Looking for advice

[Michael B]

I'm in my 20s from the UK and I worry that I won't be able to have a girlfriend in my 20s again. I was in a relationship with one 2 years ago who I met at a youth club which was good because had been single for 6 years that time and was only with her for 2 months. She dumped me because if her mum saw me with her she would call the police on me plus wasn't local and I was just lucky to have one at the time. I have never slept with a girl before I get upset when I see fit girls with boys who are nothing and because it should be me :-( My syndrome don't help me trying to get one and because of that condition I won't find a decent girl, if I was famous or like One Direction I could get anyone I want. I think about having one everyday it's the only thing what will make me happy. I always wanted to go shopping, cinema and all that stuff with my girlfriend that's like my dream and I fear that it won't happen because the way I am. I work and drive and yet I would sacrifice all of that just to live that perfect life. I can not live without one I don't want to die alone. I ask my mum a lot about my issues when I'm depressed and she always says that you will find someone. Hope you guys understand how I feel.

 

[142857]

I understand, I didn't have a girlfriend at all until I was 36 years old. AS does make it a lot more difficult.

All I can really suggest is to be as socially active as you can be and try to make friends and acquaintances of both genders.

Fixating on your lack of a girlfriend and wanting one as much as you do is probably making things even more difficult. Try to concentrate on having fun socially and on being as happy as you can be.

 

[Turk]

Hi Michael,
Im sorry you have to suffer through situations like this. And yes Aspergers can be a lonely existance. My son was in desperate need of a girlfriend, not unlike you. Every relationship he entered into failed, within a very short time. As soon as he stopped looking and having expections, love found him. His secret, keep putting yourself out there, where your likely to be noticed. I do believe there is someone for everyone and they are worth waiting for. Have you considered some counseling about this issue. One's self esteem can really take a hit, which can amplify feelings of despair, when trying to deal with stuff like this. Work on yourself, be everything you can be and live life without deception, and you may be truely amazed, by who is drawn into your life. Dont lose hope and come speak to us in your times of despair.
Cheers
Turk

 

[Michael B]

Thanks for the advice buddy that's interesting I did have some counseling a few years ago and it did make a difference because I was worser before doing counseling and I will let know if I get on okay

 

[Michael B]

142857 Thanks for understanding me and yes your right.

 

[Flinty]

My advice: about 67 per cent of my prior relationships came out of nowhere as a complete surprise. Lower your expectations and try less hard.

 

[abdoriginal]

Well I have a bit of a different opinion. But first, why would her mom call the cops on you?
But my advice is keep your standards as they are. Do not lower them. The right girl will come one day. Lowering your expectations actually leads to being more depressed because you tend to be less happy with people that fit into your lower expectations. If you are religious, remember that God has a very special woman waiting for you, you just need to be so focused on God that He will be able to show her to you. Try listening to KLOVE. It's a Christian radio broadcast based in the US, slowly expanding outwards though. They have a French broadcast but that's it so far. More soon. But since you're in the UK, go to their website, klove.com to stream it. It helps me a lot in focusing on God, and He knows my deep need for a husband, and I have only recently submitted myself all to Him and it was because of KLOVE. I am able to not focus on relationships happening around me, like how I used to just see a couple holding hands and hide myself away crying in envy. But now I am in Him, and He in I, and I have come to accept that everything will happen in His timing.

 

[Turk]

Well I have a bit of a different opinion. But first, why would her mom call the cops on you?
But my advice is keep your standards as they are. Do not lower them. The right girl will come one day. Lowering your expectations actually leads to being more depressed because you tend to be less happy with people that fit into your lower expectations. If you are religious, remember that God has a very special woman waiting for you, you just need to be so focused on God that He will be able to show her to you. Try listening to KLOVE. It's a Christian radio broadcast based in the US, slowly expanding outwards though. They have a French broadcast but that's it so far. More soon. But since you're in the UK, go to their website, klove.com to stream it. It helps me a lot in focusing on God, and He knows my deep need for a husband, and I have only recently submitted myself all to Him and it was because of KLOVE. I am able to not focus on relationships happening around me, like how I used to just see a couple holding hands and hide myself away crying in envy. But now I am in Him, and He in I, and I have come to accept that everything will happen in His timing.

Ok, I think there might be some misunderstanding here. No where, in any of the posts, was anyone, referring to Micheal lowering his standards. Expectations and standards are 2 different things. We were merely suggesting, not to go out with the expectation, that you were going to find miss right on that night. Expectations in the hands of an Aspie are a dangerous concept, if they are not met. We fall a lot further, into the bottomless pit of despair, when things dont go as expected , than if we were more realistic. For instance - go out have fun and if love comes your way, take it as a bonus. There is far more euphoric magic in the end result, than if you expect it, and it doesnt pan out.
Cheers
Turk

 

[Grumpy Cat]

First of all, I'm a realist so don't give up the car and job unless you plan on walking everywhere and doing nothing that requires money on your dates.
It also sounds like you're expecting someone else to make you happy and that's never going to work. Too much pressure for the other person. You have to find your own happiness first then work on positive things that you can bring to a relationship. I wouldn't want a relationship with someone who was too clingy and dependent on me to make them happy. It would just suck the energy right from me and I wouldn't be happy. Build up your hobbies, interests and outward appearance so you have something to offer and make a list of what you want in a girlfriend then wait and don't settle.

 

[Judge]

We see a fair number of posts like yours here. Author Shel Silverstein wrote a charming little story with a profound message along such lines titled, "The Missing Piece Meets The Big O".

The Missing Piece Meets the Big O

In essence, that you don't require a mate to be "complete".

 

[142857]

You have to find your own happiness first then work on positive things that you can bring to a relationship.

QFT, great advice and philosophy there.

My attitude, though, is to forget all about a "shopping list" of qualities and characteristics that you are looking for in a person. That makes it too easy to completely miss someone who might be great for you but isn't what you thought you were looking for. Keep an open mind when you meet people.

 

[nowwhat]

Does she make you want to be a better person? Do you admire her? Do you fancy her? Does she seem out of your league? Do you want what's best for her, regardless of what it means for you? Is she unspeakably marvelous? Does her presence render your tongue and brain temporarily inoperable? Do you want to know everything about her? Would being with her take courage on your part? Does the light shine brighter on the world when she's around? Is every love song suddenly about her?

Forget the list of attributes. Hair, build, edcation, talents, background, etc. etc. Toss it. Does she make you feel this way? But does she feel the same. Therein, almost always, lies the rub. This stuff is agonizing for everyone, aspie or not. Can't rush it. Can't make it happen. Same boat, everyone.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

QFT, great advice and philosophy there.

My attitude, though, is to forget all about a "shopping list" of qualities and characteristics that you are looking for in a person. That makes it too easy to completely miss someone who might be great for you but isn't what you thought you were looking for. Keep an open mind when you meet people.

I understand what you're saying about "the list" (which I must say has been updated quite frequently", but I know what I can tolerate and not tolerate. "The List" helps me to avoid any unfortunate mishaps.

 

[nowwhat]

I understand what you're saying about "the list" (which I must say has been updated quite frequently", but I know what I can tolerate and not tolerate. "The List" helps me to avoid any unfortunate mishaps.

Yes. I should add. There are dealbreakers that must be avoided. Hopefully it's a short list. We all become tedious over time. Know your dealbreakers.

 

[Maelstrom]

[QUOTE="Michael She dumped me because if her mum saw me with her she would call the police on me [/QUOTE]

Lets see no one wants to point out the Elephant in the room? We've got is she under age? Or is your mom related to Norman Bates? Neither of these bode well for long term dating prospects. Hmmm I wonder why?

 

[Thesaurusrex]

A couple of people have raised the question - why would your ex's mother call the police?

I think a few people have given some great advice here, and I second Angela's comments. You absolutely cannot go into any kind of relationship with the expectation or reliance on the other person providing you happiness. You have to provide your own happiness, and then whenever you do find a girl and the two of you decide to get romantically involved with one another, you share that happiness.

I get upset when I see fit girls with boys who are nothing and because it should be me :-(

Perhaps, instead of focusing on other people and other people's relationships and deeming other men unworthy (this makes you sound self-entitled, which, frankly, is seriously unbecoming), you can work on yourself - your interests and values and et cetera - and improve on what you can bring to and offer in a relationship.