Lonely

[330]

Oh, I meant if your response to me was because I’ve mentioned feeling depressed that I might be single until I die.

Yes a comment to help you

 

[Loren]

Hi Owliet,

You are valued and appreciated, here, beyond what words can express. I hope you'll stay. I believe your theory regarding depression at this time, is in fact, correct. I have to remember this, myself, and it can be quite difficult not to think otherwise, when in the thick of it.

I adore you, and you have been of immense kindness and support to me, as well as to others, and just an over-all, kind-hearted, good-humored, interesting and enjoyable person to have around.

A hug to you

 

[Rodafina]

Still wishing you well…

 

[Owliet]

Thank you for the very kind thoughtful words. It has been a very difficult few days. I know that my dad (also ASD) has felt it too.

It can be an awful experience to feel so alone all the while being surrounded by people. Something I've experienced many times in my own life.

It has been like this all holiday. I rely too much on my family especially, and it is really noticeable when there are changes that make me feel like this. I know that I need to accept and adapt to this but the feeling of being alone is frequently increasing. I suppose, also it doesn’t help that I remove myself from being around anyone but considering how experiences with other people have gone, I suppose it is also a self-destructive coping mechanism.

Existential angst is common when you're young, and your sister sounds a bit like my brother.

As far as these forums go I know that a lot of people enjoy your company, perhaps it's a bit of holiday depression. That's not uncommon either.

I feel really like separate and invisible.

And I haven't met your sisters boyfriend but I have a feeling I know what kind of type he is and he is a bad influence on your sister. That's not your fault, you haven't done anything wrong and she's a little mean to you.

Yes, we both know how that has been with him. But my sister is just as bad as he is. And my mom and me talked about it yesterday, and she agreed that my sister was like a totally different person, which is perplexing for me that someone can hide what they truly are. I always seem to forgive my sister — the nasty comments to strangers and known people over the years, laughing at my achievements with my cousin, warning people to not be friends with me, acting like me being ASD is the worst thing ever But will be friends with others on the spectrum and pretend that she’s like a really good person. I cant go into the next year thinking that she’s got any redeeming qualities when everything she does, even when she speaks to me is always being mean towards me. Or uses me for my money. It’s not really a sibling relationship, is it? She asked me no sooner had I posted the thread to give her money for something that she wanted to preorder — it was like 400 CHF and I was quite proud that I said no. And left it like that. She ended up buying it herself. And now for New Years eve and day, she will be going to a party. I know that my parents are a bit confused about it because it wasn’t like we didn’t have plans, and it could very be the last new year we will see with my mom.

There is nothing wrong with my sibling having her boyfriend over for Christmas or for going to the party but it is the way she handles it and hides it until the last moment. When I asked her if she was going to this party for new year, I had also Said that she barely spends time with us anymore, and she was quite mean when she replied that I could come to if I wanted. She’s just a disappointed…..

But its the mixed messages that I have gotten that is finding it really difficult to adjust to all these changes and expecting to just get on with it.

She made a comment about her boyfriend eating my dad’s candy that he got for christmas. It is not very possible to get this candy, and it is quite expensive for what it Is. its my dad’s fault for leaving it on the table but he always does this, the Boyfriend took the candy and I think actually finished all the candy off leaving the box empty. My sister defended this with the fact that in his culture, and in normal family they share all things — without realizing that I do leave things out with the intention for people to share. It is this stuff that she seems to make some sort of story.

No, it's not. That's not a very healthy situation for you, even though it's your sister. The best people will accept us for who we are, and appreciate us as complete people. Not just someone who pays for them, makes them laugh, gives them rides, etc. Unfortunately, a lot of people may see us for what they can get from us. We exist when they have needs (or wants).

Yes, I thought it wasn’t. She uses me for money, she will suggest we go to places and I stupidly always go along with it, buy her things that she wants and share things with her too. Yet, she does little in return. I rely on her too much. I know this. I wont be making the mistake anymore.

As an aside: holiday stress should be an oxymoron.)
Find friends who accept you for yourself, and if you are lonely forever, be your community's favorite spinster. Or go be part of your own circle of friends--don't have friends? time to find them.

Yes, I know that I have to find my own. I just dont really have good experiences with making or keeping friendships. The last friendship I had, ended because of loss of contact due to covid. But I do need to find Friendships — and I will this 2023 year

 

[Owliet]

.

@Owliet,...you are NOT alone in these feelings. Above, I highlighted some statements that really hit home with me,...so we do have something in common here.

I have often described this feeling on here in other posts,...my "alien observer" persona. There, but on the periphery, not really "a part of". I have zero friends,...and I've accepted that many years ago, well before I had any understanding of autism. I don't think like most people,...and I sort of pride myself on that fact,...but, it does come with some social awkwardness that I am not sure exactly how to interpret. I actually have the "advantage" of having alexithymia,...so if I am "lonely",...which I interpret as "boredom",...I will actually leave the situation I am in and create some activity to keep my mind occupied with something else. So,...like when I am in a large group of people,...and I know I have nothing to contribute to the conversation,...nor that I can contribute because I am unable to interact in a group conversation,...I leave. So, I do understand these things are a two-way street,...but I have not found a consistent, practical way to do my part because of my social and communication issues,...I often create my own isolation. We are supposed to have 10 family members over for New Years,...and I will once again, probably find myself sitting in a corner alone, or doing some activity, once I get "bored" or find the situation too mentally exhausting to participate. BTW,...I don't get depressed about it anymore,...I've just sort of settled into it without complaints. I have my coping mechanisms.

I feel quite removed from a lot of people — not in an arrogrant sense but mostly that I have nothing much in common with them. It is noticeable that when I am different, that when the mask slips that I am different and that leads to social division. I am lonely, and this holiday made it really clear. I am trying to distract myself from feelings of depression, although I wish I had your boredom response. It’s nice to know that this is not me feeling pathetic about this. And I think that i need to develop some coping mechanisms. Especially if I cannot rely on my sibling, extended family and one day my parents will no longer be here.

My parents are by far my closest relationship, and they are aging quickly. My siblings are not reliable as either comfort or support for me. The third wheel is my permanent existence. I want you here because you understand very difficult things and I do too.

Yes, I feel like this so much. Realizing that my parents are the only people who i solidly interact with and for the most part comfort and support me without expectations. My sister always expects something and that has become extremely clear to me — she wont be getting any chances anymore. I cant do it.

Christmas season this year was challenging for me too. Didn't meet anyone - not sibling, nor friends, colleagues, or classmates. I was super excited to go to a party but somehow, all eight of the other confirmed attendees flaked out and so I found myself at the venue, alone. (I ended up going home because I think dining by myself probably would have made me feel more alone)

I spent my Christmas here, on the forum, and was glad to participate in the games, and to do some vicarious living through our fellow members' posts of their activities, experiences, and gifts. It turned out to be not so bad after all.

As for your participation here, I've also valued your input and would miss you if you left (and have missed you during your absences) even though I don't really know you that well. I think a lot of your participation and comments, like this thread, is very relatable to many of us.

Sometimes we can be our own worse enemies. One of my special interests is travel, but as someone who neither drives or cycles (nor has a partner), I often feel left out when reading stories about travel and feel bad that I wouldn't get a chance to visit a certain special place because it's out of the way and basically inaccessible for me Also, the entire genre of road trips, which I find very fascinating, is out of the question. And so rather than dwelling on those, I tend to look at train and bus maps and plan my own adventures that way - so rather than looking at others and feeling bad about what I'm missing out on, I focus on the positive - what I can visit, see, and experience. And I meticulously plan my itineraries and derive significant pleasure from doing so.

I hope that you can find and celebrate more of your positives and connect with your interests in a healthy and rewarding way.

I am sorry that the Christmas holiday was difficult for you too. I do think that I am my worst enemy too — friendships are something that I do dearly want but I have never really had long term lasting friendships with anyone and the last friendship I did have ended without resolution and I don’t really know WHY. I just need to make my own friends without my sibling ruining any of them (she’s done that too…)

 

[Outdated]

Throughout my life many friends have come and gone again, but some have stuck with me too. I've met a lot of wonderful people in the world, they are out there.

Finding a good friend is like winning the lotto. You can't win if you never buy a ticket.

So I talk to all sorts of people and I try not to be judgemental. Some people I just don't click with, this doesn't mean that I don't like them, just that we live in different worlds and don't have much in common. And then sometimes you meet people where the conversation lasts for hours and you really enjoy their company. It takes all different sorts to make a world.

I don't have any family. Technically I do, but I haven't heard from any of them in so long that I don't even know if they still live. My friends became the family that I love.

 

[AprilR]

You are certainly not bothering me. I really liked the small chats we had with each other.

I am feeling similar also, after a dinner with my only friend and my parents. My parents are very different from my friend's (my dad also has asd) and i am worried that she Will also get weirded out by the awkward atmosphere and won't want to see me again.

I am sorry you had a bad experience too..

 

[Owliet]

Throughout my life many friends have come and gone again, but some have stuck with me too. I've met a lot of wonderful people in the world, they are out there.

Finding a good friend is like winning the lotto. You can't win if you never buy a ticket.

So I talk to all sorts of people and I try not to be judgemental. Some people I just don't click with, this doesn't mean that I don't like them, just that we live in different worlds and don't have much in common. And then sometimes you meet people where the conversation lasts for hours and you really enjoy their company. It takes all different sorts to make a world.

I don't have any family. Technically I do, but I haven't heard from any of them in so long that I don't even know if they still live. My friends became the family that I love.

Yes, I understand that analogy — I haven’t had many friends and any that I have made then have ended has made me very reluctant. However, I have promised myself that this year I will try more to interact with others and form my own circle. I used to rely on my sister to be my icebreaker but it has been clear that she is not reliable. And I cant rely on her. Nor do I want to be around her either. My parents despite many difficulties, I can at least rely on in some way — outer family like cousins and aunts and uncles, I dont see, grandparents are all dead now. But I have arranged to meet for a coffee with my old school teacher / mentor which is a small step. And like @VictorR said, I am my own worst enemy because I also find it difficult to take transportation. I cant drive since it’s too much anxious for me, so trains, buses and my bike are ideal. I just need to remember that even if it is difficult I have to start being more independent too. So there’s going to be a lot of changes this year, but I need to do them now…otherwise I will never. I will also contact comic con people —. I already have done this with one person who’s been on and off as a friend.


Now, i am trying to figure out a way to give my sister 500 CHF for her getting supplies for her business because she seems to think that I will give her money for that…and I would have done this if she hadn’t been like this.

You are certainly not bothering me. I really liked the small chats we had with each other.

I am feeling similar also, after a dinner with my only friend and my parents. My parents are very different from my friend's (my dad also has asd) and i am worried that she Will also get weirded out by the awkward atmosphere and won't want to see me again.

I am sorry you had a bad experience too..

I am sorry to hear that April. I dont have much to offer as advice but I know what it’s like to worry about coming across as weird/awkward. If your friend find it like that, maybe she isnt worth being a friend if she cant accept you? But it shouldn’t really be about your parents.

 

[Outdated]

I just need to remember that even if it is difficult I have to start being more independent too.

I'm having the same problem myself at the moment, although I'm normally fairly social I went through a bit of a rough patch and retreated back in to my shell. Motivating myself isn't easy, but I'm trying. I just discovered that there's an autism social group in my city and I signed up as a member, they have get togethers every two weeks. I don't know what to expect but I'll keep an open mind.

Now, i am trying to figure out a way to give my sister 500 CHF for her getting supplies for her business because she seems to think that I will give her money for that…and I would have done this if she hadn’t been like this.

My brother sweet talked me, tricked me, swindled me, and even outright stole from me. He bled me and bled me and nothing was ever going to change.

I attended a large family gathering for Christmas one year, after I hadn't spoken to my brother for more than 5 years, and before my brother arrived one of my aunts asked me why I hate him.

I told her I don't hate him, in fact that's part of the problem, he's very likeable. The trouble is that I can't trust him. Then I added "Whatever you do, don't buy a used car from him.". It was only a few minutes after that that my brother arrived, and almost the first words out of his mouth to the same aunt was "You don't want to buy a used car, do you?". The whole table cracked up laughing, and for once they were laughing at him instead of me.

 

[Owliet]

I'm having the same problem myself at the moment, although I'm normally fairly social I went through a bit of a rough patch and retreated back in to my shell. Motivating myself isn't easy, but I'm trying. I just discovered that there's an autism social group in my city and I signed up as a member, they have get togethers every two weeks. I don't know what to expect but I'll keep an open mind.


My brother sweet talked me, tricked me, swindled me, and even outright stole from me. He bled me and bled me and nothing was ever going to change.

I attended a large family gathering for Christmas one year, after I hadn't spoken to my brother for more than 5 years, and before my brother arrived one of my aunts asked me why I hate him.

I told her I don't hate him, in fact that's part of the problem, he's very likeable. The trouble is that I can't trust him. Then I added "Whatever you do, don't buy a used car from him.". It was only a few minutes after that that my brother arrived, and almost the first words out of his mouth to the same aunt was "You don't want to buy a used car, do you?". The whole table cracked up laughing, and for once they were laughing at him instead of me.

I hope that you are able to get something out of the social group and that it goes well.=) We have similiar here but most of it is for those who are for children or for those who are lower functioning…but I have been researching to see if there is anything around that I could do or would like to do —- so I will reach out and do it. What you have done, it gives me inspiration to also give communities a try —and maybe that will be good too.

Yes, my sister has also managed to do this a few times too. I dont hate my sister, I strongly dislike what she is and I am disappointed in her in how she Treats other people if they are of use to her and if they are not of use to her. It is funny that your brother had good timing with his selling of the used car.=D

 

[Rodafina]

I feel quite removed from a lot of people — not in an arrogrant sense but mostly that I have nothing much in common with them. It is noticeable that when I am different, that when the mask slips that I am different and that leads to social division

I really relate to this. I can feign connection so others’ feel it, but this has left me even lonelier than ever, so I don’t do it any longer.

It applies to my life as an addict as well… As an addict certain people accepted me, but now in sobriety, I present a much more honest version of myself, and some of them have decided, Nope!

But I have arranged to meet for a coffee with my old school teacher / mentor which is a small step

Nice! Small steps are good. Giant leaps are rare and it’s better to know your footing and know you can handle the step by step journey, I think.

So there’s going to be a lot of changes this year, but I need to do them now…otherwise I will never. I will also contact comic con people —. I already have done this with one person who’s been on and off as a friend.

Optimism! Hope! I wish you confidence and success in your small steps.

 

[blue_bird]

I'm feeling pretty lonely myself. Or perhaps it's just that after all these years of being such an isolated figure, I've got nothing really to look forward to anymore? Maybe I've run out of the enjoyment of solitude? Maybe I need people around me to get me to enjoy things again? I'm not sure. A few decent people in my life wouldn't be bad right now. Anyway, I know how it feels. Hopefully you will be able to get out of it soon.

 

[Owliet]

I really relate to this. I can feign connection so others’ feel it, but this has left me even lonelier than ever, so I don’t do it any longer.

It applies to my life as an addict as well… As an addict certain people accepted me, but now in sobriety, I present a much more honest version of myself, and some of them have decided, Nope!


Nice! Small steps are good. Giant leaps are rare and it’s better to know your footing and know you can handle the step by step journey, I think.


Optimism! Hope! I wish you confidence and success in your small steps.

I lack the patience to feign things unfortunately But I think it is important to make a more honest version of yourself and hope that people accept you as that rather than expect things from you that you just cant Deliver.

Yes, it is best to take small steps, I realize that now. It also makes it easier to handle if something goes wrong.

I'm feeling pretty lonely myself. Or perhaps it's just that after all these years of being such an isolated figure, I've got nothing really to look forward to anymore? Maybe I've run out of the enjoyment of solitude? Maybe I need people around me to get me to enjoy things again? I'm not sure. A few decent people in my life wouldn't be bad right now. Anyway, I know how it feels. Hopefully you will be able to get out of it soon.

I am sorry to hear that, I really hope that you are able to get out of this feeling too. It is horrible. I had a proverb message in my new year’s bread (we have A king bread to celebrate the new year) and it said something like you have to make sure life is not counted by years but by what years can do for your life. In further translation, it means that you have to try to fill your life with things that are worthy of a life time rather than let life pass you by — it is quite ironic that I got this (I didnt get the little king to be king for the day =( ) because its made me realize that whilst I am isolated and feel isolated at times, I am not really living, so I have to make sure that I try to make my life worth living. But I do know that I really have to make more of an effort even if I find it difficult. I wish you all the best.

 

[Forest Cat]

I had a proverb message in my new year’s bread (we have A king bread to celebrate the new year) and it said something like you have to make sure life is not counted by years but by what years can do for your life.

I'm intrigued, is this one of those special Swiss things we only find in Switzerland, like the Zibelemärit Onion-Fest? Please share more about this.

 

[Owliet]

I'm intrigued, is this one of those special Swiss things we only find in Switzerland, like the Zibelemärit Onion-Fest? Please share more about this.

We have a dreikönigskuchen (Translates to 3 king bread) . We should technically do this on the 6th January to celebrate 12th Night but this is the second time now when we have broken the tradition since we always forget that we have the bread so it goes quite stale, so we now have it before. You have a king or a baby inside (although we have one with the king and you find the king inside your bread you are king for the day. My mom got one that also included proverbs in it…since I usually try to cheat To feel the bread. I mean, I am not in danger of eating the paper either Although it was a close moment.=D

I have no idea if it is a Swiss only thing.

 

[Forest Cat]

We have a dreikönigskuchen (Translates to 3 king bread) . We should technically do this on the 6th January to celebrate 12th Night but this is the second time now when we have broken the tradition since we always forget that we have the bread so it goes quite stale, so we now have it before. You have a king or a baby inside (although we have one with the king and you find the king inside your bread you are king for the day. My mom got one that also included proverbs in it…since I usually try to cheat To feel the bread. I mean, I am not in danger of eating the paper either Although it was a close moment.=D

I have no idea if it is a Swiss only thing.

I'm pretty sure this is a Swiss thing. If you find the king inside the bread you are king for the day? I like it, thanks for sharing this.

 

[Owliet]

I'm pretty sure this is a Swiss thing. If you find the king inside the bread you are king for the day? I like it, thanks for sharing this.

You Vikings dont do this?

Yes, that is the aim. Unfortunately, this year it is not me who is king. but there is always next year…=D

 

[Forest Cat]

You Vikings dont do this?

Yes, that is the aim. Unfortunately, this year it is not me who is king. but there is always next year…=D

No, we just go raiding. No time for bread. Next year it's your time to be king for the day. Sounds like a fun tradition.

 

[Rodafina]

Did I catch a glimpse of you out in the wild in the United States, Owliet?

 

[Patsy]

I dont know if this is the feeling of depression coming up again (probably) or if it’s something that is true. I feel so lonely. I feel lonely even when around other people — I feel like I am the third-wheel and unwanted, and that i bother Others. It is the same feeling that I have on this forum here too. It is really making me think about even staying on here because I think if people dont want me around then its probably best that I get the message and cut myself off from others so I dont get hurt in the long term-

But I dont know if that’s just feelings rather than truth…


I think where this is all coming from is having yet another christmas filled with change . My mom has a friend over and she is quite nice — thats not a problem. My sibling had her boyfriend again, and did not say much to me, completely ignored me when I spoke to her and talked to me quite sharply or like I was an idiot. And I am tired of that. She does it all the time now, and is worse when she’s around this guy. I dont like him. Even my mom^s friend has made a comment about him, saying similar. But I have never felt so alone than I did over this holiday, I felt so separate from everyone and it just didn’t feel like Christmas. I know things change. I know that it is an unfortunate side effect to getting older and I guess maybe I wish that things were remaining the same. My sister used to spend a lot of time with me,and unless she doesn’t have anyone to spend time with, she will spend it with me but it is always what she wants to do, when she wants it and usually involves being used for my money rather than genuinely spending time. Is that a normal thing? I can’t rely on my parents. One day, they’ll die…an I will be all alone. And its this realization that I think that is the cause of this, and I dont know how to fix it. I dont have friends, or deeper relationships. It is only my Immediate family. And I am beginning to realize that I cannot rely on my sister ever.

I just really feel like I am so alone and no one wants me around. And maybe it is best that I just accept this, and embrace this lonely existence until i die.

You're not alone in this. I'm new here, but you are most certainly welcome here. I've had similar thoughts about myself being unwanted my entire life. But a lot of that is from anxiety and I think it is for you, too.