed - it permanently changes your perspective on it. With that said, it is one of the most meaningful parts of life. The early stages make you stupid and full of butterflies, but if it blossoms into a give and take and a healthy long term relationship, it is truly beautiful and life-giving... whether that is literal or metaphorical.

P.S. On this topic, I'm kicking myself for not getting the contact info from a girl I met at the Vet Clinic earlier this week (we both brought our cats in and chatted a lot - either I'm crazy or there was mutual attraction but I was too much of a nervous wreck over my sick cat to do anything.. dammit lol).

 

[HidinginPlainSight]

How important is finding love/a soul mate to any others on the spectrum? It is so important to me I feel, that if I continue to get nothing I don't want to live

There was a time when it was quite important and there are times now when it feels quite important, but I'm better able to manage it, having felt that let down many times before. It's extremely difficult being on the spectrum because, I think, many of us get feelings of loyalty that aren't expressed by other people. Meaning that once we feel that toward someone, it becomes very extreme.

I have accepted that I'm likely not about to find someone who accepts my idiosyncrasies; some of which can even sound charming in isolation. That doesn't mean I've stopped looking completely, more like I've become more accepting of disappointment. I've had many women show some attention only to mysterious (to me) disappear; I suspect it has something to do with finding out that I have difficulty with social situations. They really do seem to like me, so it's confusing.

As for feeling emotions intensely, there is no doubt that this is part of the condition. They called it emotional problems when I was a kid and I can still feel myself falling into it. My only suggestion that is if you're feeling alienated, try to think about the things that you can take simple joys in that aren't dependent on the response of another person. But yeah, it's difficult.

 

[WittyAspie]

I consider finding a partner to be very important. I have tried recently to make finding a partner less of a priority, but no matter what I do it is something I really want. Something that has helped me is focusing on making friends. This helps me keep my expectations in check and has given me a community of people that care about me. I still want that special someone who wants to spend time with me more than anyone else in the world, but at least I have friends who enjoy my company now.

Do you have any close friends you can count on and regularly spend time with? For me the most despairing part of not dating someone is the loneliness. Having good friends really helps with the feelings of desperation, which makes being single more bearable.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

It's very hard to find love. Matter of fact before I knew I had Asperger's I use to image a book so bit it could have weight a ton to meet people, fall in love and was about 10,000 pages long of how to accomplish it.

BTW Erin love your selfie. Mine was talking quickly and is old a few months with my big male cat "Sandy" laying on me.

 

[SeanDIdgeridoo1996]

Really important to me, I have one or two friends that I don't really see so I'm alone and isolated over 90% percent of the time so when I see happy couples all around me it's a real drag because it just consolidates my loneliness and reminds me of what I'm missing.

 

[guitarandtattoos]

@Erin after coming back here and reading through yours and others comments It kind of brought me back to a time when I was single and use to crank James Taylor's "One Man Dog" record.

Anyway, here's my favorite song from it:

 

[tducey]

I'm 36 and have never had a girlfriend. It is what it is but I do miss the companionship of it all.

 

[Omnik]

I think that you should not listen to anybody except your heart. Because it is you who knows for sure what you feel and what you really need. My DH was not very persistent or pushy, it was me actually who made the first step and I have no regrets about that. We had a beautiful wedding last month and please accept my advice for future use a planner to save your time, money and nerves I used this one 12 Month Wedding Planning Timeline (Ultimate Guide for 2019) Hope you will find your path!

 

[Jojo_LB]

I think it used to matter to me so much more when I was younger. I would've probably told you that it didn't matter to me so much, but that would've been a lie so as not to expose how much I felt I needed to be in a relationship.

I think it's natural for human beings to want love. But it's where we get that love that can differ from person to person.

Due to my difficult childhood and adolescence and teenage and young adult years (yes, admittedly life was extremely difficult up until the age of about 30. I am now 35.), I measured my self-worth by the love people gave me. I did not know how to be in relationships. When I was a teenager, I was so awkward around those I had any sort of romantic interest in, because I had no idea what it was like to be in a healthy relationship, with anyone.

I had a terrible first marriage. Then fast forward to my second marriage. Sad to say that I was guilty of using my husband as an emotional crutch almost all the time. I met him when I was 28, and at that age I still didn't know what it truly meant to be in a healthy relationship. It wasn't fair to him. And I wasn't learning how to love and accept myself, which is what I really needed.

By some miracle, and a LOT of hard work, we made it through our toughest times and we now have a very strong, loving relationship. And it's funny, because now that I'm finally in a healthy, mature relationship I can say that if I was alone right now, if I didn't have him in my life, I think I'd be OK. The last five years especially have been so educational and eye-opening for me and I'm so glad that I keep getting better.

It's OK and normal to want love from others. But we can't fully rely on it because we can't expect that others will love us. So we have to be prepared to be alone, I think. Maybe you feel like you really need the love of others because your experiences robbed you of your sense of self. I don't know. Only you do. That was certainly the case for me. And once I re-discovered who I really was and fully accepted and even dared to be unapologetic about it, I started finding love where I didn't expect it be!

 

[Holder of the Heel]

How important is finding love/a soul mate to any others on the spectrum? It is so important to me I feel, that if I continue to get nothing I don't want to live

During my middle school and high school days I felt the same--as Fino mentions, I thought it was the purpose for existing.

Gosh... if I could go back, I'd save all that time I wasted agonizing over unrequited love.

My junior and senior year I had moved to a new school and had actually acquired my first relationships, both online and in-person. Although with just about every single one of them I, ironically, was the one that pushed myself out of them.

At the start it's amazing and all I can think about--the blood pumping and the hormones flowing. I'd convince myself and them too that they are perfect and I'd always want them around. But as time passes and my heart stops racing, my natural state of wanting space to do what I want, not be bothered with obligatory conversations, and have no one looking over my shoulder or asking about what's going on in my head--it all reemerged and suddenly I'd turn cold.

The sinister thing about it all is that each time, I'd think I have learned my lesson, but catching feelings is like getting a hit on the noggin and I experience temporary amnesia. I find myself wanting to repeat the cycle of hot and cold like I don't know any better.

People have pointed out the truth of the matter already--if you aren't happy yourself, if you aren't independent deep down, you can't take care of someone else and have the discipline to build a relationship greater than yourself. Due to my social and emotional inadequacies I've not matured despite getting older.

It's been many years now since that time and I've basically been isolated so I've managed to avoid that trap for a while now. In my mind, I understand that even attempting to form a bond with someone cannot be done without me fully becoming a capable adult that isn't dependent on anyone else. But my heart is my enemy. It will pin all my hopes and dreams on a woman if I'm not careful. But that's not a relationship and that is not how you fix yourself.

 

[TopherPwn]

I've had many women ask me to get married, but I also felt they didn't love me like I loved them. My mind has always made me ponder about others. I always thought I'd find myself growing old with someone. Although I wasn't sure if they wanted me. I always thought they
we're just addicted to my kindness of my heart. I fear I was looking for the one and not the one in front of me.I could never show off my truly goofy side in front of them. Although I always knew I was different. I just couldn't grasp how. Still they all told me it took months to understand the way I think when I speak. Hopefully it's something I'll overcome. Since I'm starting to understand why I'm different. Hope that helps, have a great day.

 

[Nauti]

I met the love of my life at the age of 37, he was 44. I'm 46 now and we are more in love than ever. We both experienced extreme amounts of suffering, abuse, trauma, injustice and aileination before we found each other. Both of us has struggled very intensely, just to stay alive and to care for children that we had procreated with narcissistic people.

We had been operating from niave, ideological positions and we discovered that we had been mislead, exploited and had undervalued ourselves as a result.

The thing about us, is that we both maintain passionate curiosity and inquiry into lots of things. We are forever growing, learning, in touch with our childlike wonder, exploring big questions and are commited to figuring out truth from untruth.

Our existential inquiry, our intellectual inquiries, our never taking each other for granted, our honesty and accountability and our life-honed maturity, as well as our sense of fun, being present and fairness and kindness, with a good dose of fearless honesty is what keeps our lovely, long term friendship alive and fresh.

Finding a life companion requires courage and honesty, maturity and a healthy sense of self and boundaries. It might take years and years to acheive, and it takes being a person YOU LIKE and then being courageous enough to share who you are with someone. And it takes being discerning and only giving trust to someone to someone trustworthy, that's a tricky thing and usually only possible after experiencing the opposite, so, in this case, getting burnt is a way of learning how to avoid being hurt by fire.

I would say courage, honesty and self responsibility are the qualities most crucial in developing the wisdom and integrity needed, to be in a position to cultivate a quality, sustainable and fulfilling relationship, IMO.

 

[Matthew Behnke]

I have loved a few people, they live far away from me though and not in country, but in my opinion, it doesn't matter where someone is from as long as they make me feel happy and introduce their way of life to me and show me it.

The first person I liked got me interested in love, I stayed committed in the relationship till they didn't want me anymore, I was saddened and wasn't very good at handling it, I remained their friend afterwards but it was probably best to stay away and focus on liking someone else.

I decided to get my second love, I like them because I actually know what they look like, my first love was very shy about revealing their real selves, I am happy with them more, I now try to be with her and care, I managed to meet her because I was introduced to instagram, I messaged her and we got together.

I love relationships mostly because they make one feel happy about life and the extreme joy that comes from love.