Lonely, lonely, lonely

[DogwoodTree]

I hate feeling all alone in my inner world, and when I reach out, no one "gets" me...nothing gets back in for me to feel connected to the outer world.

I usually deal with this by trying to not want connection...embracing extreme introversion. But if I never let myself want it, then I stop allowing space for it or working towards it, and then it will never happen.

But if I let myself want it, like I did today...oh my, the pain...desperation. I don't know if a crash is coming, or if I'll be able to pull out of it before then. But the longing is just so overwhelming. I can't think about work or anything else because my head is swimming with desire for connection.

Even if someone were to reach out to me when I'm in this state, my response would be so full of desperation...starving for contact...that it would chase them away. It always has. And even if it doesn't...what they offer never connects. They're not necessarily doing anything wrong...not blaming them. I just don't know how to get it in. The outer world is too far away...so, so far away. I feel like I'm stranded on Mars. I'm trapped inside this nothingness.

 

[watersprite]

I keep deleting and re-writing, as it doesn't come out properly. I feel like that sometimes. When I do, it comes on with a smashing feeling of sad emptiness. I used to write in my journal that it was Death creeping around me, reminding of its presence, as that is how it seems. If there's anything I can do, DogwoodTree?

 

[DogwoodTree]

If there's anything I can do, DogwoodTree?

I wish there was. Honestly...because I could use some company inside this darkness. But nothing works. People have tried. But...thanks for reaching out.

 

[watersprite]

this is kind of how it feels to me

 

[DogwoodTree]

This is the image I keep thinking of... (not sure how to make it smaller, sorry...and it's too bright. should feel darker)

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

DogwoodTree

I love the expressiveness of your image. My first thought was it reminded me of The Bell Jar, and the inner silence that drove Sylvia Plath into withdrawal from college and life before she got better, nearly a year later IIRC.

When someone offers you what you're hungry for, what does that look like? What are they asking? Can you describe it? Draw it?

 

[watersprite]

oh - you're within walls and cannot be accessed. Is there any comfort to be found there?
The drawing showed (me) being on an journey through places that are empty. I abhor the numbness.

 

[DogwoodTree]

oh - you're within walls and cannot be accessed. Is there any comfort to be found there?
The drawing showed (me) being on an journey through places that are empty. I abhor the numbness.

Yes, for me it's more of a trapped feeling...but kind of the same way that one might feel trapped in a great, open expanse. Imagine being stranded at sea, floating in a lifeboat, and the massive space around you closes in on you to where you literally feel trapped by nothingness.

Sometimes my own thoughts are comforting...just the ideas that grab my attention and I go exploring. But it's just ideas. Today...I felt like I had a great insight into what has kept me trapped, and I wrote about it, and sent it to my therapist. I know he doesn't normally respond to emails, just reads them for us to talk about later, so I didn't really expect a response. But I wanted one. I wanted so badly for him just to say...yes, that makes sense, we can work with that, I understand you better now, this will help us in our work. And he might say it at our next session. But the moment will be gone. The window of opportunity for connection...collapsed. I've tried before to keep it open for times like that, and it doesn't work. As I listened today for connection in my revelation, all I heard was my own echo.

When someone offers you what you're hungry for, what does that look like? What are they asking? Can you describe it? Draw it?

What people offer...doesn't work for me. For example, the five love languages: touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service.

Touch...is painful. Sensory overload. Can't handle it. Sometimes I can tolerate it, but there's no connection in it for me...just data to be processed. And sometimes it's very painful data...flashbacks.
Words...are too superficial, too shallow. I don't believe them.
Time...is demanding. To spend time with someone else, means I can't be alone. I know that sounds counter-productive: to annihilate loneliness, spend time with someone. But when I'm with someone, I'm not me. I'm mirroring them, creating the mask I think they want to see. I've tried not to do this, but it's terribly difficult. Working on it, still.
Gifts...what I want can't be bought. Materialistic things...stuff...it just doesn't resonate at the level where this desperation dominates my life.
Acts of service...this comes the closest. My hubby works very hard to take good care of me and the kids. I truly appreciate all that he does. But...I want to connect with him, not take advantage of him. Not sure if that makes sense.

People offer the usual forms of support: a hug (major sensory overload), encouragement (i.e., mostly platitudes), a "shoulder to cry on." If I could cry, that might be useful, but I can't. It sounds so whiny for me to list things people try, and then explain why it doesn't work. Why can't I just be grateful that they care enough to try??? But it doesn't work. It doesn't. It just doesn't. What they do...it invades, it overloads, it hurts.

I feel the most lonely when I'm around people. It's not a fear of rejection, exactly, or the need to be liked. I used to think it was those things, but it's not. In my heart, I give people the freedom to choose to be with me or not, without being bitter towards them if they decide they'd rather spend time with someone else. 'Cause I totally understand how other people would be more enjoyable than me. There are only a few people where I so much want them to like me...most people, it doesn't really matter to me. They can make their own decision on that, and if they like me, that's great, if not, no big deal. But even those few who I really, really want to be friends with them...even when they say they like me and want to have me around...it's not real for me. I don't know how else to explain it. I'm just not there.

Nothing connects the inner world with the outer world. They're in two separate dimensions. There is no crossing over, no bridging the abyss. I'm locked inside the great nothingness, like a black hole...where, if something were to "get in", it becomes nothing before it reaches me. It's neutralized upon entrance. I can recognize and acknowledge other people's efforts to connect, and even appreciate their efforts. But it doesn't actually connect. I'm suffocating in loneliness.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

What you describe--that reminds me of a biography of Napoleon's years on St. Helenas. The sea itself was the jailor.

Acts of service...this comes the closest. My hubby works very hard to take good care of me and the kids. I truly appreciate all that he does. But...I want to connect with him, not take advantage of him. Not sure if that makes sense.

This.

Makes perfect sense. Although I am starting to have problems with words, it's been an intense weekend. Not sure words will come out right. Are there acts of service to him that make sense to you both?

And, I so get the desperation thing. But husbands, they are not like other people, sometimes they can make things work that even friends, never mind ordinary people, can't.

I'm wondering if you have something I have, major depressive episodes, that seal the world out behind six feet of glass. When no one can hear me screaming. I wish I knew what changes to get me out. And if it would help you or your husband.

Do you dream?

 

[watersprite]

I am a visual sort of creature, what formed when I read this was you (a person, standing) in a small grassy field enclosed by a roughly elliptical 12' stone wall. Then there was a space of 20' or so and another identical wall. Neither had gates in them. Beyond the walls was an open sunny forested area and some paths, a stream and the like. I'm wanting metaphorically to toss you a shovel.
Then again, you are a DogwoodTree and maybe your roots could help.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I gave up on people. I turn to pets and fantasy worlds. Of course, the fantasy can't offer physical comfort like a hug and the pets die a little too rapidly, but at least they don't come with threats and insults like people do. I do still get really lonely and some idioticly hopeful part of me still looks for that one person I could connect with that'd understand me without getting scared or abusive in the process, but they don't exist. They always get scared or abusive, or simply confused before they run away as fast as they can. You don't share the full extent of your good side, for then you're naive. You don't share the full extent of your dark side, because then you're in a maximum security psychiatric ward while the other guy who is at your level is a millionaire horror movie director. And when you try to keep it shallow and in the middle, they complain about how emotionless you are.

Acts of service...this comes the closest. My hubby works very hard to take good care of me and the kids. I truly appreciate all that he does. But...I want to connect with him, not take advantage of him. Not sure if that makes sense.

I get it. I'm married, I get it.
You definitely share a house and some responsibilities. You might share some interests. You might share some hobbies. You might even have a seemingly perfect relationship where never a harsh word is traded and the other is always considerate of the other. And you mare care for each other a good deal more than anybody else, but there is no real, deep, full connection there. Just bits and pieces in common and a hope that you're not hurting them in some way while you're stuck leagues away, and you don't tell them about your lack of connection because that WOULD hurt them.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Are there acts of service to him that make sense to you both?

Even though he seems to prefer to communicate in gifts and acts of service, when I've tried to give that sort of thing back to him, it doesn't seem to resonate as I'd expect. He much prefers physical touch...but I can't go there right now. The flashbacks have been too intense for a couple of years now, and it seems I've needed more and more distance to keep them at bay. I can't tell you how much I feel like a failure in that department. It's such a great need for him, and I can barely tolerate the occasional hug. I've pushed myself to extremes in seeking counseling/therapy primarily because of this issue. I can tolerate depression, social awkwardness, loneliness, fear, anxiety, codependent family members...all kinds of things. But pushing myself to be physical with him as the flashbacks get worse...that did me in, beyond what words can describe.

But husbands, they are not like other people, sometimes they can make things work that even friends, never mind ordinary people, can't.

It's not for lack of effort on his part, or mine. And neither of us committed the crimes that initially created the barriers around me. But neither of us knows how to get through them to each other.

I'm wondering if you have something I have, major depressive episodes, that seal the world out behind six feet of glass. When no one can hear me screaming

Dx'ed with depression over 20 years ago...took meds...they didn't work...made me feel loopy but not better...so not going back to that.

Yes--the world wants to feel happy. "Pursuit of happiness" and all that. They don't want our reality. When people get cancer, or lose a loved one, or any number of other challenges...they get casseroles, hugs, and encouragement. Connection. Mental illness like depression or dissociation or PTSD? Nothing...they don't have a box for this kind of reality. Which is fine, because none of that would work for me anyway.

Do you dream?

All the time, every night. I've tried analyzing my dreams for insights and guidance, and it all just feels like wishful thinking. More echos in the nothingness trap. Do you dream? Does it help you to think through them?

I am a visual sort of creature, what formed when I read this was you (a person, standing) in a small grassy field enclosed by a roughly elliptical 12' stone wall. Then there was a space of 20' or so and another identical wall. Neither had gates in them. Beyond the walls was an open sunny forested area and some paths, a stream and the like. I'm wanting metaphorically to toss you a shovel.
Then again, you are a DogwoodTree and maybe your roots could help.

In my church, you would be called prophetic. I've had that image described to me before...a deep wall, extending out about 15 feet from me in every direction. No gates in the wall is not a good sign. Walls should have gates. The roots theme is a recurrent one in my own thoughts, on many levels.

I gave up on people. I turn to pets and fantasy worlds. Of course, the fantasy can't offer physical comfort like a hug and the pets die a little too rapidly, but at least they don't come with threats and insults like people do.

Pets cause sensory issues for me, but fantasy worlds...that's been a common retreat for me since I was little. There are times I try to stay away from that fallback, because I'm afraid I'm using fantasy as a substitute, and it's diluting the intensity of my dedication to connect with the outer world. But sometimes...I feel like I'm going to implode if I don't get some kind of relief, even of the imaginary sort.

And you mare care for each other a good deal more than anybody else, but there is no real, deep, full connection there. Just bits and pieces in common and a hope that you're not hurting them in some way while you're stuck leagues away.

Hoping we're not hurting each other...we know we are hurting each other, but we so desperately don't want to do that. I'm hurting him in not being able to give him what he needs...his normal, healthy, understandable needs. He feels like he's hurting me in not being able to give me what I need...my obscure, crazy, unidentifiable needs. We both realize neither is purposefully hurting the other, but...I've been afraid at times we might end up in a Romeo and Juliet scene, except we each end it in an effort to stop hurting the other by our existence-that-doesn't-suffice. I know that sounds ridiculous but...it's like we just can't seem to get in phase with each other. We want to, we're both trying, we're both committed. I hate that I've brought so much junk into the marriage. I've brought good things, too...but there are a couple of basics that I'm losing some serious ground on. And it doesn't seem like it can ever get better. I'm too screwed up.

 

[EdR]

I understand.

The person that I reach out to is myself; I often have conversations with myself (silent, of course), and it helps alot. I just cannot carry on those conversations with either my wife or anyone else. In these talks I am erudite and glib, quite a contrast with my normal tongue-tied conversational manner.

Sharing is so hard for me also. I am, and have been, so much more comfortable alone.

Since my recent diagnosis I have been trying to improve. There has been progress and I have made improvements, mainly because I have somehow developed triggers for certain situations. One of the triggers kicks in whenever I give a one word answer to a question from my wife, so I then talk more. I have noticed other triggers kicking in during other situations also. So far it is only small progress, but progress it is and I am pleased. My goal is not the impossible dream of becoming NT, rather it is the more manageable objective of minimising my existence as a solitary man, no longer an isolated island in the stream.

Physical contact is still difficult and I do not have any triggers for that. I do not find it painful, the fact is that the thought of making physical contact never occurs to me. My wife needs physical contact and I have to figure out how to cross that hurdle.

The only solace I can offer is that we do have the possibility of making changes that improve our ability to conduct relationships with others. Even one small step of improvement can instill hope and optimism.

 

[watersprite]

I'm around tomorrow if you'd want to talk. kestrel waves a wing.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Pets cause sensory issues for me, but fantasy worlds...that's been a common retreat for me since I was little. There are times I try to stay away from that fallback, because I'm afraid I'm using fantasy as a substitute, and it's diluting the intensity of my dedication to connect with the outer world. But sometimes...I feel like I'm going to implode if I don't get some kind of relief, even of the imaginary sort.

How I view my emotional outreach is like a very full barrel, or a dam. My fantasy/meditation-ish place helps siphon off the pressure so that when I reach out to people, it's just a trickle instead of a drowning flood that comes out all at once (or a cork blasting off and smacking somebody between the eyes) and drives people away. As you know, the danger can be that it sucks you away with it and washes you downstream far away from them. Different people, different needs though, and different pressure valves too. I know mine can be adjusted from trickle to flood and I need it, but I'm in no position to say if yours is adjustable or even needed.

Hoping we're not hurting each other...we know we are hurting each other, but we so desperately don't want to do that. I'm hurting him in not being able to give him what he needs...his normal, healthy, understandable needs. He feels like he's hurting me in not being able to give me what I need...my obscure, crazy, unidentifiable needs. We both realize neither is purposefully hurting the other, but...I've been afraid at times we might end up in a Romeo and Juliet scene, except we each end it in an effort to stop hurting the other by our existence-that-doesn't-suffice. I know that sounds ridiculous but...it's like we just can't seem to get in phase with each other. We want to, we're both trying, we're both committed. I hate that I've brought so much junk into the marriage. I've brought good things, too...but there are a couple of basics that I'm losing some serious ground on. And it doesn't seem like it can ever get better. I'm too screwed up.

My literalness kicked in so my knee-jerk reaction was "please don't poison yourself and make him stab himself and then you stab yourself! DX" Once I got that outta the way, I take it as a good sign that it would be done out of mercy rather than malice, self-pity, or other negative emotions. It's probably been brought up a hundred times before, but is baby-stepping it a good route to take? Start off by reaffirming to each other all the positives that you do have, then trying to make a list of your negatives and tackle them slowly one by one so there's time to heal and adjust to the change? Or pieces of a different one at a time in rounds? Even if the end results is just one of you putting a ladder to the wall, climbing up, and waving to each other, it's still better than no contact at all.

A lot of times my husband and I are perfectly out of sync. When he's touchy, my skin is crawling. When I'm touchy, his skin is crawling. Most of the time I feel like the only progress that we've made is that he understands now my bad vocabulary and mis-matched reactions aren't because I'm cruel, and I've come to accept and distance myself away from the things he needs left alone. I'm fine with knowing and accepting that you can't fix some things. That's the easy part. What gets my goat is trying to figure out which things can't be fixed and which things I can work on. Nobody ever gives you instructions on that part.

 

[qwerty]

There are many people here who understand your pain, I know I do. I know you said you feel words seem empty to you at the moment, but this is sincere and heart felt. I know that pain, you are not alone. There is a light that never goes out.
I truly wish I could offer more. Please keep safe

 

[Asperganoid]

emptiness sucks. I often wish to connect (well used to); but I've found it futile. so i busy myself with abstract ideas fuelled by copious amounts of coffee and show the rest of the world the middle-fingers.

I theorise that it's profound Expectations hitting a wall; and that resulting in profound disillusion. So I manage those Expectations by redirecting them in spaces where there is possibility of success.

But that's my robotic self conjuring up mathematics where it wouldn't apply for the socially inclined. sorry if it sounds mechanical and unhelpful.

 

[Progster]

Yes, I understand. I call the lack of connection and resulting emotional emptiness The Void. I may try to fill the Void with distractions and activities, but it's still there. My participation on this forum comes from a desire to reach out to other people, to connect on some level. I know that I probably won't bond or connect emotionally in the same way as NTs do, but I do know that I can find understanding in the ASD community.

 

[Maelstrom]

I keep deleting and re-writing, as it doesn't come out properly. I feel like that sometimes. When I do, it comes on with a smashing feeling of sad emptiness. I used to write in my journal that it was Death creeping around me, reminding of its presence, as that is how it seems. If there's anything I can do, DogwoodTree?

Hi Kestrel, I used to say in my head..Black wings spread tenderly over me..or I see the black shadows creeping through the world...now I just stand by the eye wall of the maelstrom picking out golden straws... I think the Grim reaper has grown bored waiting on me, and wandered off leaving me to my own devices...which is a poor deal for the rest of the world, as I'm very good at stirring up trouble.. Hope you are doing well Kestrel

 

[Suzanne]

Oh how I know that feeling SOOO DAMN WELL.

Just last sunday, I felt like how you are describing. I was invited to a bbq with my husband, but we arrived too early where just a few were there and helping out and I FLOUNDERED big time and could feel my eyes pricking with tears. I wanted to escape like nobodies business and honestly didn't know what to do. I weakly said the hostess where do I put our food bits but she was too busy and didn't answer and then, then the next moment, I heard: Suzanne, do you want to accompany me for a bit of drive? I felt so surreal sort of wanting too, but feeling deep shame and quite honestly, as though I was a nothing. I went with him and then burst into tears and begged him to take me home and love him, he did. But do you think I was happy? I pretended to myself that I was, but inside I felt trapped! I wanted so much to enjoy the company, but couldn't. My husband went back and text me a few times but I felt so LONELY AND USELESS. I kept hiding this and thinking that I was enjoying myself, because I was doing what I like doing best, but the truth was, I was crying in side. Made worse that pictures of the bbq were sent to my husband and everyone was smiling and laughing and I felt like dying inside. Why, oh why can't I relax and have fun and be silly? Oh I can one to one, but more: useless. When I saw the hostess again, she said how sad that I went home and that all I had to do was tell her that I felt uncomfortable and she would have helped!!!

Your picture of the woman in the jar, is ME to the letter with social phobia.

Oh I forgot to add, that because I did not go to our christian meeting during the week, I experienced such loneliness it was unbelievable; I NEEDED to get out of the house and breath and then when I did, I NEEDED to get back home again.

I HATE being an aspie at times!