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Looking for advice

Akh

New Member
Hello,

We are looking for some advice about our 4.5 year old daughter.

For background - we are awaiting a developmental paediatric appointment, so currently have no official diagnosis. Suspected high functioning ASD/Aspergers.

Our daughter has always been sensitive to loud noises from a very young age. At her 2 year review (over the phone because of COVID), I raised this as well as issues with aggressive biting (parents only) and a few other things (e.g. needing routine).

We are currently at a stage where she will not speak to other children (at school or with us) even when they are in her face trying to get her attention - she appears not to reognise social cues in that respect.

She is verbal, loves maths and reading etc. People describe her as 'always on the go'.

When excited / overwhelmed she either shakes or jumps up and down flapping her hands, then becomes non-verbal for example licking us, or making random noises (usually meowing/woofing).

She has difficulty transitioning between activities at home, or when planned / non-planned routine changes. Her eye contact is limited.

When overstimulated / tired, she sometimes spins in circles and has difficulty switching off and calming down for sleep.

Recently she told us colours have an order, and the other day she sorted all her toys in the bath in colour groups after the bath was emptied.

We attended an appointment with the Health Visitor last month who went though the ages and stages questionnaires for her age group. The first one was fine. The social/emotional one has a score of over 95 as needing referral - she scored 190, hence she is being referred.

But our main problem at the moment is biting. She bites because she finds it difficult to express her feelings. We have tried trying to get her to tell us how she feels, but to no avail. She only bites us, and all reports from preschool / school say they have never seen this behaviour from her.

Does anyone know of any good sensory chew toys for biting specifically? Or have any advice in general for us on different ways we can try and help her?

Thanks for reading.
 
Given her emotional problems, you might want to look into attachment disorder which can cause very similar symptoms as autism but has more effective treatments. It's possible to meet the criteria for both conditions. Reading self-help books to improve emotional intelligence can help regardless of which conditions she meets the criteria for.

 
Given her emotional problems, you might want to look into attachment disorder which can cause very similar symptoms as autism but has more effective treatments. It's possible to meet the criteria for both conditions. Reading self-help books to improve emotional intelligence can help regardless of which conditions she meets the criteria for.

Thank you for your reply. We will definitely look at attachment disorder, and some self-help books :)
 
Some questions/comments. One intended to make you consider the nature of your questions.

1. Do you have any reason to expect that your daughter is capable of answering "how are you feeling"?
If not, you're applying stress at exactly the wrong time (Yes - stress. Think about it).
Your normal style of communication may be completely inappropriate for e.g. the "biting problem".

2. You won't get USD 500+/hr medical advice at a gathering place for people who are on the spectrum.
It's like using someone who's broken a bone long ago to put a cast on your broken leg. You might get a serviceable temporary splint and a ride to the hospital, but you'd prefer professionals to line it up (you want that done fast, and without errors :) and put the cast on.

On this site you might get good data based on personal experience, but not so much about a very young child (adults don't remember back that far). Even the 500/hr pros don't understand us, nor does any individual necessarily truly understand themselves.
Saying "here's a hard problem, please fix it" is asking a lot - it may well be making a unfulfillable request.

IMO, If you want something useful, *you* need to ask questions that *can* be answered (also see below for another perspective).

I'd be prepared to follow up on this , but TBH most NT's never really engage. I'm not trying to be a gatekeeper, and I do hope others here can and do help you ... but personally I'll be waiting for good questions.

3. IMO this one is important. I say something like this to e.g. NT's who have "lost" their AS BF/GF. But they never listen /sigh..

You don't think the same way as your daughter and vice-versa. You can't change that - it's believed to be a difference in "hardware". You can't expect your normal assumptions will hold, nor trust your experience (direct or indirect) with NT children and their NT parents.

This should be liberating. When there's an actual problem, realistic expectations are a lot more useful than pipe dreams. But so far nobody has ever followed up on it :)

4. Closing on a high(er) note:
In general, ASD1's, especially smart ones, can get better at interacting with the world. We can figure things out for ourselves, we can be taught (though there are very few teachers), and we can find life-situations that work for us.
(NB: It's even possible that, now that we're no longer completely invisible, the support infrastructure will improve. Perhaps in time for your daughters early teen years.)

An example of "Aspie-friendly" environments: my profession, IT, is full of ASD1's and relatively extreme introverts.
We have no problem getting on with our NT colleagues and even with our Project Managers and "pointy-headed admin/card-holder Managers". Also we make plenty of money, and in most of the world we don't work too hard :)
IT is not the only Aspie-friendly place OFC - there are many more. But it's the only one for which I can share direct experience.

FWIW I can imagine applying your daughter's visual acuity and interest + analytical skills in many (lucrative) areas of IT.
 
Last edited:
Hello,

We are looking for some advice about our 4.5 year old daughter.

For background - we are awaiting a developmental paediatric appointment, so currently have no official diagnosis. Suspected high functioning ASD/Aspergers.

Our daughter has always been sensitive to loud noises from a very young age. At her 2 year review (over the phone because of COVID), I raised this as well as issues with aggressive biting (parents only) and a few other things (e.g. needing routine).

We are currently at a stage where she will not speak to other children (at school or with us) even when they are in her face trying to get her attention - she appears not to reognise social cues in that respect.

She is verbal, loves maths and reading etc. People describe her as 'always on the go'.

When excited / overwhelmed she either shakes or jumps up and down flapping her hands, then becomes non-verbal for example licking us, or making random noises (usually meowing/woofing).

She has difficulty transitioning between activities at home, or when planned / non-planned routine changes. Her eye contact is limited.

When overstimulated / tired, she sometimes spins in circles and has difficulty switching off and calming down for sleep.

Recently she told us colours have an order, and the other day she sorted all her toys in the bath in colour groups after the bath was emptied.

We attended an appointment with the Health Visitor last month who went though the ages and stages questionnaires for her age group. The first one was fine. The social/emotional one has a score of over 95 as needing referral - she scored 190, hence she is being referred.

But our main problem at the moment is biting. She bites because she finds it difficult to express her feelings. We have tried trying to get her to tell us how she feels, but to no avail. She only bites us, and all reports from preschool / school say they have never seen this behaviour from her.

Does anyone know of any good sensory chew toys for biting specifically? Or have any advice in general for us on different ways we can try and help her?

Thanks for reading.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things to get a formal diagnosis. I have no idea how to prevent a four-year-old from biting. Many kids go through a biting stage. As you say, I assume they are so frustrated and lacking in words that it is the only way they know to express that frustration. One of my daughters was a biter, too, at about age 2 and 3 years as far as I recall. Somehow, some way, we got her to understand that it wasn't acceptable. When we sensed she was about to bite, we'd hold up our hand close to her face, palm facing her, and tell her not to bite.

Your idea about a chewable toy or stim toy may work. It's worth a try.

Hang in there. This biting phase is most likely temporary, and it will pass.
 
First and only absolute about autism, it is unique to the individual. It is not a disease that needs to be 'cured' for that child to become 'normal'. It is their brain's operating system, basically how they respond to stimuli from the outside world.

And a younger child just starting school in a post pandemic world, is going to be hard on any kid, but it will be especially hard on an autistic child. Sensory overload is an absolute given. It is like going from a reading room in the library to the middle of an NFL football game. It is instant overload and chaos everywhere and most kids that age don't have tools to articulate their distress so they stim to release some of the overload (hand flapping, rocking, etc).

Selective mutism is another defensive mechanism in high sensory environments. All ready at capacity, an autistic child is trying desperately to regain control and then another kid pushes into their space demanding attention and interaction from the autistic child. The autistic child simply doesn't have the physical resources (energy) at hand to reciprocate on a meaningful level with the other child so the autistic child will deliberately seek to avoid the interaction because they are running on overload.

Look at the sensory issues first and foremost. Get those within comfortable parameters for the child. Once the nervous system is on an even baseline function, it is surprising how much better a child can feel both physically and mentally. Also know that 40 - 60% of autistics also have a comorbidity with ADHD.

Growing up my sensory overload manifested in meltdown inducing migraines no medication could touch. It was absolute misery that was unescapable. Complete sensory deprivation with the sole exception of one song on repeat as a grounding tool, was the only way to force my system to shutdown and reboot. Realising it was sensory overload that was triggering my migraines when I moved out for college was life changing, in a very good way. I made changes and set workable limits for things like family gatherings and plans with friends. (Advance notice on everything so I have time to back stock a few resources.)

Simply put, work with the system of the autistic child, not against it. An autistic brain is not diseased or damaged. It processes information in a totally different way than a neurotypical brain. And by treating the brain as if it is broken and trying to correct everything an autistic child does so they appear 'normal', it will decimate their self esteem, increase acting out, foster resentment, and intractibility. Work with their systems when they start to stress and let them progress at a rate that is comfortable to them.

Get creative with tools. Alexithymia, or muddled emotions, not knowing exactly what they mean is almost 100% across the board with autism. Kids have a much harder time with it than adults do because they don't have the tools to articulate how they really feel. All they have is a giant, festering emotion. Consider the child's interests, and maybe develop a system based on numbers if they like math. 100 has a happy set of eyes. Incorperate a strength into a communication tool so the child doesn't feel like they have failed for having these overwhelming emotions.

The biting may be rooted in a frustration with the lack of communication and has become a way to get the attention, albeit in a negative way. It is a form of acting out.
 

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