Love & Self-loathing

[capybara]

I'm a bit hesitant about posting this, but oh well. I suppose it won't hurt, and the people in this forum do give very good advice.

I've slowly been falling in love with my best friend, for about a year now. There is a part of me that wants to know if he feels the same, and there's another (much larger and louder) part that keeps telling me that I should probably just stay still and do nothing.

I know he cares a lot about me, too. We meet up as often as we can (I live three hours away from him, so it's not very often!) and we chat on Facebook whenever we're both online (also not very often, since he works a lot). He is very very caring and, when we're together, is constantly asking if I'm alright, if I need anything, and to let him know if I need to leave or to get some fresh air. Sometimes I even tell him that he worries too much, but I do the same, so I can't complain. He is one of the very few people who doesn't seem to mind that I am the way I am.

The last time I saw him was June 21st. I spent the night with him, (we stayed out until very late, so I couldn't catch the train home) and we talked and talked and talked, until I fell asleep mid-conversation, ahah. It felt amazing. However, he also told me that he was in a relationship with someone else, he said "there's no pressure; when we're together, we're together, but when we're not, that's fine as well." That made me think that it's a non-committal relationship.

I asked a couple of friends, whom I trust, what to do, and they basically told me to let him know how I feel, because if I don't, then I'll never know. For a while, this seemed like a good thing to do, but then my over-thinking brain kicked in, and now I'm leaning towards just leaving things as they are, while also wanting to know how he feels!

Lately, I've also been dealing with a lot of self-loathing thoughts. I keep thinking "Who would want to be with you? Why would someone want to date you? You are rude and awkward and clumsy, and half the time you can't understand people. In the grand scheme of things, you are nothing; you are not important, you are expendable." Not very good thoughts, but I can't seem to push them away. My friend is an important figure in Portuguese activism, he knows a lot of people, he cares about a lot of people, he is kind and caring towards a lot of people; why would I be any different? Besides, the chance that I completely misinterpreted his relationship is quite a great one. He knows so, so many amazing, beautiful people, charismatic ones who are out there doing great things and fighting for our rights, while I am like a tiny mouse who never leaves the house and is always on the internet.

I don't know what to do. On the one hand, I want to know, but on the other, I'm so afraid telling him will turn things awkward, or will ruin our relationship, and he is the only person I fully trust. I know this might be a bit of a mess, my mind is a mess, too, but I would like some advice on what to do. If I manage to get a hold of him by then, we might be meeting again on the 11th. I don't know what to do, and I'm a bit scared.

 

[Beverly]

Can you go out with a group of NT friends with this one along? Friends you could later ask to give you their take on his body language. He may be sending non verbal signals that he likes you as more than a friend that you aren't picking up on. The opinions of a more objective friend watching the two of you together might be helpful.

 

[capybara]

I don't know. I don't know his friends very well, (only met them once) definitely not well enough to ask them such a thing. However, a friend of ours that we met on the 20th did come up to me and refer to him as my boyfriend, and when I corrected her, she asked "Are you sure?" Heh. I asked her, and she says he's very kind and tender towards me, but I'm not sure that means anything. He wasn't like that towards anyone else that night, but then again, it was mostly me who initiated contact.

 

[Beverly]

I don't know. I don't know his friends very well, (only met them once) definitely not well enough to ask them such a thing. However, a friend of ours that we met on the 20th did come up to me and refer to him as my boyfriend, and when I corrected her, she asked "Are you sure?" Heh. I asked her, and she says he's very kind and tender towards me, but I'm not sure that means anything. He wasn't like that towards anyone else that night, but then again, it was mostly me who initiated contact.

That means something, it means he cares about your well being and happiness. That's how my husband was toward me when we were just friends. I didn't pick up on it but, as soon as he though the timing was right, he skipped dating all together and asked me to marry him.

I would ask him, make it clear that you don't want to mess up your friendship or make it weird but, since you are an Aspie, you don't read non verbal hints well at all so, you need to know if you've missed anything. He sounds like he will understand, and from then on, he will remember to tell you if you miss something important.

 

[Tom]

I would trust your gut instinct on this one. My opinion is that if he wanted an intimate relationship you would know it clearly. At least that is the way it seems to work with most guys. That doesn't mean it might not develop in the future, but beware just being a rebound thing if his other relationship breaks up.

Don't be so hard on yourself as far as self-worth goes. Different types of people do different things well and most are in the backround, not the limelight. Respect, to a large degree begins with yourself. It's built on being your own person and not owned or controlled by anyone else, and also sticking to your beliefs, whatever they are.

 

[capybara]

That's how my husband was toward me when we were just friends. I didn't pick up on it but, as soon as he though the timing was right, he skipped dating all together and asked me to marry him.

That is so sweet.

I'm not sure what my gut is telling me, to be quite honest. I really, really want to tell him, but at the same time I'm terrified of it. I know he won't react badly, but I will feel so embarrassed if he says no. I've never been in a relationship before, I'm not entirely sure of the nuances of it all.

Having that conversation through Facebook would be so much easier, but my friends say it's best to do it in person, but there are so many questions! Do I tell him at the start, when we meet, or before I leave? What do I say? And what if things do turn awkward? I know I have to figure it out by myself, but I really wish I had all the answers at the tip of my tongue.

We'll be having lunch together on the 11th. I'm still not sure if I should let him know beforehand that I have something to discuss, I think it could keep us a bit stressed until then so, so far, I haven't said anything.

Don't be so hard on yourself as far as self-worth goes. Different types of people do different things well and most are in the backround, not the limelight. Respect, to a large degree begins with yourself. It's built on being your own person and not owned or controlled by anyone else, and also sticking to your beliefs, whatever they are.

I really do need to remind myself of that more often. It's so easy to get caught in a downward spiral when I'm tired and upset, and so difficult to pull myself out of it. If I keep on hating myself, then I certainly won't get out of it so easily.