optimistic42
Active Member
I'm new to the knowledge of Asperger's. My husband keeps telling me he is miserable in our marriage. I've gone to great lengths to make sure he gets what he wants and try to keep him entertained and not very stressed. I do the cleaning, shopping, mowing the lawn, major landscaping (attempted lol), finances, holiday gifts and the wrapping for both sides of the family, future planning, make sure he takes his meds, sleeps, and eats. SOOOO much! I feel like he doesn't appreciate any of it. So I treated him the same as he treat me, hoping he'd see how it was emotionally abusive and confusing and correct his own behavior. He only understand I was making him miserable, not that he was making me miserable causing my reactions to it.
He did some gaslighting with me before his departure. He called the cops when I asked if he was still wanting to talk to the emotional affair he was having. He told me he had stopped but then I saw him talking to her still. Goodness! It gets worse than this, but I now realize he has Asperger's. I'm almost positive.
He will spend 10 minutes every night getting the sheets and blankets perfect on his side of the bed. This includes him jerking the covers to his side of the bed causing me to wake up. Sometimes he'll even turn the light on to get it perfect while I WAS sleeping. WHY?! Let me sleep! One pile of clutter bothers him, but rather than cleaning it up himself, he'll leave it and ***** about it. FINE! I'll move that too, since it bothers you THAT much! He would follow me around the house if he wanted to argue and I didn't. Nothing was ever resolved for me. I'd be left feeling worse. Like a little bit of me was taken away every argument. It was painful. I wanted to cry. I never wanted to talk to him not knowing what was going to set him off and cause some bizarre behavior.
He's bipolar, so I assume all of these little things were from that. I asked his doctor and he told me they weren't. (separate examples) He only understands the literal meaning of words. He'll interrogate and badger until he gets the exact time I will be home after visiting friends or family when I told him I don't know already. He won't accept that. So I give him a time just so he'll leave me alone. If I'm 2-10minutes late, he'll ***** about it and give me a lecture when I get through that door. We didn't have plans, he wasn't surprising me with anything. He just needed me to be home at a precise time. He speaks very formally, doesn't know the volume of his voice is too loud at times. He is condescending to people including me. I wanted to learn so much from him and had fun in the beginning. But if I didn't get something right away, he would get mean. He would be extremely frustrated almost instantly. I hated it. So that seemed to set him off too and make me uncomfortable, now we can't do that. One by one all the things we had fun doing were removed from the "fun-to-do" list. That kills/killed a marriage.
He filed for divorce because he won't address his own issues and is blaming me for everything. He was and possibly still is manic. I figured out Asperger's after he filed. We do not communicate now but will see each other for mediation soon. He wants nothing to do with me. We've been married 5 years and friends for many years longer than that. I love him and he does love me just not like he used to. I think if he was there and someone was attacking me, he'd attack the person and help me in that moment. I don't see him ditching me like that after all that we've been through. He's made the last year a living hell, and I reacted so poorly to that. I assume he only remembers that because it's the capacity I have that bothers him. He is focused on that and not his own behavior. It's frustrating. So everything is taken out of context in his head. He was cheating on me, lying to me, going off the deep end and sabotaging my success in the process. I resented him so much!
But I've been in therapy now. I've taken a backseat and relaxed. I'm better now but still hurt. I do feel more positive overall, and I decided a long time ago that I would fight for him. I still love him. We chose each other for a reason. We work so well together too! ...when we're not psychoanalyzing. Lol. We both do that. I just didn't really apply that skill when I needed because I was so worn down and depressed. I'm better.
I want to try with him and adapt. I have my own quirks and enjoy his a great deal. I love the OCD. I love the effort he takes to focus on one thing until it's perfect and improved. I love how he thinks in the present while I think in the past and future. I love how he lets me do the finances and tells me things that we'd enjoy. I fit them into the budget. He can't hold a job, so I was getting really good at stretching a dollar too. It's a big game of tetris for me. I'd make the most of it and try to encourage him to think more of himself and not as a failure. I did say some horrible things to him after awhile of resenting him. His attitude about things just aggravated me so much because that's the attitude he had when he ditched me for an ex-girlfriend close to valentine's day. It hurt so damn much and I let that go when he changed. He was loving and respectful. Then he went back to that other person who was disrespectful and all about himself. It's so confusing.
Bottom line: I want to stay married to him and try our damnedest to keep up with the enjoyment we had when we were dating. How do I convince him our marriage benefits him? He's already done this in his head and thinks I'm the one who makes him miserable. Right now, he has a nice paying job and doesn't have to pay my credit card debt he ran up until the divorce is final...and even then we have no money to pay it. I'd get paid in appliances which is crazy when I have finance charges and late fees. Hah But I need a template of what to say/do to show him it benefits himself and can work. I've researched a great deal and feel confident I can keep up with his behavior until we find a groove that fits us both. But he's essentially single, a house to himself, one night stands, friends with benefits relationships. No one to nag him to take his meds, to eat, to sleep. These "dates" will encourage the mania and reckless behavior because they don't understand. He thrives on that when he's manic. And he'll be doing that now to feel better about himself. His ego needs inflated. I deflated it when getting so unbelievably upset with him.
I get why now. I feel bad I didn't understand sooner. I tried to tell him some of the things did that bothered me a great deal. He did the opposite and did those things more often or more in my face. It was infuriating. He seems to enjoy getting a rise out of people then acting all high and mighty because he's proud of himself for not reacting like that himself. It's insanity now!! But all manageable items. Some of which will need major therapy. But I fell in love with him before all of this. I'm not going to abandon him and he has helped me become a better person emotionally overall. I'm still damaged somewhat, but I've learned a lot from him. I do miss him, quirks and all.
How can I convince him before the divorce is final?? HELP, please. I'm good people and so is he (overall).
He did some gaslighting with me before his departure. He called the cops when I asked if he was still wanting to talk to the emotional affair he was having. He told me he had stopped but then I saw him talking to her still. Goodness! It gets worse than this, but I now realize he has Asperger's. I'm almost positive.
He will spend 10 minutes every night getting the sheets and blankets perfect on his side of the bed. This includes him jerking the covers to his side of the bed causing me to wake up. Sometimes he'll even turn the light on to get it perfect while I WAS sleeping. WHY?! Let me sleep! One pile of clutter bothers him, but rather than cleaning it up himself, he'll leave it and ***** about it. FINE! I'll move that too, since it bothers you THAT much! He would follow me around the house if he wanted to argue and I didn't. Nothing was ever resolved for me. I'd be left feeling worse. Like a little bit of me was taken away every argument. It was painful. I wanted to cry. I never wanted to talk to him not knowing what was going to set him off and cause some bizarre behavior.
He's bipolar, so I assume all of these little things were from that. I asked his doctor and he told me they weren't. (separate examples) He only understands the literal meaning of words. He'll interrogate and badger until he gets the exact time I will be home after visiting friends or family when I told him I don't know already. He won't accept that. So I give him a time just so he'll leave me alone. If I'm 2-10minutes late, he'll ***** about it and give me a lecture when I get through that door. We didn't have plans, he wasn't surprising me with anything. He just needed me to be home at a precise time. He speaks very formally, doesn't know the volume of his voice is too loud at times. He is condescending to people including me. I wanted to learn so much from him and had fun in the beginning. But if I didn't get something right away, he would get mean. He would be extremely frustrated almost instantly. I hated it. So that seemed to set him off too and make me uncomfortable, now we can't do that. One by one all the things we had fun doing were removed from the "fun-to-do" list. That kills/killed a marriage.
He filed for divorce because he won't address his own issues and is blaming me for everything. He was and possibly still is manic. I figured out Asperger's after he filed. We do not communicate now but will see each other for mediation soon. He wants nothing to do with me. We've been married 5 years and friends for many years longer than that. I love him and he does love me just not like he used to. I think if he was there and someone was attacking me, he'd attack the person and help me in that moment. I don't see him ditching me like that after all that we've been through. He's made the last year a living hell, and I reacted so poorly to that. I assume he only remembers that because it's the capacity I have that bothers him. He is focused on that and not his own behavior. It's frustrating. So everything is taken out of context in his head. He was cheating on me, lying to me, going off the deep end and sabotaging my success in the process. I resented him so much!
But I've been in therapy now. I've taken a backseat and relaxed. I'm better now but still hurt. I do feel more positive overall, and I decided a long time ago that I would fight for him. I still love him. We chose each other for a reason. We work so well together too! ...when we're not psychoanalyzing. Lol. We both do that. I just didn't really apply that skill when I needed because I was so worn down and depressed. I'm better.
I want to try with him and adapt. I have my own quirks and enjoy his a great deal. I love the OCD. I love the effort he takes to focus on one thing until it's perfect and improved. I love how he thinks in the present while I think in the past and future. I love how he lets me do the finances and tells me things that we'd enjoy. I fit them into the budget. He can't hold a job, so I was getting really good at stretching a dollar too. It's a big game of tetris for me. I'd make the most of it and try to encourage him to think more of himself and not as a failure. I did say some horrible things to him after awhile of resenting him. His attitude about things just aggravated me so much because that's the attitude he had when he ditched me for an ex-girlfriend close to valentine's day. It hurt so damn much and I let that go when he changed. He was loving and respectful. Then he went back to that other person who was disrespectful and all about himself. It's so confusing.
Bottom line: I want to stay married to him and try our damnedest to keep up with the enjoyment we had when we were dating. How do I convince him our marriage benefits him? He's already done this in his head and thinks I'm the one who makes him miserable. Right now, he has a nice paying job and doesn't have to pay my credit card debt he ran up until the divorce is final...and even then we have no money to pay it. I'd get paid in appliances which is crazy when I have finance charges and late fees. Hah But I need a template of what to say/do to show him it benefits himself and can work. I've researched a great deal and feel confident I can keep up with his behavior until we find a groove that fits us both. But he's essentially single, a house to himself, one night stands, friends with benefits relationships. No one to nag him to take his meds, to eat, to sleep. These "dates" will encourage the mania and reckless behavior because they don't understand. He thrives on that when he's manic. And he'll be doing that now to feel better about himself. His ego needs inflated. I deflated it when getting so unbelievably upset with him.
I get why now. I feel bad I didn't understand sooner. I tried to tell him some of the things did that bothered me a great deal. He did the opposite and did those things more often or more in my face. It was infuriating. He seems to enjoy getting a rise out of people then acting all high and mighty because he's proud of himself for not reacting like that himself. It's insanity now!! But all manageable items. Some of which will need major therapy. But I fell in love with him before all of this. I'm not going to abandon him and he has helped me become a better person emotionally overall. I'm still damaged somewhat, but I've learned a lot from him. I do miss him, quirks and all.
How can I convince him before the divorce is final?? HELP, please. I'm good people and so is he (overall).
