lonely and desperate

[Blue]

i've had dreams of jumping off a cliff after my mom and grand
ma, who i take care of are gone. my grandma died last year and my mom has cancer. i'm terrified of being left alone in the world with no one to love me. but i haven't even made friends in 20 years. every passing year the world seems bleaker. i've never even kissed a girl.

 

[the_tortoise]

I'm sorry, Blue. Sorry you lost your grandma and sorry your mom has cancer and that you're having such a rough and lonely time.

I can relate to your fear... I take comfort in the thought that even if I end up an old man with no human friends, I will probably have at least one cat friend in my life.

I hope you find some good friends here.....or at least some understanding and connection, if that would help.

 

[SusanLR]

i've had dreams of jumping off a cliff after my mom and grand
ma, who i take care of are gone. my grandma died last year and my mom has cancer. i'm terrified of being left alone in the world with no one to love me. but i haven't even made friends in 20 years. every passing year the world seems bleaker. i've never even kissed a girl.

I have been going through the same thing for the past four years since my Mom died of cancer. I had no friends or family to turn to either and it's been very frightening.
That feeling of knowing you are left alone in the world with no love hits it spot on.
I couldn't stand the thought of living alone so I moved in with an elderly man that needed help and pay rent for living in a wing of his big house. He is a grumpy, scolding type which is not what I need to help my feeling lost alone.

Do you feel afraid to live alone with just yourself as I do?
I also have physical disabilities and shouldn't anyway.
I certainly hope you find a better way to face this than I did. Other people just doesn't fill the void for me.

 

[Streetwise]

i've had dreams of jumping off a cliff after my mom and grand
ma, who i take care of are gone. my grandma died last year and my mom has cancer. i'm terrified of being left alone in the world with no one to love me. but i haven't even made friends in 20 years. every passing year the world seems bleaker. i've never even kissed a girl.

you will survive know that,it will be painful,ask for help get used to it

 

[Streetwise]

i've had dreams of jumping off a cliff after my mom and grand
ma, who i take care of are gone. my grandma died last year and my mom has cancer. i'm terrified of being left alone in the world with no one to love me. but i haven't even made friends in 20 years. every passing year the world seems bleaker. i've never even kissed a girl.

I know cancer its vile!i dont have

 

[Suzanne]

Hello Blue ( chosen because of what blue represents)?

I get you very much, because even though I do have a husband and family alive, if my husband was to die, I would be completely alone as well, as we do not have children and family are too toxic to fall back on.

However, for me, I have my faith that keeps me going.

You have come to the right forum, Blue, because here you WILL find friends at last.

As for your dear family members, I can give you hope, but I do not wish to preach here, so if you are interested in wanting to know what that hope is, please feel free to imbox me

 

[SteveH]

i've had dreams of jumping off a cliff after my mom and grandma, who i take care of are gone. my grandma died last year and my mom has cancer. i'm terrified of being left alone in the world with no one to love me. but i haven't even made friends in 20 years. every passing year the world seems bleaker. i've never even kissed a girl.

Imagine you are suffering a kind of mental illusion--like looking at the horizon. The more you walk towards it(or imagine walking towards it), it never gets any closer. It may seem too distant to ever reach. You may feel this way deep in your gut. Don't buy into that!!! Please! You can make progress. You can create a life worth living.

Will you ever be Mr happy and everything is so great? Probably not. But that is OK Many of us just don't have the biological/chemical ability to every be that high on the happiness continuum in the first place.

AC is a great start for you. So many AS people that are so generous here. It helped me begin to let go of the horrible feelings of inadequacy and failure when I compared my life to NT people I know. Now, I have a different standard. I am never gonna make friends like normal people. Also, I have accepted the fact that my daily life will probably always be more difficult and more stressful than many NT people. But I have found many ways to feel joy, relaxation, and well-being in my life.

Good luck on your journey!

 

[Momo]

Cancer is a horrible thing, I think it's one of the worst ways a person can pass. I'm so sorry for you, and I can completely understand why you would fear being alone, your situation is rather dire. I wish you the best of luck, and hope that you can make some friends, or find some way to get through this tough time. After my father threw me out of the house in my teens I thought I was going to be alone forever, and fear didn't quite cover it, but then it got better. It took a long time to figure out how to manage everything and recover from all the grief, but in the end I am stronger for it now. My heart goes out to you.

 

[xDominiel]

I'm sorry for your loss, Blue. I hope you find a way to carry on and find peace.

 

[Alaska]

i've had dreams of jumping off a cliff after my mom and grand
ma, who i take care of are gone. my grandma died last year and my mom has cancer. i'm terrified of being left alone in the world with no one to love me. but i haven't even made friends in 20 years. every passing year the world seems bleaker. i've never even kissed a girl.

Hi Blue. Welcome to AC!!!

This site is good for companionship and maybe friends. We have lots of nice people here that you can get to know.

It is a good idea to make some friends out in the world, but you can practice here first where you can feel safer.

 

[StephF]

Hi Blue, there are lots of nice people. I hop we can encourage you to get past the dark days until the sun shines again.

 

[Chance]

Hey Blue,

I am one of those who is often lonely and sad also, a bunch of us are this way.
I am so sorry about your Grams and your Mom, but in all our oddness we do have to face the realities that will come... Its okay to be lonely because that is where your dreams are made and where you get so sick of being there, that you will eventually move forward.

Please stay away from the darkness, go find a hobby, write a book honoring your mom and grandma...
Get busy doing something... Exercise, run, go out in the woods and let it the hell out, don't hold it in.
If you need professional help NEVER be ashamed of that... I had to have it... It was at first horrible but turned out really good.

Some of us just aren't the happiest kids on the block, so LIFE STUFF gets too us maybe worse than others.
KNOW that, expect it, and get prepared to deal with it.

Please come up with a POSITIVE plan of action for what you will do when this has passed... Honor your Mom and Grams by taking hold of life and moving forward in some small way everyday.

We are here for you... You are never truly alone, as it was for countless people in the past.

Be strong buddy... : )

 

[S0093679]

I dont have any friends either and really dont understand how to find them in real life. I get what youre on about and have similar thoughts. There people on here are great though and there are a lot of people who will understand you here. Much love <3

 

[Warmheart]

Blue, you are not alone. You are among friends here. Please re-read the thoughtful, caring replies to your post.

You have every right to your feelings. My compassion for your struggles right now.

I hope you re-read the posts in this thread, and feel the general sense of support and caring here.
There is much love, goodwill, and positivity in the world, and some of it is there for you, waiting to be discovered.

Please take good care of yourself. I'm glad you're here with us.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

Hey there. I hope you're able to find a way to make friends. I suggest this to a lot of people who come to our forum, look for autism support groups in your area, they can really make a difference in people's lives.

I hope your mother's cancer is treatable. Cancer is a nasty, disgusting disease and deserves no clemency. I'd pray if I was the religious sort.

I hope we're able to provide some comfort here if you choose to stick around.

 

[Warmheart]

For Blue.

 

[Maiki]

Hi Blue,
You are not alone. So many friendly, neuro-diverse people on this forum. Many of us have fought our own battles for better mental health. Each time the blackness has faded at the end of a long bout of depression, I feel a form of 'culture shock'. It comes as I rejoin the plane of reality where most people seem to reside--basically all the time-- in blissful ignorance of just fortunate they are. Experiencing deep depression or grief can give you gifts, too. It may seem a small consolation, but it's meaningful. You may better relate to others in pain. You may see beauty in simple things which others overlook. You can choose to use your experience to comfort and encourage others, from a place of genuine compassion. Just hold on, Blue! You can get to a better place-- in this life. Don't rob yourself of that chance by ending your life too soon. Who knows how many people may be counting on you for something in the future?

 

[ladybug]

i've had dreams of jumping off a cliff after my mom and grand
ma, who i take care of are gone. my grandma died last year and my mom has cancer. i'm terrified of being left alone in the world with no one to love me. but i haven't even made friends in 20 years. every passing year the world seems bleaker. i've never even kissed a girl.

Hi Blue.... welcome here....

It's a hugely positive place.... with people who have been through all kinds of life experiences...,.
You will find all kinds of people here.... people who struggle with black thoughts as you are now... but please know... these feelings too shall pass.... it is a very difficult part of life having to let go of loved ones... and may seem flippant to say that it's 'part of life'... (I don't mean to dismiss your feelings at all...)
But you're from a family of fighters... I'm sure that inside you there is that fight too.... it may seem difficult to find the strength... but be kind to yourself.... get out and about... go for walks... allow yourself time to breathe deeply outside in the fresh air... make yourself do these small things every day....
I promise it will make a difference...it maybe only tiny.... but a difference.....
sending kind thoughts to you...

 

[oregano]

All my family are gone too, except for my elderly mother, who has only a few years left, and then I will have nobody. I am making plans to buy a piece of cheap land and live on it. My mom is leaving whatever she has to pass on in the hands of distant relatives who simply want to drain it for their own benefit. I will have to fend for myself. I think all aspies get to the point where we are old and have nobody at all. Most such people usually end up dying under a bridge. You need to plan NOW, when mom dies it will be too late.

 

[the_tortoise]

I think all aspies get to the point where we are old and have nobody at all. Most such people usually end up dying under a bridge.

I don't think this is true, if you literally meant all aspies.....but it is sad how many ASDers are alone in the world, especially when they are growing older and more vulnerable.

You need to plan NOW, when mom dies it will be too late.

Do you mean a plan for where he will live and how he will feed himself and stuff like that? It is wise to consider such things but I wouldn't be so quick to assume that he will be in trouble in those areas.....we don't know Blue's circumstances and everyone's circumstances are different.

Even if a person does rely on their parents for food and shelter and things like that, parents often make arrangements so their adult children will be okay, and sometimes there are services in the community that can be accessed if this does not happen. I do agree, though, that it is far, far, far better to make plans beforehand. (I say this because I don't want anyone whose parent is dying very soon or just passed away and who needs help and support that was never planned to think that all hope is lost and that they are going to die under a bridge.)

If you mean a plan for how to find love and support and connection with others, I disagree. There is no time limit on finding those things, it's just harder as a disabled old person in cultures that don't, on the whole, value the elderly or people with disabilities.